Soaplore

Bonus! Teen Witch Movie: An Accidental 80's Afternoon

• Jett Shae • Episode 281

Share episode

Send us a text

Ever had a lazy Sunday nap interrupted by the universe demanding you watch an 80s teen movie? That's exactly what happened when "Teen Witch" unexpectedly appeared on my screen after a Dallas marathon, triggering both nostalgic recognition and bewildered fascination.

This delightfully corny 1989 film follows Louise Miller, a shy redhead who discovers her magical powers on her 16th birthday. What unfolds is a perfect time capsule of 80s teen movie absurdity – the unpopular girl transformation, the hunky jock who doesn't notice her until she's suddenly "that girl," and fashion choices that scream Reagan-era excess. From popped collars to fishnet stockings with kitten heels, Louise's magical makeover embodies everything wonderfully ridiculous about 80s aesthetics.

The film's philosophical questions prove surprisingly thought-provoking beneath its cheesy exterior. Does Brad truly like Louise for herself or just her magically-enhanced popularity? Can changing your external circumstances actually change how others perceive you? And what makes the infamous "Top That" rap battle so gloriously, transcendently bad that it achieves a kind of perfection?

"Teen Witch" delivers everything we simultaneously love and hate about 80s teen cinema – the earnest commitment to unrealistic scenarios, the blurry line between camp and sincerity, and the absolute conviction that a new outfit and the right accessories can transform your entire social existence. Whether you're revisiting this gem or discovering it for the first time, it's a magical journey through a time when teen movies weren't afraid to be completely, unapologetically ridiculous.

Notice something familiar about this movie but can't place where you've seen it? You're not alone – like many cult classics from this era, "Teen Witch" found new life through cable TV reruns, possibly even on Disney Channel with some of the more passionate scenes carefully edited out.

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome and welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Soap Lore. I'm your host Shep viewing and reviewing the sopiest, ugliest primetime storylines of 1980. Today's episode is a bonus Bonafide filled with an accidental watch that leaves me reeling. So, whether you're new to this or to this, head back and enjoy. Tell the kids to play outside or out of sight, tell they have no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Everyone else in the air shot. Cool, quiet or kicked out are your only options, because we are watching an 80s teen. Play, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is still so cool. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is still SoFloor. Hello, gorgeous and welcome to another fun-filled edition of SoFloor, the bonus edition.

Speaker 1:

I gotta lay this out because this was an unexpected revelation, I suppose. Let me set the scene for you. I work hard. You know what I'm saying. I work hard all day, every day during the week. Sundays are my days to take a deliciously just, indulgent nap. Fun Sundays. I indulge in some documentaries and sometimes I'll catch up on myself, but on this day I had decided you know what sleep is calling me. It's been a crazy busy week.

Speaker 1:

I decide to lay out and then I start to hear this music. It's very, not necessarily familiar because I enjoy it, but familiar because where have I heard this before? It's type music. I open my eyes, I look up and somehow or another after watching Dallas I did watch all three episodes of Dallas the movie Teen Witch decided it needed to play for my enjoyment. This is weird to me because I think I saw this as a kid because one of the songs was just like oh my God, I knew all the words to it. So it was clearly in the background many, many times, but I didn't really know the plot. I think this show, teen Witch, which aired in 1989, has a redhead who's not quite Miley Ringwald, but she's somebody. I feel like this is played on the Disney Channel and I want to say it played recently. If you're a millennial, please tap in, let me know, reach out in the show notes. You can always send me a text and say hey, you're doing great. Hey, you suck. Hey, did you know? So-and-so did DexYZ. Let me know all the things because I fully enjoy this. This is my jam. But this movie, for some reason I feel like I've seen this before. It was at least playing in the background.

Speaker 1:

I probably got it mixed up with a couple things. For example, star Wars is a real movie. Spaceballs is a real movie. For many, many years, in my mind, they were the exact same movie. So you can imagine my surprise.

