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S4 EP19 Falcon Crest: Retribution:-The " Bedazzled & Bamboozled Blockbuster "Episode

• Jett Shae • Episode 279

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Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to Soap Floor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jet, viewing and reviewing the soapiest, sexiest primetime storylines of 1984, 85, something like that. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside, or, out of sight, tell babe no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25, 35, maybe even 45 minutes. Everyone else in earshot, cool, quiet or kicked out are your only options, because we are watching our story. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soap Floor. Hello, gorgeous, welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Soap Floor. I hope your day is bubbly, bright and doing just all right.

Speaker 1:

We're about to get into an iconic episode of Soap Floor, one of my favorites so far. I know it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without a soap review to step to, but you know what it has been an exciting and very, very, very busy month. I think I'm back on a regular recording schedule. I'm going to try to bang out as many as I can. I'm no longer as far in the future as I would going to try to bang out as many as I can. I'm no longer as far in the future as I would like to be, but that's all right because, guess what, this is a slow journey. If you're looking for the quick, fast thing, then go ahead and binge watch. Whatever you can, I get it. I'm going to have sort of taken my time through these because I think it's well. I just think it's one of those things that takes a little bit of time. Plus, oh, I thought about this after the last episode I watched of Nas Landing, which you know I had a lot of strong opinions about. I have had a little time to think about it. I have slept, I have pondered, I have thought. I have not researched, but I think I may. I'm not saying I jumped the gun, I'm not saying I'm fully wrong, but I definitely have a different point of view. We're going to talk about that on the next episode of Swift Floor, because not only did I watch Falcon Crest, I went ahead and watched Knot's Landing and I had me a just a really, really good time on both shows. So we'll get into that at a different point. But today I think we got ourselves a little a mini movie, a little blockbuster. I'm having a lot of thoughts about this episode, so go ahead and grab yourself something bubbly and bright as we jump into season four, episode 19 of Falcon Crest Retribution, retribution.

Speaker 1:

This episode felt a little bit more like a TV movie. I'm not going to say that Falcon Crest could or could not have been a blockbuster, because I feel like it could have been. I think it was trying its very best to give Indiana Jones a run for its money and it got really close, or so I thought the first time. Around the second time I'm like okay, relax, jet, maybe it's a made-for-TV movie, but trust me, that's not an insult. Back in my day, those made-for-TV movies were everything. Do y'all remember the one where Kevin Arnold hooked up with DJ Tanner? Only he turned out to be a super abusive boyfriend and then she goes, disappearing Phenomenal. I'm telling you what it was. Must see tv. I can distinctly remember reading the tv guide like, okay, is this going to be good? It is not going to be good, couldn't miss a beat. But Falcon Crest once again pleasantly surprised me. I shouldn't be as surprised as I am at this point, but I feel like they had a little something to prove this episode they're showing me time and time again. They're not just this one trick going. I never thought they were, but it was definitely solidified this episode.

Speaker 1:

I was with a friend last week setting up for another family birthday party. We're just kind of chatting about what's happening over the summer, what's coming up this year. Or if they were just kind of chatting about what's happening over the summer, what's coming up this year, and she mentioned just very offhandedly oh, I've got to get a bigger suitcase and I need to work on my syllabus. Oh, your syllabus, like, are you in class? There's no one teaching a class. I didn't know you taught class. What class are you teaching? Well, every summer in spring, if I can, can help it I teach a biology class and some this summer we're going to the Galapagos Islands and I'm like, wait, what though? You said? Like three different things that don't go together. What are you saying?

Speaker 1:

I had no idea this woman who I met probably about four years ago was some sort of environmental biologist. I'm probably saying it wrong. She explained it to me. I was just so floored, like I thought you were an accountant, I thought she was an accountant and I thought she did like quilts and stuff, among other things, obviously. But I had no idea. I'm like you're a full on biologist, like, yeah, I went to school for this, that and the third. I've been teaching for like 25 years. Wait, what? How are you doing all this? I see you all the time. I had no idea she would leave town but I thought she was just going on vacation.

Speaker 1:

No, some people lead double lives. Others casually mention mid-conversations that they're going to be leading a summer class in the Galapagos Islands, or that they worked at a mob-run restaurant in the early 90s, or they had a quick little stand as a Vegas dancer. We all have these moments when the world gets pulled out from under us, when someone you thought you had totally figured out drops a fact so wild it forces you to rethink everything. And that's exactly the vibe of falcon crust, season 4, episode 19 retribution. Because if falcon crust really wanted to give indiana jones a run for his money, oh we could. If they wanted to go full detective mystery on you, please believe me, they could. If they wanted to have a showdown, pound for pound, outfit for outfits, fabric for fabric, stitch for stitch, have a beauty contest between them and dynasty, oh they could. They could definitely do so and, dare I say, they might win. It just depends on what was coming out that day.

Speaker 1:

This week we're going to dive into the, the Nazi gold gumshoe sleuthing storyline that's so action-packed. It'll make you rethink what you thought you knew about Falcon Crest, just like how I thought my high school sociology teacher was a normal person. Turns out he spent three months with Kevin Bacon during the filming of Footloose because he went to school in Marfa or I guess he went to school at Sol Ross they happen to be near Marfa Met the guy they were friends for years. Casually brings that up one day. Or, even stranger still, how my uncle mentions, several years after, the fact that he is a good friend of Dwayne Rock Johnson. What, yeah, they went to college together. It's just that sort of what are you doing? I didn't realize you could do that. I didn't realize you knew that Falcon Crest is dropping that sort of bomb on us.

