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Soaplore
Ever wondered what you missed out on before the golden age of streaming? Welcome to Soaplore, the podcast where we dive headfirst into the wonderfully over-the-top world of vintage soap operas from the 80s and 90s. I’m Jett, a TV-loving Millennial who’s finally escaping the monotony of modern shows and embracing the drama, the shoulder pads, and the catfights of yesteryear.
Join me as I experience the soapy sagas of "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Falcon Crest," and "Knots Landing" for the first time, episode by episode. With over 200 shows, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and we’ll probably question our life choices—just like the characters do, but with slightly less fabulous wardrobes.
Whether you’re a Xillenial who grew up with these iconic series, a Millennial like me who missed out the first time around, or a new fan discovering the glorious chaos of primetime soaps, "Soaplore" is your time machine to the melodramatic past. Tune in, relive the magic, and let’s marvel together at how people ever survived without binge-watching.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong, because, trust me, you’ll need it. This isn’t just nostalgia; this is Soaplore—where every episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, and nothing is ever as it seems.
Soaplore
S4 EP21 Falcon Crest: Recriminations- The" Did that Witch Just call ME a Witch?!?!!??" Episode
What happens when betrayal, revenge, and real estate collide in California wine country? The aftermath of Cole abandoning Melissa at the altar creates shockwaves through Falcon Crest that nobody could have predicted. Melissa Agretti refuses to play the victim after her public humiliation. Rather than retreating into shame, she transforms her wedding day disaster into an opportunity for reinvention – horseback riding in her couture gown alongside Craig Reardon and setting the stage for what becomes the most jaw-dropping confrontation in Falcon Crest history. When she delivers the first-ever "b*tch" to Angela Channing's face while returning her ruined wedding dress, television history is made in a moment of pure soap opera perfection. Meanwhile, the power struggle over the Giannini vineyard intensifies as Angela and Chase position themselves to control this valuable property. The unexpected arrival of Mary Giannini in a casket rather than on a private jet throws both their schemes into chaos, proving once again that in Tuscany Valley, even the dead play crucial roles in the ongoing vineyard wars. Angela's iconic declaration that her "money is old and strong like the back of my hand" reminds everyone why she remains television's most formidable matriarch. The episode delivers its most surprising wisdom through four-year-old Joseph, whose simple but profound observations about honesty and forgiveness force Cole to reconsider his actions. This leads to an unexpected physical confrontation between Cole and Greg Reardon that somehow transforms into friendship, culminating in an impromptu vineyard wedding where enemies become allies in true soap opera fashion. From Angela's symbolically split red-and-gray outfit to Richard's bizarre reaction to Lorraine's pregnancy, "Recriminations" showcases why primetime soaps of the 1980s created such devoted audiences. If you're nostalgic for the golden age of television melodrama or discovering these classics for the first time, this landmark episode demonstrates precisely why these stories continue to captivate decades later.
My money is old and strong like the back of my hand. I will introduce you to both if you try to trifle with my business. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to SoFloor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jed, viewing and reviewing the Sophia Setia's primetime storylines of 1985. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, get back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. They'll beg no questions, suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes, everyone else in air shot, cool, quiet or kicked out Period Only options you got today because we are watching our stories. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is so full. Hello party people. Welcome back to another fun, filledfilled edition of Soap Floor.
Speaker 1:I hope your day is shaping up well. I've never been better. I am on 10. I am feeling the relaxation of summer for the first time this summer. That's the thing about getting grown. You ever notice that? My mind still thinks that between May and September I should be at home, chilling, riding my bike, eating snow cones and pickles. But you know, I have to be an adult and I have to, like, do other stuff. I know I'm joking. Love being good and grown. How are y'all today? All of your day is good. I think we're in new territory. I think this is an unprecedented episode. I think this could be a landmark episode. I'm probably being dramatic because I mean, why not? Why would I watch soap operas and then keep it mellow and stick to the script? I think we're on to something, this episode, that I have never witnessed on another episode.
Speaker 1:We're going to jump into one quick little piece of fan mail. So go ahead and grab yourself something bubbly and bright, something refreshing and cool. You can also leave me fan mail or a text. We don't have to be so formal. If you're listening to this on your mobile device, check the show notes, you'll see. Send us a text and you can do just that. Unfortunately, I can't text you back, but I will acknowledge you. Emails is actually where I get the bulk of everything. So if you'd like to send an email, you can reach out to soplorepodcast at gmailcom. That is, s-o-a-p-l-o-r-e-p-o-d-c-a-s-t at gmailcom. Let's jump into. Oh, I didn't even tell you what we're watching today. We're on Falcon Crest, we're back on the West Coast. We gotta pick up the Shambles after Melissa's wedding was ruined by her fiance.
Speaker 1:Season 4, episode 21. Watch me stumble over this word. You guys know I was an accelerated reader, but I'm going to stumble through this.
Speaker 1:Recriminations is what I believe the word says Recriminations While you pour yourself something to drink or crack open a bottle or can or whatever you need to do. I'm going to Google the enunciation of this word. I believe it's recriminations. Watch out, still a macaroni. That is how you pronounce it. I'm really glad I looked it up.
Speaker 1:Recrimination an accusation in response to one from someone else. There are no tears, no recriminations. That is definitely a pre-1974 word. We need to bring that back into the fold. I really like that. Check out this. Accusations, counter accusations, counter charge, counter attacks, retaliations, quarreling, squabbling, bickering, rowing.
