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S4 EP23 Dynasty: Birthday Party-The " Baby Blake's Nightmare Fuel" Episode

• Jett Shae • Episode 296

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The line between celebration and catastrophe blurs deliciously in Dynasty's "Birthday Party" episode as Baby Blake's second birthday becomes the perfect storm of family drama, business betrayal, and romantic complications. At the center of this lavish spectacle stands a birthday party that defies all reason – complete with a functioning train, Shetland ponies, jugglers, a poolside mermaid, and a terrifying six-foot jack-in-the-box. While the toddler guest of honor appears utterly shell-shocked, the adults orbit around him with their own agendas. Jeff dons clown makeup (poorly) to play "Mr. Clown," unwittingly attracting Kirby's attention and stoking Adam's jealousy. Meanwhile, Fallon battles mysterious headaches while putting on a brave face for her son's celebration. he true fireworks happen away from the party grounds. Krystal delivers a palm-stinging slap to Tracy's face after Tracy suggests they're cut from the same cloth – secretaries who slept their way to the top. Alexis drops a bombshell hint about having a fourth child, sending ripples of speculation through the Carrington dynasty. Kirby takes shooting lessons, proving herself a surprisingly accurate markswoman with potential targets in mind. And just when Blake believes he's secured a business triumph that will catapult Denver Carrington above Colby Co, his $100 million deal with Rashid Ahmed is exposed on national television as funding arms for international conflict. The episode culminates with Fallon and Jeff announcing their intention to remarry despite their palpable lack of chemistry, setting up future complications against the backdrop of Blake's unfolding international scandal. Like all great Dynasty episodes, "Birthday Party" serves up the perfect cocktail of wealth, betrayal, unexpected alliances, and consequences that will reverberate through the lives of Denver's elite. Don't miss this quintessential glimpse into the golden age of primetime soap operas!

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and then she struts out the door. Clearly, tracy is concussed, side of her face is burning, her ears are ringing. She doesn't know what she's saying right now. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome and welcome back to soap floor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and od diehard fans of the golden age of primetime. We die hard fans of the golden age of primetime.

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I'm your host, chet, viewing and reviewing the Sophie is Betsy's Primetime Storylines of 1984. We are back in the mile-high city for some really, really satisfying drama. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. Don't beg no questions, suggestions or concerns. Everyone else on earshot, cool, quiet or kicked out of your own room options because we are watching our story.

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is SoFour. Hello, gorgeous party people and people who party and everyone in between. I hope your morning, noon or after or evening is shaping up well. Hope you're having a good day. If not, baby, leave all that at the door. We're about to cut up.

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Y'all want some cake. You want to go to a birthday party? Me either. Yes, no, maybe. So sometimes I want a little cake sometimes. I don't mind a birthday party, I just find, now listen, if it's a kid's birthday party, let's make it a little earlier in the day. I don't mind a birthday party, I just find, now, listen, if it's a kid's birthday party, let's make it a little earlier in the day. I don't know what it is about. Summer People love having an eight o'clock birthday party. I'm like I'm not going to no kid's party at eight o'clock, don't I sound like an old lady? Anyways, guys, I hope your day is shaping up well. We are jumping back into Dynasty for one of the most mind-bending birthday parties I've ever seen. It's a Colby party and you know how much I love a good Colby birthday party.

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You Dynasty aficionados will recall season one, episode 11, the birthday party. Yeah, dynasty is. You know, I don't know what's going on. 1980s Nobody cared about a title, they just recycled it. They're leaving off the.

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That was the birthday party where Cecil got read for fifth. It is, to this day, one of my favorite, favorite episodes of Dynasty. That's the episode where Jeff finds out that Fallon only married him because, you know, cecil sort of set that up or whatever. So Jeff patiently waits for a track to explode on and that happens to be his uncle Cecil's birthday party. He reads him for filth in front of God and everybody. Meanwhile, crystal was sweating bullets because she was wearing those scammer jewels Remember, oh my God, it's one of my favorite. It definitely was rent free in my mind. Meanwhile, crystal was sweating bullets because she was wearing those scammer jewels remember, oh my God, it's one of my favorite. It definitely lives rent-free in my mind. Well, today is not that day. We got a whole nother Colby. We have a little seed that he and Fallon created. It is baby Blake's second birthday party.

