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Soaplore
Ever wondered what you missed out on before the golden age of streaming? Welcome to Soaplore, the podcast where we dive headfirst into the wonderfully over-the-top world of vintage soap operas from the 80s and 90s. I’m Jett, a TV-loving Millennial who’s finally escaping the monotony of modern shows and embracing the drama, the shoulder pads, and the catfights of yesteryear.
Join me as I experience the soapy sagas of "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Falcon Crest," and "Knots Landing" for the first time, episode by episode. With over 200 shows, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and we’ll probably question our life choices—just like the characters do, but with slightly less fabulous wardrobes.
Whether you’re a Xillenial who grew up with these iconic series, a Millennial like me who missed out the first time around, or a new fan discovering the glorious chaos of primetime soaps, "Soaplore" is your time machine to the melodramatic past. Tune in, relive the magic, and let’s marvel together at how people ever survived without binge-watching.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong, because, trust me, you’ll need it. This isn’t just nostalgia; this is Soaplore—where every episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, and nothing is ever as it seems.
Soaplore
S2 EP6 Knots Landing - Step One: The "BaBy Blue Shorts, Teens in Jeans, & A Talking Puppet Scene" Episode
What happens when you mix 1980s fashion, unexpected sex symbols, and teenage drama? Brace yourselves for an engaging episode of SoapLore! We start by dissecting the intricate layers of Knots Landing's second season, episode six, "Step One." While I initially watched the wrong episode, I quickly regrouped to bring you the rich, mature themes that define this beloved primetime soap opera. With a special nod to a fan who provided character age details, we navigate the often confusing world of 1980s fashion and styling, making it easier to understand the cast's true roles.
Did you know that men's shorts have a fascinating history all their own? Inspired by Gary Ewing's unforgettable baby blue shorts, we take a time-traveling journey through the evolution of men's beachwear from the conservative 1950s to the liberating styles of the 70s and 80s, and right up to the baggy trends of the 2000s. It’s a fun look at how societal standards have shifted over the years, all through the lens of TV's unexpected sex symbols and paternal portrayals.
Next, we hit the gym—metaphorically speaking—to reminisce about the workout craze of the late 70s and 80s. From iconic workout tapes to the vibrant social fitness culture, this era was a unique blend of fun and fitness. The narrative then shifts to the trials and tribulations of Abby and Diana, focusing on the pressures and expectations of teenage life. We wrap things up with a show-stealing ventriloquist who brought unexpected joy to the screen, leaving us with a mix of nostalgia, humor, and heartfelt moments. So grab your favorite drink and get ready for an episode packed with drama, history, and wholesome family dynamics!
Nobody at any point during this episode. During all the jazzercising and pipe fixing and beer drinking and whatever nobody mentioned, they were going to be dressed like mimes. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to SoFour, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. Place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jett, viewing and reviewing one of the sopiest, suzziest, albeit uncomfortable, storylines of 1980. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, get back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. Tell they no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Everyone else on e air shot cool, quiet or kicked out. Those are your only options. Choose wisely. We are watching our stories. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soap Roar. What's up party people? Welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Soap Roar. I hope your day is shaping up well. Mine seems pretty good, so, coming off of a long trip. So it feels good to be home. It feels good to be back in the saddle. We're not jumping on any saddles today. We are on the West Coast doing the absolute most on a very sexy episode of Knot's Landing, season 2, episode 6. Now, I accidentally did a thing. I'm sitting down to watch Knott's Landing and I'm probably about 10 to 15 minutes into the show before I start to think wait, what are they talking about? What is this? I accidentally skipped over episode six, which is called first. Is it first step or the step? That's exactly what happened. It's called step one, season two, episode six, step one. I was about 10 to 15 minutes in it. They're saying things that I'm like wait, what happened? But then also I realized that I didn't catch the name of it. So I go back to look. Sure enough, I had started watching episode seven. Don't matter, it's really good too. This one, this is soapy. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:When I think of primetime soap operas back in the day. I'm thinking of these juicy, super lathery, bubbly storylines that keep you hooked. I'm also realizing a lot more about myself as I watch this. I am the problem here. I'm also realizing a lot more about myself as I watch this. I am the problem here. It really is me.
Speaker 1:I still, even after two years, after over a hundred episodes of primetime vintage soap operas, I still believe this to be the age of innocence for some reason, I don't know why. I can't quite shake that. I think anytime I see people in sort of 60s and 70s clothing, I expect it to be rated G by and large. I know they're going to hint at certain things. I know they're going to allow the audience to assume that sex and other activities are happening. I hope the kids are outside this episode. Heavy emphasis on playing outside or out of sight. So when a storyline comes along or a scene pops up and I'm like, oh my God, I'm clutching my pearls, this felt like a little bit like Cinemax, maybe not that bad, but baby, we got something to talk about this episode. So pour yourself up something delightful.
Speaker 1:Kick back as we jump into season two, episode six knots landing step one. I just said that I was a problem, and I think a lot of it besides, it being the age of innocent in my mind, which I should definitely know better, at least by now. These people I can't quite place their age. As I'm watching this I mentioned this a few episodes back when people button up their shirts, everybody's wearing professional clothing all day. I don't know who I'm looking at. I don't know if this is a grandma or what Some of the people who are young.
