Welcome back Soap Fiends !
Step onto the porch swing of nostalgia as your host, Jet, takes you back to the shady lanes of "Knott's Landing." Picture this: a quiet suburban cul-de-sac where the biggest dramas unfold behind picket fences, and every resident harbors their unique brand of chaos. Today, we're cracking open the white-picket gates to reveal the intricate dance of community politics and personal intrigue in the episode "Land of the Free." Through the lens of rowdy neighbors and the ripple effect of their antics, I'll guide you on a journey that unveils the harsh yet humorous realities of grappling with conflict where you'd least expect it.
Cue the sound of revving engines and crashing waves, as I recount the harrowing tale from "Trouble at the Cul-De-Sac." Karen's leisurely beach day turns sour with the intrusion of a dirt bike gang, yet she finds herself facing a bewildering lack of support. We'll navigate through the complexities of legal battles and the heart-pounding tension that arises when the law falls short and neighbors turn blind eyes. Brush up on your detective skills with Richard's legal wizardry and explore the strain on marriages amidst the excitement of suburban skirmishes.
Wrap up your visit to the cul-de-sac with a chapter that's equal parts vintage kitsch and thought-provoking drama in "Vintage Soap Opera DebauChery." Ever wondered what Richard Simmons' muscular nephew might look like struggling on a sand-drenched bike? Ponder no more! I'll leave you with a dose of hilarity intertwined with sage advice on neighborly conduct and the virtues of keeping one's nose clean—both in life and on the screen. So, refill your bubbly beverage, and let's salute the bygone era of prime soap operas, with its flamboyant characters and the unforgettable memories they've etched in our hearts.
If you love Soaplore, check out
Televisionofyore.com for a blow by blow recap of iconic t.v
Join the Vintage Primetime Soap Opera Social Club on FB
Welcome back Soap Fiends !
Step onto the porch swing of nostalgia as your host, Jet, takes you back to the shady lanes of "Knott's Landing." Picture this: a quiet suburban cul-de-sac where the biggest dramas unfold behind picket fences, and every resident harbors their unique brand of chaos. Today, we're cracking open the white-picket gates to reveal the intricate dance of community politics and personal intrigue in the episode "Land of the Free." Through the lens of rowdy neighbors and the ripple effect of their antics, I'll guide you on a journey that unveils the harsh yet humorous realities of grappling with conflict where you'd least expect it.
Cue the sound of revving engines and crashing waves, as I recount the harrowing tale from "Trouble at the Cul-De-Sac." Karen's leisurely beach day turns sour with the intrusion of a dirt bike gang, yet she finds herself facing a bewildering lack of support. We'll navigate through the complexities of legal battles and the heart-pounding tension that arises when the law falls short and neighbors turn blind eyes. Brush up on your detective skills with Richard's legal wizardry and explore the strain on marriages amidst the excitement of suburban skirmishes.
Wrap up your visit to the cul-de-sac with a chapter that's equal parts vintage kitsch and thought-provoking drama in "Vintage Soap Opera DebauChery." Ever wondered what Richard Simmons' muscular nephew might look like struggling on a sand-drenched bike? Ponder no more! I'll leave you with a dose of hilarity intertwined with sage advice on neighborly conduct and the virtues of keeping one's nose clean—both in life and on the screen. So, refill your bubbly beverage, and let's salute the bygone era of prime soap operas, with its flamboyant characters and the unforgettable memories they've etched in our hearts.
