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Soaplore
Ever wondered what you missed out on before the golden age of streaming? Welcome to Soaplore, the podcast where we dive headfirst into the wonderfully over-the-top world of vintage soap operas from the 80s and 90s. I’m Jett, a TV-loving Millennial who’s finally escaping the monotony of modern shows and embracing the drama, the shoulder pads, and the catfights of yesteryear.
Join me as I experience the soapy sagas of "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Falcon Crest," and "Knots Landing" for the first time, episode by episode. With over 200 shows, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and we’ll probably question our life choices—just like the characters do, but with slightly less fabulous wardrobes.
Whether you’re a Xillenial who grew up with these iconic series, a Millennial like me who missed out the first time around, or a new fan discovering the glorious chaos of primetime soaps, "Soaplore" is your time machine to the melodramatic past. Tune in, relive the magic, and let’s marvel together at how people ever survived without binge-watching.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong, because, trust me, you’ll need it. This isn’t just nostalgia; this is Soaplore—where every episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, and nothing is ever as it seems.
Soaplore
S4 EP22 Falcon Crest: House Divided-The"Douglas's Bastard's Shirttail Relatives' Bastard" Episode
The wine-soaked drama of Falcon Crest reaches new heights of delicious deception in Season 4, Episode 22, "A House Divided," where family loyalties are tested and mysterious newcomers harbor dangerous secrets.
Fresh from their Tahiti honeymoon, Cole and Melissa return to Falcon Crest only for their marital bliss to be tested by old insecurities about children. Meanwhile, Angela Channing demonstrates her masterful manipulation skills with pregnant Lorraine, making it painfully clear she cares only about securing another heir to the Falcon Crest dynasty. When Lorraine realizes she's merely a vessel for Angela's dynastic dreams, she stages a confrontation at lunch—though her choice to dump salad on a shrimp cocktail rather than execute the classic soap opera drink-throw leaves something to be desired in the drama department.
The episode delivers a thrilling surprise for viewers as we discover the mysterious advertising executive Cassandra Wilder and her brother Damon (played by Jonathan Frakes, who would later become famous as Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Generation) are harboring some connection to Angela's past involving a mysterious fire. Their scheming to use Richard as a way to get to Angela hints at a revenge plot simmering beneath the surface. When Angela finally comes face-to-face with Cassandra, she experiences an eerie sense of recognition, setting up what promises to be a shocking revelation.
Chase demonstrates his own strategic prowess by convincing Connie Giannini to embrace her family heritage rather than sell her vineyard to Angela, thereby thwarting his aunt's expansion plans. Meanwhile, Terry breaks free from Richard's manipulation when she realizes his possible involvement in framing Lance, though her independence doesn't extend to her romantic pursuits, as she continues pursuing the politically ambitious prosecutor despite his clear message that she's not "governor's wife material."
Have you noticed how Falcon Crest's storylines are growing increasingly bold and audacious this season? Share your thoughts about this episode and your predictions for the season finale by sending me a text or leaving a review!
So once again I get to see all of his chesticles. Let's keep Falcon Crest. Come here, come here, come, come talk to me, come here. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to SoClor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. I'm your host, jess, still viewing and previewing this. Sophie is Stubbsiest primetime storyline from 1985.
Speaker 1:We are back on the West Coast still doing the absolute most. So, whether you're new to this or new to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. Tell them there's no questions, suggestions or concerns, everyone else in earshot. Be cool, be quiet or you will be kicked out. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is SoFloor. Hello, gorgeous. Welcome back to another fun-filled of snow floor. I hope your day is shaping up, while mine is fantastic.
Speaker 1:We are back on the west coast watching a little bit of falcon crafts. I got a tiny bit of fan mail that I want to read to you. We discuss different seasons. I hope I sound a little bit better. I've actually been down. I managed to catch a summer cold. Isn't that the most bizarre thing? Awfully frustrating. I'm sure it's just allergies trying to settle themselves. But I thought you know what I'm feeling. Good, let me jump on this here microphone and let's talk about this show because it is warming up Falcon Crest. I always know that they're going to turn out a wonderful season. They did something a little bit different this season. With it being so long, I think this is the third or fourth storyline. I'm still expecting a bang by the end, but this is a little bit unprecedented for this show, as far as I can remember. I fully expected this season to be all about Indiana Chase and the Vineyards of Doom, but that storyline has gone and went and technically, if you look at the shows we watched today, they had an entire next season without that storyline. Go ahead and grab yourself something bubbly and bright as we jump into season four, episode 22,. As we jump into season four, episode 22 of Falcon Crest called A House Divided.
Speaker 1:Falcon Crest is not winning any points for originality when it comes to these titles, but I think that's on trend for all of these shows. None of the titles are all that exciting. I guess they're like hey, do you want a good storyline or do you want a fancy schmancy title? You right, you right, storyline or do you want a fancy schmancy title? You write, you write. Okay, this piece of fan mail comes from him in fresno. I'm telling you, west coast. I feel like most of the falcon crust fans are on the west coast.
Speaker 1:Now, before I read this, I'll have to write her back to figure out what episode she's referring to. There's some generalities in here and I do want to kind of talk about her point, but I'm assuming this is towards the end of season two of Falcon Crest, maybe the early parts of season three. I'm not really sure. Hi, jed, I just had to write you after listening to the last episode because, yes, the Aviator Adonis is an absolute smoke show. Now that could be any episode.
Speaker 1:I think I say that a lot. I used to have the biggest crush on him. That smirk, that swagger, he could absolutely fly me anywhere anytime. Yes, kim, she goes as far as Falcon Crest goes. I actually loved it from beginning to end. Sure, they shuffle the cast around a little bit, but that's part of the charm. The later seasons have their own flavor and I think they deserve more love. I think this whole show deserves more love. Keep doing what you do, jet. You're bringing back memories and making new ones every episode. Thank you so much, kim. I really appreciate that and I have to agree with you.
Speaker 1:First off, yes, robert Foxworthy is Foxworthy, he's gorgeous and he's a phenomenal actor at least on here I can tell too. He's another one. I think I've said this before. He's definitely a thespian. He's from the stage and they just they're a little bit different on screen. You can sort of tell. It sort of jumps out at you a little stronger than your regular Hollywood actors. It's just a little bit different.