Speaker 1:Richard on the last episode said he was 37. Baby, that's a hard 37. And it's not just the balding, it's the whole persona. I don't know how old. I would have put him 37. I was shocked. I thought that's awfully young. And then other people I just couldn't quite place them Valene, doing the Dallas math. She was about 15 when she met Gary and got pregnant. I'm assuming she had Lucy around 16. Lucy's 18. So that puts her early 30s, 34-ish, something like that, depending on if she puts her at early 30s, 34-ish, something like that, depending on if she had her at 15 or 16. Still don't have a lot of clarity on that. Everybody acts like that was super normal, but I'm thinking she's early 30s. She and Lucy are not that far apart in age, or so I thought. Shout out to okay, this is just.
Speaker 1:This is a comment versus fan mail. We'll get to fan mail here in a second, but it is k-i-p-p and we'll just leave the rest of it out. Thank you so much for the information. They were kind enough to break down the ages of everyone, so they had fairgate played by don murray, born 1929. Sadly, we lost him this year in 2024. Rest in in peace, don Murray. He was born in 1929. So Abby, played by Donna Mills, was born in 1940.
Speaker 1:That one shocked the crap out of me because I didn't even clock her when she showed up on screen because she seemed very, very youthful I'm thinking 23 and I'm like that doesn't make sense with the kid she has in this marriage like she would have. They're treating her very much like an adult and I think if a 23 year old divorcee showed up on your door you would definitely have a different approach to her. But it makes sense. This is in 1980 or 19, says she's late 30s, turning 40 by the time the show aired. She does not look it. Keep that in mind because there's a line, this episode, and I'm like no, what are y'all trying to prove? Maybe it's not me being confused, maybe you are confusing, not slanding.
Speaker 1:Karen fairgate, played by michelle lee, was born in 1942, making her about 38 at the age the start of this episode. Joan van ark, valine, thealia, onion Queen, born circa 1943. And then Gary, played by Ted Shacklethorpe, was born in 1946. So we're ranging in ages of what, god, my instant math is not good. That's like 34 to like 50. Interesting, would I have guessed that by looking at them? Not really. I don't even think I noticed that Sid was, quote unquote, older, significantly older than Karen. Doesn't seem like it. Everybody seems like they're about in the same range and, honestly, god, once you're older and married, it really doesn't matter. It really after about 25, doesn't really matter if you marry someone 10 years older, no big deal. So thank you for that information. I truly appreciate that. Will it help me keep everyone's name straight? Maybe Do they still look questionably ageless or overaged A little bit? That's irrelevant. So Amy from Arkansas writes love the show.
Speaker 1:I did not watch this in real time, but I am reliving it. Today I'm also watching on Amazon Prime. Yeah, me too. She's talking about dynasty. I think she wants to know what is the country is thing you ever seen or a country activity you didn't realize was too country. You mentioned the rattlesnake pageant and you call Valene the Vidalia Onion Queen. What other sort of country type things do you remember growing up or in present time? Thank you, amy.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing about that you grow up and everything is normal. Even if it's weird, it's still pretty normal and I think country activities such as a rattlesnake pageant and calling this woman a vanilla onion queen is it's kind of it's just relative. So I didn't know that things were reared in country until I saw someone who was not from the area. So I have family, a lot of my family lives in Texas, east Texas, mostly North Texas, and when you come from places like that, like Houston, north Texas, specifically where Dallas is, and like a Houston, those people always seem so metropolitan even though they were in Texas so they didn't come off as country to me. And when my cousins from the north, like Colorado and Michigan, would come into town they thought everything was country, so it's sort of relative. But I will say they thought everything was country so it's sort of relative. But I will say because this woman's from Arkansas, that's why I think Amy, I understand exactly what she means. Like sometimes you show up somewhere you're like dang, I feel real country meaning. Like you feel like kind of fished out of water situation.
Speaker 1:One of the things growing up that I thought was very, very country from, like old people, was that they really would drink out of jars. They would save jars and drink out of them. I don't know if that was just kind of from that generation where they were just a little bit more savvy. They had to save things, but drinking out of a jar was very common and now people do that all the time with their smoothies and stuff. We were pulled out of class to learn how to square dance. I thought that was weird, but that seems just extra, extra country.
Speaker 1:Some of the things I noticed is that if people be like you, look nice, you could wear jeans to anything. So long as you have a belt on, I think that might be pretty country. Also, if you're wearing a button down shirt, you were dressed up. That is very country, I'm sorry. Okay, it's coming into place. I hear you, amy, of course. The barefoot thing people walking around barefoot eating pickled you name it seems to be very country. People don't do that in a lot of places, but a lot of the foods and kind of drinking out of jars and having barn doors and things like that have suddenly become in vogue. It's very chic in a lot of places to decorate your house like that. When I'm thinking like this looks like my great grandmother's back porch. Oh, speaking of back porches, having an extra refrigerator on your back porch, most people have it in their garage. Now I think people might do that all over the country.