If you love Soaplore, check out
Televisionofyore.com for a blow by blow recap of iconic t.v
Join the Vintage Primetime Soap Opera Social Club on FB
You've gone too far. You mean to tell me a woman from Brooklyn who moved to the West Coast driving a tank, and a woman like Valene, raised south of the Mason-Dixie. She probably grew up in a hollow somewhere, fighting swamp rats and possums, wrestling bears and carrying on. You mean to tell me these two women can't fight.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back, to SoFlor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jet, and today we're reviewing the soapiest, sudsiest primetime storylines of the 80s, 90s and early 2000s. It is a not-landing takeover day. We're watching season one, episode seven, called Land of the Free. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. So obey, no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25 minutes. Tell everyone else in airshot be cool, be quiet or you will be kicked out. And we are watching our stories. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soap Lore. Welcome back, party people, to another fun-filled edition of Soap Lore, season one, episode seven of Knott's Landing, called Land of the Free. Now, when I first heard this, it reminded me of that episode of Yellow Rose called Land of the Free, where this woman is running from like coyotes and the Texas Rangers. She saw something I can't remember exactly what happened, but she is escaping Mexico because people are chasing her and she wants her baby to be born in South Texas so that he has this freedom. And then there's this whole other parallel story with Kisto and this little boy, ramon, who had run away from something. He's like stealing really hard, like pulling at the heartstrings, slapping political topics right in the face, putting it right in your face and like what would you do for real freedom? This is fully what I'm expecting.
Speaker 1:On Knot's Landing, not so, I really thought they were going to throw some more hard hitting subjects at us, but I'm starting to kind of to get a feel for what Knot's Landing is. As you know, I've been watching I've watched at least 100 episodes of Vintage Primetime Soap Opera, so I'm sliding past this novice. I would call myself an intermediate novice at this point, or at least I'm well on my way to being an intermediate novice. First off, I love that they've thrown all the characters in. Everybody's got a little bit of dirt. This is a cul-de-sac filled with imperfect people who are aware of their imperfections, which is very unusual. So I didn't know if they were going to throw political topics at it. I just assumed, with Land of the Free, it just triggered that memory of Yellow Rose. I thought, okay, maybe that's what they're going for, sort of. I found this episode to be universally relatable, and I hope you will too, if you are watching this, if you have managed to get your hands on this.
Speaker 1:Okay, picture this You're minding your business, you're having, maybe you're in your backyard or you're on your balcony or wherever. You're just sitting out having a glass of wine, enjoying the sunset, when, all of a sudden, your neighbor starts blaring music like loud, like enough to where you can hear every lyric, every baseline, every, everything. It's annoying, right, but what can you do? It's their property. As long as it's daylight, have a good time. That's generally the rule of thumb. However, what do you do if they play the music all night? Every night, somebody's bound to get pissed off. Every night, somebody is bound to get pissed off.
Speaker 1:Enter season one, episode seven Land of the Free. This is all about what happened. Her happy place turns into a hellhole. How do you handle conflict with people who you're supposed to share a community with. Let's get to the nitty gritty. Go ahead and grab yourself something bubbly and refreshing and let's talk about it.
Speaker 1:So the show opens with a gang at the beach. Not so much the whole gang, it is the women folk and the kids. They're hanging out at the beach and it must be a beautiful day because everyone is out. There's a volleyball game, there's people just having a good time walking up and down the beach. Everyone is minding their own business, sharing this community property, doing what they want to do. Now Karen and Valene are laid up watching the volleyball game, sniggling at this girl's top, falling down when Karen's like girl, let's go ahead and get in the water. I'm so sick of you not knowing how to swim. Let's get this over with. Let's go.
Speaker 1:Karen and Valene are the one piece babes. They run over to Laura and Ginger, who are the bikini babes, and they're having a good time. I believe the word is. They are frolicking in the water when, all of a sudden, you hear these dirt bikes, dirt bikes. So my first thought is oh, those are children. No, dirt bikes come flying down the shore and at first it looks like they're just gonna mind their business, but very quickly you can tell they came for trouble. They start darting out in all different directions. One of the idiots runs into the volleyball net. They're running circles around people running over your towel, just doing the absolute most. And finally they set eyes on the women folk, the bikini babes and the full piece girls and they go over and they start to harass them.
Speaker 1:One of these fools jumps off his bike. I'm going to call him skinny Hulk Hogan. That's what he looks like. He's got on denim, a red shirt, you know 70s style, so we can see those chesticles and all that glorious chest hair. He's got a super deep five o'clock shadow. He looks like a very slim Jim Hulk Hogan from back in the day. He thinks it. You know it's not good enough to rev your bike or ruin someone's towel or, hell, destroy a volleyball net. He starts touching on people. He grabs gender. He grabs Michael, who's Karen's son. He's just. He's doing the absolute most.