Speaker 1:But when I I can't remember what year it probably was a couple summers ago when I was recording the show, I was on Facebook a little bit, had to be very careful, still managed to not get any spoilers. But with the Falcon Crest group group there seems to be two distinct camps. There's people who feel like it stopped being good around season three. Maybe there's three different camps. People seem to think around season three, some people say as late as season six, it was fine. And then there's people who were like no, no, no, it was perfect the whole way through, beginning to end. I think that's par for the course, wouldn't you agree? Any show that's going to have a long run, sometimes they go through those seasons where they're just not as interesting as others. But I'm thinking specifically now of, like Walking Dead, if that's your thing.
Speaker 1:I hate gore, but I did end up watching it, started watching it probably around season four, and you know what. Some seasons are more exciting, some seasons aren't. But I really do think it depends on when you start watching something. For instance, like me, I came in on season four. I enjoyed it up until I stopped watching it. Honestly, I didn't really think a one season was better than the other. Well, you know, things can't always stay the same. Think, oh, one season was better than the other. Well, you know, things can't always stay the same. Sometimes things are exciting because they're new. Sometimes things are less exciting because the people you like aren't there anymore. That's just life. I'm excited to watch this all the way through. We're on season four, we're almost to the end.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say this season was boring at all, not even a little bit. As a matter of fact, I would say this across the board, except Knott's Landing, because I think Knott's Landing's their formula is a little bit different, but they are upping the ante. I think the storylines are getting more and more bold, they're more audacious, they're um, the jaw drops are a little bit harder. I think, all well. Dallas Dynasty and Falcon Crest are just getting better and better. As far as Knott better as far as Knott's Landing goes. Yeah, knott's Landing goes. It's on season three. I thought it was good from the beginning, but it's a different formula. These are just people living their everyday lives, so as their lives change, things are going to get better. But yeah, would I say season three of Knott's Landing is better than season one? Yes, I would, but none of them suck. What's your opinion, guys?
Speaker 1:You can send a text via the show notes. There is a little link if you're listening to this on your mobile device. There's a little link that says send us a text. Or you can send me an email at soflorpodcast at gmailcom that's S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at gmailcom. And I know a few of the other platforms, I think, like Deezer and some of those.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you can just leave a comment. It just takes a while for me to see it. So if you do send me a text, I'll go. I'll respond to you always, and if you were waiting on your fan mail to be read, it will. I just try to match them up now a little bit better to the episode. So if you're a Dynasty fan, I want to read it on Dynasty. If you're a Dallas fan, I want to read it on that. Or if you just have a general statement or some really interesting tea, I tend to read those just on any episode. All right, y'all, let's go ahead and jump into this one, because your girl got a little bit of a blast from the past. A little surprise, we got a new hottie on falcon crest.
Speaker 1:Season 4, episode 22 house divided. I think house divided is a common title across all platforms, so I'm pretty sure that's a play somewhere. Per usual, we are going to start with the bit players, and on this episode we've got a few. We're sliding into the end of the season, so of course everyone is going to get a little bit more screen time. Seems like they're folding in on some of the stories just to kind of get them out of the way so they can focus on the bigger ones. But this storyline is what it is.
Speaker 1:Melissa and Cole you know they just had that shotgun wedding after he walked out of their real wedding. Now they're in marital bliss. They are chilling in Tahiti, eating fruit, rubbing oil all over one another, deciding what they're going to do, which is a whole lot of nothing, a whole lot of loving on each other, smiling in each other's face, just being sickeningly sweet and a little bit obnoxious. So they take this love bubble and they shout out to Teresa Giudice. They take this love bubble and they push it out. They go. That does not sound good.
Speaker 1:They go to a looks like a bar, just something off of the water. You know, one of those little dives where you go in and you eat the local fish, have a good time, drink beers or whatever, and they're just. You're so pretty, oh you're so pretty, oh, you're so gorgeous. Melissa, I love you, oh, I love you too. Cole, I like your skirt. It's not a skirt, it's a Peru. Oh, my goodness, we're so beautiful. Man at the bar is rolling his eyes. All he wanted to do was come in and have a good drunk. Now he's got to listen to these two fools.
Speaker 1:So a little girl walks over to the table she's holding, like this basket of flowers, and she's like hi, sir, would you like to buy a flower for your beautiful lady? I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when this child was auditioning for this role. I know, like I know, like I know, she was in that bathroom mirror at her house every night reciting these four or five lines. She killed it Growing up a boom Baptist. I used to have an Easter speech, baby. I was the first one who memorized it. I couldn't wait. Oh, and I felt that energy from her. Cole and Melissa are equally as impressed, like, oh my gosh, you're so sweet.
Speaker 1:What is your name, little girl? Cole asked her Sue, again, falcon cruz. No originality points. Sue Were girls named Sue in the 1980s. That feels like a 60s name. Let me mind my business. So Sue presents the assortment of flowers to Cole and he's rustling through and he says Sue, do you live in the village? She says yes, my father is a fisherman, as in yeah, I'm local, my dad fishes, so yeah, I live here. She doesn't say hey, where are you, two crazy kids from? She don't say all that. Cole says, well, you're awfully cute. How would you like to come home with us and be our little girl? Gen x, millennials I don't know about z.
Speaker 1:I feel like I've talked to kids and my kids about stranger danger. They just don't seem that interested in people outside of themselves. So it doesn't seem to be as big as a problem. But when we were kids, stranger danger, the man in the white van. You do not take candy from strangers. You do not go in people's houses, you don't know.
Speaker 1:Okay, you walk everywhere in a group. You walk each other home. That was in a group. You walk each other home. That was our whole thing. You walk each other home. We would plan our route so that we could, you know, like, say, we were going to the park, you'd make a big circle, everybody had one person to walk with.