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Y'all, they're doing a lot. You know who's not doing a lot? Me, your girl. Unfortunately, I had a disagreement with a dryer sheet earlier today and I find myself splayed out in bed. Go ahead and pour yourself up something bubbly and bright or, you know, pick up a sonic drink, do whatever you do. My friend kelly said she likes to listen to me on her commute. So, kelly, good morning babe. I hope everything's going well.

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Let me tell you about this dryer sheet that attacked me. That came out of nowhere. So I'm minding my business, walking through my living room. I'm going to make it sound like I live in a mansion? I definitely don't, but I was heading into my laundry room to pick up something. I don't remember what it was at this moment, but my home was built probably in the late fifties, so there is a door right before you get into the laundry room.

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I love this door. I've always wanted a window inside my house. I don't know if it's because I watched Pee Wee Herman early on. There's some sort of impression that was made my entire life. I've always thought, man, it would be so cool to have like a wall in your house, but it's a window that you could open and talk to people. For no reason. I think it's just so cool, so chic. The door reminds me of that. It's an older door, it's pretty solid and it's got this really beautiful stained glass. I don't know if the west side of the house was. Maybe. Maybe it's an add-on. I don't think it is. I think it's just kind of a relic. I was in a neighbor's house a year or so ago and she had a similar door, but it wasn't where mine is.

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Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is because this beautiful door is there, I can't see what's on the other side of it and whoever wired the place. The light switches on the outside, which is a little bit annoying, so I didn't bother to turn on the light. It's my first mistake, but I opened the door and there's enough light for me to see that there's a pair of hey dudes in the middle of the floor. I have barked about this ad nauseum move your shoes, you know, four or five inches to the other side. If you're going to kick them off in the laundry room, just move them over a little bit. So I dodge the hey dudes, only to immediately feel, instead of tension, I feel, no resistance whatsoever as my foot makes contact with an oversized dryer sheet. Maybe my laundry room has linoleum. So I go splatter, tat, tat, splatter, tat, tat and all the cops scattered. Next thing, you know, I am fighting for my life not to do the splits, because your girl is not flexible like that and I don't know if I pivoted like a Ninja Turtle or something. I end up on my side, slash back, looking up at my ceiling, just pissed off, mortified, and also thinking who put these styrofoam ceiling tiles up here? This is hideous. Well, I made a little bit of a fuss and now I'm going to nurse my wounds for the rest of the day you would think the day was lost, but I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. Plus, had I not slipped and fell, I would have never been in bed at this time. I would have never known there is a Martha Stewart channel. I said, oh well, let me see what Martha's talking about.

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Martha had a whole 30 minute episode on the joys of eggs and eggs making. She had eggs in every which way you could think of. Then I watched her pickle some onions. I watched her build an above ground I'm saying an above ground maze, that's not what I meant A raised garden and I thought, oh my God, I can do that, but she made hers a maze. I'm like, wow, martha's really doing a lot. She's doing the absolute most, but it didn't. She doesn't make it feel like it's the most. You know what I'm saying? She's just making the most of what she has, and it's fabulous.

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This episode of Dynasty is in the neighborhood, but it's over the top, because that's what they wanna do. Do we need all these things? No. Do I need 37 ways to make an egg? No, but I watched all 37 chapters of it. Buckle in, pour yourself up something bubbly and bright as we explore a birthday party that would make even Martha Stewart say, well, not damn.

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On season four, episode 23 of Dynasty birthday party, birthday party per usual. We're going to start with the bit players. Everyone's a little bit of a bit player this episode, but they each have their own little thing going on. Everything comes crashing in together because there's a birthday party. So at the top of the show we see crystal floating down the steps directing some of the help. There's so many maids and butlers at this mansion, ain't, but what? Eight people who live there, who live there for real, for real. The rest is just staff anyway.

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Crystal comes down the stairs, she goes to have breakfast and Fallon's already sitting down. Crystal in this exquisite light blue floor lane silk robe, once again solidifying my resolve I am getting me some more robes. I don't know what I'm going to start selling y'all, but I'm going to start selling something to fund my dynasty fascination. Now I need a fur coat or two. I definitely need some gloves. I need a whole array of robes anyway.

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Crystal comes floating into the dining room. Valen, oh my gosh, how excited are you for baby blake's party. I'm so excited, I can't wait. Valen practically goes. Oh, crystal's like dang girl is everything all right? Because, yeah, yeah, it's fine. I just have so many things to do. I have a bunch of ribbon and running to do downtown. Plus, I don't think I'm all that excited about the terrible twos.