Speaker 1:

I decided to postpone my nap and said let me see what is going on. The 80s want me to watch something. Let me go ahead and check it out. I have have to admit, I love a teen flick. I love a cheesy teen flick, but this movie gave me this is exactly what I'll be talking about when I say I hate the 80s. It's the exact same. It's so corny, it's so whack, but it's also so, so good. So go ahead and pour yourself off something bubbly and bright and dolls. Put on your denim jacket, put on whatever you have. If you're an OG and you know this film be brutal, let me have it, because you know what I deserve. I am a mouthy millennial. Sometimes I need to be put in my place. So let's go ahead and tap into the bonus episode.

Speaker 1:

Teen movie, teen witch. I talk a lot of ish, but one thing I appreciate is a slow intro, and this movie has just that. You see this sort of gorgeous redhead girl and this, this hot, rockabilly dude and it's very clear that this is a fantasy because she's you know they're on top of a roof. Why would you do that? She's running about, she's in the hottest outfit she can find, which in her case is like a sweetheart red top, matching skirt and red pantyhose, which is very, very much on 80s q. She ends up falling off the roof, waking up to her little brother.

Speaker 1:

This is the trope in the 80s that drives me nuts. There's always a bevested, weirdo little brother who's just kind of hanging about in a weird way. He's under her bed as she wakes up. Reality knows that most children do not wake up before any other children. He's not going to wake up at 6.30 am so he can crawl under her bed and read her diary. But in this film that is the case and for whatever reason, they love a quirky child he has. He has the voice of a 40 year old divorcee. He's he snatched out a page of her diary and he's reading it to her. And of course it's like oh my God, little brother, get out. It's so weird, it's kind of an unnecessary trope, but I suppose you need to build a home life for this girl.

Speaker 1:

We all need to believe that, despite her bespectacled appearance and frumpy clothing, she is a swan waiting to to debut. Only this girl looks just like every other girl in her high school. But we're supposed to believe she is frumpy. She is shy. Maybe it's her red hair. Is that a prejudice that we're slapping on her? I suppose that's what it is. She's not popular, so goes to breakfast with her smoking hot mom and her dad, who I believe is one of the original Darrens, with Bewitched.

Speaker 1:

Now, this is the privilege of growing up with old people. I've seen Bewitched. I've seen Herman Munster in them, which was the Munsters, the Adam family, andy Griffith, happy Days. I've watched all those for years as if I watched them in real time. I feel like her dad might be one of the original Darrens. The other one was JR. They all kind of mixed together for me because I watched them in syndication so I couldn't tell you who showed up first. He's definitely one of them. So the girl's name is Louise Miller, which is a plot twist my husband's aunt's government name before she got married. I feel like Louise is one of those names you didn't hear after. Probably Nobody named their kid Louise after probably 1969. Yeah, I guess that tracks. This is about 1988. She would have been one of the last people on earth named Louise and she tries to go about her day as a nerd.

Speaker 1:

She's in a full-on McGruff the Crime Dog outfit. She's got her red hair relaxed, which as a woman I understand. I know when someone has a flat iron or a hot comb to their hair, baby girl definitely does. She tries to go to her locker and you have three Wahite young gentlemen rapping in front of her the wackest rappers on the West Coast. Doubt. The nerds come up. The film is painting a picture. She is a dweeb, she's a dork, she is a nerd. She does not fit in. But she is pining for the one and only brad brad pow, which is a typical quintessential teen boppy movie name. I get it.

Speaker 1:

She has a really, really douchey teacher, mr Weaver, who for no reason decides he wants to mortify her. So what happened was her creepy little brother was hiding under her bed. He snatched out a page of her diary where she was talking about Brad. I guess she was writing fan fiction. He couldn't appreciate her artistic interpretation of her teen life. So somehow or another it gets shuffled into her backpack when she goes to English class to turn in her regular assignment, because her brother is disgusting and he eats chocolate and candy all day, every day. It is somehow submerged to the back of her regular assignment. It gets turned into mr weaver and this disgusting 60 plus year old man has no class. He decides it is. It is, uh, in vogue to embarrass a 16 year old girl by reading a very private page of her diary. It is very clear that's not her assignment. But he reads it. He drags her in front of god and everybody.