Speaker 1:Let's say, like you lived on the outskirts or you were a little further out. The group would, one by one, drop each other off because you're walking in a group. And when you the last two people got to the second, to last person's home, their parent would drive them back home, like you did not go anywhere by yourself. But then, at the same time, how many places did we go by ourselves? It was such a weird time. So me growing up, it was so weird because, yes, it was still a weird time. So me growing up, it was so weird because, yes, it was still stranger danger. We had been indoctrinated by our older siblings who would be gen x. Our parents were like absolutely not, don't go in weirdos houses, stranger danger, walk with their group. Even, like when I got older and went to the club with friends, you always went to the bathroom with a friend, like, always walk in pair. But then at the same time, in the same breath, we would go off on weird adventures and nobody knew where we were all the time.
Speaker 1:Anyway, sue being a Gen Xer, her heckles are up and immediately she ends this conversation, they're that's it, that's all, or no money exchange. Keep the flower. She's, I'm out, bye. Turns on her heel, she leaves. I don't blame her, dude, did you not hear her say that? Not only is she local, she lives in the village and her father ie, she's not an orphan is a fisherman. I'm sure that's where she went.
Speaker 1:To go to Some weirdo from the, from the states, it's like hey, can I take you home? Would you like to be our little girl? Plus, sue is at least 10 years old. She's going to be a teenager in no time flat, no, no, she does not want to go home with rando strangers. So where? Um, sue is scared off, melissa is pissed off.
Speaker 1:When Cole turns around, she's like oh you funny. You funny, kendall, you got jokes. You want to rub it in my face one more time that I can't have any more kids. You think you real cute? That's real cute. Cole is immediately like whoa, what happened? She's like I heard you asking that little girl. What you trying to say? You trying to say I can't have no more kids. You trying to say I'm a failure because I don't have a daughter. Is that your problem, cole? You got a lot in there by this point. This is a small, small restaurant. She is making a scene. Everybody's trying to look over their shoulder and try to keep the peace, like they're not eavesdropping and wrestling. I was like, oh my God, melissa, you're tripping. You're going off like you're tripping mimosas.
Speaker 1:Melissa's. Probably all she's been eating is fruit and drinking alcohol. You know she needs some carbs, she needs some pasta, she needs a brisket sandwich or something to soak up, something greasy. But by this point she's already revved up. I can't believe. You said that in front of my face, cole. You know I can't handle her baby's cold.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, this is my artistic interpretation. He's like you're tripping. Do you want to go for a walk? Hell, no, I don't want to go for a walk. Because why am I going to go for a walk? You're being irrational now.
Speaker 1:Usually that word would set me off. But I mean he's not wrong, but she's all I mean. I get it. He was wrong for asking Sue to be their daughter when she has a family Cause. That's weird and you're a grown man. You shouldn't say those things to children, especially little girls. But Melissa, you know she's. She had a little bit too many. She had a little bit too much to drink. Maybe she has some tequila sunrises and she's just like she just needs a little pizza and maybe a little bit of a nap and she's gonna feel better. So she goes back to their um, I guess it's a hut, but it's like a honeymoon suite. I'm sure they're on a resort, I'm sure. But she goes back and, uh, it's raining outside. It's raining cats and dogs and in walks.
Speaker 1:Cole, he is completely soaked. His little floral shirt is saturated with water, his hair is plastered to his forehead, his peru is sopping wet and this is his opportunity to come in and look. Oh my gosh, I thought I'd get a little sympathy for being soaking wet in the rain. And then he removes his top. So once again I get to see all of his chesticles. And let I'm to keep Falcon Crest. Come here, come here, come, come, talk to me, come here. We can all agree that Cole is good looking. He is what is with the grease down. I come every time I see him. He is shirtless and glistening. Jesus, they're really trying to make fetch happen. I guess we're going to allow it.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, I need you to remember that Colesia Birdie is somewhat of a sex symbol, although I would argue and this is coming from a straight woman I think the thing that makes men sexy is it's a couple of different things. Number one, it is confidence. You can be as untraditionally attractive as you want to be. You can be weird looking. You can be two feet tall, you can be nine feet tall. If you are walking through whatever room, you walk through with confidence, women are going to be attracted to that. Or, on the other hand, the total opposite of that is you just being kind of a cool person doing your own thing and maybe you're kind of unaware of how hot you are. That's even hotter, actually, but there is something about you trying to be hot that makes you less hot. It only and I repeat, it only works on teenage girls. So maybe they were feeding that audience.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking of super cheesy boy band moves from back in the day. Y'all know I love me some NSYNC. So they were never. They were never cheesy. I will, I will, I will fight you. They were never cheesy. But I think of groups who didn't quite make it and it was because they were a little too, you know, little geeky, pushing up their nerves. It just didn't work.
Speaker 1:That's how I see Cole. I'm not going to get into this every single episode. I made it more than clear on more than one occasion how juvenile I find him to be. But I will. I'll fold for crying out loud. Cole is a handsome man. Do I enjoy seeing him glistening and shirtless? It's just confusing at this point. So no, okay, who's next? Oh, I forgot a little bit. I forgot a little bit.
Speaker 1:So once Cole and Melissa she enjoys his glistening body, they make up, they make it back to Falcon Crest and of course, maybe Joseph comes running in the room. It's adorable. I can't believe he's four years old. Let them tell it. I I can't believe he's four years old. Let them tell it. I just can't believe it. But I guess that math is nope, that math doesn't math, because this show came out in 1982, does not math. But that's so proper growing. So, yes, I guess in warp speed he needs to grow at least three years a year.
Speaker 1:Joseph comes in he's like yeah, margaret just dropped me off, you guys have a good time. And cole says, yeah, did you get bigger since the last time I saw you? Because, well, my muscles did. Is baby joseph being a gym bro, not the the gym bro comment? Of course you are. Of course you've got supplements in the kitchen. Of course you won't ever want to look at your lats. Of course you have a gym outfit that is very on brand.
Speaker 1:But you know, maybe he sees his dad walking around glistening all the time and he's like okay, I guess, I guess that's what I got to be. I could either be that or I could be. Oh, he don't really have a choice. Now that I think about it, his daddy is all the way shirtless all the time. His extra fine grandpa loves a V-neck in the middle of 1980. So yeah, I mean that's his future. I guess you got to start early. It's a lot of pressure to come from that, especially now that his dad feels like he's a sex symbol.