Speaker 1:Hit me up in the fan mail, let me know. Leave a comment wherever you're listening to this, leave a review. Let me know if that is country to you or if it's not Definitely putting like a washer and dryer on the back porch. I remember I had a friend when I was little. We're still friends to this day, but I can tell that we descended from country people who, if you just wanted to build an extra room in your house, you just closed in the back porch, and I do mean literally every house I would go in. Everybody's grandparents were alive back then, these probably great grandparents. There was these huge quilts. It was always a little bit hot because old people in the country and in the south don't believe in running the ac like when there's a storm and stuff. That's very country. But yeah, the back room would always be a little bit wobbly because it's just built on a porch. Yeah, that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:But now you have me thinking I have to really pay attention because I don't realize something is until I compare it to the masses somewhere else. But thank you so much for the question. We're going to go ahead and jump into this episode. Remember you can leave me a comment concern question on the fan mail. If you are listening to this on your phone, I'd love to hear from you. Let's jump into this scandalous, scandalous Sophie episode.
Speaker 1:Last thing, on the country. I just thought about this. My cousins from up north were always a little bit disappointed that they didn't see more people in like riding horses. But I literally saw people riding horses every other day, not necessarily to the grocery store, that would be weird. But up and down the main street it's pretty normal. Just if I see someone on the side of the road riding their horse around, I don't even think twice about it. But enough of that y'all. We're not in the country today. We're on the West Coast doing the absolute most on this exciting, fun-filled, sexy episode of Not Landing.
Speaker 1:I like to go ahead and get the fluff out of the way. I love the way they stack these shows. I was able to watch 10 to 15 minutes of the next episode because Although it is a serial series, it's not necessarily every episode could kind of stand alone and you'd still you'd be fine. They always throw in a little kind of throwaway scene. Actually, I shouldn't call it a throwaway scene. It feels like more of a seed. Let's go ahead and plant this seed so that it's in the audience's mind, so when it pops up later it'll really bring the heat like we need it to do.
Speaker 1:Among the many, many topics we're going to discuss today, not limited to day drinking debauchery why hot booze, hot tubs and hot temperatures do not mix well the short, short, short length phenomenon that was a mouthful. This is the discussion of the slow demise of visible man thighs. Boomer teenage tantrums Something I've never seen but we need to discuss. I have a theory here, blast from the past for millennials. It's the out-home workout craze. We got to talk about it. When is it okay to be a stage mom? And last but not least, the backstage upstaging. That is when the side chick and side character steal the show. This and many more things on this episode Right off the bat.
Speaker 1:The throwaway scene of this episode in particular is Gary Ewing Not in a negative way. He showed out last episode sniffing out bad girl Kristen. He knows something is up. I love how messy he is getting on the phone being a gossipy old lady, and Bobby didn't know what was going on. That another thing. Bobby's age is very ambiguous to me. So is Pam's. They're supposed to be early 20s. They don't really look like it. To me seems like everybody's around 34 35. It's topic for another day. Gary Ewing or Ted Shackelford wants us to know that he is fine, fine, okay, he is sexy. He is clearly the sex symbol. On this episode. I get the feeling he and kenny kind of go tit for tat, tat for tit. Kenny's a playboy, but gary's like you're gonna look at my body though. I'm going to paint on an outfit. Only on this episode he, he ain't wearing no outfit. He is summertime fine all years long.
Speaker 1:17 minutes into the show and I have seen no less than five pairs of thighs, one of which belongs to the like of the throwaway kid himself, gary Ewing. He is in the tiniest, teeniest baby bluest booty shorts I've seen on television. Booty shorts, not boxers. There is no opening flap. This is where that age of innocent thing comes in now.
Speaker 1:Shorts, by and large, are not inherently sexy. They are simply clothing that makes sense for the temperature of the time or sometimes they're just comfortable. But his are the daisiest of dukes, the coochiest of cutters. They are short, short, and I had to watch the scene twice. I'm not developing a Lorenzo Llamas aka Lance Cumson type crush or anything, but it was very distracting because all I see is his thighs and I'm like, oh my god, he's gonna spill all these shorts. He and Valene are in bed and they're having.
Speaker 1:I don't know what they're talking about. All I know is that he is showing off every muscle and ripple in his body and I'm like, did he really have to be half naked? Any other time you see a man on television, especially someone's father, they're running out of the house in a row, not him. He wants y'all to know that he is summertime, fine, prime and ready. He works out, he's toned, he's taught. You're going to look at him. So I got to see Gary's thighs 17 minutes in kind of set the tone for the show. Seeing his thighs did make me kind of think to myself where does this come from? Where do the short shorts, or when, rather, do the short shorts appear? I can remember seeing several different movies where the guys are playing basketball and their shorts are shorter than Gary's not as tight, but they're short.
Speaker 1:So I did a little digging, because inquiring minds want to know. My mind, in particular, wanted to know about the introduction of spandex, which will come up a little bit later, seems like an off, I don't know. Seems kind of like a calculated move to like say let's not only wear them short, let's make them shiny. So I went back and the history of men's shorts, according to me, is in the 50s they were sort of mid thigh, slightly above the knees. Then in the 70s and 80s they were short. Not only short, but they were tight. That's exactly what Gary's are. They don't look bad or anything.
Speaker 1:It's just jarring for my mind, especially in the decades I grew up in, to see that in the 70s they wouldn't have short and tight, they could be shimmery, they could be shiny, kind of disco era, if you will, preferably spandex, nylon. If you got it, I'll settle for cotton. So in the 90s, that's where we hit that kind of at or below the knee. That's what I remembered, especially if you're an 80s baby, 90s kid. It's like the oversized clothes was huge at the beginning of the this, the decade, and then it evolved into like board shorts in the early 2000s. But we'll see where it falls.