Speaker 1:And by this time the dirt bike guys have surrounded the women. So karen does what any normal red-blooded american woman to, or any woman anywhere a grown man snatches her child. She reaches out and she slaps the taste out of hulk hogan's mouth. He has the nerve to be offended. Mind you, he's got ginger under one arm and her other, her son, under the other, but he's offended. How dare you put your pants on me?
Speaker 1:So by this time the leader of the dirt bike gang is like hey, hey, what's? What's all the hostility? We just want to have a good time. And this is where it gets a little bit sticky, because obviously we all saw what happened the whole beach, there's literally hundreds of people on the beach. At this point I'm not going to explain to you why this is wrong. Everyone's frightened. These people are getting physical. They're saying inappropriate things to the women, like ah, you need to treat a man right. It's scary when you think about it.
Speaker 1:But this gentleman who we must, let me describe him first off, he is very tall. He's also wearing denim, which is weird to me, and a belt and a tank top, a tight red Kmart tank top tucked into his pants, and he has that Richard Simmons jerry curl fro. So his is real, real tight. Angela would be envious, ok, if his hairline was not receding. So we'll call him tight tank, tight, perm, tight tank, tight perm looks over to Karen and is like what's all the hostility? She's like you guys? Are you doing a lot here? His reply is, of course, well, it's a free country, isn't it? And that's when I thought, okay, he's that guy.
Speaker 1:For those of us living in the United States, we've all heard that land of the free, home of the brave, this is a free country. People say that quite often. What is meant to be a kind of a token of remembrance of like sacrifices made and things of that nature has turned into, for some people, this catch-all phrase. When you get caught doing something you shouldn't or don't want to do, or someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, for example, if you walk into a convenience store and it says no shoes, no shirt, no service, inevitably somebody in a Speedo is going to walk in and make a big fuss about how they pay taxes. This is a free country. Or say you're at a I don't know a park, someone sets up a shanty, starts, starts building stuff, and someone come by and they're like, hey, you can't do that, this is a free country. You know what the deal is, dude? Yes, it is. You have freedom, you have liberties, but it should not infringe on anyone else's. You know what I'm saying. So tight tank, tight perm is all. It's the free country. God bless america.
Speaker 1:So one of the lady ladies sees this as an opportunity because they are surrounded by these gentlemen, by the not gentlemen, they are surrounded by these men at this point and they feel like they can't leave. They make a move, the guys make a move. So one of the ladies is like okay, cool free country, can we leave? Sure she goes to make a move.
Speaker 1:When all of a sudden, skinny hulkogan, whose name is Alien, grabs Karen. He grabs the back of her son's hair like he's pulling it. Hey, you want. He's basically trying to make a move on her. Where are you going? You got a hot date. So this implies to me that they had ulterior motives in front of God and everybody. If not, they're either doing it to ruffle feathers or he was really going to do something. So of course it gets a little rough.
Speaker 1:And this is when tight tank type perm says alien, let him go, she doesn't want to play. So they run off right, the women kind of surround the children and they run up the beach to where their things are. And this point Karen is like damn it, my name is Karen, I'm turning around. She turns around and she says motorcycles aren't allowed on the beach and it gave very much hall monitor. But I'm like 1970, karen, is not the same as a night. A 2024 Karen. She had no phone, no one was helping, that's all she could say. It's like that's the last bit of dignity she had. Her son follows up and he's like yeah, the beach patrol is gonna be here any minute.
Speaker 1:Skinny hulk hogan, aka alien, says oh, you scared the pants right off me. And he decides he's gonna disrobe right there, takes off his bell-bottom denim, revealing some uh, tight red draws, and then he goes running into the sea. You see what I mean about that. You see exactly what I'm talking about no shoes, no shirt, no service. Some idiot in his drawers was to frolic. You know what it is, what it is. I suppose in the 70s that wasn't as big of a deal, because as I'm watching the volleyball game, the men had on what we would call boy shorts at this point, boy short underwear and I just I continue to ask myself I wonder when that stopped becoming a thing. Because in all actuality, it's very practical to have on as little clothing as possible if you're going to be swimming. But today, like the board shorts have pockets. Why do you need pockets in the ocean? I digress, let's get back to the getting.