Speaker 1:But speaking of unabashed, raw sexiness by someone who definitely knows it, cassandra, the new lady, is sitting on a secret. Now, for the record, I'm not talking about Cassandra. I'm sure she's gorgeous. I don't find her sexy, I'm not really into her, but she's sitting on a little bit of a secret. So just a quick little recap.
Speaker 1:Cassandra Wilder has sent this proposal to Richard. She wants to advertise his new wine, or his new champagne, francesca, all over the Valley. She feels like she can really do something for his brand. Now Richard is all into this. Although he's new to the wine business, he's not new to making money. So he's like, yeah, let's go ahead and get that, get that locked in, start making commercials or whatever. That's kind of what they agree on this. This episode they decide they're going to go ahead and move forward with the advertising. This episode they decide they're going to go ahead and move forward with the advertising and because Richard is one third owner of Falcon Crest, he would like to do a shoot right there on the property, which makes a lot of sense. He's probably saving a ton of money. The wine, although not produced there, doesn't need to be. We have this beautiful wine house, we have the backdrop.
Speaker 1:You want to imply that this is a legacy of winemaking. I guess it's where he's coming from. He doesn't have the heritage that Chase and Angela do so by presenting his wine, although it's a little more modern, this is going to be boxed wine. Let Angela tell it. Although it's a little more modern, this is going to be boxed wine. Let Angela tell it. Chase called it lighter, fluid. Although it's a new version of an old thing, he still wants the reputation. He wants it to be reputable.
Speaker 1:He also has a thing for Cassandra, who is quite pretty. Actually, I noticed Cassandra had a person with her last time, a dude. I didn't really look at him. This time I'm looking at. So she's sitting on the couch and her partner I guess he would be. They don't really say what he is. I don't know if he's her secretary, I don't know what he is, but his name is Damon Ross. So Damon Ross is sitting by her and he's like hey, when are we going to move forward with this? This is taking too long. When are we going to get our hands on Angela? Cassandra's like patience, patience, these things take time. How do you think our mother feels Damien or Damon, he goes. I know how she feels. That's exactly why I want this to move forward.
Speaker 1:Immediately after this scene, cassandra is asleep in bed and she's having a nightmare. It is very Carrie-esque. It is very they're all going to laugh at you, that kind of voice, and it's a little girl in a fire and she's like surrounded by fire, she doesn't know where to run and someone keeps saying Cassandra, but it sounds like they're all going to laugh at you. She ends up waking up, gasping for air. She's like okay, so chrisandra. Chrisandra has a brother named damon and there's something to do with the fire and something to do with angela. So they're using richard to get to angela.
Speaker 1:Towards the end of the episode, the the whole photo shoot magazine spread is happening at falcon crest and angela's had a very long date which we'll get to. She comes storming in there like hey, y'all wrap this ish up. I didn't get permission for this. Go and get your stuff and get out. Richard doesn't make that much of a fuzz, but he's like you do know that I could be making money for you too. Also, I own one-third of this. Just, I don't care what you don't get out.
Speaker 1:Cassandra introduces herself like this. Isning, we'd love to help you out as well. Angela is old, she don't have time for that. I don't need help, little girl. We already have an ad agency. It's been working fine. Cassandra's like well, I know, but we'd really like to give you a chance.
Speaker 1:Angela's like I'm not new to this. Like Richard, I am true to this. I am this. I am wine in the valley. I don't need no help from the lights of you.
Speaker 1:But the longer she's talking to her, it's like something sort of tickling the back of her brain. And Angela goes do I know you? Cassandra says oh yeah, we met at Richard's place a few weeks back. She's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, something about you is very, very familiar. Now, this was Damon's, her brother. This was his whole thing when they were on the couch. He's like the longer this takes, she's bound to figure out something. So we need to move in on Angela Channing as quickly as possible.
Speaker 1:But he starts to smirk and I'll be damned if I'm not hit with an instant wave of nostalgia. I said oh, my goodness, did nobody tell me nothing? I didn't recognize him because he didn't have the beard on and he seems. No, he's about as tall as I remember him being. When I saw that smirk, oh my goodness, I said is that Riker? Is that Riker from the USS Enterprise? Is that Captain Jean-Luc Picard's right-hand man, riker?
Speaker 1:Although I'm not a tracking, my dad is, and in order to fill time when I was given the time to watch TV, sometimes I would watch Star Trek because I didn't have a choice. Sometimes I'd just watch it with my dad. I'm like it was fine. I didn't hate them, I didn't mind the new one too bad because of Riker. Riker was fine, fine, fine. Y'all google him right now Riker from Star Trek, the new generation on the USS Enterprise. He was flying fine. He had a beard. Oh my god, you want to talk about Chase being fine. This man was fine, fine.
Speaker 1:I had a crush on him when I was a little girl. I forgot about that, I forgot to have see until I saw him, and you know crushes are pretty innocent as it is. I wasn't thinking very deeply of it, but I do remember thinking that's probably like the first like man. I was like whoa, because usually, like you, a crush. I definitely had a crush on what's his name? Go Home Roger. Definitely Random boys on the shows I watch. But, oh my gosh, I remember thinking, hey, fine, fine, I didn't mind sitting through an episode because he would be on there.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know what he and his sister are up to on this season, on this episode, but it's something to do with their mom, something to do with a fire and the way Cassandra spoke about their mom's, like how long has our mother waited? She didn't say how long did our mother wait, which implies to me that the mother is alive. I'm here for it. Speaking of mothers, connie Giannini's mother is dead. We found that out the hard way when she showed up on time to a meeting. But she showed up post-mortem, so it was a moot point or so we thought.
Speaker 1:Chase and Maggie original, original. Well, I guess it was chase's plan. Maggie was just there for support. Oh, pause, we got to talk about maggie real quick. So maggie is a bit player, not a bit player. This episode where do I begin? They're so intertwined. At this point I like to do the bit players just because we don't. We don't really need to focus that deeply on those, those stories, because the other ones are so much bigger. But she's woven into two of them this time. So we, the audience, know that Richard knows Lorraine is pregnant. We know that he kicked her out. That's one side of it.
