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Soaplore
Ever wondered what you missed out on before the golden age of streaming? Welcome to Soaplore, the podcast where we dive headfirst into the wonderfully over-the-top world of vintage soap operas from the 80s and 90s. I’m Jett, a TV-loving Millennial who’s finally escaping the monotony of modern shows and embracing the drama, the shoulder pads, and the catfights of yesteryear.
Join me as I experience the soapy sagas of "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Falcon Crest," and "Knots Landing" for the first time, episode by episode. With over 200 shows, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and we’ll probably question our life choices—just like the characters do, but with slightly less fabulous wardrobes.
Whether you’re a Xillenial who grew up with these iconic series, a Millennial like me who missed out the first time around, or a new fan discovering the glorious chaos of primetime soaps, "Soaplore" is your time machine to the melodramatic past. Tune in, relive the magic, and let’s marvel together at how people ever survived without binge-watching.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong, because, trust me, you’ll need it. This isn’t just nostalgia; this is Soaplore—where every episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, and nothing is ever as it seems.
Soaplore
S2 Ep5 Knots Landing- Kristen : The "Serial Side Chicks" Episode
Bubble Baddies rise up! Bad Girl Kristen has made it to the West Coast!! It is a Bad Girls Club take over and it may be time for an overhaul.
What happens when a seemingly innocent character turns into a ruthless game-changer? Discover the jaw-dropping transformation of Kristen Shepard from "Dallas" as we reminisce about her role in one of TV’s most shocking moments. We'll also pay tribute to Shannon Doherty, honoring the unforgettable legacy she left as Brenda in "90210." Get ready to relive the drama, intrigue, and glamour that made these vintage soap operas timeless classics.
Join us as we unravel the emotional rollercoaster of Ginger’s life, a kindergarten teacher caught in a web of betrayal and resilience. From her chaotic separation from Kenny to her unexpected connection with Dr. Carl, Ginger’s story is one of internal conflict and newfound strength. We'll explore the intricate dynamics of her relationships, revealing the deeper narrative of betrayal and the struggle for self-worth amidst the chaos.
Finally, immerse yourself in the explosive drama of "Knots Landing" as we dissect the tangled relationships and moral dilemmas that drive the characters. From Kenny and Kristen's scandalous escapades to Sylvie's professional jealousy and Ginger's budding romance with Dr. Carl, there's no shortage of twists and turns. We'll also hint at future drama with potential romantic entanglements and personal tensions that promise to keep you glued to the edge of your seat. Don’t miss out on this whirlwind of emotions and revelations on Knots Slanding!
Man, you're not going to believe who I saw looking like a golden girl this morning, not running at the exercise park. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to SoFloor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jet, viewing and reviewing one of the soapiest, subdiest primetime storylines of 1980. We are back on the West coast doing the absolute most with Dallas, his own, kristen Shepard, a misty little man, 1979. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, get back and enjoy, tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. So, babe, no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Everyone else in earshot be cool, be quiet will be kicked out, just like Kristen, because we are talking about our stories.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soap Floor. What's up? Party people? Welcome back to another fun-filled edition of so floor when I tell you this might be one of my most anticipated episodes of season two, episode five, nonce landing. Oh, this is the one I have personally been waiting for. Everybody's favorite trifling little heifer has made her way to the west coast. We get to put a few pieces of this puzzle together, because I don't know about you, but I had some questions. I had serious questions and I have serious doubts and I've made some observations. I hope your day is stacking up well. I'm so glad that you found the time to make a little time for yourself. Let's sit back and enjoy some of this vintage debauchery. Let's step back and enjoy some of this vintage debauchery, starting with our girl, kristen. Once again, I want to say, before we get into the show rest in peace.
Speaker 1:Shannon Doherty, I am still kind of shocked. Uh, I really thought she had this thing beat. So young, so talented, iconic, so memorable, and it made me think about 90210 as a whole. It was one of my first. I was much, much, much too young to watch One of the only shows that I watched. Like, I chose it for myself and watched it at the time. But there was a sort of internal tug of war with me because the two girls that I watched this with, like at school, they all had an attitude about Brenda. I remember having a very heated argument over the whole Brenda and Kelly situation when that finally came up and I'm still team Brenda because how like? Please don't tell me, you're team Kelly, I'm not trying to hear that I don't. They never look good together. I don't care what anybody said. They never look good together, kelly. I don't care what anybody said. They never look good together. Kelly's never. You know what. It's not about Kelly today. It's about another K. It's Kristen.
Speaker 1:But the point I'm bringing up Brenda is that I felt conflicted because I knew people didn't like her, but I couldn't really find a reason not to. So what? She wasn't exactly bubbly. She was just as beautiful as the other girls, but she was very, very confident. I'm talking about Shannon Doherty a little more than I am Brenda, but they are one in the same in my heart, always and forever. She's a little more bold. She was just a little bit more comfortable with being upfront. This is not something that people take well. The older I get, the more I realize that if you aren't comfortable with yourself, it is very difficult to be comfortable with other people. Enter Kristen.