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Young lady number one. We, the audience, know that fallon has this headache. She's not feeling real good. So I totally understand. The last thing you want to do is be in a super loud environment with a bunch of little two-year-olds. Sounds like hell on earth if you have a migraine. So she gets a pass from me.

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But also, why is she worried about the terrible twos? She don't spend nothing, but what? Like a day and a half with this kid? She sees baby Blake once every 10 business days. Can we please stop acting like you're a mother of a year, her and Jeff this episode oh, it's so much work. How would your mother of the year, her and jeff this episode oh, it's so much work. How would you know? Time I turn around, y'all have on suits and church shoes running all over. God's creation, she spends more. I'm not even gonna get into it. I am gonna get into it. I'm not gonna shut up. Fallon almost jumped on a plane a private plane that she would have been painting for, by the way, with the booger sugar baron himself, peter Crackpiper. She wasn't worried about baby Blake then, or his terrible ones 1.5s, 18 months and twos.

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Girl bye. She has a headache. She's just talking out of the side of her neck, so she goes down the hallway to make a phone call. Before we get into her phone call, I got to talk about her sweater. I'm going to say this and it will sound funny, but let's just allow that to happen. You know what I'm saying. Just let it happen. She's wearing a like crocheted layered sweater. And you're probably saying, jet, aren't all sweaters crocheted or knitted at the very least? Yeah, they are, but not like this. This reminds me of this trend that happened once upon a time. It might still be happening in certain parts of the world, I'm sure.

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I remember there was like this whole explosion of these porcelain dolls, only it wasn't really a full body doll, it'd be like their head. Sometimes they'd be plastic. They'd always be a little bit creepy. People would knit them dresses or crochet them dresses. So imagine a doll dressed like she's from like the late 1800s. They were everywhere, but that's not the weird part Dolls have been around since the beginning of time, for whatever reason. People started turning these dolls into tissue boxes and sometimes they'd have really, really big dresses. I'm saying it's late 90s when I'm remembering this, but it probably was even a little bit earlier. I feel like I've seen pictures with these weird kind of creepy dolls dressed like that Antebellum style looking ones, with this whole crochet bonnet and big old crochet dress. People would sit them on top of tissue boxes. They'd even put them on toilet paper rolls. This is what I'm remembering as I'm seeing this.

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She got on the toilet paper doll 3000. It is a weird, thick, hideous sweater and maybe that's because of her headache. So she gets a hold of Dr Black Doctor, hands of Black Doctor, makes it down to his office and she's trying to explain to him. Like I don't just have a headache, doc, it feels like there's noise inside of my head, like it's not just a regular migraine or whatever. It's horrible. And he says well, fallon, honey, you had a pretty serious injury, you had a big concussion, this is just your body's way of migraine or whatever it's horrible. And he says well, fallon, honey, you just I mean, you had a pretty serious injury, you had a big concussion. This is just your body's way of healing. It won't be forever, but everything is checking out. You seem perfectly normal. She's like I don't know, it just feels really bad. So he goes okay, let's go ahead and get you in the. What is it? The EKG machine? The machine, whatever that does the scan MRI, whatever? We'll get you in the scanner and I'll let you know as soon as I know what's going on. She's like OK, cool, I appreciate you.

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Crystal decides that she's going to continue her silk outfit of the day, goes upstairs, gets dressed for work, she walks into her office and she sees Tracy eyeballing the QED reports Tracy, tracy, tracy reports Tracy, tracy, tracy. Well, well, well, what are you doing here? When last we left, tracy was fired from Denver Carrington, she had a raucous night with Dexter. So Tracy is in the market for a fresh set of taste buds and a biodegradable hinge for her new jaw after crystal and tote and a pewter wonder woman belt slaps the taste buds smooth out of her mouth. So tracy hits the ride home from hong kong and she has a mission. She has to get a job with alexis and report everything back to dex. Dexter, granted, she's not hurting for money, since Dex will be paying her, but she still has to get hired by Alexis. Before she can do any of that, she has to clean out her desk at Denver Carrington, which is when she's caught by Crystal. Crystal struts in with a taupe and pewter killer combo look at Wonder Woman belt demanding to know why this overly qualified assistant is looking through her desk.