Speaker 1:And I'm just thinking, okay, I think of like the censorship, think of what was deemed appropriate in the 40s, 50s, 30s. Where are these men in these shorts are coming from? So I went back and I did a little more digging. I said you know what? Show me pictures of people at the beach circa 1911. Baby, people were ready to survive. They didn't have time to cut a perfectly good pair of very used pants into some shorts. We're gonna just roll these here bridges up and then we're gonna climb in this water. We're gonna have us a good time, or you get all the way naked in your long johns or whatever. That's what you swim in. You swim in that, you like it, you love it, you mind your business.
Speaker 1:1925 very little had changed. Only men are now wearing this sort of leotard. Think of AC Slater on Saved by the Bell. That whole wrestling uniform I don't know if wrestlers still wear that. I would imagine it's very practical, for that I put in 1935. Now, by this point, the women folk are starting to wear their stuff too. They're basically wearing a tankini top and like briefs on the bottom.
Speaker 1:Circa 1945, everybody said enough of this modesty, crap, we're at the beach, it is a thousand degrees, we're here to swim. Even the dudes were like you know what enough of this. Nipples out bro and nary. A shirt was ever seen again on a well-built man at the beach, or a poorly built one for that matter, it don't matter. Men will walk around and wear whatever they want. Chest naked. It's a beautiful thing. But I just thought that's so weird because you think of, like the modesty standards for for ladies is obviously different. I don't really think about men in shorts, but these were the tiniest of tiny and he was in good company. Baby, this is 70s, 80s. Let the man thigh fly. The pendulum always swings back the other way, doesn't it? Let's go back. Starting in the 90s are like you know what? Those fools at the beach who just rolled up their pants they had it right. Only we're not about all that extra work. Just cut them. Give me spongebob, square jorts and I am happy. As a clam said, every 90s person ever.
Speaker 1:You imagine going swimming circa 1920 and you're like swimming in your drawers. You're on your long johns, you get out of the water, you're 57 pounds heavier because you're out here in wool drawers trying to survive, trying to be modest, and they're like god dog, it is hot. It's too much. This is too much for the thing I'm trying. I'm trying to have a pleasurable experience. Sometimes you just put on too many layers. You gotta strip them down. But are we not all from time to time weighed down with the fabric of expectations, disappointments, loneliness? Such is a case on this episode. This is a minor class in touching base with yourself, understanding your flaws and moving through them.
Speaker 1:The show opens up at Abby's's house. They are doing this indoor workout they being karen, abby and val in a move I've never seen before in my life. These women are in full leotard. You know they have on the whole barbie workout outfit leotard pantyhose. Leg warmers. Well, no, no leg warmers, because they're going to show you their gams, their gams, all their stems. Karen and Val start doing this booty scoot across the floor. I have never seen this in all of my life. Imagine sitting on the floor, legs stretched out in front of you, arms stretched over the legs, so that you kind of look like a, like a zombie in an old film, but you're in your butt. They then use the tautness and firmness and dexterity in their butt cheeks to scooch forward across the floor in this weird sort of ass shimmy, for lack of a better term. I ain't never seen this in my life.
Speaker 1:Abby's thinking the exact same thing. Enough is enough. They are basically smearing butt sweat across her carpet. She's not really into it, but the ladies are trying. They're working out hard because there is a talent show or a fundraiser coming up. You know, fundraiser is Karen's middle name. She's going to make sure she's going to be the talk of the town and she's going to do it side by side with her daughter. Now she has this perfect shimmy little dance that she did back in her day back in her high school days or college days, it's not totally clear and it brought the house down and she gets to relive this moment with her precious, precious daughter. Although we all know Diane is a humongous pain in the butt, not my favorite person on the show, but I know she's necessary and I know I will grow to love her. I can tell I'm gonna really like her eventually. But in the meantime, in between time, diane's little mouth is quite slick.
Speaker 1:So as they're working out, they decide it's time to flip over onto their backs, hoisting their booties up in the air, while doing like this invisible bicycle motion with their legs and having a full conversation. First and foremost, I bow down because y'all's cardio is on point. They're delivering lines. Nobody's breaking a sweat. It's weird, but they're doing their own thing in the privacy of their own home.
Speaker 1:I was immediately struck with nostalgia about the workout craze as I was a kid. Now I believe the workout craze was probably a little heavier in the 80s. I don't really know when it exploded I'm assuming late 70s or whatever. Do you remember workout tapes? Workout DVDs were all the rage. Remember buns of steals that's the workout they were doing on Clueless when Cher was trying to get Ty in shape after her makeover. Buns of steel, sweating to the oldies, tybo Gosh. Remember when the Pilates things came out? You could order them on DVD. It was all the rage. I just had like this moment where I remembered that sweating to the oldies commercial Also. Rest in peace, richard Simmons. I'm like what's going on?