Speaker 1:Kristen showed up many moons ago on Dallas as a little sister who could. She came in with a mission. Now, remember they got rid of the first Kristen. She was a little goofy, she wasn't quite sexy. She was a cute girl, but she did not know how to own her sensuality, own her absolute ruthlessness in a way that could seduce a sleazy older man. Now you wouldn't think that'd be difficult, but there are women who make a whole business out of this. There are women who live their entire lives by being in the gaze of a wealthy man. Kristen understood the assignment and she did not deter from that, and the more I look back over her time on Dallas, it's like she was kind of oozing this from the beginning. There was no flip of the switch in her personality.
Speaker 1:Nothing about her should have surprised me when it was revealed that she was the one who pop, pop, pop, jr. It made sense. Sorry, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, but somehow I was. It's not often that you see someone who is oozing this sort of sensuality, who is making sure that she is constantly appealing to the gaze of the man who she wants to seduce and somehow maintaining a low profile. She flew under the radar for so long. It's not that I forgot that she was there, or even that she was a little bit menacing. I forgot to look at her as a threat. Never did I call her as a threat to JR. I thought this is a threat to Sue Ellen, a messy one because she's very young and naive. But Kristen continues to surprise me.
Speaker 1:So the opening scene is of our girl Kristen, still looking fantastic. She has no baby bump, her hair is still done, alpha is still on point. She is sitting in what I thought was someone's living room. It looks like she's at an old-fashioned kickback Lots of music playing, people are up dancing. I think you can kind of see a pool sort of in the background, but it looks like someone's living room. It's Hollywood, it's the California, at least Looks like it's someone's nice living room Nice for 1980, that is. Anyway, I start to look at the people in the room and notice that there is a heavy male presence, a heavy middle-aged male presence surrounding good Kristen and before you know it, you see her holding a glass of champagne and they are going on and on. You know she's talking. She is surrounded by men, as you would expect a bubbly baddie to be.
Speaker 1:For those of you new to the show, we don't talk about this a lot, but this is where the the bad girls of soap operas assemble and we get to compare their storylines, their antics. Who's really the villain? Who's just having a good time? Who wants to be a bad girl, but can't really. Kristen, by all intents and purposes, is the bad girl right now. Okay, she's the only one who she's got a body under. Well, almost. If he had just had the decency to I don't know turn two inches to the left, jr would have been out of here. Her sister would have been a kabillionaire then she would have been out on her butt. So hey, you know, maybe she just wanted to scare him. I'm gonna choose to believe that.
Speaker 1:But among the baddies in the bad girl club, kristen seems to be the one who has got away scot-free. She did what she did to. She did it to her sister, which is just like it's god. It's harder to get any closer to yourself and then she ended up not going to. She did this so well that the man she stole, seduced and shocked, can't tell anybody in the world about their little affair because she is allegedly carrying his baby now, at first sight, kristen is surrounded by these middle-aged men who are just oohing and awing over her, and she's holding a glass of champagne. So immediately I'm like oh, she's not pregnant. You lying little heifer. I knew it. I knew you weren't pregnant. But then I remembered it's 1980, knew it, I knew you weren't pregnant. But then I remembered it's 1980, so she could have smoked and it would have been. You know, nobody would have batted an eye at her. She's drinking all sorts of champagne so I thought, okay, maybe she is, maybe she isn't.
Speaker 1:Well, anyway, as she's surrounded by the who's who of middle-aged men to avoid at all cost, here comes overzealous zane. He's like hey, pretty lady, where are you from? Another guy's at the bar asking the barkeep, which is where we discovered this is a hotel. She seems to be in the lobby, quote unquote of the club at the hotel. He's asking about her. Oh, yeah, she's been here for about a month. This is that good old obligatory spinoff. They have to tell you that this is. Hey, she's from Dallas. Yeah, we, just to remind us, in case any of us forgot, kristen, although not a Ewing, is from Dallas, which you can watch every Thursday night on whatever network it was on. Stay tuned, folks for Dallas.
Speaker 1:So, as she's surrounded by, these guys are just kind of fawning over her. She's keeping that cool, level-headed, smug look on her face. She's surrounded by these guys are just kind of fawning over her. She's keeping that cool, level-headed, smug look on her face. She's just kind of undulating in her femininity, her seductress, her siren thing when one of the guys says, hey, texas, you want to have a little fun. And he puts a little vial in her hand. Quick story Back in the day as I grew up in Texas, it was very, very common for people to go to Mexico, either to visit family or to do some shopping.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you could buy like furniture this is in the nineties you can go come. People would come and go all the time to like recreationally. People from North Mexico maybe they wanted to hang out at McDonald's or go to a water park or something. Didn't feel like driving down into Mexico City. People in the States would be like, ok, I'm going to go hang out over here, buy furniture for extra, extra cheap, go shopping, just different things like that, totally casual.
Speaker 1:On one of these trips one of my friends brings back this just kind of rainbow array of eyeshadow. But they came in these tiny little vials. I loved it. I was so excited. This is that whole era of the shimmery eye was just sort of coming about. So she got me like three of them, beautiful colors.
Speaker 1:I show my mom, my mom's, like, oh, those are so pretty. My father sees them and he immediately was like what is that? What is that powder in that vial? I'm like it's eyeshadow, dad. Why is it in a vial? I'm like this isn't a vial. That vial is the thing that Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton wear around their neck filled with each other's blood. That's literally what I'm thinking a vial is. I told him where I got it and he immediately made me throw it away and I'm like, yeah, completely overreacted. But as an adult I kind of get it. Even though he grew up in California, I feel like he should have been privy to the fact that our neighbors to the south and it doesn't always have to be something, it's nothing weird, it was eyeshadow.