Speaker 1:So the gang loads up and they go back to the cul-de-sac where the police are called. And Richard has made it home by this point and that Richard is Laura's husband, who is a lawyer, and his role in the show is starting to become more clear. He's a little bit of a comedic relief, but he's also Tuscany to Dynasty, cousin Michael to Falcon Crest. You need someone who's going to be able to explain little pots in the story that aren't just general knowledge, that the general public doesn't have that sort of information to. So they're back at the cul-de-sac and they're frustrated. Obviously, the cops are there and Karen can't really give much of a description other than like these are some guys on these motorcycles. Actually they're dirt bikes. They were loud, they were gruff, they were like middle, I don't know. They were 30 to 40 years old, I don't know how they older. Richard tells her you have to be able to give the cops something Like at this point we can't even charge them with anything.
Speaker 1:Richard's point is that at the very least we need a license plate. They had motor vehicles on the beach. That's something. But you guys didn't get the license plate. And the women are upset again because, dude, we didn't know they were going to come storming down the beach. We had no idea they were going to harass people. We definitely didn't know they were going to surround us. They had two bikinis and two full piece bathing suits and two children. None of us had a pencil handy. So it is what it is. At this point he's like okay, well, I mean, there's really nothing we can do about it.
Speaker 1:By this time, sid has come home, gary has come home and the cop is wrapping everything up. Karen's upset because she didn't see the beach patrol. She and her son were waiting with bated breath for the beach patrol to show up, but they never saw them. And the cop explained that, you know, with the budget cuts and people wanting to pay less in taxes, that does mean there's going to be less men out on the field. So unfortunately, we just don't have the manpower for that. Right now. They're not there.
Speaker 1:Richard is being extremely cavalier about this, and a little later so is Sid. We'll get to that, but this scene is really telling about the current state of affairs at this coldest sex. So, to my surprise, gary Ewing turns out to be the knight in shining armor. He's the only one who physically asked his wife are you okay? Like, is everything fine To her? Personally, yeah, she's fine. Sid pulls up and he asked for the kids okay, she's like. Yeah, physically they're fine, but it was terrifying, like it was a horrible thing.
Speaker 1:This is when Richard keeps cutting in, he's like they're gone. They're gone, there's nothing we can do about it. It'll be San Diego's problem tomorrow. He looks over at his wife Lauren's like um, you didn't happen to start dinner, did you? Really? This is a thing she scurries off to go start dinner. Ginger, whose husband is not there, says oh, I should probably go home and start dinner, just in case he doesn't come home late. Hint, hint, hint, hint, hint. Trouble in paradise. But we already know what they're kind of going through. Richard has to go to these, not Richard. Kenny has to go to these quote unquote parties. He usually takes Ginger. I think they're swingers, or at least he is. I don't know that. I can't wait for that to really come out and be like a clear statement so I can understand what's going on.
Speaker 1:So back in the house, karen is still super pissed. She's telling Sid about the situation and he's being annoyingly cavalier about it, like he's being purposely obtuse, in my opinion. He tells her well, you're a beautiful woman, of course men are gonna want to grab you. This dude is. He's hitting me just. I just don't like it. I don't like the way that he treats a lot of her. Well, okay, let me think about this. Let's think about this.
Speaker 1:Karen is like the neighborhood watch. She is the person who's probably most involved in the community. In a lot of ways. She does not strike me as someone who cries wolf very often, but I would imagine she probably gets worked up quite a bit because she's so passionate about things when Sid is a little more kickback, a little more laid back. He doesn't have that fire, I understand, not reacting to everything she says. That's actually a well balanced relationship.
Speaker 1:However, on the episode where she was almost having an affair with the teacher, remember, she got all greased up and backless to show up to his house. She was going to do the do, but then she changed her mind at the last minute because she didn't want to hate herself. Yeah, he didn't care. Then the guy French kissed her in front of a library full of people and he barely batted an eye. His wife comes home and tells him there were dudes groping me and other ladies at the beach and he's like, oh, you're pretty, that's normal. This is a different level of misogyny. I realize I'm not used to this in my lifetime. That just being so, okay. I mean I suppose we've all been there, we've all been harassed and you don't want to be, but for for the husband to just be like no big deal long as the kids are cool, whatever.