Speaker 1:I was worried about Richard. I haven't seen Richard in years. Apparently, he's been in the house answering emails, making phone calls all this time being to it. In years, apparently, he's been in the house answering emails, making phone calls, all this time being a good Samaritan but doing it from the privacy of his own home. I remember those sweating to the oldies like they were going out of style. My mama had every tape and loved them anyway. That's neither here nor there, but it's just so funny to me when I think of LA, I do think of people being in shape, but I think about the gyms. But there was a time where people worked out vigorously in their front room or in their living room with other friends. How fun is that.
Speaker 1:We learned a few other things besides the fact that the talent show is coming up. Richard is popping in. He is not stumbling into his Mr Mom-ness as he should, because he's a chauvinist, but he is making it do what it do. He comes over to borrow Bailey so he can make a proper plate of pork and beans and hot dogs, I think chopped up in it. Beanie weenies is what we used to call them, but he calls it something fancy and Abby's just kind of sniggling and giggling at everything he says.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking to myself she just doesn't want to work out with these women anymore. As Valene and Karen are booty, scooting across the floor and windmilling wildly in the air with their legs, they make a comment about Abby not needing to work out because she has such gorgeous gams, such beautiful legs and stems. Karen goes well, just wait till she's 40, but then, with the information I just told you that, like she is almost 40, what are you talking about? So that's that's the thing. That's why I'm confused too. Is she supposed to be younger? Because she looks a lot younger, like early 20s to me. But she's clearly the sex symbol on the show too. But these women are showing all sorts of legs and thighs all episode long.
Speaker 1:I may not know how old Abby is, but I do know that Diana is a young, impressionable, albeit pain-in-the-butt teenager, and she and her little friends are at that age where it's time to start. What's the word Perhaps? It's always there, especially in girl groups. There's always sort of this Well, I don't even say girl groups. When you were a kid, you sort of compare your milestones to your friend's milestones. Now, this continues for most of your life, as far as I can tell. But there's something about being on the same page with your friends as a youth that is of the utmost importance, even more so to a teenage girl. So Diana and her friends are chatter, chatter, chittering. They're enjoying the Southern California life. It's beach days, it's high school, everything's going well. Diana's even dating a boy in the band, not the one who dressed up like his. It's a totally different kid. That was the main singer. She's moved on to the drummer Now.
Speaker 1:While this entire episode does revolve around this fundraiser slash talent show that is at the center of the episode, it also is about sex. In the case of young, impressionable Diana, she feels like it's about that time. She's been dating Bobby Little Drummer Boy for a little minute now and her friends and her are sitting around the lunch table. Now, as I'm watching this, I said I'll be damned. Is that Helen Hunt? Helen Hunt as a youth Now, again based on her outfit? I don't know what's wrong with me. She looks 12 to me, but it's obviously because I've seen her as an adult her entire life. This is my first time noticing her as a child. Helen hunt is one of her home girls and they're all lying. It's very obvious to me as an adult. They're all lying about how they get it down. Yeah, it goes down in the bedroom. Well, diana has not yet crossed that threshold, so she decides. You know what it's about.
Speaker 1:That time, as diane and her friends are gassing each other up about the joys of womanhood and the male's ability to snip out experience on the girl, her little boyfriend comes over and lets her know that his parents are going to be out of town. Now this is in front of her friends. So she goes ahead and she's like you know what? Screw the basketball game, no pun intended. Let's just go your house. Your parents are going to be out of town. Let's, let's make a thing of it. Everyone knows what that means. And this is where girl code kicks in. Her friends start looking to and from each other looking at her, and they're like D are you sure you want to do this? I don't think you want to do this. So I think one of her friends really has gone all.
Speaker 1:I feel so weird talking about teenage sex. It's so weird, even though these people are definitely older than me in real life. It just feels weird. But her friend is. They're slowly cautioning her about jumping into it, but they also have to keep up this facade. So she's asking me you know how is it? Oh, it was wonderful. It was like, uh, like, painting a picture. Girl, he's somewhere, sit down, go play with your dolls. Little girl doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:On the night of said basketball game, she does indeed go over to little drummer boy's house and whatever happens happens. He drives her home. She is just sort of in that, that state of wait. A minute, I thought I'd feel like this woman. She expected to have the full Judy Blume experience. She thought there'd be waves crashing and she'd blossom with this knowing, wisdom and maturity and just sort of sex appeal. And all she feels like is a fumbling, fumbling little girl after the fact, and she wants to talk to her mom about it.
Speaker 1:Karen is preoccupied, not in a way that she's ignoring her, she's just sort of half listening in the way that mothers do. So listen, you got to do it. You know what I'm saying. You have to do it. When a hundred people are talking to you, you have to be selective with your energy, and all of Karen's energy is about getting these costumes correct, getting her body right and tight for the show, for for the number, making sure Diana is on point, because it's very clear who the Diana Ross of this family is. Diana is no Diana Ross, okay, she is in the background. She ain't Beyonce, she's not at the forefront. Karen is the star of the show and she'll be damned if her daughter's gonna tippity-tap-tans on stage and embarrass her. You better get in here in 5, 6, 7, 8 for a Joe Jackson, you little girl. But she's in her laser-like focus to get the job done, to make the costumes, to feed the rest of the family, to be a mother to her boys, be a mother to Diana. She's missing the clues. Diana's not heavily saying it, she's just like Mom, what about this, what about that? She's dropping little clues. But Diane I mean Karen is not picking up on it because she is a little bit preoccupied.
