What if the secret to understanding your favorite 80s soap opera characters lies in their hair? Join me, your host Jet, as we revisit the golden era of "Dynasty," "Dallas," and "Falcon Crest." We're taking a fresh and funny look at the elaborate hairstyles that shaped our beloved characters' identities and influenced their storylines. From Jeff Colby's Prince Eric-like locks to the resilient bob of Miss Ellie, we decode the silent yet powerful role of hair. Whether you're a new listener or a loyal fan, you're in for a hair-raising treat!
Ever wondered how frosted tips and feather cuts impacted the 80s primetime drama scene? This episode is packed with playful hair puns and a special contest to crown the ultimate hair champion. We'll break down the rock-and-roll styles of Sammy Jo and the sinister appeal of JR Ewing's 'short king' haircut, all while celebrating the impeccable fashion sense of Alexis Carrington-Colby and Pamela Lynch. As an elder millennial experiencing these iconic shows for the first time, I’ll share my raw, unfiltered reactions and invite you to join me on this nostalgic journey.
Finally, we pay tribute to the seasoned characters whose wisdom and distinctive looks added depth to their stories. From Angela Channing's confident resilience to Blake Carrington's dignified salt-and-pepper hair, we honor the timeless elegance of these TV legends. We'll also admire Jock Ewing's rugged cowboy charm and celebrate the voluminous curls of Melissa Agretti-Cumson that bring back memories of big Texas hair. Tune in for a hair-raising episode that celebrates the unforgettable hairstyles and characters that defined an era!
What if the secret to understanding your favorite 80s soap opera characters lies in their hair? Join me, your host Jet, as we revisit the golden era of "Dynasty," "Dallas," and "Falcon Crest." We're taking a fresh and funny look at the elaborate hairstyles that shaped our beloved characters' identities and influenced their storylines. From Jeff Colby's Prince Eric-like locks to the resilient bob of Miss Ellie, we decode the silent yet powerful role of hair. Whether you're a new listener or a loyal fan, you're in for a hair-raising treat!
Ever wondered how frosted tips and feather cuts impacted the 80s primetime drama scene? This episode is packed with playful hair puns and a special contest to crown the ultimate hair champion. We'll break down the rock-and-roll styles of Sammy Jo and the sinister appeal of JR Ewing's 'short king' haircut, all while celebrating the impeccable fashion sense of Alexis Carrington-Colby and Pamela Lynch. As an elder millennial experiencing these iconic shows for the first time, I’ll share my raw, unfiltered reactions and invite you to join me on this nostalgic journey.
Finally, we pay tribute to the seasoned characters whose wisdom and distinctive looks added depth to their stories. From Angela Channing's confident resilience to Blake Carrington's dignified salt-and-pepper hair, we honor the timeless elegance of these TV legends. We'll also admire Jock Ewing's rugged cowboy charm and celebrate the voluminous curls of Melissa Agretti-Cumson that bring back memories of big Texas hair. Tune in for a hair-raising episode that celebrates the unforgettable hairstyles and characters that defined an era!
crispy crunchy peanut brittle. Your hair is about to fall out of the roots hair. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome and welcome back to soap floor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and og diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jet, and today is a very special episode. We're taking it all the way back to season four, 1983-1984, of three iconic soap operas and we gotta get to the root of the issue. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight, babe. No questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25-35 minutes. Actually wait till the end of the episode. Babe will have an opportunity to express himself, everyone else in Earshot. You can be cool, you can be quiet, you can be a contributor or you can get kicked out, because we are getting to the root of the issue on a very hairy bonus episode of SoFloor. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soap Floor. Hello, gorgeous Welcome, or welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Soap Floor.
Speaker 1:I gotta tell you, the last episode of Dynasty it did did a number on me. I'm quite pissed with Jeff. I cannot even believe that we are entertaining this Jeff and Fallow storyline one more time. It didn't work the first three seasons. Why are we bringing this up again? Stop trying to make fetch happen. It's never going to happen and it just.
Speaker 1:It made me zoom in and hone in on a couple of things that have been tickling at the back of my mind for a very long time. Jeff, jeff is the ultimate conundrum. He's gorgeous, he's rich, he's a kabillionaire, he could be suave, but he's more suave and business minded. And within that, within the company doesn't really translate and I'm just wrecking my brain trying to figure out how can you get the Prince Eric prototype, which I'm convinced he is. I am convinced, after seeing the little mermaid, the cartoon animated version recently, that they that he's a prototype. You can't convince me Otherwise. They changed a few details here and there, but it's him. You got to be more than dimples and hair and I just there's nothing like the power of procrastination to finally to peel that foggy layer back on your brain. And it hit me. I said you know, jet, this is what it is. It's the hair. It has to be right. Stay with me.
Speaker 1:For those of you who've been listening for a while, you may or may not remember episode 100. Within that episode, amongst many things, I talk about the good, the bad, the bold and the bubbly, basically, but there's a particular segment where I dissect hair length or pertaining to women and what that represents for their character as a TV kid. As someone who's been enjoying television since early 90s, I think I know what I'm talking about here, and one of the things I didn't account for, though, was the male hair. I didn't think about that. With women, there's a whole breakdown. I highly recommend that you go back and watch that, or you can go back and listen to episode 130, where I talk about the bad girl State of the Union, and we go through all of the baddies and their different hair lengths and what it means to their character, how you can change the audience perspective based on how they present to the world.