Speaker 1:One of the things I love about watching older films is the vocabulary. Oh listen, I don't mind a cuss here and there. You know what I'm saying, you do you? It doesn't really bother me to hear it. I may or may not always use it, but it doesn't bother me to hear it. But there is something so decadent about someone who can read you fulfilled, without ever sparking a curse word, using colorful language, waxing poetic about how absolutely deplorable you are. Anyway, I may or may not share that sentiment.
Speaker 1:On this episode, we got to get to this. I want to appreciate a quick little text. I got Nicole from Ann Arbor. She told me I could say that Says Jet, I stumbled upon your podcast late last night as I was packing my home. Thank you for getting me through the late hours. The show is hilarious. Thank you, nicole, for listening and listen. Girl, I'm glad I was able to help.
Speaker 1:I wish I could motivate myself to go into my laundry room. I need to clear out everything. I need to put things in bags. I need to donate things. It's not fun. It's literally one of my least favorite things on earth to do is to sort through everyone else's clothes and does this fit? Does this not fit? Where is this? But it's got to be done. So maybe I'll listen to myself, maybe I'll put on a couple. You know what I'll do now that I'm saying it out loud I'm going to put on the next four soap operas so I can get through that and fully enjoy it.
Speaker 1:Okay, if you listened to the previous episode, I asked you guys for a little bit of advice. I am still taking that advice. I need to make a decision. I've slept on a little bit more. Is your girl going to South Fork? No, I don't know. I don't know Really want your opinion. Anything you have to say is appreciated. One of the other stops that I will make within the next two years is have to plan it out. I am going to Falcon Crest.
Speaker 1:When I realized that this was a real vineyard, which I kind of had a hunch, but I thought I had read somewhere that this house was really in Iowa. But when I Googled it, probably earlier this week, it said yeah, there was. There used to be a whole tour. When Falcon Crest was on the air they would do tours at this particular vineyard. Apparently it's Spring Mountain Vineyard. If you're an OG, you probably already know this. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but I really think I want to check that out, especially since Chase and Maggie's home is there. Gotta go see it, all right. So when last we left there was a wedding.
Speaker 1:There was a sort of a miserable, no good day. The tragically unqualified cold. You dirty amateur brooder, habitual jaw clencher and recent topless baby oil enthusiast, twisted his face into a theatrical pout, spun on his department store heels and stormed off in a burst of high school dramatics, leaving bad girl Melly Mel alone at the altar in one of the coldest couture gowns of 1985. The absolute audacity, the absolute mortification of a moment like this bears the wrath that it does produce. Of a moment like this bears the wrath that it does produce. Now, in my mind, I'm like Melissa, melly Mel, do you really want to go through this? Do you really want to keep repeating these same patterns? To say she's pissed is not an understatement. I would say she's absolutely raging. So do you know what she does? Do you think she runs out after him? Does she chase him? Does she run crying? No, she spins on her couture heels, begins to waltz down the aisle, where she is quickly joined by the manimal.
Speaker 1:Now, this is very interesting. This is in front of everybody. Mind you, this is a church filled to the brim with people. Everybody's jaw is on the floor except Angela. Filled to the brim with people. Everybody's jaw is on the floor except Angela. God, she, just she looks like someone, like she just saw the sun for the first time. She is just smiling it's so warm, like somebody on their first day out of prison. Baby, she is unshakable. This is amazing. This is the reason she got up and got dressed that morning. This is the reason she dug out some old charcuterie board or some sort of neat barbecue kit to give to her great nephew, who she don't really care for. She put that ish on. She went to the church to watch this girl be mortified in front of God and everybody. It is a fantastic day to be Angela, big Perm, channing, but bad girl Melly.
Speaker 1:Mel is not one to wallow in sadness for very long. Okay, cool, guess what? Cole, just like that. Look who's on my shoulder? I already found somebody fresh. She decides she's not taking off that gown. She is not taking off that coachua gown. Matter of fact, manimal, go get one of your finest steeds. We're going horseback riding in my dress. I want to look like Lady freaking Godiva. I'm going to enjoy this day one way or another and I respect that. That was my third. That was my thought after.
Speaker 1:The other episode is I would still have the reception. We did not order all of this food. We did not invite all these people to sit and have a big empty room. We're going to have a party. Raise your hand if you're in the church, anybody have a kid, graduate or anything, is anybody's birthday. Did anybody not flip out on a cashier today? Perfect, that's what we're celebrating. We're going to have this party one way or another. We are on a cashier today Perfect, that's what we're celebrating. We're going to have this party one way or another. We are on a vineyard. There's tons of wine and cheese. We don't have a good time. I will handle Cole at another date and time.
Speaker 1:Well, maggie and Chase, as you can imagine, are not entertained by this foolishness. Their son has just embarrassed the family yet again. Now I'll say this I don't really have any beef with Cole, other than his kind of infantile face always scrunching up. He's very juvenile to me, but by and large he's a good guy. He doesn't really do a lot wrong. He just he kind of gets caught up. It's just. He is what the definition of can't win for losing. He's always in the wrong place at the wrong time and then he's got that temper, so it's so easy to trap him. So he runs off and he embarrasses the family.
Speaker 1:He comes stumbling into the house later that night singing at the top of his lungs. Chase and Maggie got to get up out the bed and they're pissed. You drunk nincompoop. You absolute fool, you disgrace. How dare you come stumbling in here singing all at the top of your lungs? That's reason enough to get cussed out.