Speaker 1:Someone else who is surprisingly occupied is Sylvie. Sylvie is becoming. She's a little bit of a conundrum for me. I kind of have to feel like I have to respect her because she is the share bear from Care Bears. So I will always respect the cartoon bears that helped raise me, care Bears, so I will always respect the cartoon bears that helped raise me. But part of me just thinks to myself like Sylvie, you are walked into this situation eyes wide open and, from what I have gathered on this episode, kenny is still living with her.
Speaker 1:Kenny has never had any qualms about telling her exactly how into gender he still is. He's making every effort. Well, he's not making the right efforts, but understand that his focus is not solely on Sylvie. If he had to pick between the two. We already know who it's going to be. If Ginger wanted him back, he would have been back, but Sylvie is the only place he can stay right now. Plus, they're tied together in this music. They have this whole sort of union that Sylvie seems to be misunderstanding Not misunderstanding, she's walking into it blind. She feels like she can change the situation. Case in point it is very clear on this episode that Kenny has a big, big, big crush on Ginger. Whenever Sylvie sees Kenny on the phone or maybe he has to go over to Ginger's house or something Sylvie will quite literally sing her way into the situation. So he's on the phone. There's nothing she won't do to interrupt the two of them, at least until that cartoon money starts rolling in.
Speaker 1:Now Ginger calls up Kenny and she wants him to bring over some studio equipment for this whole fundraiser thing. After all, he is a producer, he obviously knows how to set it up. They're on the phone having this conversation, but I didn't get the details because the damn share bear comes into the room singing and I'm a woman in love. She's doing the most. She didn't know she wants to be on Broadway or wherever, and I'm like Sylvie shut that. I can't even hear this. I couldn't hear the conversation because Sylvie comes singing into the bedroom from the bathroom, all in Kenny's ear. Finally he hangs up. He's like damn Sylvie, what do you do that for? She's like you're supposed to be working with me. We have to. I'm number 30 on the charge. You're supposed to be working on this.
Speaker 1:So she has systematically found ways to occupy his time in a way that gender never could. Gender was cool with him having his own career. She had her own career, but him and sylvie don't. And he already knows better than anybody else at this point. The grass definitely ain't greener with the bootleg care bear singer. So while Diana is trying to be a woman, kenny is trying to satiate his side chick and win back his main woman.
Speaker 1:Richard is finding new ways to occupy his time, since he's no longer preoccupied with the hustle and bustle and the life draining grind of a nine to five. He has found new ways to make himself useful. Part of that is still giving Karen as much crap as possible about the job she tends to. Part of it is throwing nasty little insults to the rest of the women folk who are at home during the day with him, mind you. But most importantly, he has found a cape to throw on.
Speaker 1:He is now Abby's new hero. He's fixing tings around the house. He's got a leaky pipe. I can help with that. You need these boxes moved. I can help with that with that. Mind you, there was no boxes when they were booty scooting across the floor in Abby's living room, but I it doesn't really matter. The point is he has found comfort in Abby.
Speaker 1:Abby could be because she doesn't know him that well. Could be because she is a freshly divorced woman who needs help and although she has Sid and Karen and all her Karen's kids to help her out with her bad kids, it's nice to have the attention of a man. They are both giving each other what they want. Now, does she need that much help? Absolutely not, does rich. Is Richard that good at fixing pipes and such? Absolutely not. He has a bird chest. There's no way. He's good at lifting heavy things. Manual labor is not his jam, but they seem to be each other's jam. Keep that in mind. They're just kind of sprinkling in little moments together throughout the rest of the episode.
Speaker 1:Let's get back to Diana Now. Her friends told her at the beginning of the episode that a guy can kind of smell it on you, which seems a little bit inappropriate. He can kind of smell it when you become a woman. So the next day at the beach she is looking down and out and they're all kind of assuming, but no one can get her to admit one way or another that something did or did not happen. She, of course, throws off her little temper tantrum, she runs off so she can get a moment alone by herself at the beach you know how it is Just wants to breathe. Everything is going wrong.
Speaker 1:Well, here comes a charming young kid from indiana and he's all hi, hey, oh, shucks, sure it's nice to meet a friend. I'm all the way from indiana, as if it's like across the pond or something like oh hey, this is my first time seeing the ocean. He invites her to have beers and we learn that he's living out of his car. Well, a little later on I mean one could say he smelt it on her, as her friend said or is she just an attractive teenage girl? He's an attractive teenage boy. He's going to shoot his shot, especially after several beers. Well, they get to walking. She thinks he has a car and when they arrive at his automobile it's a van. He opens the door, door she can see that he's got his bed in there. She's like I thought you said you had a car.
Speaker 1:Why this is upsetting I kind of understand, but also I don't. What did you think you were going to do in the car? You're either going to leave or do something right. Either way, it's all too much, maybe reminds her of the night previous. She drunkly runs to her car, jumps in the back of that station wagon or in the front of the station wagon, drives home where her parents are pissed because all this time, when she was over there throwing a fit at the beach, meeting indiana and whatnot, karen and the rest of the gang were at the high school rehearsing for this benefit dance or this benefit talent show.