Speaker 1:When I saw this vial in sweet, sweet, innocent Kristen's hand, I knew that it wasn't powdered eyeshadow from Mexico. I knew for a fact that it was what the people call booger sugar, if you will, that that the druggy stuff what my dad thought. I'm sure he did. I don't know, maybe he thought just to be safe you shouldn't have them in the house. So she's holding this small vial of booger sugar nose candy, if you will when immediately the police show up and they start arresting middle-aged creepy men left and right and good sister kristin, good christian kristin, gets put in the cuffs and sent to the Hollywood clink. One month and she's already in jail.
Speaker 1:I'm assuming she spends the night in jail, but meantime, in between time, on the other side of LA, in a little cove called Knott's Landing, three friends have decided to go for a morning jog. One is a little bit more vivacious than the rest. That would be Valene, the Vidalia Onion Queen. She is lapping people around this track and I read somewhere that the actress, joan Benark, was actually like an avid runner. So listen, she was running and she was talking. It was going well. Laura and Ginger have joined her on this run, but they ain't really about this exercise in life. This is absolutely exhausting.
Speaker 1:Among the many things I want to talk to you guys about on this episode be the bad girl club entry and exit. What sort of stunts you need to put in or get kicked out of the vintage primetime bad girls club. We got to talk about Kenny not being able to keep it in his pants, but a side chick shuffle which directly correlates with Sylvie actually having a singing voice. Ginger's geriatric drip, which we're going to discuss now the evolution of athleisure wear which we're going to discuss now, and Gary's affinity for the form fitting. A lot of the show is indirectly about the clothes, as these women are running. Well, valene is running. Laura and Ginger are waiting for this whole horrible exercising hour to be over and they go and they take a beat. They go ahead and sit down somewhere and they wait for Valene. These women are wearing actual matching sweats and running in them. I really haven't seen that in a very long time. We live in an age where athleisure wear is everyday wear now, and so to see someone in a sweatsuit, sweating it seemed it was remarkable. I'm like, wow, she's got on a full on Adidas green and gray suit looking fantastic. Now Ginger kept it 100% real.
Speaker 1:Ginger has a job. Ginger teaches children and everyone knows that children are ruthless. The younger they are, the more ruthless they are. And she's teaching kindergarten. She's teaching Gen X kindergartners. They're not playing with her, so she knows she has to have her hair done. It needs to be balancing and behaving by the time she gets to school. So I'm assuming she's thinking I have on the sweatsuit, I'm going to keep my rollers in, I'm just going to throw on a silk scarf and I'm going to hit the block.
Speaker 1:I think what Knott's Landing was trying to do is imply that Ginger was unkempt at this moment. But that's very difficult to believe on a soap opera where everyone is drop dead gorgeous, right. So Ginger and Laura are just trying to catch their breath, trying not to pass out, vowing to themselves that they are never, ever, never, never doing this. Valine asks them again. She can forget it, she can run by herself from here on out, but she brought the car. So they have to just kind of shut up and chill until she's ready.
Speaker 1:But, as luck would have it, one of Ginger's kindergarten Gen Xers is taking a break from his ruthlessness. He's keeping up his cardiovascular system by running with his dad, dr Carl. Now Dr Carl, as luck would have it, knows Laura. He's Jason's pediatrician, so he comes on over to say hi. But as he's coming over, little boy sees Ginger and he's like hey, that's my teacher. You know he read her for filth when they got back to school. He like man, you're not gonna believe what I saw looking like a golden girl this morning, not running at the exercise park, but the kid runs up to ginger. Dr carl comes over to laura. Laura briefly introduces him and it is very quickly revealed that both ginger and carl have recently separated from their respective spouses. Now it appears that Carl and his wife are a little bit more than separated. Seems like they already have a schedule. Baby boy comes with him some days. Baby boy goes with mom on other days. This is how it so happens to be the day that he's with him and Ginger is separated.
Speaker 1:But I think you would agree anyone watching the show with me now or anyone who watched it in real time their relationship season one was very confusing to me. I couldn't tell if they were swingers and she just kind of went along with it because that's what he wanted to do. But right now Laura does not seem opposed to introducing Ginger to this nice, handsome, respectable doctor man. They're quickly taken with each other and he encourages her to continue running, specifically running at this track, because he's there every morning. This is where Kenny makes this confusing. I'm starting to understand why I don't understand their relationship. Ginger has been very explicit with this confusing. I'm starting to understand why I don't understand their relationship. Gender has been very explicit with this separation. We are separated.
Speaker 1:The separation to me means okay, we are not divorced, there's probably still a little bit of a possibility. We need to, at the very minimum, have conversations about where we think this is going to go, and sometimes that involves a date. It could mean we look, you know you're weighing your options. So ginger and kenny have for sure been going on dates and last week they slipped. You know, they hooked up. Kenny thought everything was gonna be gucci. She's like absolutely not. Kenny is very perplexed at the end of the date the night previous when Ginger does not invite him in and she says I'm going to explain this to you real slow one more time. We are separated. I am not interested in getting back with you.