Speaker 1:

She has no choice but to jump up from her desk and run to the bathroom and hide out. Luckily she has one and I do mean just one home girl who's like girl, don't even worry about it. You're a good writer. Do not let that old man ruin your swag. You got this. Come on out. So she works up the courage to go out, right.

Speaker 1:

And then she goes to the locker room where the cheerleaders in their lavender outfit. Lavender has to be the color of 80. That's where Laura's always wearing lavender. All the women on season two of Northland are dripping in lavender. I feel like I see it more and more the girls in the in the locker room. The cheerleaders are putting on a brand new cheer. We like boys. We like boys. Now, what high school in america do you know would let that be a cheer? But they do a whole song and dance number in their lavender leotards and she is forced to just like be basic gosh. This musical number goes on an embarrassingly long amount of time at least three to four minutes and this is the thing that has always confused me with the 80s. I can't tell what's camp or what they want me to believe is real. I feel like they want me to believe this is what really goes on in a high school locker room.

Speaker 1:

So after the whole song and dance number, louise is. She's in desperate need of some testosterone. So she leaves. She goes out to the football field to spy on brad in the. In the, under a cloak of darkness, through a hallway. He's doing sit-ups, he's throwing footballs not to other people but through tires. He is giving her everything she needs to put into her mental. We're not going to go there today, but you know what it is. She's putting in her mental diary and she's going to save that all for later.

Speaker 1:

We understand by this point in the film. She's got it real, real bad for brad. The girl that he loves is next door to her. She lives right across the street. Brad vaguely knows who she is and we know this because in in the drama class she gets to be the understudy for the main girl and she's talking to him and it's like it's really beautiful soliloquy. It's quite embarrassing if you think about it. No teenager who was that shy would be that bold to recite those lines to him, but like she does and it's like oh my god, I just want to. Honey, can I just sit in your lap? I love you. Blah, blah, it's Shakespeare, shakespeare, blasé, blasé, I hate to say it.

Speaker 1:

Louise doesn't have a lot of personality. I'm just gonna say that is she unpopular because she's a nerd? I think by the 80s beauty standards she's quite lovely but she does not have a lot of emoting and I think teenage boys are not bright enough to pick up on the subtleties. But in her case she's got a teacher who is her homegirl. She almost kisses Brad and it is just enough to feed her for yet another day, while her nerdy homegirl watches on like, oh my God, girl, you're so good, we're dorks. I hope we can get into the popular crew at some point. It's devastating. It's a little hard to swallow too, because this is 1989. So I would imagine you would be phasing this out. But they're not. This is as cheesy as body rock. But let the record reflect, I fully enjoyed body rock.

Speaker 1:

So by this point in the film we got to get to the getting brad is her heart's desire. Louise is a square. Louise's neighbor is a hot to drop blonde who is stealing Brad's attention and on one fateful night he almost runs her off the road and somehow that accumulates in her running into a psychic's house. Make it make sense. So, as happenstance would happenad accidentally runs her off the road one night, continues to make out with his girlfriend, offers her to ride home. She's like no, no, I don't need it, brad. She goes to a payphone. I suppose it doesn't work. And even though this is her hometown, she somehow stumbles into the home of madameena, a mystic, a psychic. When the door opens and Madame Serena is revealed, I have a mild panic attack Because if I don't remember anything else, I remember all of the horror movie trauma I suffered as an early child and one of those films was a poltergeist.

Speaker 1:

This is definitely the lady who was trying to call Carol Ann out of her trance. I didn't appreciate that. I felt completely caught off guard. She seems a little more light and fluffy, this movie, but still I feel like, why are you always typecast? Was his name Danny Trejo? He's always the same sort of a slice you up, type gutter gangster. You know what I mean. Some people are typecast and it's like is this for a reason or no? I feel like she might have a hand in the occult. That's all I'm saying. I'm not gonna name her name, but you can look her up. You know exactly who I'm talking about if you were a child in the late 80s, early 90s.