Speaker 1:Well, I got to thinking. I said you know it's got to be his hair. Am I perhaps convinced, because this is my weekend, to start doing my own hair? I want a beautiful goddess twist. Not really in the mood to do the work, so I thought you know what? If I'm not going to do my own hair, maybe I'm going to pay someone and do it. Why don't I go ahead and break this down one more time for the soap or audience. Let's get into what hair means this far. As if I haven't said this 50, 11 times, I need to reiterate it one more time I hate, hate. The 80s, dallas and Dynasty are slowly dripping into the 80s. Falcon Crest is already fully there. I can see the feathered hair. It's getting a little wild for me, but I will admit it has been easier to take it in smaller doses. I feel like I have eased my toe into the pool and it's easier to accept. So I want to lay down a few foundational truths before I go any further. First and foremost, if this is your first time joining me, welcome. So glad you're joining us on this journey.
Speaker 1:I am an elder millennial who missed out on these soap operas during their heyday, didn't really understand that they were a thing until maybe 10 years ago, and so I'm going back through watching these shows in real time or at home and just trying to get a better look at the decade that basically raised us. This is the prototype. As I watch these shows, I see a lot of similarities between millennials and late Gen Xers, early Gen Zs. There's a lot of things that we do that I see that probably begin with this sort of influence, if you will. Another point I'd like to make is that I am watching this blind.
Speaker 1:I went into this knowing very, very little. I knew that I believe her name was Joan, not Jackie Collins. Joan, or Jackie Collins, is on the show on Dynasty. I knew I grew up in Texas, so of course I've heard about Dallas, not really heard much about it. I managed to keep the whole who Shot JR thing under wraps forever. Falcon Crest I'd never even heard of, but I wanted to keep my reactions as raw, real and uncut as possible, and so I don't go looking on the interwebs very often. However, as we slide deeper and deeper into these I'm already on season four I have to start looking a little bit more, because it's just not enough to know who the characters are. I want to know a little bit more about the actors. Hence the bonus episodes, a little more lore. We're diving into storylines, actors, their past, how they came to be on the show, how they exit the show. We're going to talk about that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:One of the things, for integrity sakes, I want you all to know is that it has been surprisingly very, very easy not to have any spoilers. I just don't go looking for them. Easy not to have any spoilers? I just don't go looking for them. If I indulge in anything, I read Erica's website, which is Television of your. It has to be kind of like a blog style. If I'm on the Facebook group which I'm jumping back into, there's little things here and there, but so far no one has like really spoiled a storyline. Didn't really matter to me.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I'm a TV kid, i'm'm an avid reader. I understand that stories and plots change all the time, so it's not going to kill me if there's like a you know, unless you tell me a character dies, that kind of sucks. So, by and large, I've been able to miss most of the spoilers. I've missed most of the bigger things going forward. I don't know how possible, how much longer I can keep that up. I just really don't. I've run into some rumors, doing a little bit of light research, especially on this, this episode in particular, while I wanted to get into their backstories, how all these characters managed to land their roles, and so I'm still going to keep it raw, real, and if I uncover something, I'm going to drop that bomb here. If I find out a little more than I should, I'll drop that bomb here. So far, so good.
Speaker 1:For this episode we're going to focus on the unspoken character, which is the hair. Again, I hate, despise. There's no version of the story where I like 80s hair. I, I hate it. I hate crunchy. I just I don't really know. I don't understand what we were going for. We went from the soft, bouncy, curly, glamorous look in the 70s to whatever it is in the 80s, to whatever it was in the early 90s. And then, you know, I had my heyday late 90s, early 2000s. I got a lot of explaining to do, but we're not talking about that today. So this episode is all about the hair as a character. I have several categories. We're going to pay homage to almost everybody on the shows, but we're going to get down to the top five. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the grand main event of Soap Lore, where the tresses tell more tales than the scripts.
Speaker 1:Today we're unfurling the secrets behind the silken strand of season four's most memorable characters, and it's a hairy situation, folks. First up we got Lucy Ewing, the North Texas Lolita, whose golden mane has seen more drama than the sweepweep cliffhangers. Will her luscious locks take the crown or will the tangled web of pre-Dallas commercials snare her chances? Then there's bad girl Kristen with her cascading chestnut locks. That could give Rapunzel a run for her money. But is her hair mightier than the scandal she stirs? Only time and hairspray will tell. Don't brush off. I got to warn year there's going to be tons of hair puns this episode. Don't brush off Kirby.
Speaker 1:Anders Colby from Dynasty, whose raven black hair is as dark as mysteries surrounding her. Will her enigmatic ends justify the means? We'll see, and let's not split hairs over. Jeff Colby, the dapper doormat of Dynasty. Could his hair gel be laced with secrets or is it just spiked with lack of style? Finally, the salt and pepper sovereign, blake Harrington, whose hair choreography could win an Emmy on its own. Is his temper as untamable as his mane or will his felony record straighten out his chances? So, fiends, grab your combs and your scorecards, because you, the audience, are the ultimate judges in this follicle face-off. Who will be crowned the heir apparent of season four? Stay tuned, and may the best locks win.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, I need your help. Text me within the show notes. I'll have to grab that number for you here in a bit. But if you are listening on your phone, open up the show notes. If you're listening on the web, or if you're listening on the site, pull it up. It's in the show notes, it's like a five digit number. Text me, tell me who did it best. We're going to talk about everything today, so go ahead and grab yourself something bubbly.