Speaker 1:Eventually the women find their wits about them and they decide we're not gonna let these hooligans ruin a good thing. When it's time to go back to the beach, we're gonna go back to the beach. They work up the nerve and they go back down to the beach. Only this time they stay away from the water. They're much closer to like the. I almost call I don't know what it's called Not the boardwalk, but basically the walking path to get back to the parking lot. They're staying close to the door, if you will, just in case something pops off. And pops off and does. They're minding their business. And here comes the dirt bike gang again, but this time they get up close to him, they come close to him and they do the circles around them. It is terrifying. One of the kids gets hit upside the head and these guys are just. They're having a good time at their expense.
Speaker 1:And what Richard had thought Richard's thoughts were these are just hooligans who are looking for trouble. If they don't find the right kind of trouble, they're going to get bored and they're going to move on. They're not moving on. They have not only decided to stay, they seem to have locked in on the residents of Knott's Landing, cul-de-sac I don't even know what name of the street is. They seem to lock in on these ladies. It's becoming a problem, and you can start to see where Karen is really, really worried at this point, because now she's fully aware of the fact that there's not going to be a beach patrol that's going to come up to them. These guys have done the same thing once before in broad daylight, and no one came to stop them and there's not enough police on the force to do anything about it. So she's sort of a sitting duck and decisions need to be made.
Speaker 1:The first piece of business is getting Michael to the hospital because he was hit upside the head Somehow. I don't know if Alien did it. It looks like he did. You know. They're basically driving in a tight circle around the ladies, creating like a canal or a channel or whatever you know whatever a moat is what I'm thinking. One of them grabs Karen. She almost, you know, she falls out. It's a mess. But the point here is that they need to get a kid to the hospital. They get him to the hospital and this is where Sid drives up. He jumps out of the car and cover all. So I guess he'll not only sells cars, he has to work on them too. Doesn't seem very practical. But soap tax, soap tax, soap tax.
Speaker 1:Karen's waiting outside because she needs fresh air. And this is back when hospitals weren't an arm and a leg. To get in and out of Insurance wasn't crazy. So she's waiting patiently and the doctor is kind enough to come out and bring the baby and tell her. You know he's fine, he just got knocked on the head.
Speaker 1:Now Sid is looking at this differently, Like wait a minute. So they came back, they messed with you and they hurt our kid. This is horrible, we're going to let the police take care of it. That's what he says at first. So they get in the car and they're heading home when suddenly the kid's looking across the street and he sees the dirt bikes over at a gas station and they recognize Skinny Hulk Hogan and tight tank, tight perm. So Sid is like okay, forget all that police jazz, I'm going to handle this myself. He pulls over, he puts the guy up, they call the cops and Skinny Hulk Hogan is arrested. Cop asks Karen if she'd like to press charges. She's like absolutely, I will be pressing all the available charges immediately.
Speaker 1:Finally, there's a little bit of justice, and it's very satisfying too, even if it is only one of the guys. He's the main culprit. He's the guy who disrobed. He's the guy who reached out and grabbed her. He's a guy who she slapped the taste out of his mouth. So skinny hulk hogan had it coming, and so did the rest of the guys, only karen, and sid's lawyer seems to think that the guy will be out in 30 days. They really still don't have anything solid to to uh charge him with. Technically. This is starting to affect her life, though, because at this point Karen has been violated, or it feels like a violation. Someone has attacked your child in broad daylight. Other people saw it. No, he didn't punch him. No, he didn't run him over, but he still got hurt because these people targeted you and did this thing. They're trying to live life, they're trying to move on with themselves and think okay, at least something was done.
Speaker 1:Karen is on her way to an audition with her daughter Diana, who that's who they were making fun of at the beginning. I didn't put two and two together. I thought it was like a grown woman, but it was her daughter. Karen sees these single headlights behind her and she freaks out because she thinks it's the motorcycle gang following her. Not that time, it's not. But a little later on, back home, under the cloak of darkness, tight tank, tight perm shows up to her house and, dare I say it, he's damn near wholesome. It's terrifying.