Speaker 1:

Today they're proving that the word soap opera is heavy on the offer. This can be anything you want it to be. We can be your TV movie baby. We can be your NYPD blues, we can be your drama, we can be your comedy and we're going to be fine doing it. So saddle up, saddle in as we enjoy Retribution, season 4, episode 19 of Falcon Crest oh, and she's back.

Speaker 1:

I am so sorry for sounding like I was deep under the seven seas chasing nemo, trying to go to ariel's graduation or whatever. My bad, my bad. Me and ursula were chitchatting. I forgot to drain out everything. Apparently my microphone is deceased, baby, so we're gonna have to use what we got. I hope this sounds well. Also, my neighbor decided to give an impromptu afternoon concert, so we're just gonna have to deal with this. The show must and will go on because we got to talk about it.

Speaker 1:

So when last we left, angela was standing in her front door while topless tanya comes to her house brandishing a weapon, demanding that she follow her. You're gonna come with me, angela scoffs. This little girl must not know who she is. This is the perm rod. God, the undisputed dawn of a valley, the west coast wine more she can uncork, pure intimidation. I'm trying my best. I've been looking at wine information, trying to educate myself, but she, she is full-bodied confidence. You're not going to come and play with her. This is a short hair. What's not going to happen is some floozy brandishing a pistol. It's not going to remove her from her home of origin. This is, this is her heritage baby. She ain't going nowhere. You're going to go ahead and shoot me in the stomach today, little girl, only topless. Tanya says someone wants to see you, your daughter, daughter Julia.

Speaker 1:

Now, I fully expected the beginning of this episode to be six or seven men rushing into the door handcuffing Angela, because why on earth would she fall for that? Why would she even think that was something that was plausible? But to my shock and surprise, she flips the script. The Angela I knew would have slammed the door in this woman's face, pistola and all but no, she ends up going with them. Let the record reflect that. She goes on her own accord, she walks out, nobody puts a hand on her. What you're not going to do is manhandle Angela, the perm rock, goddess. So she's walking up the little steps to DeBercy. I guess at this point, ladies and gentlemen, we can start calling him Rebus, right? This has been quite confusing with this flip-flop of identity, but it works well. It works well if this is a movie, right, because you don't really have to remember that long-term. I can't imagine how you guys did this over several months I guess I've sort of done the same thing, but I digress.

Speaker 1:

Angela walks herself up the entrance to Reedman's house Topless. Tanya is doing this thing. I know all too well. I think men and women can agree If you wear boots, some shoes you have to break in. Some shoes you can just put on and walk out the door. Others you need to take a breather. You need to really make some shoes. You have to break in. Some shoes you can just put on and walk out the door. Others you need to take a breather. You need to really make sure, like you need to walk the dog in them, go get the mail in them a few times. Wash dishes you kind of need to walk around them in little increments. I can tell hers were fresh out the box. She's kind of tiptoeing down the pathway like oh Lord, my feet hurt and I hope this old lady doesn't do something wild. So they walk into the house.

Speaker 1:

Angela, cardiganed up, shoulder pads out she looks pissed, walks right up to reed menaces. What is this julia business? On cue, julia comes walking out of the sunroom looking like a million bucks. You got to remember the last time angela saw this girl alive. She was dressed like a nun and then she went into a burning house totally different, and she was always wearing a little updo. There she is healthy and well and vibrant and wearing cashmere in the middle of spring. I know you lying is a look on angela's face. I know you lying. No dear afraid now she's not lying. Julia is alive and well and totally convinced that. Dr uh de berce is a psychologist, psychiatrist who is trying to uh assist her in her recovery after she is technically a fugitive. However, I think you can't be a fugitive post-mortem. Seems like you get a clear slate. We'll get to all that a little bit later. Angela has to sit down. She has to collect herself and graciously, debercy slash Reidman is not a total monster. He allows her to sit down and catch her breath while Topless Tanya makes a phone call.

Speaker 1:

Now, the last time we left the fellas, that being Greg the manimal, reardon, chase the aviator Adonis and Richie Rich. They were in the backseat of a limousine. After the accidental on-purpose confession that not only did Angela and Craig Reardon the manimal know that Chase didn't sabotage the plane, they were perfectly content to allow him to take the fall. They didn't know it was a cartel per se, but they knew it was something. And Richard's like hey, let me let the record reflect. Remember, I was saying it wasn't you the whole time. I didn't say who it was, but I just said it wasn't you. I was never trying to make you take the fall. Chase is like wow, it really be your own. He should be quite used to this at this point, when you think about it.

Speaker 1:

Over the last four seasons this man has caught every single stray Angela has ever thrown at anybody. But anyway, the phone rings. Richard picks it up, it's topless Tanya and she says it doesn't matter what she says. Basically we have someone here for you. He's like oh what, what did you say? I couldn't hear you. Richard's not good at being incognito, he's not good at being is it conspicuous? Whatever, he's not very good at being stealthy. So topless tanya waits to the phone, clicks over to speaker and she's like now that chase and reardon can hear me. I said we have angela captive.

Speaker 1:

Two things are happening simultaneously back at reedman's home. Angela is understanding that she's probably not going to be able to walk away from the situation. In the limo. All three of the men finally realize that all of their moves have been watched. They understand that they've been spied upon and now they need to make some really quick, really clever decisions. And, most importantly, they got to figure out how Rebman and topless Tanya, of all people, know their comings and goings.