Speaker 1:

This woman is in my night, but luckily, in this film she seemed to be a big sister of sorts, or maybe like a fairy godmother. She's like Miller. Oh my gosh, you're going to receive these powers on your 16th birthday. Things are going to be a little bit weird, but it'll work out again, I promise. You're a witch, by the way, so it's really lucky that you were almost run off the road and showed up on my doorstep. Obviously, her 16th birthday happens. No one comes to her party because another more poppin' party is happening and she's not that chick. Unfortunately she's not the popular chick. However, because of a powerful thunderstorm that night, she sort of understands that things have changed.

Speaker 1:

First order of business. She's barking at her brother, quite literally, because he has a whole mess. I guess the whole thing with the little brother is that he's addicted to sugar, so he's always making these weird snacks. He's making like a giant and I'm talking three foot in diameter pizza with marshmallows, chocolate, all the works. And she's like just clean up, mom will be home, she doesn't want you making this mess. A lime rubber you'll glue. Whatever you say sticks back on you. He floats in and out of an east jersey, new york accent quite a bit, so he says that two or three more times and then he calls her a dog. Next thing, you know, he turns into a dog and she's like holy crap, decides to throw him into a freaking bathtub. He suddenly turns back into a boy, but he's thoroughly weirded out. For the rest of the movie he's gonna mind his business, because up until this time he's been talking real slick out the side of his mouth. No one's coming to your 16th birthday. Like I said, he sounds like a 40-year-old divorcee. I don't know what his problem is Meanwhile at school, it's very clear that her teacher, who's also a beautiful redhead lady, is like girl, be you, do you?

Speaker 1:

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. And this is all happening on her 16th birthday. Suddenly, in the theater department, this rando piece of jewelry shows up. It's like sort of glowing. It looks a lot like the I'm going to screw this up Like when you look at the picture of the pyramids. The eye looks a lot like that. It just sort of shows up. She puts it on Long story short this belongs to her.

Speaker 1:

This was supposed to come to her through some form of magic. She goes back to Serena. Serena shows her a yearbook where Serena is a fully 57 year old woman in the yearbook and sweet little Lorraine Miller, or what's her name? Louise Miller looks exactly the age she is. Now. She's a 16 year old. She got her hair did up. She's in the book. Apparently she's been around since the 1600s, only she don't remember it. Just, things are starting to happen. Popular girl who lives next door to her who's dating? Brad is like yo, I want you to come to a dance with us tonight. You can have my cousin. When they go and pick up the cousin, tell me why the cousin looks just like Brad.

Speaker 1:

This is a thing with the 80s film you don't fully get to understand that some people are dweeb. This is all perspective. It's going to take more than a good pair of glasses for me to not understand that somebody is fine fine. Take, for example, if Brad Pitt is walking in front of you with a pair of glasses on, he's not hot. How do the glasses shield that body, shield all that fondness? In 80s movies? That's the case Either way.

Speaker 1:

This is fresh after her birthday. So she puts on this really hideous outfit. Her mom got her a green and pink sweater vest. She looks she's an aka and it's revealed kind of quickly, kind of offhandedly, that her mom used to be a dweeb in junior high but she grew into like the smoke show. So for the rest of the movie it's as if louise knows eventually she's going to grow into the smoke show. It's just taking a little longer than she had decided. But she decides to go to this dance with cousin. Cousin is fine, fine, he's got the bouffant, he's got the hair, but he is. I don't know if he's high, I don't know what his problem is, but he's geeked up on something totally unprovoked.

Speaker 1:

Louise goes to the dance and she decides you know what? I'm a hott too. She's stowed away a second pair of clothes in her changing bag. She flips out and when I say she puts on every piece of 80s garb you can think of, she does. She's got the button up shirt where she can pop the collar. She's got the neon makeup it's hot pink. She's got the little clip in her hair so that it's half up, half down with the tees Waterway bangs. She's got fishnets in a bright color. She's got the kitten heel in a weird color with the socks. She's got the sequins. She's got the necklaces. She's got everything you can think of to make her the quintessential 1980s hottie only and don't really work. But it does work because, unbeknownst to her, she's kind of forgotten that her spells and everything she says by the time she's 16 is going to kind of pump up.