Speaker 1:First off, he's like hello, mrs Fairgate, can I have a moment of your time? He wants her to drop the charges. She's like, absolutely not, not going to happen. So tight perm, tight tank, starts to explain to she and Sid that anything could happen. I don't, I can't control these guys. I don't think they're going to take it very lightly If you just let us go. We're going to head down to Laguna beach and we're going to just hang out there, but we got to get them out of it. I can't promise you things aren't going to happen. So Karen's listening to what he's saying. It seems like Sid hears him, but he's not listening. Karen is listening. She's like are you threatening me? Are you saying that you're gonna harass me if I don't drop the charges? It's like no, ma'am, I'm not saying that, but he's definitely saying that there's subtext and everything he says. She tells him not on your life. No way I have to do this, it is what it is. So he goes okay, we'll just see what happens.
Speaker 1:I guess, as you can imagine, a muck is run. Mind you, these are men on dirt bikes. Now I let me be very clear. No disrespect to the dirt bike community, but in my experience I've seen children ride dirt bikes recreationally, like up and down the street. It's not something you see every day. You don't see grown men who are over 30 for sure and I'm in that club you don't see them ride together as a gang on dirt bikes for no reason. So it's like I have a very hard time taking them seriously. So when the trouble starts, a muck I believe is what they call a muck is run. These guys start showing up to the house. They're kicking over trash cans. They're powdering the cars. I think it's called flower bombing. It looks like they had baby powder. I guess it's flower flower bombing the cars they're revving their stupid little wheels up in the yard. They're spinning around. They are sonically harassing everybody and kicking over trash cans Seems extremely juvenile.
Speaker 1:That's the sort of thing you do when you don't have. Not that I'm saying it takes a lot of resources to be an idiot or just, you know, be some sort of hoodlum messing up things. But a gang of grown adults on dirt bikes, no guns, no knives, no drugs, no, nothing. They're wearing the same clothes. Six days in a row, everybody went to Kmart and got the special Shout out to Kmart. I miss that store. Everybody, even Gary Ewing, has on a yellow tank top like tight perm, tight tank tank top, except his is red. They're just regular people in street clothes kicking over trash cans like something you would do when you were like 11 years old. But these people are well until they're 30. So it's just. It's odd, but it's starting to take its toll.
Speaker 1:A little later on, a guy who looks like, uh, who looks like a fake macho man, randy, savage, like they I don't know why they painted on beards this episode. It's really distracting. But he's got on this pastel yellow sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off and he goes around stabbing the tires. He is publicly at high noon stabbing all the tires on the cul-de-sac so none of the women folk can leave. Now the men are really getting upset. All the husbands are like what, what the heck, what the actual heck is going on. You're ruining our street. Our women can't drive. Luckily Sid owns a car shop so we can just all get new tires, no big deal.
Speaker 1:But this is going too far and Karen is starting to question herself Is she going to have any peace? Can she do anything about this? But she's still holding fast to this. Mind you, this has only been a couple of days. She's like I'm not gonna drop the charges. They keep doing this shit. Somebody needs to get arrested for this.
Speaker 1:This next scene had me yelling at the laptop. So after everybody's got their new tires on, karen and valine go to the grocery store and they're just. They're all a little bit tired, but hopes are still high that something will come of this. The cops are down patrolling their street a little bit more. They felt a little bit more safe. So they go to the grocery store, they load up the groceries, they get in the car.
Speaker 1:Now, as they're driving home, all of a sudden you hear that oh crap, here comes damn dirt bike gang again. Only this time they sent out lady folks. Two women are on either side of the car. This ain't just any regular car. This is probably a 1977-78 station wagon American. This is a tank. This car is 1970s long, so it's at least a city block long. Who knows a horsepower. She could run over a bear with barely a scratch on that car, I promise you.
Speaker 1:But instead they get harassed by these two women on the dirt bikes on. They're on either side of the car and the women are revving in and out and they get close to the door and they kick it. Karen and valine are screaming and I got pissed. I said this okay, you know, soap tax is one thing, this is y'all have gone too far with me. You've gone too far.