Speaker 1:I made a mistake last week and plus, you live and sleep with Sylvie and he just he can't for the life of him understand why this would be a problem, forgetting completely the fact that the reason they split up was because she caught him red-handed with Sylvie, which leads me to believe that this wasn't so much a swinger situation. It seems like it was more of a. She had suspicion about his long nights in the studio, quote-unquote seem. It seems like she didn't see it because she had such a harsh reaction when she did. Now I'm confused again because during this episode I can't remember the name of the episode, but it is where they have a kick back at their house and that's when we meet Sylvie, and she didn't sound all that great to me at the time, but Sylvie is singing in the living room and she pretty much makes it known that she wants Kenny and he puts his arm around her. So it seems like Ginger was well aware of it. So she's either grown really really tired of it or she's never really seen it face to face. She knows he does what he does and didn't like it. But it's one thing to have it all in her face and remember he would be like oh well, why don't you talk to my boss? I don't know, it's a weird situation. Either way, ginger's over it. She don't want to live like that anymore.
Speaker 1:So this that morning, once Valene is done with all of her good old fashioned exercising, there's a whole side note. There is an exchange this episode between Karen and Sid and Richard where they sort of come to a conclusion or come to an agreement. Karen and Richard do. I'm just going to go ahead and leave that part out in case you guys watch the way the writing is going on this show. I get the feeling this will come up again very, very soon. It just wasn't the focal point of this episode. But just know that Richard is at home. Laura is killing it. She seems to be doing well, he's not. It seems like he told Laura that he was fired from his position because of being kicked off of Sid and Karen's case, just know. But by the end of the episode a confession is made. Okay, that's going on with them. We'll save them for another day.
Speaker 1:This episode is really about kenny, kristen and ginger. In a nutshell. So after valene has had a rigorous morning run, she's about to go to school. I think she said she has some sort of testing. The phone rings. She goes to pick it up and the person on the other line is Kristen, sitting in jail. And do you know what she says? This fake Southern belle? I don't think Kristen's from Texas. I feel like they said Florida at some point. But either way, she should know better. She should have some decent manners. Do you know what she says when Valene picks up her home phone, kristen, who is this? Valene is like this is valine. Who's this? Oh, hey, valine, it's chris. Who is this? Who did you call? On what planet is that? Who is this girl like? Like kristen pays any bill ever in life, ever. She probably even know what a phone bill looks like. Girl, anyway, we're not gonna get caught up on the details. Well, kristen says valine, I'm so glad it's you. You and Gary are the only number I have in LA and I'm in trouble. Can you please come get me? Valian's like oh, I don't know. You can tell she don't want to get involved.
Speaker 1:Valian's lived a whole life. She's probably lived a very interesting life. She's especially being a waitress. She's probably dealt with some very. You deal with every kind of person you can think of when you work in the public or you work in any sort of service, anything where you are customer or citizen facing. You're going to see a whole lot of stuff. So immediately her heckles rubbed, she's like oh, I don't know, kristen. Oh, please, please, valene, I can explain, please. She's like all right, well, tell me where you're at. She's down at the Hollywood PD. So Valene, luckily, is a woman with more than one car. She goes down there and she picks her up Meanwhile back in Northland.
Speaker 1:At the end of the day, ginger is surprised by Dr Carl. He's picking up his kid and he's like hey, basically he asked her on a date. She says you know, I'd love to. However, I am actually headed to San Francisco to visit my mom. I've been waiting to do this. Blah, blah, blah. Just know that this take this is.
Speaker 1:This is the beginning of a it looks like weeks long love affair. He pulls a kenny and ropes his little boy into it's like hey, son, what do you think about me taking your teacher out for pasta? And little boy's like yay, I can't imagine he thinks anything of that. I would be very pissed if this is my. This is my thursday dad. We're supposed to be ordering pizza. She can eat pasta by herself. Let her be a lonely golden girl tracksuit wearing woman by herself. Why are you bringing her into our stuff? But the kid is cool with it. So I'm assuming dad's house has a lame toys, no video games or whatever, or he just really likes his babysitter. Either way, the stage is set.
Speaker 1:Speaking of stages, sylvie is no doubt at the beginning of an illustrious career in music, film and television. Apparently, her album is climbing the chart. She is number like 33 or 34 or something. Kenny has produced it. Things are looking great.
Speaker 1:This is all back at the studio and finding out all this information, the only little hiccup is that Sylvie is a jealous psycho woman. She's upset with Kenny for hiring three more girls. Now it girls and guys. We've all been told the way you get them is the way you lose them. If he cheated on his wife to be with you, sylvie is smart enough to realize that the opportunities are endless when it comes to a man who is not not married or committed to her and a record producer. And he works at night and he travels and he has. You get it. You get what I'm saying. So she's like dude, you can't, you can't hire other women to sing. He's like Sylvie for the love of god, relax, you need me, like I need you, so just chill.
Speaker 1:But in the meantime, in between time, he's still trying to woo Ginger back. I can't tell if he actually wants her, seems like he wants her back. He seems to be very lost. He's always finding a way to pop back up on the cul-de-sac and he's oh Gary, I'm bringing your money back, or you know? Oh hey, sid, can I borrow this, the thing or the other? He's just trying to find a way to to greet her, but I think it's one of those situations where she's starting to understand her worth.