Speaker 1:Karen is really she's not trying to be a stage mom, but she is sort of reliving her glory days and vicariously living through Diana. Actually, she's not even vicariously living through her. I think Diana is her excuse to relive her glory days. Be that as it may, she notices pretty quickly that Diana hadn't showed up. She asks Bobby, the little drummer boy. Kenny is supposed to drop off some equipment, but he gets tied up at the studio, gender calls and cusses them out, sort of, and Karen is going off on somebody on the phone. But I couldn't tell you what happened because once again I was distracted on this episode. This time it wasn't by someone's thighs. There's like a ventriloquist in the background which we'll get to at the end of the show.
Speaker 1:So back to Diana. Diana pulls up in the driveway, sid and Karen are outside. Sid is allowing Karen to go off. They can tell immediately when she jumps out of the car that Diana is drunk. Diana, you're drunk. What are you doing? She's like it was only beer. It wasn't liquor Again, semantics, what's? I guess, in all fairness, beer, I don't know. It seems slightly less addictive. I don't really know. I don't understand the mechanics of that, but I get what she was saying. But at the end of the day, girl, you're drunk. Sid and Karen are pretty okay with her just going upstairs. She home, safe. I guess the worst part of it is over, plus, this show must go on.
Speaker 1:So the next morning Karen and Diana are downstairs rehearsing, but Diana is just so she's. She's really going through it. She really needs a hug, she probably needs a warm bath, she needs a good heart to heart. But she can't manage to tell this to to karen, and karen don't really care because I mean, we have a show to put on. She's still living through her daughter just a little bit. So let's get this moving, okay?
Speaker 1:So the night of the talent show slash benefit show and diana does arrive to the school in enough time to bump into Bobby, the little drummer boy, and you realize this is the first time that they've actually talked about that night. They're both confused and he, he finally just confesses he's like listen, I know I'm a drummer, I know I'm in the band, I know I live the life, but ultimately I don't know what I was doing. You're like you're the only girl that matters, I don't have groupies, this was. You're like you're the only girl that matters, I don't have groupies, this was. And she's relieved, like oh my God, I didn't know what I was doing either. It was just really awkward. And they want to work it out. Like you can tell for the first time that they really like each other, because when he was introduced at the beginning of the episode, he was just kind of telling her that his parents were going to be home. Now you see it, okay, we're two kids. You're just as confused as I am. That's a relief. So now that that bridge has been crossed, here comes Valene saying baby, you got to go in there and get dressed. Your mom is waiting for you. They finally have some privacy.
Speaker 1:Karen can't stand the tension. She's thinking it's about the girl being drunk. Diana can't stand the tension but she's not going to break. So finally, karen's like can we just please clear the air? Diane's mother I've been trying to talk to you for a while and you just you've just been ignoring me. I don't feel important to you. I needed to talk to you. Karen's like you know what I'm always pulled in 115 directions. Baby, you are important enough to me, pull me aside.
Speaker 1:The confession about the whole sex thing comes up. At first Karen didn't want to hear it. Then she realizes oh my God, I sound exactly like my mom. She backtracks and she explains to Diana baby, you weren't ready. I know it seems like the right thing to do to be neck and neck with your friends at all times. You all want to do the same thing, but your timing is not going to be their timing and you need to get used to things being in your time versus quote, unquote, the right time. I love that. It was a nice little after school moment. They're smiling at one another. Everything is really good.
Speaker 1:On the other side of this you have the whole Kenny and Ginger angle. She was upset that he didn't bring the equipment, but she's not really letting it bog down. Mind you, last episode she served him the divorce papers. So this is just another one, another tally on her mark of of the right thing. Like she knows she's making the right decision because he's he can't be trusted. Well, this is killing Kenny. So the next day he's sure enough he should or the same night of the benefit, he shows up just enough time to deliver the equipment and he's sort of the hero. Ginger is relieved like oh my god, kenny, thank you so much.
Speaker 1:But guess who's come slinking in, singing ass, sylvie. And I said my god girl, do you not have anything else to do? Shameless this woman. She comes slinking in, she's gonna make dang sure that they don't have any more, anything more. And I said my God girl, do you not have anything else to do? Shameless this woman. She comes slinking in, she's going to make dang sure that they don't have anything more than a couple of words, than 10.2 seconds of private time because she wants to be in there. She wants to remind him of why he left. Only what she's doing is really pushing him away. But who wants him at this point, right?
Speaker 1:So the show continues. Diana and uh, her mother have made up their thickest thieves. They're gonna go out here and kill it with her mother's rendition of a dance she did back in the day. Now, I forgot to mention this part when I was saying she was throwing a fit. The morning we were practicing after Diana came home drunk. Diana flips out on her mom, throws a boomer tantrum and she says god, you think this, the dance is so cool? What did you do it during the depression? And I have the nerve to get offended like how dare she? And I remembered she's older than me. But the point is, your mama dance is better than you and we finally get to see this. I was thinking about this the whole show in the back of my mind. I, I was like I bet Karen's going to kill it. She's way too. She is way too type A to be a background type dancer.
Speaker 1:So lights are up, the music starts and they're singing a rendition to put on a happy face. On a happy face y'all. Nobody at any point during this episode, during all the jazzercising and pipe fixing and beer drinking and whatever, nobody mentioned they were going to be dressed like mimes. Scared the hell out of me. They turn around, face painted like mimes and they're oh my God, it was incredibly disturbing Incredibly creeping. I'm not afraid of clowns, but give a girl a warning. Okay, give me a little bit of a heads up Now, although that was the last scene, it wasn't the best thing. Embrace yourself.