Speaker 1:

It is a little hard for me to remember with Falcon Crest because I'm so accustomed to it being a slow burn. I drift in and out of the consciousness of remembering that Chase and the gang don't really know. They didn't really know about Reidman up until this, maybe the previous episode, not really. They were just kind of bumping heads with each other and if you think about it, reidman only knows what Angela knows. So there's this very small slibbit of anonymity that they have to use to their advantage.

Speaker 1:

So Reardon's animal senses are tingling and he's like dadgummit, I think. I know. I think I know he enunciates everything so perfectly. I think I know where the spying device is located For all my people overseas in Great Britain I'm not making fun of you. This dude has a. He has a hybrid accent. I swear to you he does. He starts to think and it's like it's probably that big giant plastered eagle or falcon. Pardon me, let me not disrespect the fowl that appeared in Angela's office as a gift from this little common Frenchman, if you will, as she calls him, in Angela's office. As a gift from this little common Frenchman, if you will, as she calls him. So they make quick plans to go back to Falcon Crest and destroy the look at me being disrespectful and destroy the Falcon, but they find that it's in their best interest to not alert anyone in the house ie Charlie or Emma or Lance, if he decides to show up.

Speaker 1:

Meanwhile, back at Reidman's lair, angela is escorted to Julia's quarters and she does something that warms my heart. She kind of catches her up like an old lady would. Now me. Being raised in the South, I can't help but hear family lore through a Southern accent. So forgive me if that comes and flows in this one, but the long and short of it is and I was like oh my god, I can't believe you're alive. You know, philip is dead. Right, he died in that plane crash. Philip, your stepfather. See, we were on our way overseas. We were trying to go to italy so we could spread your ashes over the valley there. Only our plane went kaboom over the rocky Mountains. So your ashes, or someone's ashes, are there, do you remember? In my mind she's giving her all the family history while letting her know this is your low key, your fault. Had you not been dead, philip wouldn't be dead, had you not been dead.

Speaker 1:

You remember your cousin Chase. Well, you know, his oldest boy, cole. He married that little girl down at the bakery, shania Linda. Shania Linda died in a plane crash, as did you remember your cousin Chase and his wife Maggie. Maggie has that harlot little sister who's a lady of the night. Well, anyway, his sister, her sister, ends up marrying Chase's cousin, jacqueline's sister's boldest boy, oldest and only boy. You know, he inherited everything from Jacqueline and his mother and he was doing well because he was a doctor on his own. Anyway, maggie's little sister, the lady of the night, ends up marrying the good doctor. Unfortunately, he goes kaboom over the Rocky Mountains with your ashes and Philip and Shania Linda, and she ends up being a wealthy woman of the valley. Now only she don't really know how to act.

Speaker 1:

And let me tell you something about your boy. Your boy is out here running around with one of Richard's play pretend third string relatives, a little girl. He calls himself in love with her. He's about to go to jail. Actually he was going to run me down in a car. Only I forgave him, but he's going to be on trial and they're going to need me to testify for him. But let the record reflect. This is all your fault, julia. I hadn't really thought about that, but I mean in not so many. I'm not saying it's Julia's fault obviously. However, had they not been all on a private plane, the opportunity to blow up half the cast of season three would have never happened. And who knows, we might have still been played with Philip. I don't think I mind Shania, linda and I definitely miss Cousin Michael. But alas, you had to catch up, julia, on who's still here on season four.

Speaker 1:

Meanwhile, across town on Jerry Springer realness, lance and my girl, bad girl, melly Mel, are in the good priest office trying to get their marriage annulled. They've been getting along so much I forgot that they couldn't stand each other. You know they just had that brief whole little sexual chemistry thing that worked out really well for them for like 15 minutes, but now it's gone. Once they sit in front of the priest and they start pleading their case, you can't help but say the worst things about each other. Lance is is like yeah, well, you know, when we got married she was knocked up by Cole, my second cousin. And she says well, I mean, I might have been knocked up, but he was definitely banging everything in Tuscany Valley, that's for sure. And he says oh, and what were you doing with Richard? Were you playing patty cake? Or weren't you banging him while you were pregnant? That's how I remember. She says you know what your whole family is crazy. Once they were done calling each other whores, she goes for the family and you know what? She's not wrong. He's like don't talk crazy about my family, your family's crazy. She's like my family's dead because your crazy mother killed my daddy.

Speaker 1:

Now to me, I think, if I'm the priest, just so I can get back to my quarters in peace and have lunch in a reasonable hour, you know what? That's good enough. You're telling me you were pregnant. He was sleeping around. You were sleeping around when, pregnant, his mother killed your father. That to me, is reason enough to assume you're probably not going to have the best family atmosphere. But he's like listen, listen, listen. Had I known that this was all coerced, this was all like a scam before I would have never married the two of you. I'll do my very best to get this done expeditiously, however expeditiously in the catholic church. When it comes to matters of marriage, where there's a whole child involved, it takes a little time, which is reasonable, which is absolutely reasonable. It's like the fastest I could probably do about a year.

Speaker 1:

Cole is bursted into the scene at some point. I'm like cole and his aunt terry need to work on their self-esteem. You can't just what are you doing, lurking in the shadows of church. Mind your business, cole. This ain't got nothing to do with you. You know what it is. She don't want him, he don't want her. It is very, very clear. But they need to go and break the news to Maggie and everyone else.