Speaker 1:So the first time we see Maggie this episode, she as she's at the radio station station. She goes into Lorraine's office and she sees Lance. Lance is packing all of Lorraine's things because Lorraine has shown up night previous to Falcon Crest without anywhere or where else to go. So Maggie is listening to him like oh my gosh, richard kicked her out because she was pregnant. That was crazy. And Lance was like, yeah, can't believe this fool. So he's being a man. Man, you know what I'm saying. He doesn't want his woman to go up there and be all distressed, especially if she's Prego. So he decided to. He volunteered to go get her stuff out of the office. He was also secretly hoping that Richard would run up and get done up. So Maggie's like this is so crazy, I can't believe he's doing the most.
Speaker 1:And, mind you, maggie has always kind of been on Lantha's side as far as this whole murder trial or attempted murder trial is going. She never thought it sounded right and she believed him from the very beginning, like she was a whole person who's like well, he wouldn't have been able to hear this train if he had been there, like she. She has that in the back of her mind, but nobody's really digging into that. As far as we know, they're not really doing anything other than talking about the trial at this point. So she's standing at the desk with Lance and she's like hey, what about that McCarthy guy? Has anybody seen him? Do you think there's a good chance that maybe he could just show up out of the blue and start talking to people? Okay, I don't know what's going on with the writers. This episode that's a little. That's a little on the nose. And she says his name for the record no less than 10 times this episode.
Speaker 1:So we should fully expect to see florida man, joel mccarthy, show back up and lindsay's like well, you know I hated joel mccarthy, but a lot of people hated joel mccarthy. I didn't do anything with Joel McCarvey. Do you think Joel McCarvey will show back up? Maggie's like I wonder where Joel McCarvey is. Hmm, okay, richard comes in and tells Lance to get his ish and get out, and Lance was like no, let him let. Okay, what if I don't? And he walks up to him. Maggie goes over to break up the non-existent squabble. Richard is too rich to fight, unless he's punching out old ladies. He says Lance, unless you want to be on trial for two attempted murders, I suggest you leave. Lance is like man, I do nothing but karate all day. You don't want this rich.
Speaker 1:So Maggie, I guess, goes by to visit her sister, aunt Terry, and Aunt Terry is trying on the quintessential 80s elf dress. It is a sweetheart neckline made of gold lame with a black skirt. She tries it on and she's like dang, I should have got this even tighter. This is doing nothing for my body. Maggie's like that's great. Speaking of bodies. Where's the body of Joel McCarthy? Where's your ex? I ain't seen him in a long time Now. She didn't say ex, pardon me, she's well. She says something like that, but ex the way you and I the audience know that that is Terry's actual ex-husband is not what Maggie means. She knows that they were dating and that they were going to get married.
Speaker 1:Terry immediately clams up. She's like I don't know, good riddance. Maggie's like why don't you ever talk about him Like what really went down with him? I feel like there's something going on with this whole Lance thing in him. Terry also, don't give a damn about Lance because he's played her before too. Remember, he left her for Lorraine. So she like whatever Lance gets, lance got coming wherever.
Speaker 1:Joel is good riddance. He shouldn't have left me high and dry. Maggie's like girl, you're acting funny, funny. Terry goes that was below the belt. Maggie's like precisely that's where I was aiming, I don't miss. Terry says you would never have said that if you were my real sister.
Speaker 1:Maggie's like touche, I'm really glad you and I share zero DNA, lest I too be a whore. She didn't say that, it's implied by me. So, maggie, she's just kind of stone-faced. She like touche, if you decide to stop lying and talk to me about Florida, man holler at your girl, I'm going to leave. So she leaves and Terry is stuck in this Golden May dress. Well, there's something about that conversation that starts to sit with her. She's like hmm, so she takes off the Golden May, which she wants to use to seduce the manimal, by the way, and I'm thinking she's still on. Used to seduce the manimal, by the way, and I'm thinking she's still on. She's still working for richard.
Speaker 1:She goes to visit richard dressed like a widow and, uh, he wants to know the latest on on craig rudin. Craig, I know I've been calling him craig. His name is the manimal. What's going on with the manimal? Terry says, uh, I don't know. He's working on trial stuff and he doesn't really want to talk about it with me. So I mean, he's working on trial stuff.
Speaker 1:Richard says I ain't not paying you to seduce and produce. You've done neither today, so I have to deduce that you don't want my money. Matter of fact, I think you want Flory man back in town. And Terry said you know what, richard, I had a conversation, I talked to myself and I said, self, why on earth was richard so gung-ho to help you? And myself said now, I don't know, terry, what you think.
Speaker 1:I said self, I think I recall right about the time that coke themed florida man disappeared. He was running his mouth about all this money he had come into. Remember he came in. He had on the Usher sweater, he looked like Michael B Jordan, he had a fresh mullet. And myself say, yes, self, he did. Now, you're right, he did come out. He was fresh to death, he looked amazing. Matter of fact, I think he was on the come up Me myself. And I agree.
Speaker 1:So, richard, I say, instead of producing and seducing, I deduce myself that perhaps you had a hand in this whole Lance Cumpson setup. I deduce that if I produce amen, joel, you would be more inconvenienced than myself. That's what I think. Richard squirms in his seat, swirls his milk in his glass and he's like huh, quite the gamble, terry. You sure you want to do that? She's like you know what. I'll take my chances. By the way, I quit in not so many words and I'm out.
Speaker 1:She gets up and she leaves. The way I quit in not so many words and I'm out. She gets up and she leaves. Now I'm thinking oh good, terry, your spine is intact. It is stiffer than it was when you walked in. I certainly hope you were done with this whole seducing for money thing.
Speaker 1:She is done with the money part, but for some reason she still wants the manimal. So she, this girl, loves to get dressed and go over to be embarrassed. She gets dressed, she goes over to the manimal's farm, where he is of course running around with the horses and whatnot, and she's like hey, why don't we go on a date? He's like I've been told you I'm very busy. I can't accommodate that right now. I got a lot on my mind. She goes okay. Well then, after the trial, why don't we hang out? Why don't we go out?