Speaker 1:Let's lather up who has the best hair right off the bat. I have to let you guys know that Lance and Cole don't make much of an appearance this episode. West Coast Boys, for whatever reason. Beginning of season four, both Lance and Cole got a haircut. It's remarkable. They both look great, but their hair is not very much part of their character. You know, these guys are young and hot, so they spent a lot of the episodes seducing women or being seduced by women, knocking girls up, getting married, getting divorced, seducing wives, you know, you know whole thing. Their bodies, their chest hairs are probably more of a character than the hair on their head. But it's worth noting that they both got a haircut, so they get the honorable mention.
Speaker 1:Before we get to the top five, my first category is the who needs a helmet award. This is dedicated to, whose hair is as structurally sound and immovable as their attitudes is the most part, or is their conscience. I'm going to throw the manimal Greg Reardon in. He does have that bowl cut that I think Cole had. Here's the thing Cole's hair has been very unremarkable. He's just been doing so many other things. I only noticed that he got a haircut because it was significantly shorter as his lances, but I believe he had somewhat of a bowl cut that has now gone to Mr Reardon. Believe he had somewhat of a bowl cut that has now gone to Mr Reardon. Now his respectfully is parted on the side, which may or may not change the title of that particular haircut, but the shape is still the same. It is a flattened out mushroom, the Kris Jenner, if you will.
Speaker 1:I call it a helmet hair, even though he's got a great head of thick hair. He probably run his fingers through it. He doesn't. You know why? Why? Because he is as stiff as a corpse, just like Joseph, and it's a testament to the character. It's stiff, it's good looking, there's a lot of potential there, but it doesn't look like there's much to it. It's going to be kind of plain and boring, tried and true, and that's what he's giving so far. He's got that over enunciation thing that makes me want to just slap his lips off his animal face. Very much giving, stiff and boring.
Speaker 1:The other entry is, of course, a post-mortem entry for Joseph Anders, who was I called him a corpse long before he became one, but his hair too was pressed back. It's the uniform. Uniformality, I guess. If that's a word, it's that they have a position, they have a job that they do, and you can tell that they take it very seriously by the way that they style their hair or don't style their hair. It's always pushed back, it's very stiff, it doesn't move very much and it adds a layer of. It's not necessarily a layer of mystery, but it is a layer of. You's not necessarily a layer of mystery, but it is a layer of you're instantly bored looking at them, which is odd in the manimal's case, because he's quite handsome.
Speaker 1:I also have to throw in JR Ewing. Hear me out, I'm only calling his hair stiff, stiff, helmet hair, because it is indeed somewhat shaped like a helmet. Boring. He is not Running his fingers through his hair, he doesn't. He has to bank on that witty personality which the other two in this category don't hold. They aren't able to do that. But JR, if not for his incredible wealth, non-existent morals and the standard issue boss hog cowboy hat, there he go. He'd be just as boring as these other two. There he go. He'd be just as boring as these other two. Without being said, I have to say, jr has the best helmet hair for that very reason. Despite not having a lot of style, he still captures our attention every single time he's on the screen. He has the same haircut since. I Dream of Jeannie, it's like baby, ain't nothing changed? I don't have to change anything. You're gonna love me either way, and to me that solidifies it. Congratulations for the who Needs a Helmet Award? Going to JR Ewing.
Speaker 1:Here's the opportunity to use an honorable mention. The category is the best use of hair. Falcon Crest's great late Michael Cranston or Michael Ranson, whatever his name was. His hair was fried, fried, dyed and laid to the side. But you know what? He wasn't gray. He bought shoe polish, he bought mascara, he bought that edge control that's a little bit darker. He did what he had to do to make sure his roots never shown comb over. It was fluffy indeed, but he darkened it and he sprayed it down and he made it work until the last moment when he went down in flames on that airplane. Honorable mention for the best use of hairspray to the dearly departed Dr Michael Ranson, aka Dr Cousins, rip.
Speaker 1:I kind of miss them on the show a little bit. This is a fascinating category to me for several reasons. As I've already reiterated, I hate the 80s. I hate the crunchy look, in particular of hair, and it's always rubbed me the wrong way. Even though I have been watching these shows for a couple years now, I'm easing into the 80s. It does make it slightly more palpable, but it's still very, very distracting.
Speaker 1:Enter the contestants for this particular prize. We have Sammy Jo. The contestants for this particular prize we have Sammy Jo, we have Claudia the Stallion and we have Crystal and Cream. Going back to episode 100, 130, a wife, a respectable woman, has hair that falls just at or just below the shoulders. Now Sammy Jo and Claudia have taken note to this. They've taken a few liberties and it is expressed through their hair. Throughout the rest of this season, as far as I know, I've actually only watched five or six episodes. So that is what it is, sammy Jo.