Speaker 1:You mean to tell me a woman from Brooklyn who moved to the West Coast, driving a tank, and a woman like Valene, raised south of the Mason, dixie. She probably grew up in a hollow somewhere, fighting swamp rats and possums, wrestling bears and carrying on. You mean to tell me these two women can't fight? You mean to tell me that you're gonna drive a tank down the road with two girls on on dirt bikes that weigh 45 pounds? I would have ran both these hoes there would be k-bart, flip-flops and denim and bell-bottoms and bandanas all up and down Knott's Landing Drive. You hear me, I would have run both of these heifers over with this tank no questions asked, or at the very least pulled over and saw them. Mana y mana. You can't tell me, valene, I've never met a country girl in my life who couldn't fight at least a little bit, and a chick from New York. It's a come on. She slapped the taste out of Skinny Ho Hogan's mouth. She can't handle these two kids. They are moved to tears by these two little heifers on the bike. I couldn't believe it. I was so disappointed, valene, if you don't get your country ass out there and start stomping out these, these Tonka Toy tri, I can't even go there. It was a mess. So this is finally the last straw.
Speaker 1:Once again, tight, perm, tight tank comes by and he's like, hey, could you just drop the charges? So eventually, you know they have a little conversation with Richard, sid and Karen do, and they decide you know what, let's just do it. So they go down to the police station. They drop the charges. Alien gets out of jail. Now Alien must have had it really rough in jail. He's in the same funky clothes for about seven days at this point and life in jail sucked for him. He didn't like it. So when Tight Perm, tight Tank talks to him he's like dude, let's just leave. Can we go to Laguna please? I'm so over this town, I just want to go home now. But tight perm, tight tank is no longer wholesome. He goes. You're going to let that lady run shop over you. Do you see what she did? You spent a day and a half in jail. You spent 1.5 days in the clink. You're going to let that happen.
Speaker 1:It is very obvious that Slim Hulk Hogan is not here for the shenanigans. He doesn't really want to do whatever comes next, but it is what it is. He has to obey the guy with the biggest dirt bike, I guess. So later on everyone thinks everything is cool. You know, they gave up the charges. Hopefully these guys will stop coming around harassing us.
Speaker 1:But the Farragates are still being cautious. Their oldest son wants to go out. Sid's like no, I don't think that's a good idea. But then their daughter, diana, wants the guy go out to play rehearsal. She just got the part in a play. She really wants to be there. She's afraid she's going to lose her spot if she doesn't go. And Karen seems to think it's okay because she's going to be riding in a car with like eight other kids, as where their son was going to go by himself. So they agree to let her go.
Speaker 1:No sooner than the kids pull out of the driveway, drive down the road, something happens. Some kid comes honking and, you know, beeping his horn, running up the driveway and he's yelling at the fair guys, hey, they took Diane. They took Diane. The dirt bike gang. Now, under the cloak of darkness, it's night. They have taken Diane, they take her down to the beach. They I thought they were going to roast her over a pit of fire, but no, they actually just lit a barrel of trash on fire and were warming themselves, I guess, until her parents showed up. And finally, finally, the men were like, hmm, maybe we should do something. So, sid, he goes knocking on all the doors, he gets the guys that would be Gary, kenny and Richard and they head down all the doors. He gets the guys that would be Gary, kenny and Richard, and they head down to the beach for a good old-fashioned fisticuff.
Speaker 1:Now, if I was a betting woman, if I had known what was coming and I thought about this who would I have bet could fight and who could I bet couldn't fight? 100%, my money would have been on none of them, not one of them. I thought Kenny's a pretty boy, probably, but he's young, so if nothing else, he'll last a little longer than everyone else he could probably. He's probably seen a couple of Kung Fu movies. He'd be okay, gary. Gary's a gamble, but if he grew up riding horses and roping stairs he probably has some natural strength. Richard, not a chance he could fight, not a chance in hell. And Sid Sid seemed like an old grumpy guy. I thought I would have put a little bit of money on him, but not much.