Speaker 1:Ginger has found her voice and she's not willing to go back on it. She's not willing to compromise, because this has been years, I'm assuming, of him not listening to her, so she's not in the mood. Sylvie is shaking in her side chick boots because she already knows this thing could be gone at any minute. Now is she more interested in the producing or is she more interested in the producing or is she more interested in the man? Probably the latter for now. But it only takes a few months and the former will be very, very true. She's gonna need a hot. She's gonna need, she's gonna need a hot new producer sooner rather than later. But let's get to the big show.
Speaker 1:So Gary Ewing, sober as a judge, maybe in bed with the mob we don't really know yet they don't talk about on this show comes home at the end of a hard, long day. Valene is cooking up a Sunday dinner. He smells the pot roast, he sees the gravy, he smells the cornbread. He's like, oh, we're gonna get down, get down, he's ready to eat. And then he starts thinking about it. Oh, are we having a party? And she's like no, no, no, kristen's here. Kristen. Who Kristen? You know Kristen, sue Ellen's sister.
Speaker 1:And this, ladies and gentlemen, was by far the most interesting development of this episode. This opened a whole new Pandora's box for me, because I didn't realize that I didn't realize something. We all us soap fans, we know how trifling Kristen is. We've seen it firsthand. We've watched her for many episodes run amok, disrespect the incomparable Miss Texas, sue Ellen Ewing, but still her man can do all these sorts of schemes. She had Dallas in a chokehold for like five episodes and then she walks away scot-free. We know that no one else knows that, spinoff or no, I forgot that everyone was not interacting with Kristen the way we, the audience, got to see. I totally missed that part.
Speaker 1:So, as it stands, val and Gary have been on the West Coast. They absolutely know JR has been shot. They absolutely know that he's on the mend. They know that Bobby's running things back in Dallas. They know that Lucy is in love or whatever. But what they don't know is that Kristen was JRR's secretary. They don't know that. They don't know that she had a whole affair with JR. Nobody knows that. I forgot, bobby didn't know that. They also don't know that she's the one who went against the disciple on him and pumped him full of lead. They don't that. But you know what. You know what Gary specifically knows. He knows something ain't right. Despite the aromatic symphony that Valene's good old country pork roast is putting in the air, he can smell Kristen's bs over that delicious pot roast. He already knows something ain't right. From From the minute he sees her, from the minute he realizes who she is, he's like oh, hell, no, hell, no, she ain't staying here. And Val and her Southern bellness, you know she's got those beautiful dinnerware plates she wanted to use. So she's like damn it, gary, let me have my moment. She doesn't say that I'm improvising. But Kristen will be staying, she will be eating dinner, she will be eating it off my brandy plates.
Speaker 1:I never considered also the relationship between Sue, ellen and Gary. Now, later on, gary goes on to tell Valene hey, this girl is trouble. Valene's like no, she's in trouble, we need to help her. She has nowhere else to turn. He's like exactly that's my point. She doesn't have anywhere else to turn because she is trouble. There's a reason nobody is jumping in to help her, which is a very valid point. Tech kind of takes one to know one. Plus, apparently he and suelen have some sort of history, because he feels like suelen is extremely manipulative. We paint the picture. So kristen eats this meal and she's telling Val how wonderful they looked, how wonderful she and Gary looked together, and that she and Lucy are very good friends. Kristen and Lucy are very good friends and she spoke so highly of you. Obviously this is tapping into Valene's heart.
Speaker 1:This is a seductress for real. For real Seduction does not always have to lead to sex. Sometimes it's playing to someone's soft side, you know what I mean. You're becoming alluring to them or endearing to them in some way. Sometimes it's by pulling a few hamstrings, sometimes it's by showing off a little leg. It differs from person to person, apparently, and Kristen sees that Valene's soft spot is the North Texas leader herself.
Speaker 1:Now I was just waiting for Valene to pick up the phone and I'm like call Lucy. Lucy was going to tell you real quick she can't stand Kristen. For real, for real. And Lucy and Gary are on the same page where they both saw her and clocked immediately. There's something ain't right about Kristen.
Speaker 1:Funny enough, it's this very speech that convinces Gary that Sue Ellen's little sister, kristen, is just as, if not more, manipulative than Sue Ellen. That's what he says. He says that she's a plotter, basically calls her a scammer. He might still be a little bit sore about her calling him an alcoholic and denying her own alcoholism when he was on that evangelist kick at the beginning of season four. Yeah, so he might just be a little bit sore, but he does what Valene doesn't do. He gets on the phone and he calls Bob and he's like Bob, tell me about this girl. Bobby's like oh, I don't really know her that well, it's just well and sister, that's all he knows about her.
Speaker 1:I totally forgot. This girl has flown completely under the radar, but not for long. Now that she has wooed and seduced Valene's heart, be very clear with that. This is non-sexual, this whole episode. She woos Valene. Valene's like well, honey, why don't you just stay with us for a few days? Valine's like well, honey, why don't you just stay for us? Stay with us for a few days. Uh, you can go upstairs and take a shower. So she goes upstairs, she takes a shower and gary is downstairs still talking crap about her. When they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door and it is kenny. I might be doing this out of order. I feel like this was.