Speaker 1:Let's start with her. Heather Locklear has this gorgeous head of very light blonde hair. I would say it's sort of thick. I definitely can't see her scalp, but she married. A man on the show kept her hair about shoulder length, but it is feathered to the gods. It's fluffy. She has a cheat code which I did not think about when I made all these rules up. I didn't actually make up these rules. These are the rules I believe that exist. These rules up. I didn't actually make up these rules. These are the rules I believe that exist.
Speaker 1:Her hair is feathered. It's got height, it's got dimension, it's got texture, but it's still moved. So she needs to shake her head fastly. Her hair is bouncing and behaving with her. It works for her current title. It's a technicality, it's one of those things you're like hmm, you slid in here on the skin of your teeth, but I'll allow it. But she is respectable wife. With that, just past the shoulder hair length, light wisp of hairspray, just so we can. She needs a hairspray to hold the waves but not crunch them down. You know what I mean. It's still soft and succulent. She's not running her fingers through her hair. It is still bouncing around. It's that perfect combination of.
Speaker 1:I need you to hold hold onto the style that I worked so hard to create, but I don't need you to dominate it. Okay, I don't want helmet hair, I want heaven hair. Moving on to my girl, claudia. Now, oh Lord, if memory serves me correctly, season one, miss Claudia had a pretty decent amount of hair. Here's the thing about being a woman. It's like I understand the trade of this business. You can achieve volume by adding hot rollers. You can achieve volume by teasing it at the roots.
Speaker 1:There are several subtle ways to make it appear as if you have a lot of hair. I've never caught Claudia as someone with a ton of hair, but now that they are doing that 80s harsh feather, harsh, stiff spray paint, spray down hairspray look, I'm starting to worry about the integrity of her hair. It seems a little bit crunchy. It's not giving what it needs to give. Same goes for Crystal. Here's the thing. I watched a movie with her, probably last year, and God, I can't remember the name, but it had this guy in it, and the premise of the movie was that the guy's lover had died and the lover had originally lived in this really small town and, for some, some reason or another, he was connected to Crystal Carrington in Cream and mind you, she's she's in her late 70s in this movie, but she looks amazing. The plastic surgery was surgery in it. She looks good, but her hair has gone to just a full color blonde. They don't do a really good job on this, on this, on this series so far. It's almost as if she has do.
Speaker 1:You guys remember those of you of a certain age will remember when you did the frosted tips in your house and there was this plastic shower cap that you put over your head. You, like you'd brush your hair back, you'd put the plastic cap over your head and there was this tiny little needle tool that probably came from a learned to stitch with me, from michael's like. It was a very basic plastic tool but you would rip your hair through this plastic little shilling thing or protective shield and you'd bleach it to the gods. You'd bleach it to death and then when you took it off, you had this amazing highlight. Mind you, you have probably like an inch and a half of ruse. That's neither here nor there. I feel like they're doing that with Crystal. So she's not giving blonde bombshells so much as it's like it looks like straw, it's very crispy and this season. They've done a lot of updos for her and even though she's shaking her head head, her hair's not really moving a lot. So it is without question that the winner of the best use of hairspray category goes to none other than Sammy Jo. Crystal and Claudia are giving us crispity, crunchity, peanut, brittlely, your hair's about to fall out of the roots hair, while Sammy Jo was giving us rock and roll, like, if you're going to be an 80s chick, be this 80s chick. I love it Looks wonderful. Congratulations, sammy Jo.
Speaker 1:Before I go any further too, I think I need to explain that hair, to me, is not a good or a bad thing. It's wonderful if you have it on your head. If you don't, oh well, people rock the baldy amazingly. I want to emphasize that a great head of hair has nothing to do with how straight it is. A great head of hair means that you have enough hair on your head to enjoy several different styles without having to chop it off after the fact. If your hair has been bleached to oblivion, that's not a good head of hair, no matter how thick it is. But if you got a good thick head of hair, you can slap a few rollers in it and it's bouncing and you get the freedom of having several different identities or several different options as far as how you want to present yourself. That is a great head of hair.
Speaker 1:The next category is a short king. This award goes to the man with the most short and respectable hairdo. Of course we got to bring back the. Let's see what is he? The Terror of North Texas, jr Ewing, with that mama's boy haircut? That's really what it is. That's the perfect thing. I kept thinking he looks like Evan from Lego movie, but it's just. It's such a haircut that you could see on a three-year-old from 1950. And that's exactly what he's wearing Now. Does it matter? Absolutely not. He wears a boss hog hat, wears that 10-gallon hat In Texas. That means you are the man. Boyfriend. You got a big hat that is elaborately decorated. That means you are running teens. Boyfriend, you got a big hat that is elaborately decorated. That means you are running teens left and right and people won't let you get away with certain things. Adam's off the meds side part is a killer haircut, quite literally.
Speaker 1:Adam feels like he is the prototype for the movie Psycho Not the original one, but the one with Christian Bale where he's like this 80s yuppie and he's like. That guy had a better car than him and he flipped out. That's what Adam is given. He is stone cold. He does not seem to be aware of many emotions. He understands when he is slighted and he understands that he needs to present in a certain way and half of that is with this unassuming side part haircut while he is slighted and he understands that he needs to present in a certain way, and half of that is with this unassuming side part haircut while he is reigning terror and wreaking havoc left and right. It is a beautiful thing to watch and he did, quite frankly, try to kill somebody. He doesn't like getting his hands dirty. Clearly he will let you breathe in toxic. He'll let you get a lung full of toxic fumes 80 times over before he says a single word about it. Prove it was me and what. Oh well, people die every day. It's kind of his MO this season.