Speaker 1:

Serena did not do a good job of explaining this. So she's sitting at the table with her homegirl, table number 13. And she's just like God. I wish Brad would look at me. Brad turns and he looks at her. I wish he would come over. Brad comes over. I wish Brad would look at me. Brad turns and he looks at her. I wish he would come over. Brad comes over. I wish he would talk to me. Brad talks to her Only, instead of asking for her hand in marriage, like she was expecting, he asked her to help him out with his English homework. The neighbor girl comes and she's like yo, give my cousin the keys, we're going to my homegirl's house. Womp, womp, give my cousin the keys, we're going to my homegirl's house. What's her name?

Speaker 1:

Louise is not picking up on the I wish portion, even though by this point it should feel a little suspicious. She's not picking up on that. So while she's in the car, cousin nerd starts freaking out. He's geeking out, he's laughing all hysterically. She said I wish you'd leave me alone, baby. He disappears behind the driving wheel. She's forced to break with no legs. I don't know how this happened. She's in the passenger side, he disappears from the driver's side. She's able to break in downtown Los Angeles, get herself back home.

Speaker 1:

She tries to go to Serena and doesn't get any help. I'm going to speed the rest up for you because there's not much to it If you've seen it once, you've seen it a hundred times. She starts to click like hey, I'm really a witch. Serena's like yeah, girl, not only are you a witch, you being a witch is helping me out. I can turn frogs into fine men that I can sleep with, I can turn, we can turn money out of nowhere. Girl, I'm going to make you the it girl. Go ahead, let's put a little spell on your little booski and we'll see how that goes. Well, she puts a spell on herself.

Speaker 1:

Suddenly she's the most popular girl in school and the song that follows is just like that I want to be the most popular girl. That song is very familiar to me, even though I don't remember seeing this movie. So that's playing. And then I mean, everybody loves her, from the dweebs to the populars. There's posters with her name all around the campus. She is her, she is she, she is that chick.

Speaker 1:

Now she does throw her nerdy best friend a favor a time or two, because that's what you're supposed to do in these sort of films. And her friend is in love with Vanilla Ice Splice and his two companions who rap non-stop quite wackily, as they did in 1980s. She helps her homegirl out with a little rap battle with him and I guess he finds her attractive. It doesn't seem like he finds her attractive right away, because it takes till the end of the movie before he decides that she is worthy of his artistic endeavors, that he is that dude and she is worthy of him. He is so lame I can't hardly stand it, but it works out for them.

Speaker 1:

So for the rest of the film, louise starts to realize that popularity is not what she thought. She starts to question the relationship between she and Brad. Does Brad like me for me, or does he like me because there's a spell on me? Serena's like girl. What Nevermind Does it make? I am 500 years old. If the boy is looking at you, he's looking at you. If he doesn't like you, he doesn't like you, let it ride, let it be. This is a spell, regardless.

Speaker 1:

The funny thing is she was supposed to put a spell on him but she didn't actually did it. So she didn't actually do it. What she was supposed to let happen was that she was supposed to go have invite him into her space. So, under the guise of studying for their English exam would have been the perfect. Little situation ship, he was supposed to sit on her bed. Little situation ship, he was supposed to sit on her bed. She's supposed to chant this little rhyme. Only she starts feeling guilty about halfway through and decides not to go through it. So, yes, brad starts to develop feelings for her and she's questioning herself the entire film. Does he want me or is this because it's put a spell on him? He takes her to an abandoned house with, like, all sorts of rusty nails and dirt and grime and thick little cobwebs, and she decides that it is a good idea to walk through this home barefoot.

Speaker 1:

They have quite the passionate lovemaking scene without actually seeing that part, which makes me question whether or not I saw this on the Disney Channel. I stand by that. I feel like I've seen this. I don't see why I would make that up. They definitely put it on the Disney Channel. I'm assuming they blocked out these scenes. But all she can think to herself is man, does he really want me or is he just enchanted?