Speaker 1:But on this occasion he's earned their rap, because not only did you embarrass us, you ditched your baby mama in front of your son. Your baby son watched you turn on your department store heels and sashay out of that door through a fit. He watched you throw a kindergarten fit in a church in front of his mama. Chase has had enough. He's like listen, I understand, listen, listen. Your mother and I can't stand Melissa. But we are forward thinking. We understand that we have a grandchild who is attached to her and, no matter what, we're going to make the best of that relationship, best that relationship for him and we make the best of that relationship for you. That is one thing. Not to want the girl, it's quite another to ditch her at the altar in front of your son. If nothing else, they're pissed that he has disrespected his son. Keep in mind that the reason he left Melissa at the altar in front of your son, if nothing else, they're pissed that he has disrespected his son. Keep in mind that the reason he left Melissa at the altar is because Angela told him that Melissa is barren. He's upset that she didn't tell him first. Mind you, she's already given birth to his son.
Speaker 1:I will not continue to beat this thought process home, but it seems a little bit dramatic to me personally. You know what I'm saying. It's a weird way to fly off the handle, didn't see? Seems like there's probably 150 other things underneath the surface that you really don't want to handle with her, and this was the easiest out. It's like oh my gosh, you lied to me. She didn't really lie.
Speaker 1:One could argue that maybe she was hoping for a better diagnosis. Why wouldn't she? This is a soap opera. Obviously, things can happen. She's young, she's healthy. There's many different ways to have a child, even if she can't carry it. I almost hate to admit it. This might be some of Cole's best acting. He acts so much better when he's drunk. He is breaking lamps and sweating all over the place. But hey, if this is what we need to pull out of him, I like it.
Speaker 1:Anyway, chase and Maggie push the plane home. You left everybody. You left a huge mess. You need to grow up, and you need to grow up with quickness. Go upstairs, sleep it off, wake up tomorrow and you better go and fix it. Go handle it, go be a man. Way to lay down the law, chase, he ain't got time for this. Chase is also wearing sneakers. I don't know what he was about to do. Hell, maybe he's good at it. I find it hard to believe that he is able to lace up his shoelaces that quickly at night. But you know, do you Do you in your house? None of my business that quickly at night. But you know, do you do you in your house? None of my business. Obviously, the not so Gia, birdie or Grady wedding is the talk of the town. So over at Falcon Crest, angela and the family are eating and gossiping about what the previous day's events.
Speaker 1:Angela is is iconic for so many reasons. She's a perm rock goddess. She is ruthless, she's hilarious. She is old auntie, energy, old money and a never-ending thirst for power. I have noticed that throughout the show. Usually when she goes and she puts on something red, it's about to go down. It's almost as if she's like I'm going to little orphan Annie, you awkwardly, but inside I'm a pit bull. She's a pit bull in a skirt and, for whatever reason, on this day she decided to represent her duality. Yeah Little orphan Annie, I look soft and innocent. I'm a little old lady. I'm not going to harm you. I'm going to tear you to shreds. Them a little away. I'm not going to harm you, I'm going to tear you to shreds.
Speaker 1:So she has on or this outfit. I'm still trying to decide how I like it. It's very 80s but it is very much Cruella de Vil. It is split down the middle. So it's split down the middle. You know, angela, don't play with all that. She has a collar on. Half of the dress is red floral, red and black floral with a big old bow around the neck. The other side is ice gray. What message is she conveying today? I feel like it's the start of something beautiful. Baby.
Speaker 1:It was about to go down, but other things have to be taken care of first. She's always wanting to take care of business. Number one I need you to buy me a vineyard, greg. I need you to continue seducing Melissa, greg. He's like I know.
Speaker 1:I know Lance wants to know if they've changed his venue For some reason. They don't want to hold his trial in whatever county they're in. I guess they're afraid of public opinion. They want to do it a little bit further out where he doesn't have so much of a reputation. I guess you can do that if you have enough money. I don't, I'm sure, I don't know. So Greg Reardon's got his plate full. He's like okay, okay, fine, yeah, I remember all that. I also think it's a terrible idea to let Greg Reardon be Lance's lawyer. He does not like him. They and I'm afraid I don't think these men can separate the two. I don't think we can keep business business and personal personal. I think they are intertwined.
Speaker 1:Chase and Maggie are also making plans, but not the plans. You would think they're downstairs having breakfast and I guess Chase is feeling a little more conservative today. He needs to put on a brave face, since his son embarrassed him in front of the entire county. I hate to report it, but he's only got one button undone. I can barely see his chesticles today. I don't even see any chest hair. It's a very conservative V-neck, very disappointing. Anyway, he and Maggie are chatting and he's like hey, angela's probably going to try to buy Reidman's property, but if we can talk to the Lajani, I think, is her last name we can tell her. So that land still belongs to you.
Speaker 1:Cole comes in and Chase gives him that signature lit purse like look at Maggie's son, look at that, look what the cat drug in this is where the hell you think you going. Cole makes himself a cup of coffee and then carries it to the car. He's like. You know, I got to go clean up my own mess. God, I'm so, so grateful for the invention of tumblers in these different sort of cups we have now. I like my coffee. I can't imagine having to drive and maneuver around with a cup with no lid. I couldn't do it. Rest in peace.