Speaker 1:This next person needs no introduction and, frankly, you already know he won. There's only one person in the world of soap operas, of course, who is worth his reward, and that is mr foxworthy, aka better known as to falcon beans, at least the aviator adonis chase gil. You cannot compete with the natural fro. Okay, he even matches his chest hairs to this. This is not a game for him. It is V-necks and aviators all day, every day. Rain, shine, monsoon, hurricane it is what it is. Get your life together. If it's too much to look at, I understand. Oh, I'd also like to mention lawyer Andrew from Dynasty honorable mention. He has the same wavy curls as Chase, but he chooses to slick those back and hide his natural glory.
Speaker 1:Such a disappointment, for whatever reason, it has taken me exceptionally long to record this episode. I've had to stop several times. Summer is summering. People need to be where they need to be, and I forgot that. I'm a full-blown adult who is responsible for other people. But nevertheless, we're going to get back to our regularly scheduled program very, very soon.
Speaker 1:If ever two people could make me reconsider my disdain for the 80s, it would be the incomparable, iconic Alexis Carrington-Cole and the newly minted queen of the fedora slash Carmen. San Diego hat Miss Pamela Lynch. I'm not going to front. Every time I see Pam in a new, new outfit, I reconsider my disdain for the 80s because she is killing it. She's got the short haircut, she's got the weird makeup, she's got the androgynous hairstyle. I'm like, okay, I sort of, I sort of get it. I get it on her. It feels like high fashion. But when it hits the masses it doesn't quite hit the same. You know, alexis has chopped off her hair. She's got that very, very weak, poor man's Elizabeth Taylor haircut. It is not that baby. Can we talk all you OGs?
Speaker 1:I would love to know what the reception was when she appeared on season four, episodes like three through five, with this shorter, but but just not quite it. You can tell she's not comfortable with the haircut. She's fidgeting with it. Her hands are constantly in it and not in a good way. It's like when you smooth your shirt down over and over, it's not because you love your outfit. When you love your outfit, you barely touch it. She can't keep her hands out of her hair and it's just not quite giving what it needs to give. But Miss Lynch's is now.
Speaker 1:For comparison's sake, it is important to remember that Falcon Crest is the last of the great primetime soap operas of the 80s. It came out a little bit later than the rest, so they are up to fashion. It seems like they're fashion forward, but in reality they, you know, a few years ahead. Quite literally it's like 1984, while on Dynasty in Dallas it's still like 1980, 1982, 1983. So it's just hitting a little bit different. They've had a little bit of time to understand. That's the privilege and pride of coming in third. You've seen all the mistakes. You can polish those away and make this a shiny, relatable soap opera, which I think Falcon Crest has done a really great job of, and my bias maybe a little bit, but it's just as much a surprise to me as it is to you. Anyways, enough of the rambling.
Speaker 1:This next category. It goes out to all of my girls who grew up with a barrette box, who had an older sister comb your hair at different times, who understand what it means to have an accessory and what it means to the entire ensemble Best use of hair as and or with an accessory, while rocking the accessories. I know that's a mouthful, I'll say it again Best use of hair as and or with an accessory, while rocking the accessories. Meaning your hair is actually the focal point of this segment. When you walked out of the door, you simply put on clothes because it is required by our society, and you threw on a hat to accentuate your killer haircut. This is what we're talking about on this, or using hair as an accessory period, point blank.
Speaker 1:No two people do this better than Alexis Carrington Colby and Miss Pamela Lynch. Alexis Carrington Colby from the time she's jumped on this show, I was a big fan because I could see the wig. Not only is she playful, not only is she flirty, not only is she low-key, dangerous. She's unpredictable as unpredictable as her hair. I love it when a woman is not afraid to say you know what, maybe I'm blonde on Tuesday, maybe I'm a brunette by Friday, maybe I'm a redhead by Sunday. It is your prerogative, because you should not be taking hair this seriously. It is not a permanent fixture, okay, it's going to change. No, you should not be taking hair this seriously. It is not a permanent fixture, okay, it's gonna change. No, one's hair looks the same from the time of their birth to the time they're 90 years old. You're gonna do millions. If you're enjoying your life the way you should, you should have many hair, and she understands it. She, she buys wigs.
Speaker 1:It's first time I ever saw a bang gang on the show. It was from alexis carrington colman. And when I I say a bang, I don't mean like the regular degular your mom cut your hair in the bathroom. I mean, this is a clipman that I have cut to tailor my face for this particular high shoulder. Look, tomorrow I'm gonna slick my hair back. I don't actually have bang yanks, but I I'm going to put on one because I purchased it with my money. What's that line from that Ariana Grande song? Oh, you like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it. That is Alexis Carrington Colby.