Speaker 1:Kristen said that little speech in the kitchen. Dinner was there and I think Kenny ends up staying for dinner, so I might have had it a little bit out of sequence. But what I didn't forget is that Kenny shows up in his anchorman cartoon jaw glory, and he is wearing the shimmery-ish, shiniest blue letterman's jacket I've ever seen in my life, highly distracting. He's bringing over some money he borrowed from Gary, just basically making an excuse to be in the neighborhood Ginger's on her little date. So he notices that she's not there.
Speaker 1:Well, kristen comes popping downstairs in a pink robe, with wet hair, tail and valley. She can't figure out how to work the hairdryer. There's no way this woman with butt-length brown hair does not know how to work a hair dryer. She knows how to work every hair tool in that cabinet. No doubt she probably just heard a man downstairs and she wanted to come down there and be messy. So she comes down. Yeah, that's right. This is this.
Speaker 1:All happened before dinner, because this is right about the time that Valene realizes she left the gravy on the stove she has to cut out, and Kenny and Kristen are drawn to each other like moths to a flame and they're just chatter, chatter, chittering. And Gary is doing this really funny thing in the background where he just starts speaking his mind. Kenny and Kristen are so enamored with each other that they can't hear what Gary's saying, and so he's saying stuff like hey, why don't you stick around? Hey, why don't I introduce you to my sister-in-law she's not really my sister-in-law, she's my sister-in-law squared. Actually, I can't stand my sister-in-law, but they don't hear him and me being so messy, I'm like I need to. I need a Gary versus Sue Ellen episode. I really need to see them go ahead and have it out, because this episode it was very clear he can't stand if he can't stand nobody else, he can't stand Sue Ellen. Anytime Kristen would talk or do something he's like just like her nippy little sister. Okay, we get it, you don't like her, we get it and I love it. But understand that whole Kenny thing has been sparked. So eventually Valene makes some offhanded comment about Kristen being new in town and needing a job. And Kenny, do you think you can help her out? Sure, she can come be a receptionist at the studio.
Speaker 1:Enter world war two with the side chicks. Let's say, you have a wife and then you get a side chick and then you get another side chick. Which one of those side chicks is the side chick Are they both Like? Is there a hierarchy? What is that's a very interesting concept. Y'all remember that show Girls Next Door. There was a hierarchy with Hugh Hefner's girlfriends, although I strongly believe this was just kind of an understanding, I don't think any of them were super eager to hook up with Hugh Hefner, but this is basically the same concept. So Ginger is Queen Bee, but she's like I'm not messing with you because of Sylvie. Sylvie is already super jealous. She's going to start making things very uncomfortable around that studio. He starts bringing around some more broads and enters bad girl Kristen. I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoy the scene, because here I start to realize that there are levels to this.
Speaker 1:I thought Kristen when she entered Dallas, I thought she was this neophyte who was going to stumble and make a complete fool of herself with JR. Only she didn't. Mind you, she was still very young, she was still very green and naive when it came to a lot of his dealings. And I'm still not convinced she's 100% come to her senses when it comes to him. But not for nothing. She has learned a bit. She has been around the block.
Speaker 1:This, quite literally, is no longer her first rodeo. So when Sylvie sees her, she's immediately intimidated, because Kristen showed up to work y'all in a purple rain realness outfit. It was either purple or blue, but it's like crushed velvet. She has, like this, four and a half inch waist, super teeny, tiny waist, once again making me think, okay, she's not pregnant. And she is floating through the office the way only Kristen Shepard can. She is unbothered, she is not shy, she is semi sort of demure she's. She understands what, who she is, what she looks like and what sort of man is going to be attractive to her. So she literally, quite literally, just shows up. Sylvie sees this and she's like, oh no, here we go. So she starts making the snarky comments. Nothing comes of it.
Speaker 1:Sylvie continues to fight with Kenny. He continues to be extra stressed out. Now Kristen, side chick number two, the side chick, side chick understands that hey, when having affairs and satisfying multiple women, you're going to grow weary from time to time. So within the studio they have this bar. She's like, hey, let me pour you a little drink. And he starts explaining to her that he just feels so out of sorts and this is so difficult. She's like you're having a hard time choosing between your wife and your girlfriend. She knows better than anybody that this is a difficult choice for a man to make and he's like, yeah, yeah, well, by this time he remembers that he's supposed to be giving her a ride home and that he does. But by the time he gets over to Val and Gary's house, ginger is finishing up a romantic evening with Dr Carl. Now the relationship between she and Dr Carl is unique, but I don't know how promising it is.
Speaker 1:It seems as if Ginger's so fresh off of her relationship with Kenny that any guy who's going to do right by her is going to seem really, really good at the time. Everybody, it's the bounce back. Now dr carl seems like they've been divorced for a while. He makes the jokes of it as they're sitting on the floor saying that's what all divorcees do. They talk about their ex. That's what divorce couple. The people who've been divorced on their first date with new people tend to talk about their ex. But they're having a good time.