Speaker 1:He's like nah, nah, nah, after the trial I'm going to be the governor of California. She's like the governor of California, how you figure? Well, this is my political career, this is what I'm working on. This is a high profile case, all the chips are in place. It's going to be wonderful for me and unfortunately, terry, I can't be seen with you. I was just like, oh, okay, okay, okay, I see what it is. I'm good enough to roll around in bed with, but I'm not good enough to be on the arm of the governor of California. And he's like the governor of California can't have a hoe as a housewife, even if said hoe is indeed a housewife. But that doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Terry is not deterred, she's not deterred, she's going to produce, she's going to seduce. So by episode's end, she drives to his house at night, or actually, she doesn't drive. She has a driver because she's a wealthy housewife. Okay, she drives to his house in a slightly too small for her frame veiling car. Allow me to explain.
Speaker 1:I'm a tall woman and there are just certain cars I'm not going to get into If it is a like a 97 Mustang, you know, like a coupe. The backseat is not meant for me. I cannot ride around with my knees up to my chest. It seems like Terry is not that tall, but perhaps those cars of ago, this is probably like a 1930, 1940s car, it's just is not meant for what she's working with.
Speaker 1:So she pulls up to the stables, where Reardon is brushing horse booty all night, I suppose, and he sees her and he's like Terry. I'm really really busy, but she has to like. She's in the back seat so she has to turn and duck her head out of the window. But it looks like something happened to her neck. It is not an attractive ankle and now that I'm saying it is probably because she has an updo, not so much her height. But you know, you have to think about these things. You can't get into a car with too tall hair unless there's a lot of head room. Wonder how my beehive sisters did back in the day. That's crazy now that I think about it. Maybe they took it off until they got where they needed to go. Anyway, she's got her neck all twisted and she's seducing him. Hey, come over here. And he's like I'm really not into it when she goes. Oh, but I think you are. She's got on the goal of May. He's like Terry, I'm really busy. I got horse ponytails to brush all night. I got depositions to write. I am quite booked and busy, ma'am. Well, she's not hearing that.
Speaker 1:She opens the door to her vintage villain, silver Bullet, and she shows him a little leg. He's like y'all's are y'all's are gams Girl. She got on, throws him a little leg and he's like y'all's a y'all's a gams Girl. She got on Girl or gentleman. She has on regular daggler pantyhose. I'm not talking about her legs, like, okay, cool Legs are going to seduce him. But tell me why she has on these tired gold faux chain like old lady sandals. That's what gets Griggin going A good, old fashioned pair of old lady sandals. That's what gets green going a good, old-fashioned pair of old lady sandals. Which makes me wonder why he ain't trying to get with Angela. I know old lady shoes. Okay, trust me. Well, anyway, that works.
Speaker 1:He gets in the car and she allegedly starts taking off his boots. Boots will take so long to take off. But whatever, terry and the manimal, we're gonna move on because I have nothing else to say about that. All right, the aviator adonis has had a couple of things to say. It's been on his mind. He does not want the giannini property, but he does not want angela to have the giannini property. So what does he do? He waits till it's dark, he drives or walks over to Connie's home.
Speaker 1:Connie is Mary's daughter, the Giannini lady, and Connie is, I guess, she's just trying to get things in order. Maybe Reidman left a couple things behind, or her parents had a few things in the home that were left behind when Reidman took over. I'm not really sure, but the house is filled with boxes nonetheless. Chase comes over and he's chatting with Connie and he pulls the most auntie move I've seen this season. He does that whole.
Speaker 1:Well, baby, how come you don't ever come see me? You don't ever come visit? You don't call, you don't write, only uh, the wine country version of that. Well, Connie, you know your parents worked so hard. This is a fine bottle of wine. Look what your daddy them made. Man, this is beautiful. Number one.
Speaker 1:I struggled too, you know. I just couldn't stay in New York because my heritage was calling me. I had to come back here because the land wanted me. Chase, don't do me. That is not at all why y'all came back. I recall distinctly on season one. The only reason they came back is because their daughter, vicky, who has been ousted. We ain't seen Vicky in two seasons. Vicky was having an affair with her 36-year-old teacher when she was a 17-year-old and Cole went and beat him up, went to jail and behind beating a pedophile. That's why y'all moved to New York, you and Maggie, maggie, maggie, you and Maggie were negligent parents with kids running amok and you had to do something. So you went all the way to the other coast because your daddy would set a flame and set over the side of a mountain.
Speaker 1:Talking about heritage, I guess that's heritage if you just focus on the dad part. Well, he starts talking. Connie's like okay, I hear you, but, chase, I make champagne. I don't know how to make wine. He goes well, listen, I can't, I don't worry about that. This is your birthright, this is your heritage, this is your mom and your daddy. They work so hard for this. So by the end of the conversation, connie's like well, yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't hate it here, I don't see why not. I don't think it'd be that big of a difference to make champagne from wine. Let's do it, chase. So a little later on Chase and Maggie come over and they have dinner with her on the floor. They have a picnic on the floor, surrounded by back boxes, drinking wine.
Speaker 1:Now, usually I've seen this in movies, in film, as a romantic thing. I've moved in several times to different places. Um, never had wine and pizza, probably had like beard pizza when I was younger. And if there's whatever it is, I don't know it was not a romantic scene, but I noticed that scene is also put is usually put out to be romantic.
Speaker 1:It is at this moment that I notice maggie, the actress, the lady who plays her. I know it's something says in it. So la la la sullivan is a pretty good actress, but on this show you can't give her too much time to talk because she's just gonna start rambling. I can tell she's not really reading the script because she's just going to start rambling. I can tell she's not really reading the script. Maybe she doesn't memorize it and she just kind of feeds off of other people. It doesn't sound bad, but don't let Maggie get to talking. Or perhaps she's been borrowing some of Emma's meds, because Emma was on one this episode. She was tripping, she was going a little. Lulu, this little kookaloo. This episode they end up clinking at glasses. They're gonna help her. That's the discussion now. We don't know everything there is to know about wine, but we were kind of coming in like you were, like we were grown where chase grew up in it. Maggie learned it alongside of him. So they're like hey, connie, don't even worry. What you don't know you can learn. You probably know more than you think because you grew up here. But we're going to make sure everything is right and good.