Speaker 1:She understands that hair is an accessory. It is an accent to the attitude. It is an accent to the mood that you are portraying to the world and nobody. And accent to the attitude is an accent to the mood that you were portraying to the world, and nobody and I do mean nobody does it better. The only other person with sort of a bang is Emma, and God knows I love a whimsical, low-key computer whiz, emma, but her bangangs look like her mama cut those for her and her mom is a perm rod. God, why Emma's bangs are so flat and all over her face. I really don't understand. I really don't know. Miss alexis karen and kobe is killing it with the hair pieces. She is bringing weaves to the early 80s and I I salute her for it.
Speaker 1:Now miss pamela lynch, aka richard's booth thing, is known for noisy textiles. She loves a sequined gown. She loves a swishy, windbreaker material jumpsuit and she loves, love, love, loves a piece of leather, preferably a bright piece of colored leather, whether it's a Mike Jackson thriller jacket or one of her many pairs of leather pants. What she's not going to do is let her hair distract you from one of her fabulous, noisy ensembles. She keeps her hair short and sweet, and she should, because you know what? That face card is never going to decline. I haven't looked her up. I've looked up a lot of people. I can guarantee you that bone structure, those eyes, that face, that face card is never declining. She don't need hair, baby. You need to look at my leather pants. I am damn near six feet tall. Look at my ensemble. Look at my Carmen Sandiego hat. She's never going to look every time she sees you and she does not mind a noisy piece of textile. Like I said before, she keeps a Carmen Sandiego hat on deck. Like I said before, she keeps a Carmen Sandiego hat on deck.
Speaker 1:Nobody and I do mean nobody, not old, not young is killing it more than Miss Pamela Lynch in the hat game. She's got a hat for every occasion. She's got a hat for the derby. She's got a hat for the office. She's got a hat for when she is forced by the cartel to go to the silversmith and implant some sort of bomb inside of a trophy. She's got to happen when she runs away from the cartel after she is planted some sort of bomb inside of the trophy. Do not play with Pamela Lynch when it comes to a hat. She will end you every single time.
Speaker 1:I'd like to give a grand round of applause for Pamela Lynch and Alexis Carrington Colby for understanding the assignment. A best use of hair and or with an accessory while rocking accessories. Well done, ladies. If anybody could make me an 80s fan, it'd be you. One of the most important awards of the evening would be the Grown and Golden.
Speaker 1:This is for the older people. On the episode which I am a fan of. I do not believe in this whole. You turn 60 and suddenly you're not important, or 70. That's where all the wisdom is, baby. Let me tell you something. When I was 20 years old, I worked at this car dealership. Most of the women in the office were over 50 years old. Do you know? I learned everything. I know all the tricks of the trade, all the secrets, all the tea from these women you need if you have a granny, an auntie, somebody older in your life, and I mean four years older than you. You need to sit down with them. If they've seen it all, they've heard it all, they can clock it all. That's where the real tea is. I, frankly, have fully enjoyed them.
Speaker 1:So it's no surprise that Angela Tanning is obviously one of my favorite people on the show. It's not just because she's an older woman. It's because she's past that, the age where you can be swayed by other people's opinions of you. She's not worried about what people think. She's worried about her money because she has worked way too long and too hard to establish herself to worry about somebody not thinking she's cute or cool. She don't care my hair short because I'm not playing around, and that goes for a few other people on these shows who need to be the focal point a little bit more. If I do say so myself Without being said, the Grown and Golden Award is for the person who presents the best persona of I'm too old for this ish. Basically they give that every time they step on the scene they mean business and the rest of the cast supports them as such.
Speaker 1:Of course, without question, the unfadable angela channing even with the orphan ann Annie realness haircut with a hint of fear sprinkled in for highlights she is killing the game. Even in 1984, remember when I told y'all that she was married to Ronald Reagan first? Now, back when she had him, she couldn't really stand him. They couldn't really get things together. They had a couple of kids. Then he goes off and he marries Nancy Reagan.
Speaker 1:I'm not trying to start anything. I'm just saying that if you look at Nancy Reagan circa 1980 to 1989 and you look at the incomparable Angela Perm Rock God Channing 1980 to 1989, you understand that somebody was mimicking somebody. Could it be a sign of the time? Probably Do I enjoy my sign of the time. Probably Do I enjoy my storyline a little better? I do. Angela's hair screams. Nancy Reagan wants to be me so bad. She tried her best to be me so bad.
Speaker 1:I looked up the actress who plays Angela Channing and back in the day day she was a fun girly. She was like a, like a Gwen Stefani, like a Kylie for you, gen X Z's. I guess she wasn't afraid to play around with her hair. It was dyed, fried and laid to the side all sorts of different colors and she killed each and every one of them. She seems to be a much more fun and vibrant person in real life versus her character, but those perm rods are tucked tight. It is fluffed to a respectable length because she's not here to play with y'all. She's too old for y'all. Shout out to my girl the perm rod god herself, angela Channing.
Speaker 1:Now I surprised myself with this next entry. It is none other than Blake Carrington. Why, I don't know. I tend to forget Blake's on the show a lot of times. I kind of bypass him when I'm putting the stories together in my head, but quiet is kept. I really dig salt and pepper hair. I think it's such a distinguished thing and it seems to only happen to people with deep, dark color hair where it fades into this beautiful melody of salt and pepperness. I think that is the most distinguished looking hair on earth. I love it so much. It looks beautiful on men. It looks beautiful on women. It is gorgeous Especially if you embrace it. You let it be what it's going to be. It is unfathomable. I love it so much.