Speaker 1:

I had this revelation about Maggie, this episode. So she's at Richard's radio station and she walks into I guess it's his office. I've never really paid attention to what his office looks like there, but it's like this beautiful tufted leather door. It's quite spacious, there's a sitting area, there's these floor to ceiling windows, there's this desk. Maggie sort of her way into the desk. She puts the thing down. She didn't even notice that Lorraine is in the corner sitting on the couch. She sees her and she's like hey, what's up, why are you crying? Lorraine cries. She's like I'm having a rough day. Maggie gives her a warm embrace, but she's got this like a Novocaine smile on her face, this laughing gas smile on her face. This isn't the first or 45th time I've seen this.

Speaker 1:

Is Maggie high throughout these episodes? Falcon fiends? I mean no disrespect, hell, I'm a child of the 90s. I guarantee you 87%, god. Just turn on the news today, turn on a documentary today. Everything I watched is apparently tainted. So I'm not here judging. You think she was high Because she is a pro. Maggie is always calm, calm, way cooler than the situation calls for, and collected all the time. So she's hugging lorraine and lorraine's like I'm pregnant and he's like oh my god, it's okay, it's fine, I'm like girl. This girl is high. I just thought she was low. She was like, uh, even killed. She's high, she's high. But she raises an interesting point to those rain.

Speaker 1:

You gotta let lance know who cares what richard says. This is a blessing, this is a wonderful thing. Just let him know so that he knows Lorraine is a big player. She sees Lance at a little sexy time in the hotel motel holiday. And why didn't this kid get his own house? I just thought about this. He has more than enough money. But whatever, I guess that would taint the story. We don't want to chase Lance all over California. She does tell him, and she tells him that she wants to have an abortion. He flips out, he jumps up, but not before we get at least probably a good 20 seconds of natural hairy man chesticles while he slips into his jordash jeans or whatever they are and says, hey, basically this is messed up, I'm pissed, and then he leaves.

Speaker 1:

Looking back to the task at hand here, angela is kidnapped. Chase, richard and the manimal have no idea that Julia is still alive. Although I can go ahead and spoil this episode, that's not really important. It's just shock value, for no other reason than to be shocking, to throw the regular characters off their whole thing. So Craig Reardon thinks that it is important that he just sort of hang around Falcon Crest. Mind you, he has his own horse stalls that he needs to hang out at. But he decides he's going to linger around Falcon Crest without telling Emma or Lance why Angela isn't there or what's really going on. He said that Angela's doing some business. He just wants to be close by in case something happens. It's very suspicious and it's very clear that everybody thinks it's a little bit suspicious. They just don't care that much. Angela being gone is not anything to worry about, so let's get rid of bit player number two. Being gone is not anything to worry about, so let's get rid of bit player number two.

Speaker 1:

Melissa and Cole show up to Falcon Crest late at night, to the castle version, chase and Maggie's castle and they tell Chase and Maggie that unfortunately their marriage can't be annulled right away. It's going to be about a year before Cole and Melissa can get married and like oh no, that's so bad, we're so sorry, oh, we're so disappointed for you too terrible. Soon as they leave, maggie starts pop locking and dropping. She is the elitist. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus. Maybe they won't get married ever, maybe this will stall everything. And Chase is like be cool, be calm, we got bigger fish to fry. Let's backtrack just a little bit.

Speaker 1:

The three fellas that would be riordan, chase and richard go back to falcon cross. They go to angela. Steady chowley is now in on it. He understands the situation. He was right by the door. They also understand that he is angela's right hand man. Riordan breaks the god. I call it a. Is it a falcon? The falcon. They find the tiny spying apparatus and they drop it in a glass of water and then they decide amongst each other that they need to handle this. Just so Quick recap Reardon Chow, lee, chase and Richard know that Angela is kidnapped and Richard know that Angela is kidnapped.

Speaker 1:

Angela, reardon, chase and Richard know that DeBerce is really part of the cartel. He is a guy who blew up his dad. He is Reidman Jr, the illegitimate child that no one else knows about. Okay, chase, no, no, no. Angela, reidman, topless Tanya know that Julia is alive, along with Emma, because she knows all things. People just don't take her seriously.

Speaker 1:

So at this juncture in the episode, you have the three men, you have Reidman, excuse me, you have Chase, richard and the manimal, craig Rearing, who need to keep everything quiet. But they need to figure out how to quietly get angela back, discuss it among themselves one day in the library I suppose it would be the next day and not just someday which brings us to bit player number three, aunt terry, who shows up looking like she's miss squawks in some cinemax skin and max exploitation film. She wants to know hey, reardon, I I feel like I did something wrong. Is there something wrong? He's like I know, no, no, not avoiding you. Well, do you want me to stick around? A hubba hubba, a hubba hubba. She's coming on way too strong and he's like, uh no, I gotta go, I'll talk to you later. Bye, so she leaves and then she goes to richard's place.

Speaker 1:

Of course everybody goes to the horse track to clear their mind and she's like dude, I was rejected by craig the manimal reardon for like the fourth time in a row. You know me personally. I was optional up around craig reardon because every time she shows up he gives her a chore to do and she's showing up in her finest clothes. He's having her clean out horse stalls, brush them, bathe them, do all the like, the heavy lifting. But she's like richard, can you believe that this fool turned down a night of unbridled passion why we keep having all these horse puns? I'm sure I don't know, I'm sure I don't want to know, but terry can't figure out for the life of her why reardon isn't jumping her bones with the quickness richard gives her the one, two, pep talk, pep talk. And then she's like well, I'm saying I mean not doing him, what are you doing? And I'm like terry, what is your problem? I know she is a woman of the night. She was a woman of the night, but even this, this seems very desperate. If the manimal, the squarish person on the show isn't interested, girl, I don't know what else to tell you.