Speaker 1:So they get down to the beach and, to my surprise, gary and Kenny have hands. They are beating the living crap out of every man that comes their way, every man that comes their way. Hoo ha, punch, zoit, zap. It's a pretty decent fight. Richard is basically playing ring around the rosies. I think he gets slapped a couple of times. It's not great, but I mean whatever. He's at least distracting one or two people. Sid, on the other hand, is supposed to be. We, as the audience, are supposed to believe. He is this raging father who can't believe you have violated my wife, my son and now my daughter. I'm gonna beat the crap out of you. Only and I'm not even a boxing expert he's swinging. You know, when you go to hug someone, your hands are right out at your side, like out in the open. That's how he punches, make fists and like swing side to side, except like he's twisting his body, like he's trying, like he's trying to have a snatched waist for the summer. It is the worst punching I've ever seen, but for the sake of the soap opera, it works. He ends up beating the brakes off of the leader of the pack and all is well that ends well in Knott's Landing.
Speaker 1:Although Land of the Free was not what I was expecting, I thoroughly enjoyed this episode. There's a lot of little. There's a lot of little layers here. I love the way this show folds in the stories in on themselves, because eventually it's going to bake up real nice and we'll get to dive in and see what's really going on with everybody. But you felt the tension with Ginger and the other ladies because her husband is nowhere to be found. You could see the tension between Richard and Laura. Eventually that's got to pop off. I also think that Sid, being such a laid back guy, is going to catch up with him eventually if he doesn't start listening to his wife when she talks about how other men perceived her, because remember, jr woke up from a coma talking about how fine she was, which also reminds me of as I'm going through Knott's Landing.
Speaker 1:I'm reminded of Gary on no More Mr Nice Guy, part two, when he's talking about being drunk or whatever. I kind of thought he was talking about his life previous, but I think he might get drunk on this one. I kind of caught a glimpse of, um, the season ender and I noticed it's a two this one. I kind of caught a glimpse of the season ender and I noticed it's a two-parter. So I'm like, oh crap, that's probably Gary. So if you are watching this in real time and you're watching all of the shows I hope you just started it would probably make more sense to watch season two of Dallas, start season three and about midway through part through season three, start watching Knott's Landing, and then it looks like it should all kind of meet up pretty well. So you can start watching season four of Dallas and it'll make sense with the things that happened on Knott's Landing, if I'm guessing right, and then you would pick up on season two of Knott's Landing. I keep forgetting, I don't forget that spinoff means that this came from that show, but I just I didn't expect them to be as intertwined as they are so far. So far we've had three crossovers from Dallas to Knott's Landing and one from Knott's Landing to Dallas. So I imagine that will continue as time goes on because, hey, these are good, healthy characters and people need a place to run away to from time to time. All right, guys, it's time to wrap this episode up. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Speaker 1:I did not think Land of the Free was going to be about some pseudo gang I refuse to call them a motorcycle gang, motorsport gang who dressed in street clothes. Who dressed in street clothes? They look like guys that were hanging out at a garage at their buddy's house drinking beers and decided to jump on these dirt bikes and go run amok. Also, let me shout out to the dirt bike community. I don't think they're childish, I'm just saying I've seen people on dirt bikes but they're always doing cool stuff like Evel Knievel or they're in some sort of sphere with a tiger in the middle like cool stuff. Sphere with a tiger in the middle, like cool stuff.
Speaker 1:These guys could barely navigate or sit up on these, these bikes straight, tight, perm, tight tank. He almost bit the dust six, seven times on the beach, but that's probably why, now that I think about it, he is standing and walking quite a bit on this episode. That makes total sense. And he does look like Richard Simmons, buff nephew Jed. He is in a red tank top like the great Richard Simmons and he's got that jerry curl. Nice and tiny, looks just like him, or he looks like he could be related to him. I shouldn't say just like him. No disrespect to Richard Simmons, an icon.
Speaker 1:All right, try to get along with your neighbors. I guess that's the moral of the story this week Get along with your neighbors, read between the lines. And if a man does not take your word the first, second, third or fourth time, it's time to look into that a little bit more. I'm keeping my eye on Sid and Karen. I do not see this playing out well, but we got nine, 10 or 11 seasons to figure all that out. Join me next time as we jump back into Vintage Soap Opera debauchery. In the meantime, in between time, take care of yourself. Be good to yourself because you deserve it. Mind your business, as we learn this episode. Stay moisturized, stay hydrated and keep all of your drama on TV.