Speaker 1:Angela Permrod Goddess is having quite the week. At the top of the show. Lorraine shows up with nowhere to go. She's like Richard kicked me out because I'm pregnant with Lance's baby. Angela knew this, because Angela found out she was pregnant and promptly told Richard, knowing he'd do just that. So she says don't worry about it, charlie and I will get a room ready for you. You can stay upstairs. By this point Lance is downstairs and he's like well, you can sleep in my room. Oh, no, she can't. There will be no fornicating, no fornification in Angela Channing's home. Absolutely not. This young lady will stay across the hall. You can come see her in the morning at breakfast. Well, of course that doesn't fly.
Speaker 1:Lorraine sleeps pretty peacefully that night and the next morning Lance comes slinking into her room and crawling into bed with her. Now I guess things might have escalated if Emma understood what a closed door meant. Mind you, emma is only aware that there is a guest in the home. Do you know? She don't knock. She must have used her feet to kick in the door, because she comes waltzing in with some eggs, talking about hey, I heard we had company. I brought you some eggs benedict, it's going to be delicious. Now Lorraine is like oh my gosh, get that out of here. That smell is horrible. She's pregnant, y'all. She's not being rude, she's pregnant. And Emma's like oh my gosh, gosh, are you pregnant? By this point they have woken up. Perm, rock, goddess. She had to take out her rollers and fluff her hair real quick. She came in there. Yeah, she's pregnant. I know what he knows. Now, you know it. Everybody knows this little girl was pregnant. Lance, what are you doing here? Came to check on her this morning.
Speaker 1:Lance's trial is not looking good. By the way, let me just throw this in Angela and Riordan were doing sort of I guess not a mock trial, what would you call it? They were just questioning him, basically rattling off questions that the defense might use to trap him, and he is just really sucking at answering these questions To the point where Angela's like now, damn man, come on now, just don't say nothing dumb, that's all. Come on now, just don't say nothing dumb, that's all you have to do is don't say nothing stupid. Craig Reardon says okay, lance, now do you have a good relationship with your grandmother? Yes, I love my grandmother. I would never harm her. If I did, who would make my cookies? Still, you're going to be making cookies in the clink if you don't get your life together. Do you want to go to jail? Anyway, back to that morning.
Speaker 1:Angela barks out that everybody knows she's pregnant. Let's all stop pretending we don't know. So Emma's like oh, that's exciting. And then she thinks about it. She goes wait, lance, is this your baby, though this time? And Angela goes of course it's his baby. Emma goes well, dang, I don't know. Lorraine, if I was you, I wouldn't, don't let, don't let my mama get her hands on him, because she'll sell him. She sold joseph one time, oh gosh. So a little later on, emma and angie take lorraine on a shopping lunch. Now I don't know if this is a real thing. I choose to believe it is. I choose to believe the upper echelon shop this way.
Speaker 1:They're having dinner at or lunch, pardon me, at this restaurant and there's this woman just kind of elegantly walking around in this really beautiful gown, got a little fur shawl on she's walking and spinning. At first I thought she was a hostess. Shawl on she's walking and spinning. At first I thought she was a hostess, but like they're looking at her in a way you wouldn't pay attention to a hostess, if that makes sense. Angela says Lorraine, what do you think about that dress? Oh, it's gorgeous.
Speaker 1:So Angela calls a woman over and she says ma'am, could you go find something else to wear? We're going to take that dress. And Lorraine goes no, no, no, please don't. I'm preggo. I'm not going to be able to wear that in a month. Don't even bother. The model ain't trying to hear that. She's got a sales quota to me. She goes well, we have it also in lavender. Why that? I don't understand what that has to do with the fit. But okay, rich, she's like okay, we'll take both of them. Lorraine is just oh my gosh, that's so sweet. I can't believe you're doing this for me. Angie goes, no worries, you're family now.
Speaker 1:So what do you think about yellow for the nursery? Lorraine goes nursery because she's thinking her and Lance are moving out. Obviously I also thought to myself didn't Joseph already have a nursery? But the way they're talking. Emma says that they're going to take the, the vintage bed, out of Julia's old room and turn that into a nursery anyway. Lorraine is like no, lance and I are going to have our own home. Don't do that. Emma says absolutely not. We have to have a special place for the air. And then it hits, hits Lorraine. Oh my gosh, is this why you're being nice to me? You're buying me dresses and lunch because I have Lance's baby, the heir to the Falcon Crest throne.
Speaker 1:Her acting is abysmal. This episode, it is horrible. Her and Lance's acting is not. It's horrible when they're together, but hers is especially heinous. Angie goes gosh you. Hers is especially heinous. Angie goes gosh. You're brighter than I thought. Obviously, lorraine is new to this. She is not true to this. She is not a soap opera aficionado, she is not a soap queen. I'm thinking this is probably one of her first few acting gigs.
Speaker 1:She goes off on Angela mildly and then, instead of splashing this woman in the face with a drink. She picks up a wedge salad and dumps it right over top Angela's shrimp cocktail. Now, if you're hungry you can still eat that, right, no damage done. I needed to duck points, lorraine. What the heck was that? You can at least spill something? You have to make it inconvenient if you're in a restaurant and if you're listening to me, I have to believe you were a little bit dramatic. If you were at a restaurant and you want to make a scene. Let's say you're in a soap opera and you just found out that you are a pawn in someone else's scheme and you're hurt because they're not taking your love serious and the bastard that you hold in your stomach.
Speaker 1:You got a glass of water, a glass of wine, ranch dressing and a salad. What do you toss? It's the first three, obviously. The third one is diabolical. I wouldn't do that. I feel like I would get in trouble. But at least splash a little water on the table. At least knock over a glass. No, she awkwardly picks up the salad and sprinkles it over her shrimp cocktail. I'm going to eat both of these now, thanks, but Angela liked it. She's like all right. All right, I see you, lorraine.
Speaker 1:Lorraine got a little horked. So after a few more days of all of Angela's rules, which are basically do not fornicate outside my house, y'all not gonna be sleeping with each other. I don't want any extra children around here. Lorraine's not doing well. Lorraine's being kind of a brat. She pops off at Emma for nothing. Then she ends up going over to Richard. She's like Richard, I cannot live there anymore, please don't do this to me. And he goes you don't live here, you're gone to me. I don't do this to me and he goes you don't live here, you're gone to me. I don't know who you are anymore. She does to him when she well, she shouldn't have slapped Angela. I don't think she should have slapped Angela, but she does end up slapping Richard across his face and he doesn't cry, but he almost cries.