Speaker 1:

We gotta get to the main event and it's slowly building up while everyone is sort of collectively figuring out where they are, who they are and why things aren't going their way. Reidman and Topless Tanya are looking over ancient paperwork from these different mines. If you recall, julia and Emma have mentioned this offhanded, but it really does seem to be sort of a non-factor, kind of like someone asking you to give an inventory of what's in your attic. I mean, there's stuff up there I don't really know. I don't know like that. There's several mines. None of them are important to any of us. We really don't know.

Speaker 1:

So Topless Tanya has dug up something on the Myrna Tunnel which seemed to have been sold right around 1947. That's right about the time. Jacqueline would have been bringing over Nazi artifacts and they're just trying to figure out who Angela would have sold them to. So he asked Angela. He burst back into the room interrupting she and Julia's, dare I say it, mother-daughter closeness moment. He interrupts and he wants to know, hey, what the heck is going on. Which one of these, who did you sell this to? She's looking back like that's, I'm not gonna tell you anything. So he's like cool, I thought you might say something like that perm rod. So guess what? I got something for you. I got a metal pistola for that ass, if you can't remember who you sold this to. So she's keeping quiet. Julia jumps up and she said do you really think I'm gonna let you shoot my mother? He said uh, young lady, I don't really need you. I need her information, I don't really need you.

Speaker 1:

Angela's forced into a corner. She's like sold it to this fool back in the day. She gave me thousands and thousands of dollars. No gold was ever found in those mines, complete and total bust. Reed was like that's a really great fairy tale. I didn't ask for who. I said not what, not when, not where, not why, not. What happened after the fact? Who she goes? Oh, this wench, this heifer, this husband stealing harlot named jacqurault I think she used to work for the same company as your daddy. He's like that's cute, that's very cute. But that gives him all the knowledge he needs.

Speaker 1:

Now, keep in mind this is a whole nother situation where Angela and Julia and Chase and Richard are none the wiser as to why Reedman would give a damn about these tunnels. After many conversations they decide enough with the jaw jacking, we're just going to go down there. So Chase, dressed in a fall palette and a fresh leather jacket, pam, the leather lover, shows up in a white cashmere coat. I don't know why, richard gosh, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on menswear, but I will say this Richard is a handsome enough man that you notice it right, until he starts talking and you're like oh he, he sounds much older than he looks. He gives you 87 year old man in like a 35 to 45 year old man's body six foot three, tall, dark and handsome, all the things just ain't clicking. He also drinks copious amounts of milk. That just makes me look at him out of the side of my eye. But when Pam and Chase decide that they need a fresh outfit for this espionage, they decide they're going to go down to the land office that is owned by reedman and see if they can find anything. Of course they don't. In this bright white coat and this leather coat and a fresh pair of aviators.

Speaker 1:

Richard shows up in his usual apparel, which is always a three-piece suit. However, he puts on the ninja turtle. I'm an incognito. Uh, I just robbed a bank in 1940s. I'm running away from dick tracer. Don't pull out the pistola on me outfit. He's got on the trench and he looks like two seven-year-olds who are on one seven-year-old on another seven-year-old's shoulder.

Speaker 1:

They're trying to sneak into a rated r movie. That's what it like. It looks like that somebody's wearing a Scooby-Doo mask. Two children are wearing a Scooby-Doo mask that someone's going to pull off and it's like a Richard face. He is the exact prototype for a any guy anywhere. Anytime I'm sneaking into this, I need to look like any and everyone. It's just God you're standing, standing out. This was never going to work. Thankfully it doesn't have to.

Speaker 1:

So while they're still trying to piece all this together, they're trying to figure out where Angela is. Reidman and Topless Tanya end up going to the Myrna or Myrva canyon, which looks suspiciously like that canyon on Yellow Rose. I can't remember what exactly happened, but I know Love Child orc was out there. She got caught up. It was one of the last few episodes looks suspiciously like that canyon they found in the valley in texas. Well, it's in tuscany valley in california.

Speaker 1:

Reedman and topless tanya find the closed off mine shaft. They open it up, they walk in and they notice that deep in this very super secret closed off mine shaft that no one gives a damn about for the last four decades, there is a plastered wall. Now I said to myself these are the worst villains I've ever heard of in my life. Reedman, first and foremost, when have you ever seen the supervillain do the grunt work? You should have several minions who are digging through every single tunnel and then they report back to you what they find. A plastered wall in a canyon seems like a lot of work, seems to me. You could just put up another shaft and be like oh, this one sucks and people are gonna walk right by. They're not.

Speaker 1:

Who explores an abandoned mine shaft? Nobody wants to get trapped down there. That's like obvious, I don't know. But he figures out there is a plastered wall and he starts axing through it or picketing through it, while tanya and her two tight boots are in the background. For the record, I don't know his secretary's name, but Topless Tanya works for me, because every time I've seen her she's boobs out holding a piece of fruit while he draws her, and apparently she does like paperwork too.