Speaker 1:I remember that scene where Blake attacked his wife over some birth control pills. She was taking it like 50. We're not. We're going to let that be what it's going to be Soap tax, soap tax, soap tax. But yeah, he attacked her because she didn't want to have his demon seed as he's attacking her.
Speaker 1:It was a horrible scene. I didn't like it at all. I don't like violence against women. I don't like violence in people's personal space. It really makes me upset. But, sadly, like 30% of my brain was like my God, look at that hair. It was swishing and swaying and moving and, mind you, if reality had taken over. There's no version of that story in my head where crystal couldn't have taken down blake carrington salt paper hair. Now I don't care what he says. I don't care if he he's telling the whole world that he started from the bottom now he's here that he was on the, you know, on the ground or some roughneck. He does not have the shoulders for that. He has weak ankles and thin wrists. You're not going to convince me that he was lifting pipe or anything heavier than a stack of thousand dollar bills ever in his life. Crystal from Ohio, you're not going to tell me you couldn't handle that. That's what I'm not going to believe.
Speaker 1:Anyway, let's mosey on down to Dallas for my favorite gravel voice man, jock Ewing Jossier. His name is not Jossier butck ewing the first, I like it. He is a leathery tan, older white man who has been cowboy sunning since at least the 1920s and it is showing up in full force 1980. I'm not mad at it. I guess he might have had dark hair. I think he probably would have had lighter hair because he's not salt and pepper, it's all white. But it works. He's got a full head of hair and that is remarkable because I'm sure many of his constituents do not have that same grace. But I mean, sadly Jock kind of keeps his hair under a hat. But it's a comfort to me personally to know that at his age he's still like big and strong. He's got these. You know he loves showing his chesticles. He is not embarrassed to put on the Mr Magoo glasses and a wildly patterned outfit. It is the late 70s, early 80s after all. But he is doing his thug fizzle and I enjoy it. I enjoy jock's beautiful, bountiful head. Last but not least, we have miss ellie with the bob. I love a good bob. Hers is a little shorter now. Bobs are traditionally at least on women traditionally about 10 length and they're angled where they are shorter in the back, a little bit longer in the front. It is supposed to be timeless, it is supposed to be sophisticated, and I agree.
Speaker 1:Miss Ellie chose to take hers up a little shorter because, like I said, she's old, she ain't got time. She don't have time to be waking up every morning curling hair for what. She spends 97% of her time on the ranch smelling cow turds and watching her whore of a son run around her clueless husband. She. Who am I dressing up for who at this point? For what? But she has a thick, gorgeous head of hair that she keeps about just below the ear, just so you know she's not playing with you, she's. If she cuts you out, she's not gonna have to push her hair behind her ears if she gets in your face. She's grown. Listen I. I have paid my dues. I've gone through curlers and cans and all those things. I'm over it. This is what I look like now.
Speaker 1:Eat it or don't, because let the record show. Don't forget that Ellie had a full grown man who's been checking for her for the last 60 years. Try to steal her from her husband 60 years into their marriage. Okay, for her for the last 60 years, try to steal her from her husband. 60 years into their marriage, okay, or 50 years? Let me be respectful. I don't know how old they are, I guess they would be about 65. So let's say, let's be respectable and say 50 years, 45 to 50 years this man has been pining for her. She's still got it and it is probably because she has that gorgeous head of hair that she's. But is she going to do anything else? She can put on red lipstick. Why she stopped doing that in 1947. She lives on a whole ranch in the middle of Texas with absolutely nobody coming out to visit her, which is why she holds her children hostage. For love, of course.
Speaker 1:Wink wink, the award for Grown and Golden. You already know who it goes to. I only named the last three people as a courtesy, none other than the perm raw goddess herself, angela Channing. The next category is the bros of a feather. That's right. This goes to the bro with the best feather cut. I don't really know the proper name for it, but you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Watch any show from the 1970s, probably circa 1973 to about 1981. You've got that center part, you've got the feather cut. It's brushed back. It's blown back. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:It is bad girl Sammy's haircut, but shorter in the masculine version, and there are three people who rock it the absolute best on season four. First and foremost, we have the resident Boy Scout, bobby Ewing. Bobby has an incredible thick head of hair. It's never been the highlight of the show for me per se. His, his oh shucks or his look on his face has often stolen the show. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention he had a healthy, beautiful head of very, very thick hair that he has coiffed to perfection 99% of the time.
Speaker 1:Next up we got new face Stephen Carrington Now, quiet is kept the old Stephen I feel like old face Stephen definitely had naturally curly hair. It seems as if they tried to brush it out. They tried to do funny things with it. I don't remember it making much of a statement, but I will say new Stephen, they got him a good blow dryer. They got him a good roll brush. They have him an impeccable hairstylist.
Speaker 1:He is feathered to perfection every time he steps on the scene. Cleft chin check, feathered hair, check Six inches on the other one, check, check, check this guy, he's got it made. They really. They recast the hell out of Stephen Harrington and, dare I say it, one of the best parts of his character is that billowy feathered fro, or like it's not a fro, definitely not a fro. He's got a feathered do, if you will. Last but not least, I have to mention Voyeur Chris. Now, mind you, he has these. I used to call those double eyes. He has the lightest blue eyes I've ever seen, haunting damn near Almost zombie-like. I'm not no disrespect to anyone who has them, it's just the impression. They're very like he doesn't blink. It's a little bit unnerving to me personally. I don't feel quite comfortable watching him all the time, but his hair is coiffed to perfection.