Speaker 1:My beautiful grandmother has gone to glory, but it always reminds me. Quick little side story. So my grandma lived really close to us and she would take us to school. Sometimes my parents worked so we would get ready. My older sister had volleyball or something, so she would have to leave before my brother and I. Well, my grandma came over and it was unseasonably cold, like there would have been some sort of ice storm and it hit us all of a sudden. So we didn't realize it, or there'd been some sort of freeze. We didn't realize. You know, we went to bed, it was cold. We woke up there was actually like ice on the porch and we had one of those longer deck style porches.
Speaker 1:So my grandmother comes over and she's in her nightgown, she has in her rollers and stuff and I don't know why her and my brother would always kind of get into it. Don't know why her, my brother, would always kind of get into it like he was always very serious about it. I could tell she was just having a little fun with him. She like he cracked her up so he'd be. You know they tell her grandma everywhere we go is old people. You're supposed to take me to mcdonald my grandma would often take like her aunt. So you can imagine my grandma was. She wasn't super old at the time. Obviously she's probably like only maybe she was like early sixties, I don't know. But her aunts were still alive. So she would take them to like the social security office, to their doctor's appointment. She was very much being like their niece.
Speaker 1:Except my brother was young enough to where he wasn't in school yet or was like. You know we only would just go half a day, so sometimes he'd be with her. He did not enjoy her festivities. They were very, very old lady. Me, on the other hand, I enjoyed them. I had a good time running around with these old people. But one time she bought him like he said you're supposed to take me to mcdonald's. You never take me anywhere. It's always old people and she'd be like, just deal with it. So she bought him a corn dog one time and he just like threw his body back and stiffened his legs and he'd let the corn dog roll it to the floor. So they kind of had that relationship and she was like, take it up and eat it. So they kind of go back and forth all the time.
Speaker 1:Well, on this particular morning it's icy outside. I think I went out first. I was like whoa, whoa, it's slippery, but I was able to kind of figure it out soon enough. My brother comes out, I help him off the porch, we go sit in my grandma's car so we can see the porch from the car, and she's inside pouring herself a hot cup of coffee so she can take her grandkids to school. Mind you, picture all this in a regular daggler nightgown, not like a silky fun one, just like a regular t-shirt, one that like hits you at the knees. She's wearing regular slippers. She was fine with it. They used to live in denver before they lived in texas. So she comes outside and she's holding a cup of coffee. Next thing, you know, her legs fly from underneath her. She spills the coffee everywhere, she falls down like the three rolled down the window.
Speaker 1:And he just you better not have broke my mom's coffee cup. Oh my god, we laughed about that for years. He didn't give a damn about her back. You better not have broke my mom's coffee cup. Oh geez, that was hilarious. But that was my first thought as Cole left the house. You better not break that damn coffee cup, bring it back. But you know, when he's going to handle business, business, he needs to go and make amends, or so we think.
Speaker 1:Only he goes to melissa's house to act a teetotal fool. He comes tearing through her home, picking up paper, storming off up, running up and down the steps. I can't trust you. You weren't honest with me. She's like dude, what are you talking about? You can't have any babies. She's like wow, really, what's that downstairs, what's that in the nursery in there? She's like it wasn't that.
Speaker 1:I didn't tell you, I just didn't know if this was a final thing. I just I even went and got checked out to see what my options are like. I didn't not tell you. I just you know, I wanted, I wanted to bring it to you once I knew all the information, once I had the answers. You know what I'm saying. I hadn't tried to have a baby.
Speaker 1:He's still brooding, he's bumping off, he's snatching stuff out of their room and she goes. You know what? You know what? Not marrying you is the best thing that may have ever happened to me, I agree, and he walks out. Side note Melissa's house is fantastic. I've never seen the downstairs before today. It is beautiful. But once he leaves she's so angry she starts tearing up the room, just destroying everything. Well, tearing up the bed really Lies on the bed and kind of chuckles to herself. I'm a bubbly baddie, I'm a bubbly baddie. I'm a bubbly baddie of chuckles to herself. I'm a bubbly baddie, I'm a bubbly baddie, I'm a bubbly baddie.
Speaker 1:Cole is so juvenile. This relationship is so toxic. Do you know? He's not actually grabbing things of value. This is how I know he's a child. He bursts in, he grabs his records, he grabs like his little league trophy. He's going around the house grabbing tchotchkes and little trinkets and stuff. He didn't even get a bag like a grown man. I think she did the right thing During the argument.
Speaker 1:It is worth noting, and it's very important to the storyline that he expresses, that it sucked to be the last person to know that she couldn't have kids. But it sucked even more to hear from Angela Channing. And in his mind, hearing that his wife can't have or his wife-to-be can't have children from Angela Channing is on par or equivalent to being left at the altar in front of the entire valley. In his mind I am declaring henceforth and forevermore I hate this relationship. I hate it. Move on. Mellie Reardon ain't the one, lance ain't the one. I'm sure they're going to bring in some hot to trot hottie in the next season or two. I need her to move on. I don't like this at all.
Speaker 1:I guess Cole wants to get back to nature. He needs to ground himself, touch a little earth. He decides that he and Joseph are going to go on a fishing trip. So he comes down the stairs looking like Wilson from Home Improvement and he's got Joseph in a very similar getup. Joseph is remarkable Best actor on the show as far as I'm concerned. First millennial, millennial, I don't care. Kid is quite brilliant and I'd like to pepper that scene with a few more adjectives because it's. Sometimes it takes a little kid to get to you. So Cole and Joseph are on Silver Lake, or whatever lake beautiful. They're fishing and Joseph's like.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if this is your first time watching, listening to the program, thank you so much. I hope you enjoy yourself. I hope you find a home here. My name is Jet. I'm an elder millennial watching these shows for the very first time.