Speaker 1:

So they burst through this wall, where he actually digs through this wall and is quite unceremonious. This is about the time the second go around as I'm watching this. I Unceremonious. This is about the time the second go around as I'm watching this I'm thinking okay, so maybe this ain't a blockbuster, this ain't exactly Harrison Ford, but it is intriguing. So they go into this wall and there's these lanterns, there's lots of spider webs, so that we understand it hadn't been open in a while. I was hoping a bat or something would fly off. That was not the case.

Speaker 1:

They start sifting around to see what they can find. He's like it kind of smells like nazi memorabilia. I bet we can find something here. There he finds a baby barrel. He cracks it open with the same pickaxe he used to burst through the plaster. And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know what he finds? What are you hoping he finds? When you hear the word treasure, what does your mind go to? Gold coins, gold bars, silver bars, something from the spanish armada, something, no, baby. He gets at least three and a half gallons worth of Michael's finest bedazzling jewel kits. I've seen this before and I thought to myself man, in 1985, some TV executives teenage daughters. Jean Jacket was a lot less bitching because all of her bejeweled jewels disappeared. So they can use this for a prop. This is when I knew. I knew for a fact there was going to be an explosion, this episode.

Speaker 1:

They had to cut back where they had to cut back and they damn sure didn't cut back on the outfits. So meanwhile, back at falcon crafts, after the espionage, after chase and leather, pam showed us how fly they were and Richard showed us how to sneak into a movie at seven years old. Chase, richard, leather, pam and all leather, by the way, leather pants, cashmere, sweater and whatever. Chow Lee and Craig, the man of Mulwearden, are making a decision. Okay, look, something's afoot. They're moving around. What could they possibly want? We don't know what they want, but they wanted to buy the land. They want to do this, that and the third.

Speaker 1:

We need to just bust up in his house. That's all we got to do. That's the only place she could be. If she's not in the office, she's got to be in his house. So they start having a little bit of an ego contest. Who can we get through this. Who should go?

Speaker 1:

Maggie is as beside herself as maggie could be, which is, I mean, like on a scale of one to ten. She's like I got a point five. She's like chase, he goes, calm down. Okay, girl, that's how I know. Forgive me, perhaps maggie isn't. She does live in a wine ranch. Maybe she goes by every day and gets her mommy juice A la Mariah Carey hey, y'all Taste us and she walks out with like two bottles.

Speaker 1:

It is decided that we need to keep up appearances. So Chow Lee, you need to stay here, although I will say I don't know if Chow Lee can physically fight, but I know he can teach people to fight. So at best he could be on the sidelines, kind of coaching them through any sort of confrontation. They get into richard. The truth is, come on, ain't nobody scared of richard? Yeah, you knocked out an old lady one time. You snuck her at that, so you're not the best. I wouldn't have voted for the manimal, but I guess that'll do chase. You know, he's a vietnam vet, he's a pilot, he's been in the Army. He could probably handle himself all right. He's going to do it with a v-neck shirt and a fresh pair of aviators. I guarantee you that it's decided.

Speaker 1:

They're going to sneak into Reidman's stolen mansion and they do just that. Now, for whatever reason, in the mansion Julia has changed clothes and she's wearing some weird sort of carpet and a turtleneck, while Angela still has on the same clothes, and they're having this heart-to-heart girl. If we ever get out this room, I'm gonna be your mother. I'm gonna be your mother for real. This was more shocking to me than knowing that my friend is going to be teaching in the Galapagos Islands. I'm like, since when do you care about motherhood? Since when do you care about anything? Yeah, she was a little broken up when Julia died, obviously, but mostly it's like, dang, I just I wish you wouldn't have died crazy in a nun outfit and blown to bits and pieces. That was most of it, I thought. Small, tiny little side note. Last little side player While all of this is going on, emma is hearing little murmurings here and there.

Speaker 1:

She and Terry are like something is going on. Emma's going to get to the bottom of this. She doesn't really care that her mother's missing. She cares that Debercer has not reached out to her since their beautiful evening on the yacht. So she goes to his home and she's like you know what? You're avoiding me and I don't like it. He's oh my darling, I'm so sorry, I'm just so busy. Listen, why don't you get some new clothes and we'll sail to alcapoco immediately my mind goes to d.

Speaker 1:

I'm like that is a great place to have a divorce. If you need to, you can get it done with a quickness. It is all the rage in the early 80s, that's. I don't know if that's a great honeymoon spot, but you know, say you get married, you don't want to be there. It's like that, it's super easy. She's like oh my gosh, al Capoco, that's so dope. I can't wait me go shopping. He's walking to her door yeah, baby, it's gonna be beautiful. Kisses, kisses, hey, maybe we can even fall in love. And she's like, oh my god, that'd be the best idea ever. Soon as she's at the door, he looks over his shoulder to his do dirt walking calendar guy and he says remind me to ghost her ass next tuesday. That's the end of that. So it's the day of the uh, the rescue.

Speaker 1:

Craig reardon meets the aviator adonis at the castle house on falcon crest. Maggie is still super pissed and a little bit drunk. She is slowly kicking over about 14 worth of home good and tj max pillows. When someone rat-a-tat-tats on the door, this is right after chase and the man will leave. Here comes terry, looking like little red rabbit and she's like girl. Girl, do you know your husband? And reared and just walk right past me and I couldn't get laid if I was a 14 rug. I don't know what's going on. Nobody talked to me, ain't nobody trying to get my draws? I don't know what's going on. And maggie's like, oh girl, I can't talk, I'll talk to you later. Bye, kicks her out the castle and then the real fun begins.