Speaker 1:

So by the film's end there is a remarkably campy dance session between all the high schoolers. Madame Serena is there because you know Louise feels like she should be. She's missed out on so much life. Let's just bring it. Nerdy Rat Boy is filling her geeky best friend have an incredibly awkward dance session together, and louise, who still hasn't given up that witch money and fly wardrobe is still the center of attention only, for whatever reason, this dance accumulates in the, the actual passion that is in the film.

Speaker 1:

Does brad want her for her? Does he want her because she's a witch and she put all sorts of spells adjacent to him not actually on him, turns out? Brad's a standup guy. He wants her all along. You see, the girl he was with was too high maintenance. She was basically taking over his life, letting him know what he needs to do, and it was team too much for him.

Speaker 1:

I love a teen movie. I just don't know if I love an 80s teen movie and this one was. It was okay. I love the corny music. I love the corny dance numbers, that whole gosh behind your glasses. You're such a nerd. Here's a tea.

Speaker 1:

She actually didn't change that much. Louise would never wore glasses, which is odd. She wore the same clothes. She added a tool skirt here and there she added those little kitten heels. She added some fishnets. All of a sudden she was that chick. All he needed.

Speaker 1:

All brad really wanted was, to date, the most popular girl in school. So even though she didn't put a spell on him, she still became the most popular girl in school. So, even though she didn't put a spell on him, she still became the most popular girl in school. So does he like her for her or does he like her for her status? Unfortunately, I think it is the latter. She just doesn't seem to catch on.

Speaker 1:

I kind of wonder, guys or if you're someone who watches the Disney channel with your kids or your niece and nephews, grandkids, whoever have you ever seen this film on that show? I swear I'm like 97% sure I've seen it on there, but I clearly saw it earlier in life as well. It's so weird. It's so weird, but it's the kind of weird you want in a good old fashioned teen film. Hey guys, this is Editing Jet, and I'd be remiss if I did not mention the absolute best scene in the entire movie A rap battle between dorky friend of Louise versus vanilla splice, splice, bait, splish splash.

Speaker 1:

He, splish Splash. He ain't even ice, he's not even cold as ice. This is Vanilla Lukewarm. Vanilla Lukewarm rides around with these two bohos all day and all they do is make these really whack raps. Little girl's got a crush on him so she's like okay, bet, she's talking to her friend about it as they're riding their bikes towards these three losers who are rap battling with absolutely no one. But since her homegirl's a witch, louise decides to sprinkle her with a little something. Next thing, you know, this girl jumps off her bike supersonic, I don't even know what she says, but it's good. She basically eats him alive. They go, go back and forth, back and forth. Top. That is the name of the rap. Do yourself a favor, google it, enjoy it. It is absolutely the best scene in the entire film and I really wish they had built on this girl's rap career. They don't. Eventually, by the end of the film, cinnamon Lukewarm he ain't even Vanilla ice cinema lukewarm decides that the girl who ate him alive in the street battle is worthy of his time and they have an incredibly corny dance. But if you do nothing else, if you take nothing else away from this film, that rap battle is iconic.

Speaker 1:

I'll also say this um, things don't always catch on when they should. I haven't really looked that deeply into how the film did. It seems like it would be enjoyable, though I enjoyed it. I bet I would have loved it in 1989. Yes, it's incredibly corny. Yes, it's hard to swallow.

Speaker 1:

Yes, it's unbelievable, because she didn't actually become a swan, she just used the magic. I don't think that's supposed to be the moral of the film, but that's the moral that I'm walking away with. She used what she had to create an allure about herself, thus luring the hot guy. Same exact formula as smashing your glasses off. I tell you what louise is louise, but lou Louise is no Sabrina.

Speaker 1:

Sabrina the Teenage Witch was iconic. She just took everything she learned from Clarissa Explains it All, morphed it over into Sabrina the Teenage Witch. She had two cool aunties who dressed just as her. It was amazing. She was also just much more assured of herself. I liked that. There's no need to transfer her from the dweeb to the popular girl. Just let her be. She's in her witchery era and it was fantastic. Love everything Melissa Joan Hart has ever done. All right, guys, that's it. That's all. Go ahead and join me next time as we jump back into some Skatey's soap opera debauchery In the meantime. In between time, stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Bye, thank you.