Speaker 1:She's putting off her trip hour by hour. First, she's supposed to leave this day, she's supposed to leave the next day and he's going to take her over to the airport. But Carl has other plans. Every time she gets in the car with him he finds a way to sweep her off her feet or take her on a little adventure. So it's really sweet and daring. This just happens to be the end of one of those nights. They are standing on the porch and they start to kiss.
Speaker 1:Just know, he sees Ginger twice. One time he sees her kissing Carl. I think he just leaves that time. The next time he sees her he's giving Kristen a ride home the next night. That's what happens. He's giving Kristen a ride home the next night and he sees that Ginger has like a suitcase or an overnight bag and she's leaving with Carl. Now he didn't know she's going to San Francisco.
Speaker 1:Carl is taking her to the airport so she can go visit her mom. But he sees he just assumes they're going on a trip so he to take kristen out for dinner. And you know she's all game. And I'm thinking to myself I don't know if kenny has a heck of bread for a type of for a woman like kristen. He doesn't seem like he's financially stable enough to support her the way she's going to want to be kept. This is kristen for crying out loud. You know how awkward that's going to be at thanksgiving if she brings home like a local yokel with a regular job. She can't do that.
Speaker 1:Anyway, it is decided over dinner that Kenny and Kirsten are very, very attracted to one another. So attracted to one another in fact, that he's going to take her home back to Gary in Valene's. But then he decides uh no, I don't think I will. Why don't we go to my old house? This is where the level of triflingness is is bumped expeditiously, or at least on his part. We already know Kristen did this to her sister's husband. There is very little she won't do. I can't even think outside of betraying your mom with like a stepdad. I can't imagine who else you could hurt any closer to you. Kenny, on the other hand, is just like I'm just going to be dumb, and you know, let's see what happens. So he goes into the house but, unbeknownst to him, as Carl's MO is, he's not really planning on taking Ginger to the airport. He's planning on keeping her there all weekend so they can continue to have a wonderful time together. Sure enough, at the end of his date, carl comes to drop her back off at her house.
Speaker 1:Ginger is once again blindsided by walking into something that is 100% her business. She's just walking into her own house. She's going to get in the bed so she can get up and have breakfast with this man the next day. When she sees Kenny and Kristen on her living room floor, I'll be damned. Needless to say, that doesn't go over well.
Speaker 1:Kristen goes running back to Valene's house, burst through the door, saw later whatnot. Kenny comes in after Ginger comes in after them, which is not logistically correct because Ginger was one who stormed out of her own house. So it seems like if anybody was making, kenny comes in after Ginger comes in after them, which is not logistically correct because Ginger was one who stormed out of her own house. So it seems like if anybody was making chase, it would have been Kenny and Kristen. But somehow Kristen manages to be her to Valene's house. Now that is what it is. But once inside it is very clear that Kristen needs to get gone with the quickness. It's embarrassing, it's devastating and it puts Valene in a very uncomfortable position, nevermind the fact that she's in her pajamas, but I guess she's probably not easily embarrassed after Gary went on that bender. Everybody's seen the worst of their other spouses, so no big deal.
Speaker 1:By the end of the episode, while Kenny is in the studio listening to Sylvie, who has a surprisingly good voice, he is suddenly unceremoniously handed divorce papers. Now the way the guy words it. He says your wife is suing you for divorce. I don't know if that's the terminology that people use now, but he's being sued for divorce and he's shocked, shocked. I'm like sir, sir, at what point do you stop? Kenny, kenny, kenny, kenny, kenny, kenny. What's going on with you, man? What's, what's your problem? Why can't you keep it in your pants? You went out of your way to be an ass this episode. You went out of your way to make this difficult for you, and then you have the audacity to be shocked. Now Sylvie kind of knows that something is popping too, but I decided to look into her a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Sylvie mind you, for all of you newer people is the girl that he's having an affair with, with Ginger, and there's a couple episodes where she's singing and she does not sound good. But on this episode she's on her. She sounds like Ariel from the Little Mermaid, a little very Broadway, rich voice, and so I thought let me look this girl up. She, maybe she, maybe she hit. She had a hit record. Maybe she was an up-and-coming singer at the time. I don't know. Let me look at my notes. So her name is. She goes by several different names, but Stevie Louise Van Stevie Louise Valance, stephanie Louise Valance. She goes by a few different names, but at the time time of that recording that's who she was. It would have been 1980. I thought maybe she had a singing career that's really what I was expecting, or at least on Broadway. But no, she has hundreds of credit.
Speaker 1:Voiceover actress. I think she does a little producing, a little singing, obviously. But let me tell you who she is. Is this a coincidence, or is this a small world? We're gonna call her stevie for the sake of it, just to keep it clear. Stevie louise valence was in it was on nos landing as sylvie.
Speaker 1:Circa 1982 she was in a film called falcons gold. I like a falcon, something for sure. This is 1982, 1982. She plays Tracey Falcon and none other than Simon McCorkindale, aka the Manimal, is in that. Now, is that a coincidence or not? This dude stars in Falcon Gold, gets his own spinoff, the Manimal, and then goes back to Falcon. Falcon's Gold is apparently like a low budget Indiana Jones, as far as I can tell. But it doesn't stop there.