Speaker 1:

As fond as I am of the aviator adonis, I had to check my stuff. Now the first go around, I'm like dang, this is so dope. There's so many, there's so many layers. You're having to unlay, you're having to unback, unback, unpeel. So many thoughts, realizing that the whole cast didn't know that they were in danger up until like one episode ago.

Speaker 1:

So chase and the manimal scale the walls. And by scaling the walls what I mean is the aviator adonis is big grown. He probably between 35, 45 back in 1982. He goes to climb over the fence. He's got on boots, he's got on the vest. For no reason, I don't know why they have on so many clothes clothes in California but he goes to scale the fence and, I'm not going to lie, it takes a little bit of time, it takes a few minutes. I mean. Thank God for the score, otherwise you'd hear his boots scraping against the fence and he has to gingerly lower himself to the ground with the assistance of a tree. Meanwhile the manimal just kind of hops over no big deal. They get assistance of a tree. Meanwhile the manimal just kind of hops over no big deal. They get into the house. They punk the nerdiest security guard I've ever seen in my life turn them around next thing. You know, some no face comes walking out with julia chase is totally thrown back. Like I said, julia's only purpose this episode is to shock the main characters, so they're quickly apprehended and tossed back into Julia's quarters.

Speaker 1:

So now it is Angela, the manimal Chase, and Julia Chase is still just staring. Like he's seen it goes. He can't freaking believe it. Angela is sitting in a rocking chair, sitting in a wicker rocking chair like an old lady she's like now. How did I know both of y'all's country behinds would show up here and promptly be caught. She's not wrong. De bercy slash.

Speaker 1:

Reedman is now face to face with Chase. He's brandishing a weapon. Chase doesn't give a damn. It is all coming back to him. It's all becoming crystal clear. This has been a setup. Now I think in this scene he's thinking that this man had done something to Julia to bring all this to fruition. They have not had the opportunity to speak to each other. Chase is like oh my gosh, you did this, juliet, to bring all this to fruition. They haven't had the opportunity to speak to each other. Chase is like oh my gosh, you did this. You tried to ruin my life. You tried to blow up the plane. You blew up the plane that blew up my daughter-in-law that I actually like. Now we're stuck with Melissa and Reidman pulls a full on Angela and he says I will not take responsibility for that monstrosity. If it didn't go my way, all y'all would have been booed up, period. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

Meanwhile, back at Falcon Crest I let me just go ahead and put this out here. Maybe I'm watching a little bit too much Knott's Landing. Maybe I'm just a little suspicious of people because of Jeff and Fallon, but I feel like Maggie and and and Richard are just a little suspicious of people because of Jeff and Fallon. But I feel like Maggie and Richard are getting a little too close. They've been friendly all this time. He seems to really like her. She seems to be one of the few people he likes, aside from Lorraine. But you know she's beside herself this entire episode because she's like this is such a bad idea. You guys can't go over there and like confront someone like this. This is going to be horrible. And he's comforting her.

Speaker 1:

All of this is happening in Angela's study in walks. Emma, she sees this and she's so in love she doesn't really clock what I'm seeing. However, again, I could just be being suspicious. I don't know. They seem a little too close for me. Just my personal opinion. Lots of hugging, lots of touching. Maggie ain't the type like that. But the rest of it is really irrelevant. Emma figures out through Maggie who DeBerce really is and that it sucks and that he's getting after mother and that there's this whole ass like espionage thing happening. Nobody really knows why and it's irrelevant.

Speaker 1:

After Reidman leaves a room where Chase is left with the manimal and Angela and Julia, they start to formulate a plan. They're looking out the window, window. Window, mind you, I said window. Mind you. I said window. Yes, it's on the second floor. Didn't they just scale a wall? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. That's irrelevant. This is why this would be a TV movie versus a blockbuster movie. They start to piece together like, oh my God, he's leaving, what information have we given him? Where could he be going? They put aside their differences, very briefly. Julia and big perm said well, you know, he was awfully interested in these abandoned minds, in particular this one. Angela impersonates red fox. Ah, ah, my chest. Oh, oh, ah, ah.

Speaker 1:

By the way, that's the best, that's the best scene in the original buffy the vampire. I never really got on board with the show. I understand it was pretty good. I've seen an episode. They're here and there, but nothing and I do mean nothing tops the original film. Okay, back to our program. She pulls that steak in the heart. Oh, it hurts. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

The guards, because they are well trained and they're good young men, come running in. We can't let an old lady die of a heart attack in this room. So they come in and, to my surprise, the original time I watched this I thought, okay, wow, the manimal can really really fight. Chase can really really fight they. They got lucky. There's a punch here. There's a punch here. It's quite dramatic. Oh my god, this is the worst action scene ever. I love them so much, but you can tell when people start getting money. You can tell what type of people really have like, lifted, uh, heavy objects in their life or done dirt and done different things Moved dirt, farmed, I don't care what it is. So they knock out the guards.

Speaker 1:

Chase and the manimal do, and, mind you, julia's room has always had this sort of two-way mirror. They finally figure out it's a two-way mirror. Chase points the weapon at the glass but the manimal's like no, screw that. He throws something through it. After it breaks, chase and the manimal are left to just, you know, get the shards out of the way so they can climb through to the other room. Girl sir, these men have never and I do mean never in their life done any manual labor. They're picking up the glass with two pinkies Come on now you can't whoop somebody's ass and then like ew, glass is so dirty, but they do and they slowly crawl through the window, the two-way mirror window.