Speaker 1:So when I review a show, understand that I have not seen the rest of the seasons. I've only gone as far as we are Like. Yesterday I watched Falcon Crest and I watched Dallas, all on the same day. So I may flub a detail here or two. I may make some predictions. Sometimes I'm right and then sometimes I'm really really wrong.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I take creative liberties with a scene, but what I'll never do is lie to you about a scene. I might pepper it with adjectives, but I will never make up something. I used to do something called Superlore Theater, and today is a little bit like that. So here's a scene. Cole, dressed like Wilson from Home Improvement, is sitting on a rock talking to his child, who is one of the most brilliant actors ever on television. He's a baby genius. He steals every scene. He's in Very serious type.
Speaker 1:I like to think that baby Joseph maybe runs a small business on the side, perhaps he has a chain of newspaper stands all over the county. I really don't know. But what I do know is baby Joseph bore witness to his mother's humiliation. He put on a penguin suit. He had his father pin his corsage on him. He said please don't crush these flowers. I got plans for these later. And what does his dad do? He stomps on his mother's heart instead, crushes her like a butt. So Joseph was like yo listen. I understand, father, that things happen in life, but I'm going to bless you with a little wisdom. You see, I'm four years old and I'm like four years old.
Speaker 1:When did Joseph become four years old? He's four years old and I guess sometimes at pre-K he goes through, he gets in different squabbles, he has different situations that come up and he has to navigate that with the wisdom that has been bestowed on him and he's like look daddy, I've made some mistake in my day. The past is the past. I've made some mistake in my day. The past is the past. If I could go back I would correct it. But if I don't know anything else, I know broads and I know my mother. He says Dad, why did you and mommy have a really hard time being honest with each other? Joseph's like yeah, okay, I get that. I get that.
Speaker 1:Honesty is a very tricky, very touchy thing. It touches your heart. You know what I'm saying. Not everybody is equipped to handle that, even me myself personally. Years ago I told a lie. I lied. Cody said it kind of sounded like he said eight years ago, and his dad's like you're only four. He's like yeah, but I lied. You know what I'm saying. I wasn't honest when I had the opportunity to be honest. Does that mean you're going to leave man? And he's like damn, nah, nah, nah, I guess I wouldn't. I guess I won't leave you. Joseph said listen, kiss and make up. Make it right, father, make it right. Go talk to my mother, kiss and make up, and also, please don't ever play in her face again, because there will be consequences. I added that part in, I peppered it. That did not happen. So there I go.
Speaker 1:But the essence of this scene is so interesting that from the mouth of babes, a child's point of view, you're going to leave us if she tells one lie, really Like you've never lied before, crushing Cole's heart a little bit, probably thinking dang, my son is watching me be unyielding and unforgiving with his mom. That's probably going to have some consequences if I don't make good on this right now. Plus, he has to know. By this point his argument is flimsy at best. Did she lie or did she not tell you? Do you think she, as a woman who loves you, who loves what you have, who loves the family that you are creating, do you think that she's not considering these things? It's just so different than having a full-on affair. It's just a ridiculous argument. But because he has such a wise little boy, cole sees the error in his ways and he's like you know what I'm going to do. Just that thing, I'm going to do that very thing. Don't even worry about it. Joseph's like good dude, I know you had it in you.
Speaker 1:Ah yes, bad girl Melly Mel. She's got a lot of things in her. I've always thought that she and Angela are two peas in the pod. We're just witnessing a younger version of Angela and I think that kind of gets under her skin. I think it bugs her to the core. But Angela did her due diligence. She had busy day, day previous. She ruined a lot of lives, so at this point, what's one more? So Angela and her Cruella de Vil blouse is minding her business. She's poking the fire at her house when Charlie announces that Melissa has arrived. Melissa would like to visit with you, angela.
Speaker 1:Now, angela, knowing she ruined this girl's wedding, is like hey, boo-boo, what you doing here. She's really just gleaming and is like God, you look terrible. Why don't you sit down and have a glass of tea with me? Baby, what's going on? I am so surprised you showed your face after that fiascoco. But you know what baby girl I'm, you know, I know that's my nephew, but I just I'm glad you know now what kind of person he is.
Speaker 1:Melissa is playing it cool, she's. Oh my god. Thank you so much for your sympathies. I had no idea. No idea you cared about me so much. And she's like of course I care. Melissa's like you care about me or you care about my grapes. And angela's like don't, girl, don't be ridiculous. I was doing you a favor. I wanted you to see what type of person Cole and the Gia Birdies are. Is that really the family you want to be mixed up with? Is that really the type of person you want to do business with. So it makes a little more sense now why she would be so ruthless. I thought she was just being hateful because she cried two tears. Somebody had to pay for it. She wanted Melissa to be humiliated publicly so that she didn't jump back in bed with the Giaverdes, metaphorically when it comes to her harvest.