Speaker 1:Be that as it may, I think this category goes to new face, stephen Carrington and his fabulous feathered fro. On one of my personal favorite categories it is the most likely to induce envy, accolade, and that goes to our girl Batgirl Melly. Melissa Agretti-Cumson has a fabulous head of hair and she reminds me of my childhood friend I'm going to go ahead and use her name, erica who had the inept ability to understand a hot roller. Mind you, we're Texas girls, so big hair was a thing Even in the late 90s. We kind of understood that there's always going to be a little bit more volume to our hair versus any other hair in the country, except for New Jersey, which I have felt like I have a very strong connection to. I understand the beehive, I understand the height that they put on their hair. Quite frankly, I think they're doing a great job. But Erica understood the assignment of a hot roller and when I look at Melissa Agretti I totally get it. Side note, fun note. It just occurred to me.
Speaker 1:Um, erica was the youngest of many, many kids, like I think her parents had something like eight children. She was significantly younger than her older siblings. They had children, so she had a host of nieces and nephews, two of which one was a girl named Samantha Jo and a nephew named Steven. It never clicked until today. Her sister was a diehard Dynasty fan, so much in back that she named her kids Sammy, joe and Steven. Beautiful people, by the way.
Speaker 1:Melissa Greggie's roller and her ability to swing that hair. When she is lying through her teeth, when she is slapping someone's face, when she is negotiating the welfare of her child in exchange for 50 acres of prime wine real estate, she does what she needs to do. She wears it up, she wears it down, she swings it round and round. She seduces Richard, or so she thinks. She seduces Cole. Quite frankly, all the time she represents her husband by what would you call that? It's not an arranged marriage per se, it's just like her marriage of convenience. No matter what Melissa's doing, whether that hair is tucked under a hat or it's swinging past her shoulders, she is giving us life with this beautiful head of healthy, versatile hair. Most enviable hair goes to bad girl Melly Mel. I have a special announcer for this one my husband Jay, who has been chatter, chatter, chatting with our kids very loudly. He's going to go ahead and read the next category, which is the best supporting hair oscar do you know who maggie giaberti is?
Speaker 1:yes, she's on falcon crest who is she on falcon crest like? Is she a bad guy? Is she a good guy? Uh, I believe she's a good guy okay. Do you know who her husband is? No okay, doesn't matter, I'll catch you up very soon. She is the what. She is the best supporting hair Oscar. Okay, go ahead and read the title.
Speaker 1:Let's not forget the supporting cast, whose hair may not have had many plot lines but still held up to the drama, quite literally and figuratively. I will have to correct myself on that. Maggie's hairline has done amazing things. She is a first ever recipient of the cryogenic laser brain surgery that did not disrupt that beautiful head of hair she has, but she is walking through Falcone Crest with that respectable wife length hair, if you recall, on episodes 100 or 130. Wives wear hair that is just at or below the shoulder. She is setting the precedent for all wives to come. Even her harlot of a sister, aunt Terry.
Speaker 1:Maggie and her bouncy coils and coifs is setting the precedent of what a good wife should be. She's never actually solving a problem, but she's always around when there is a problem. Her son's wife just died in a plane crash I don't know if you know this and she was like okay, when are we going to clean this house out? She's been through a lot, she's. She's definitely in the storyline, she's about to become some radio reporter, but I'd like to give her a shout out and I will catch you up very soon.
Speaker 2:Is there anyone else on any of these shows that you think has an amazing head of hair? If my memory serves, I would have to say you know, as far as dude's hair and girl's hair.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it doesn't matter, bobby has got flawless head of hair. If we're talking about guys with flawless hair, well, you know, bobby was just in a category for me called bros of a feather with the best feather do. He did not win. He lost out to new face, stephen Carrington, but I will agree he has an amazing set of hair. I knew him as I can't remember his name. Now, uncle, whoever on step by step, yeah, patrick.
Speaker 2:Patrick Duffy is his name, but I can't remember his name now. Uncle, whoever on, step by Step, yeah, patrick.
Speaker 1:Patrick Duffy is his name, but I can't remember it was Uncle something, that's who. I knew him as he had an amazing head of hair then and I think he might still have it. But unfortunately he has not won any awards this evening. But I appreciate you and I'll talk to you soon. All right, thank you. And I'll talk to you soon, all right.
Speaker 1:Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, my husband Jay. He watches the Soaps with me occasionally, but he also has the Attachment. I used to watch them with his grandmother. He's a little bit older than I am so he remembers slightly more, but we have enjoyed watching some of these together. All right, guys, I think this episode is running a little bit long. It looks like this is going to be a two-parter. I tried to make a pun, that just did not work, but we will get to one more kind of flimsy category. In the main event, we've got to get to who is the creme de la creme, the hair apparent of season four. All right guys, remember to keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your remote closest. Lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat. Nothing destroys a dew like residue. Stay hydrated, moisturize Don't forget to moisturize your hair. Mind your business and keep all of your drama on tv until next time Bye.