Speaker 1:

Chase is able to make a phone call to Richard. Thank God Richard is where he is, him and Pam and her leather pants, her leather boots. She puts on a leather jacket, cashmere scarf and a fedora. Pam is nothing without an accessory. Do you hear me? She is not leaving the house. I'm like girlfriend. Why do you have on 15 different items? We don't need all these accessories, we need actions. Chow Lee decides to show up, I guess so he can coach Richard through it. Richard is holding a gun like you'd hold like a coin purse. He's clearly never shot. This is a whole fiasco. But would I watch it if it was a two-part miniseries on NBC circa you know 2000? Absolutely. Series on NBC circa you know 2000, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Richard goes into the abandoned mine shaft where Reedman and topless Tanya, who's dressed like the banana boat actually I'm being shady, but she has the exact same outfit as my mom. My mom had the same jumper. Actually it wasn't really a, it was more like a culotte suit, like Pam's is a full Excuse me, topless Tanya's is a full pant suit. My mom's was either a dress or like culottes. I remember this being in her closet for a long time.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, richard goes to the abandoned mine shop brandishing a weapon. He can hear Topless Tanya and Reedman sifting through the bedazzled jewels and then she's moving all these cups around and it's just like she's moving a bunch of goblets from medieval times. I remember going there when I was like 15, eating chicken breast and like chicken soup. It was fantastic, we were starving. But yeah, it's not even like good goal. I was like what was a you know what? That's irrelevant. The nazi goal is is at least um 60 dollars worth of bedazzling jewels and about 15 cups from medieval times, a couple lamps. It ain't much. It's quite disappointing. There's no paintings, there's nothing. It's quite lame.

Speaker 1:

Well, richard, who's afraid, stalks in there and he tries to coax Rebman out of the hole. Richard has a pistol, rebman has a Tommy gun. The stunt double is stunt doubling Richard is pew pew, pew me and Rebman is pew pew, pew me and Reuben is pew pew pew. They're going back and forth. Richard does this like Ninja Turtle move, or his stunt double does. He rolls and the whole damn shaft starts to collapse. Oh, it's stressful, it's terrible. The sheriff shows up, chase shows up with a fresh pair of aviators and they watch as dust and debris and all sorts of things come bursting out of the mineshaft door. It's terrible, it's awful.

Speaker 1:

We're all believing that we are witnessing the end of Richard Channing. Not so. Richard and his two seven-year-old buddy comes walking out. He's just fine. He announces to the rest of the cast yeah, I'm sorry topless tanya and reedman are in there chilling, but I'm like I'm saying I'm, I'm personally not gonna go back in, and everyone else just sorts of nods like as if he said they were dead. He just said they were in there. We do get to see them. They're not dead, they're just kind of like immobilized. Reedman is looking at the, the craft jewels. He's like god. I wish my dad was alive to see it. He would have loved this. He would be alive had you not blown him to bits and pieces. But that's neither here nor there. It was fun.

Speaker 1:

I I don't know if I did a great job of executing the amount of tension on this episode, but it was there, it was. I love this. I feel like this could and should have been a film. It is very reminiscent of Indiana Jones, if you've ever seen it and dang it. I kind of wish there was a little bit more to the, to the Vineyards of Doom, and maybe there is. There's a little bit more to the Vineyard of Doom and maybe there is there's still like 10 more episodes left. I fully thought Maggie's dad was going to have a play at this.

Speaker 1:

Why else would you bring up an archaeologist only to send him away? This is just another side of Falcon Crest. That makes me love it all the more. It's almost outrageous. It's just crazy enough to be true. They're always so thorough with the through lines here.

Speaker 1:

But the strangest and I do mean the strangest part of this episode is that Angela has suddenly grown a bigger heart. It's just so unlike her. She's been damn near ruthless on season four, but something about her daughter being brought back for the dead. She's like girls. We're going to be the best friends ever. We're going to be tight. We're going to be a family again. How long y'all think this is going to last? I give it 15. No, I'm going to be generous. I give it 20 minutes until the next episode before. No, I'm going to be generous, I give it 20 minutes until the next episode before one of those girls pisses her off and she sends her on the next thing smoking.

Speaker 1:

I like it though. I like the sleuths, I like the mystery. I like the coming together of characters that normally wouldn't work together. I like that. Everybody still has a little bit of a secret. I like that. Everybody still has a little bit of a secret.

Speaker 1:

With that being said, I am mildly concerned because there isn't much. Well, I guess we can just get back to regularly scheduled family drama at this point. With the Nazi being gone, I'm like that's the whole storyline. But it's really not, because, as I mentioned several times this episode, most of the cast was unaware of his existence or his, his goings on for most of the time. Besides, like the last couple of episodes, all right, so, fiends, that's going to be it. That's all for this episode.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for bearing with me and my technical difficulties. I'm doing what I can. Anyway, we're going to get this fixed. Tease, I'm doing what I can, anyway, we're gonna get this fixed. I hope this little lapel mic is a little bit more crystal clear as we jump, because I gotta talk about nos landing. Next we're gonna jump into ginger's country era, which I didn't see coming. So, whether you're true to this or new to this, I think the moral of this story is, if someone gives you a giant plastered or metal foul to place inside your home, throw that in the garage, throw it away, put it in the garage sale with a quickness, because your life will be in shambles in 13 episodes or less. Otherwise, stay hydrated, stay moisturized. Stay off mommy juice, or at least use it responsibly unlike my favorite girl on here, maggie and keep all of your drama on TV. You.