Speaker 1:So Angela is playing Monopoly here. She wants to buy up all the adjacent land to have an even bigger dynasty at some point. The Rebman property is in her mind. She just has to buy it from the Gianni people. Now, as far as they're saying I guess the mother was sick, gianni, I'm getting this all mixed up. Miss Gianni is sick. Her daughter's going to show up a little bit later, I guess, to take care of business. Nobody knows that just yet. I could have sworn. All this happened on the last episode. That's what I get for watching them so close together. I got to space them out a little bit. Back to Melly Mel. So Angela's like girl. I just hope you can recover. You know what I'm saying. I hope you something.
Speaker 1:So it's this big giant white box. I wish I could remember what I thought it might be. I think I had a suspicion that it was her wedding dress, but that's exactly what it is. Melissa is so poised she is channeling Sue Ellen this entire time. She's poised. She's got her little Chanel suit on, okay, yeah. Well, you care about me, not my grapes, and you did me a favor. I got it. I thought of you too, angela. So Angela opens a box and it is her wedding dress. Melissa's like. I thought you would really enjoy this. You can put it in your trophy case. It's what's left of my wedding dress. And here we go, people. It's what's left of my wedding dress. You bitch.
Speaker 1:Is this the first time somebody has been called all the way out their name on this show? Yes, is this the first time on any of the four shows that we're watching right now that anyone has been called a B-A-Ha? I think it is. Ladies and gentlemen, it took to 1985. Well, okay, hold on, I don't know if that's true. True, I got a little bit ahead of myself. Yes, I'm watching these. I've always watched nine to see dallas and falcon crest at the same time. Falcon crest is a last in the race. They didn't actually start filming until 1981, dynasty or, excuse me, 1982 or 1981, dynasty started probably recording. It aired like the very end of the year. Dallas and Knox Landing had been on for about three years at that point. So it is very possible that someone else gets called a biatch at another point in time. But this is my first time in something like 200 episodes hearing anybody be called a bich.
Speaker 1:Angela does not take it well. She kind of oh, she gets huffy and puffy and oh my. But it's that kind of frustration where you can't really do anything because Melissa's already sashayed off. She can't say anything but she just kind of balls up the dress and throws it in the fire. Reminds me like when I was a kid and you get in trouble. You ever get in trouble and maybe your mom or dad really irritated you. So you go in your room. You like pantomime this whole argument. You rage, whisper and throw around non-destructive things like pillows and teddy bears and t-shirts and stuff, lest you make noise and come in there and get your butt whooped. That's what big Angie does. She can't believe this. Hot roller. Heifer came in here and disrespected the perm rod goddess in her home. I don't want this little cheap floozy dress. Threw it in the fire, burn, baby burn. You know what I fear. I think Melissa might rue the day for that little stunt.
Speaker 1:The next scene we see Angela and she's back to her bully. She is in a red dress with polka dots all over and she is face to face with her arch nemesis. The other curly haired person on the show, although he's kind of blow drying his hair out now, the aviator, adonis, is looking at her all out the side of her eye. He is big pissed. Big piss that she ruined his son's wedding. Let the record reflect his son ruined his son's wedding.
Speaker 1:I guess chase is doing some sort of inventory and he sees andy is like well, well, well, helping yourself to our stash. Eh, she's like uh, yeah, I own it, we own. It must be nice. One of us has to work, since you're so busy meddling with other people's business. Cole told me what happened? You wrong for that, auntie, you're wrong for that. She said please, I have so many other things to do than meddle with your crybaby ken doll son's life. Jay says listen, I'll admit I've never been a fan of Melissa, but I feel like you only did it to metal with her harvest. She goes oh, I ain't worried about that. He goes well, don't try anything else, because I made your business my business.
Speaker 1:I know you want that Giannini property. I keep messing up these names. The Giannini property, that was the one Reedman had stolen. And she's like listen, don't play with me, little boy. My money is old and strong like the back of my hand. I will introduce you to both.
Speaker 1:If you try to trifle with my business, chase is like yeah, okay, well, I don't have to trifle with anything, I'm just going to put a little bug in Mary Giannini's ear. Tell her guess what baby you were robbed. You don't have to sell a daggone thing. He's standing there all smug and she's like oh yeah, you look real cute. It's real cute. We'll see. We'll see. At the end of the day, we're going to see who wants what. Who ends up with what. Remember, you're new to this. I'm true to this, and Angela's mine.
Speaker 1:I'm muddying the details of the last episode and what I know happens on this one, but she does not seem to be concerned about this property. It's as good as sold, as far as she knows. Cole's like you know what? We'll just see. I talked to Mary. She's going to be in town tomorrow. We're going to get it all worked out.
Speaker 1:It really pisses off Angela. She storms back into the house. I cannot believe my nephew is so just disrespectful. I've been so disrespected People calling me out my names. My nephew is defending his son, like back in my day when an old lady cussed you out and embarrassed you and ruined your wedding and ruined your son's life. You just took it. Kids nowadays don't have no, they don't have no koofs. They don't have no home training. They do not know how to take an l properly. She is super pissed.
Speaker 1:She goes back to the house and, of course, greg reardon just happens to be loitering. She's like you need to get your stuff together, greg. Aren't you supposed to be working on a trial? Aren't you supposed to be buying property and crap for me? Go get your stuff together, get on, go get. He leaves the house and she angrily shuffles paper. While on his way out he sees aunt terry going down the hill walking her horse.