Speaker 1:Remember how I told you that richard is busying himself with tasks for abby, specifically and exclusively for abby fixing this, tending to her garden, blah, blah, blah. Well, they are big as thieves. They're giggling throughout the entire episode, so much so that one morning, when Richard is completely done doing all of his household chores, he heads on over to Abby's to take a dip in the pool. Now she and the kids are swimming and they're flirting the entire time. Abby's kids start asking adult questions like hey, rich, shouldn't you be at work, richard, where are your children? Where's Jason? Don't you have a Rich? Shouldn't you be at work, richard? Where are your children? Where's Jason? Don't you have a kid? Shouldn't you be with him? He blows him off. He makes little smart aleck remarks to the children about what he wants to do during the day. Blah, blah, blah. He and Abby are still cozying up. At this point I'm still thinking this is pretty much innocent, he's just bored. He has nothing else to do all day. Well, mistakes on me.
Speaker 1:That family pool party very quickly turned into a very private hot tub party. Now here's the thing. This is the part that behooves me. Not the fact that the children were invited, not the fact that Richard is wasting away the day when he needs to be at home cooking a pot roast or something. Because Karen, there I go again. Because Laura cooks him beef, wellington lamb chops the whole nine when she was a stay-at-home mother. Now that he's a stay-at-home mother, best he can do is beanie weenies. That's not the part that behooves me. It's the fact that these two grown, consenting adults are in a hot tub at high noon. Isn't that a recipe for a stroke? So they're sitting in the hot tub high noon. It's hot as hell. They're already sweating and they're drinking cheap champagne out of cheap plastic champagne flutes.
Speaker 1:Abby begins to make all these innuendos and I'm thinking to myself this seems a little bit intense, despite the fact that it's day on the show. I remembered this aired during prime time. I'm like, okay, cool, okay, let's see where this goes, y'all. It ends with him pouring champagne down her back and lapping it off. It felt very Cinemax-y. Every 90s kids knows exactly what happened on Cinemax. You're not supposed to watch it. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't, but it got extra greasy and I'm thinking, oh my god, abby and Richard.
Speaker 1:It shocks me because Kenny is kind of painted as a playboy. It's no secret that Kenny is bouncing around from woman to woman. Richard is the only person who's had two secret affairs on the show. Gary seems to be the sex symbol, sid seems to be the good guy. It surprises me that Richard is able to pull women. I just I really don't see it. He's got a very abrasive personality. He's funny, but he's not the funny that you want to hang out with. But for whatever reason, abby is quite satisfied with sleeping with this man who lives right next door to her in broad daylight that's the biggest part in a hot tub making a human soup. It's really disgusting that evening when they finally go to this benefit talent show while they're watching the creepy pantomime on stage or the tap dancing routine from Karen and Diane.
Speaker 1:In comes Laura, she's had a hard day of work. She still kind of got her mind on her money, her money, her mind. Her and Gary are very similar now that I think about it. They're both hyper fixated on expanding their careers and making money. But why wouldn't they be? They both kind of have something to prove, gary more so than her. But I guess when you're married to someone like Richard, you need to be the very best, just in case, because he's throwing shots all day at her no matter what she does.
Speaker 1:Laura comes in a little bit late because she's been at work or Richard is sitting, is already sitting there. Karen comes in, sits down. Abby comes in a little bit after her and she sits on the opposite side of Richard. Laura casually asks Richard, well, what did you do all day? He and Abby turn and stare at each other and give each other a knowing look and he goes oh, just a little rewiring. It's the nerve for me because, let's be honest, richard is he's Garg, richard is he's gargamel, he's gargamel, but he's pulling these baddies left and right. I hope this ends in divorce just because at this point, like he's, I love to hate him. I understand that he's going through some things, but this is taking the cake. I suppose isolation, a little bit of disappointment, will make you do crazy things, although I think he would have done it regardless.
Speaker 1:Before we get up out of here, I have to give a shout out to the extras doing the absolute most, or the background players upstaging the main characters. Sylvie is numero uno. She's coming out of shower singing. She's stealthily sneaking into high schools to sing Anytime. Kenny thought he was going to catch his breath. Sylvie came shalalala-ing back into the scene to make sure he knew where she was and that she knew where he was. This is a nightmare. This is single white female. This is basic instinct, all before any of those existed. Sylvie is a nightmare despite the soapy, suzzy storyline of this particular episode.
Speaker 1:I say the real star was extra number 13, the ventriloquist girl in the background dressed like Raggedy Ann, and she had Andy in her lap as the dummy. So she's a ventriloquist, he's a dummy. They were having a full-on conversation. When someone would walk by, the dummy's head would spin around and then he'd spin back and talk. I was completely enamored and entertained by this completely mute set of extras, one of them being made out of formica and wood. All right, guys, that's it. That's all. Join me next time so we jump into another debaucherous episode of North Landing. In the meantime, in between time, if you have a side show, please make sure she's going to try her best to upstage you every opportunity she gets. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your business and keep all of your drama on TV. Thank you.