Speaker 1:Now Rebecca Lynch had already talked to him at the top of the episode when she found a crushed picture of Lorraine, or she when she found a picture of Lorraine in the trash. She's like dude, this is your family. Please stop being an idiot, do not push this girl away. She's having a baby. The, the daughter that you love, is having a baby. Like basically saying you're trying to tell me you don't love her. You're not going to love her kid too, because I don't have a daughter. That's my stepdaughter, and to hell with her. She wants to go live in that little cheap, drafty mansion. Then that's her business. But after the slap I think his heart really broke. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. But as she slapped before she slaps him broke like oh my gosh, I can't believe it. But as she slapped before she slaps them, you were disowning me because I am having the bastard child of lance cumson. Why would you in in casual conversation? When do you ever use someone's full government name? Ever? Unfortunately, she doesn't have a choice at this point. She has to remain at the mansion, at least until the trial is over.
Speaker 1:So back at the mansion. It finally comes around to Angela that the land she thought she was going to be purchasing from Connie Giannini is no longer for sale. Tell me why. She finds out that her nephew had his grubby little hands in this too. So she's super pissed.
Speaker 1:She gets in the supervillain car. She has Charlie drive her down the road to the little mansion, the little castle. She knocks on the door, chase opens it and he knows it's her. So he's smiling all day and he's like hi, angie, she's all hee, hee, hell. I can't believe you, chase, you think you're real cute, don't you, chase? You think you're real cute, don't you? You think you're real cute? I would slap that smile right off your face. He's like well, auntie, whatever are you talking about? You don't know what I'm talking about. Chase, you wouldn't talk connie into not selling her land. All of a sudden she wants to start living there again. I can't believe you.
Speaker 1:Now, unbeknownst to angela because she's going off so hard, she doesn't realize that Connie is right there in the room. She says Chase, what did you say? I demand to know. What did you tell that girl to make her change her mind? He goes why don't you ask her yourself? So Angela looks over to her left and she sees Maggie and Connie. So well, well, well, if it is the co-conspirators, what do we have here? What y'all talking about? How to fumble a bag, how to burn grapes, how to turn wine to jelly, because y'all damn sure ain't going to make no money. So by the show's end, angela just has to deal with it. There's really nothing she can do at this juncture, but I'm sure she's working up another scheme juncture, but I'm sure she's working up another scheme.
Speaker 1:But at the last scene what we find out when everybody is down at dinner at Falcon Crest is that Lance and Lorraine, of course, have plans to move. They're just kind of waiting on this. They wanted an extension for the trial. I don't remember this being part of the storyline before, but maybe it was. I just wasn't paying that much attention. They need an extension and they want the trial moved out of the valley so that Lance can have a better shot. Tell me why everybody's looking like just you know, somebody died that day. They look so depressing and cold. Lance is like what's going to trial on Monday End scene.
Speaker 1:I laughed throughout this entire episode. It was highly entertaining. Angela's little whips are as spicy as Alexis's now. I like this. Somebody's doing their homework, somebody is competing in real time and I love it. And I don't think it betrays the storyline on Falcon Crest at all, although I will say this trial seems like a joke at this point. You can't.
Speaker 1:Attempted driving recklessly is not the same thing as attempted murder. It's her word against whomever was driving. And if Lance says he wasn't driving, then he wasn't driving. I mean, it's flimsy at best. Even if he was, this just don't seem like you would go to prison for attempted murders A little bit over the top, if you ask me. But quite frankly, I can't wait to get back to this because I really, really, really want to know what Cassandra and Riker are going to do. I want to know who their mama is and what that has to do with anything going on at Falcon Crest. Plus, angela's, like you, seem familiar, so I'm trying to figure out what that is. God, I love a soap opera, who knows?
Speaker 1:Oh, last but not least, this is the part I forgot Melissa. When she and Cole got back from Tahiti, and right before baby Joseph got there, melissa was going through their mail that they had missed while they were gone and there was a letter from her cousin. Her cousin is coming to visit as soon as school's out. She's going to come on her summer break. It's going to be so much fun.
Speaker 1:Cole says I don't remember your cousin. Well, cole didn't grow up there. Melissa's like oh no, this is my cousin. She moved about six years ago. I don't know if she said she moved to Tuscany or from Tuscany Valley. She didn't really say the word Valley, so I'm not sure, but yeah, we got a new character coming. She and melissa were thick as thieves back in the day.
Speaker 1:So do y'all want to take a bet? Oh geez, obviously you might know. You. Maybe this is an insignificant storyline, you don't remember, but I want to wager a bet.
Speaker 1:I think melissa's new cousin hmm, let's see. Do we think she's going to be a good girl or a bad girl? I think we. Terry is probably still classified not to be, but classified in the story as the quote unquote bad girl. Mellie's a bad girl. I think her cousin will be mischievous or she'll be sweet and innocent.
Speaker 1:Now, who's going to sink their fangs into her? I don't think it'll be Cole. I don't think it'll be Chase. We need some more men on here. Is this another triangle between the manimal and Terry and whoever? Or Lance? Ooh, that could be good. Okay, lance is either going to fall for her or she's going to. She's going to throw a wrench in there somehow.
Speaker 1:We all know cousins and family members saying with me are never a good thing. On a soap opera, never. There's very few exceptions on this show. Cousin Michael turned out to be I. Francesca wasn't bad, but she still. She broke up Richard and his secretary. So do with that what you will, and his secretary, so do with that what you will. All right, guys? Thank you so much for joining me today. Don't forget you can send me a text, you can send an email or you can leave a review. Join me next time as we jump back in for some more Soap Opera debauchery. In the meantime, in between time, if you were at a luncheon and things get heated, take one last swig of your water and then flick the wrist and splash them to the person's face. Or, at the very least, stand up, throw your cloth napkin down and twirl on your heels and make a dramatic. Whatever you're going to do, stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Bye.