Speaker 1:I don't know why there's so many animals in this episode. Was ralph lauren popping at this point? Because everybody's in polo boots and and those big bows or whatnot? Anyway, greg reardon, I guess he sees her from behind. He pulls up to her. He's like hey, sweet thing, what's that baby girl, what you, what you, what you trying to do? Trying to have dinner with a play again, ladies and gentlemen, I am taking creative liberties. That's basically what he said. So she's like absolutely not me and this horse. I'm gonna continue to walk this horse like a dog, because horses need that. I guess. She spins on her heels and she leaves. I don't really even know why she was in this episode, it was just a little splash of her. Let's move ahead because the good things are coming up.
Speaker 1:So eventually Melissa, heart sick, very pissed off, decides I am a bubbly baddie. I am the bubbly baddie on this show. Terry could never, angela could never. I am the baddie on this show and I'll be damned if I'm going to be outdone. So she calls up Reardon once he's done running his errands for the day and she's like it's night. I could really use a friend.
Speaker 1:So he wakes up, he comes over to the house. He's really thinking things are going to pop off. But they spend the entire night in front of a fire in her pajamas, him and his bugle boy jeans, and non-broken in boots, and they make a pallet on the floor and they talk the entire night. They read each other's hearts and minds. Actually, that's not true. It's very one-sided.
Speaker 1:Melissa waxes poetic about all of the things she and Cole have been through, all the fun times and eating ice cream with Joseph, and it's those moments that are precious to you because you're sharing them with someone else, but the general population doesn't really care. No one cares how cute you think your toddler is when he crawls in the bed with well, actually, I do, as I say that that is really cute, but no one cares that cole wrinkles his nose every time he smells dial soap, or that he's slightly allergic to peanut butter, and sometimes, when he pisses you off, you put a little peanut oil in the spaghetti and things like that just to keep him on his toes. Creative liberties, creative liberties in lieu of an example. Well, while they're talking, cole, who's been chastised, reprimanded and rebuilt by his son, shows up. He has come to make amends. He thinks that, you know, not only did I leave this girl at the altar, I've gone fishing. So I smell like swamp things and outside, let me go push up on Melissa and see if she'll, you know, hook back up with me, even though I smell like outside. So he shows up at the worst possible time very early the next morning.
Speaker 1:Melissa's in her gown, so things aren't looking great. He looks past her and he sees Reardon. And then he sees Red. I can't even believe. He goes running in lunging at Reardon and these two brooding, bubbly blonde boy bombshells come to fisticuffs. They're swinging, they're breaking, they're crashing into Melissa's fine furniture, destroying antiques. Family air moves are all over the floor. It's a wreck. It's a terrible, awful, horrible mess. They're punching each other, boom pow, boom, boom pow.
Speaker 1:I'm saying all this and it sounds like this is a long fight. They don't have the stamina. I'm going to tell you that Now, boarding school did not do either one of them any favors. Now, I thought Cole was from New York. I was quite disappointed at his lack of stamina After they had crashed everything out. Melissa's like you know what, oh my God, she sees the light. Hey, ladies, that's enough. They stopped fighting and they're actually both quite relieved that the fight has stopped because they're both winded. She's like you know. Both of y'all are pathetic. Clean up this ish and get out of my house.
Speaker 1:She goes upstairs to get dressed. Well, while she goes upstairs and they're catching their breath, reardon is like yo. You're not gonna believe me, but I promise you absolutely nothing happened. Note that my bugle boy jeans are still buckled, I'm still wearing a belt, my boots are on for crying out loud. Literally nothing happened.
Speaker 1:We spent the entire night talking about your peanut allergies and inability to use strongly scented soaps. Melissa loves you, melissa wants you, and you'd be a complete and teetotal fool to walk away from her. Now I'm going to be a gentleman, mostly because I'm tired, but also because I'm British. I'm going to give you the opportunity to go upstairs and make good with your lady love, because she wants you and she loves you. But if you fumble the bag, please believe I'm going to pick that up. Either you get her or I'm going to go upstairs and take her down. You need to figure this out. I'm going to take her from you or you can go up there and redeem yourself, and I'll be damned if they don't forge some sort of a friendship. So much so that by the end of this episode, cola and Melissa decide to have an impromptu shotgun wedding right there at the Falcon Crest Vineyards.
Speaker 1:And do you know who serves as quote unquote best man or second bestest man? I guess Joseph's best man, reardon. Reardon shows up and they're all buddy buddy. It's so weird how quickly things move on a soap opera, like I know. You know all buddy buddy. It's so weird how quickly things move on a soap opera, like I know you know. On daytime it takes quite a while for one storyline to kind of push through. But on nighttime, listen we was in love on episode three. I got pregnant. On episode seven Toxic shock syndrome. By episode 12. Divorcing you by episode 15. By episode 20, episode 12, divorcing you by episode 15. By episode 20, I am engaged to someone else. It moved like that. They hated each other. Episode 10, episode 21,. You are my best man.
Speaker 1:Maggie and Chase and baby Joseph are looking at each other at the side of the eye like I can't believe we got dragged into this bull again. I can't. They break up and make up. I bet they desperately want to say could you please put me on your don't call list? Could you please Can I opt out of this email? The next time y'all fall in and out of love, please don't call me. Please don't call me.
Speaker 1:Maggie was clearly on her medication this whole time because she had zoned the F out. It was time for the rings and reardon was supposed to have him. He's patting his you know camel colored cashmere blazer and they look over to maggie and maggie's just kind of in my mind. She's singing phil caw, she's I can feel it coming in the air maggie, oh no, maggie, hmm, lorraine, oh yes, yes, here, yes, pulls it out of pocket, passes it to joseph. Maggie, get it together, lay off the wine, lay off the mommy juice. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Do you remember how last episode angela goes? She tells Richard that Lorraine is pregnant. Well, richard is taking it the same way.