Speaker 1:Circa 1986, she starts on this show called Popples, which if you look it up it looks like some sort of Muppet. I think our friends in the North, our Canadian friends, are going to know what that is a little bit more Kind of reminds me like a Fraggle Rock from back in the day. Most importantly, her most amazing credit I really hear her name is princess summer fall, winter spring on the holiday duty show 1986. Either way it goes, she started getting that good cartoon voiceover money after that. One of her latest accolades is she is the voice of the share bear. The share bear a bear helped raise me, damn it. I guess the share bear, the share bear, the bear helped raise me, damn it. I guess the share bear is probably one of the best names possible, considering she will be sharing this man if she so continues to have an affair with him or have a relationship with him in any way Just can't seem to get it together. It's almost it's impulsive. He reminds me a little bit of Abby, where I think they just like the attention and once you get the attention it's like oh, it's a power thing, I can hold your gaze for this long, but ultimately this guy is going to lose all the women in his life apparently Seems like that way. I don't see Sylvie sticking around much longer, especially since she's got Care Bear, manimal Money and a whole Muppet series coming up. Doesn't seem like she's sticking around much longer, especially since she's got Care Bear, manimal Money and a whole Muppet series coming up. Doesn't seem like she's sticking around. I don't see how she could be this sultry siren one day and then she's gonna go hang up her stilettos and go make kid voices for 14 hours a day. I don't know Many people do it, I'm sure of it.
Speaker 1:Valaine and Kristen have a heart to heart upstairs with. Kristen finally confesses that she is indeed pregnant. She doesn't say by who, she just says that she cared for the man. She knows who it is, she cares for him and, uh yeah, she's kind of on her own. So her whole plan was to come out to LA. That part I'm sure it was not her plan. I thought JR put her up in an apartment, but apparently he just puts her up in a fancy hotel. She thought she'd hook a guy pretty early a wealthy guy or just a decent guy, that way she could have the baby and he would believe it was his, because nobody and I do mean nobody was doing paternity tests circa 1980. Mama's baby daddy's definitely.
Speaker 1:Maybe Val understands what it feels like to be young, pregnant, vulnerable and not have the stability of a solid family and a man who will care for you. And she tries to portray that, to explain that to Gary a little later on. And he's still like she's trifling. I'm trying to tell you. Eventually they clink, clink glasses over breakfast. Cheers to the misfits, if you will. Now Gary's looking all upside her head because he's like you may have that lean fool, but you can't fool me. I'm a Ewing. I know something. I know something went down in Texas that you're not seeing. She don't want to talk about it. I wonder if that's it. That's all for bad girl Kristen. I mean, eventually she's gonna have this kid, he's gonna pop up. Clearly he could walk back on, he or she could walk back onto the, the Ewing ranch, and nobody would be any the wiser because Ray was living right up under their nose looking exactly like Jock, and nobody clocked that that was his son.
Speaker 1:As for any good soap opera. It's always wonderful to have a relative go away because who knows what life they live. They could come back with 18 different people. Maybe she's going to piss off somebody. Maybe she's going to marry a prince. Who knows? Her swagger is so undeniable. She played that part to a T.
Speaker 1:And speaking of T's, gary likes an itty bitty, weeny, ribbed yellow Kmart skin tight extra medium shirt. But why are all of Gary's clothes form fitting Gary's body? Not being a pervert here? I just noticed he reminds me a little bit of Bruce Lee, like the way he would bow his back. He reminds me a little bit of bruce lee, like the way he would bow his back. He reminds me of that. So I'm wondering if this guy did a bunch of martial arts to keep himself. He's like long and lean and baby. He's like make sure my sleep, y'all don't see these pythons. Make sure my shirt's tight at the cuff, probably squeezing into valine stuff. Like gary, I can see your hips, thighs and thoughts in that outfit. You thought now that he's good and sober, you want to make sure everybody can see how fine he is at all times. I see you, gary, whatever it's just I have noticed that his wardrobe is very, very tight and no one else's is, not even the ladies.
Speaker 1:Is there anything else I want to talk to? How do you move in and out of the bad girls club? I think Sylvie is probably on her way. She's a solid bad girl because she made a conscious choice to seduce this man and she's willing to kind of go above and beyond to keep him. However, one of the fatal mistakes that all the bad girls make is that they get a little bit too attached.
Speaker 1:Alexis is probably the best teacher thus far. She seemed to be attached to Cecil, but that's it. I don't know. Oh, I forgot about her and Dexter. I can't wait to see how she hooks up with him or how that's they're going to hook up. They have to. I know they are.
Speaker 1:He is too intense. They they've kissed twice. Kind of a dead giveaway. Can only string a guy along for so long on tv before something happens. But as far as Henny goes, I I smell a spiral. That's what I'm thinking. He doesn't have a solid roof over his head. Sylvie's getting on his nerves, probably gonna start sleeping at the studio. Time will tell. It is fun to see him a little bit more in the show. Not a lot of depth to him, but it's still early. All right, guys, that's it. That's all.
Speaker 1:Join me next time for another episode of Not Slanding. It'll be season two, episode six. Don't know the name of it. We will find out together In the meantime. In between time, if you get an early morning call from your sister's mom's sister, keep her trifling by where she is, do not bring her into your house. She's going to eat your food, sleep with your best friend's husband. Short circuit your dryer, probably leave wet towels all over the place. She looks like the type Stay moisturized, stay hydrated, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Thank you.