Speaker 1:Cole took the lack of pregnancy and its abilities and its hope for the future. He takes it the same way. Richard does not take it. Well, so Lorraine's pouring him a glass of milk how juvenile. And he flips out, he slaps it out of her hand. You're pregnant. How are you not going to tell her you're pregnant? How are you not gonna tell you're pregnant?
Speaker 1:I have to say this I've always thought richard behaved. He had a lot of mannerisms of like an 80 year old man. I believe irl, he is about that age, so it probably it fits now, but it is peculiar in these scenes if he doesn't have some sort of psychosis. I can't really tell if he's talking to Gollum on his shoulder or if there's some weird puppet that he can see. He moves like a person who is trying to be normal, but he can't quite get there. Anyway, he's raging and very upset at Lorraine, so much so that he kicks her out. He says go home, pack your teams, you gotta go, you can't be in my home anymore.
Speaker 1:He is so devastated by the news of her having this baby that he's losing focus like this is your kid. This is someone, this is one of the few people who loves you and loves you unconditionally. By my account, I can't think of anyone else on the show who feels that way for him. Now, pam obviously cares for him, but she knows that she is disposable and she's tried her best to be. Like Richard, do you want to push this girl away or do you want her around? It's an interesting take. If you look at Richard and you look at Cole. They're both mad at women they love over a child or the ability to carry a child. In the grand scheme of things, what they're trying to accomplish and what they're not trying to accomplish, it seems so trivial. In all honesty, if Richard wants to continue to destroy Lance, he could do so. It's kind of a moot point now. But he could. There's no reason to destroy the relationship with this girl. Let Lance go to jail. Let him spend a little time. Yeah, you can keep spending it. She can be upset. I think you can get over that at some point. But you're kicking this baby girl out because she's pregnant. Oh, she's also Lance's fiance. He asked her to marry him. So there's that Last little piece of business.
Speaker 1:The Giannini property is now the source of tension between Chase and Angela, so everybody's back to being enemies. Richard is still Douglas's bastard, so Angela's always going to despise him. She's pissing him extra on this season because he is trying to frame Lance for her almost murder, knowing that it was really Florida man Joel. Chase and Angela are always battling over power. He feels aware about her ruining everything he does basically. So he tries. His plan is to intercept that vineyard, the Giannini Vineyard, before Angela can do it. Or at least, if he doesn't get it, he wants Mary to keep it. It's not that he wants the grapes, he just doesn't want Angela to win. So you start to see, even though he's not admitting it, he's got a little bit of a villain brewing in him.
Speaker 1:I think that's how it starts. Maybe you feel like you have beef with just one person. Then, before you know it, everybody's your enemy. So he had made plans, he and Maggie, to meet with Mary. She was going to fly in on a PJ, only they're standing at the airport waiting and it's a small plane, so there's only like seven people on it. They don't see her come out. They're like what the hell's going on?
Speaker 1:A young lady comes up to them and she's like hey, are you chasing Maggie? The hell's going on. A young lady comes up to them and she's like hey, are you chasing maggie? Yeah, I'm, I'm mary's daughter. Oh, where's your mama? Tell me why. She is in a whole casket, dead. Y'all gone. And we're like, oh, okay, well, that didn't work out, did it? So, uh, yeah, this becomes very awkward. The daughter explains that, yeah, mom was fine, like yesterday morning. Now she's dead. I guess it's 1985.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you need an autopsy, so she's going to be buried, and I figured, since she was already on her way here irony, uh, we might as well have a little quick little funeral. You guys? You guys want to have a little quick little funeral. You guys want to have a funeral real quick, then maybe we can grab some lunch. And they're like oh sure, of course. So the plan is a little bit muddled at this point. Angela and Chase or I think Angela thought she was going to buy it from that lady, from Mary. Chase thought he could intercept that with a conversation and be like hey, you were robbed, you don't actually have to sell it, you can go back to your house and live happily ever after. Only she did so.
Speaker 1:There is a burial and Chase and Maggie have to go home and change and put on something respectable. They can't show up in all these bright colors. Angela don't give a damn. She shows up after the burial because she's already been to a wedding. It was ruined. We're not doing three major life events this week. Sorry, it's not happening. So she shows up right after the burial, right after all the hard work is. She shows up in her supervillain car and she's like hey girl, hey Connie, you remember me. Baby, I'm so sorry to hear about your mama. Listen, listen, I'd love to help you out. Why don't you come down to the house? We'll have a little lunch, a little tea and we'll talk about your mama.
Speaker 1:Fully enjoyed this episode. I was so excited to tell y'all about the biatch part, but I don't know if it comes up on these other episodes because I haven't seen them yet. I will say, though, there seems to be a lot of fist fighting or backbiting on all the shows that I've watched and I am loving it. That's it. That's all, folks. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Falcon Crest. I think we're gonna go ahead and keep it on the west coast. I believe Knott's Landing is up next. So join me for that as we jump back into soap opera debauchery In the meantime, in between time, hey, take a little time out and listen to a four-year-old. He might be wise now in his years. He might threaten you, he might threaten to take out your knees if you disrespect his mother, but he always and I mean always has a point Very insightful for a 48-year-old in a 48-month-old's body. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Thank you, bye.