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Now the cynic in me is like Crystal. She's been doing your work this entire time. She's been doing the QED reports. Why are you, why are you asking her that? But I mean, in all reality, she did just try to sleep with your husband, crystal. I get it. Tracy's not really absorbing the gravity of Crystal's presence. She's almost dismissive of her and she scoffs. She claims to be returning some reports she found while she was clearing out her own personal desk. Only she was really memorizing those QED reports. Crystal thinks that all this is a likely story. After all, tracy did just try to sleep with her man. She's like yeah, yeah, yeah, likely story. Well, tracy thinks Crystal is uppity and a little bit hoary. So what if I tried to bang your on and off again, husband Big whoop? See, the thing is, tracy thinks Crystal is a card carrying.

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Member of the Secretariat of Destruction Society Incorporated. She thinks she comes from a long line of HR hookers who get jobs and then seduce the higher ups. That's what you do. That's what girls like us do. So Tracy says as much as like, please don't come in here looking down on me. I only did what you did first. Okay, crystal's like, what are you talking about? I know you were his secretary, crystal. I know you used to work here. You put your claws on him. Now you're walking around with the Zsa, zsa jewelry, spending $100,000 every season on your wardrobe which is better, by the way, by the way. So don't look down on me for doing what you did. I did what we're supposed to do. I have a card, you have a card. This is what we do to get in the game.

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Crystal is very, very slick. She's almost like that velociraptor on jurassic park. We got to study her form. Crystal, the taupe and pewter refuter, delivers five fingers in a freshly ponds, cold cream, moisturized palm to the left side of tracy's Unsuspecting face spat out Tracy's dignity. Her last three conversations, six months worth of memories, go flying across the room. Pile out Crystal.

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Crystal's very stealthy. She didn't reach back to Mississippi like she did last time she just kind of came from up and under. She shoots it up at a 90 degree angle and comes across your face so fast you don't even know what happened. Crystal is tired of hearing this riffraff Tells Tracy this little game is over, tracy, and you've lost. Tracy is clutching the side of her face and blinking back tears. She's like, okay, I'll see you, chris, I'll see you, we'll let you have that one. But the way I play the game, this isn't over until the team walks off the field, consider this a time out. And then she struts out the door. Clearly, tracy is concussed. Side of her face is burning. Her ears are ringing. She doesn't know what she's saying. Right now she's probably never been so desperate to get out of an office in her life. Thank God no one else saw that. But she's going to have a handprint on the side of her face, a moisturized handprint, mind you, but it is what it is.

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Someone else also grappling with their dignity is Morgan Hess. Morgan Hess ended up in jail after Blake confronted him about those tapes he was sending to Claudia the Stallion. We know he's in jail not because of the last episode. Well, we did see him get arrested, the last episode I actually thought that Morgan Hess could have fought off the one detective. He only brought one. He was in plain clothes, he didn't even have handcuffs, so that he didn't believe that that was really a cop and taking off running. But I mean Morgan Hess, he looked like he was probably in okay shape. He probably could have made it two or three blocks. Apparently he didn't. Now he's in jail. Now he's looking for bail money and of all the people in the world to call. He wants his feelings hurt, he wants to be degraded because he calls alexis. He didn't even call her at home, he calls her at work.

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She comes into her office and her secretary, douglas it looks like the other kid, the lookalike lyle the one look just like stephen. He's out of the door. I guess he quit or was fired, I don't know. She was in Hong Kong so I can't imagine what would happen over those last few days. But Douglas tells her you know, mr Morgan Hess is on the phone, he's in jail. What should I tell him? She's like don't tell him nothing. That's exactly where he would be. I don't even know why. He called playing on my phone and my place of business. But he hands her a telegram, telemessage, telegram, it's not. He didn her a telegram, tele-message, telegram, it's not. He didn't say telegram, but tell us something. He hands her whatever she goes into her office and, to my surprise, stephen is still in that damn office.

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Are there not laws against squatting in a corporation's building? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he's under the guise of he's working, but every time I've seen Stephen, he's either been in that office or he's been in that office. Did he office or he's been in that office? Did he really just chill out there the whole time? She was in hong kong?

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He's desperate to hear okay, mother, lay it on me, how many oil wells did we get? And she goes oh darling, unfortunately we didn't get any. Your dad moved so swiftly, we just didn't have any. Stephen starts to flip out. Oh my god, mom, do you see what I'm talking about? Adam came in my room. He's always moving my things. He took my report and now we don't have any oil wells.

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And she was like honey, relax, it's okay, it's business. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but you know what. I don't want you to lose. I don't want you to lose the progress that you and your father have made. You guys are once again a family, and you know what. This business is not worth destroying that relationship. I won't do it, my dear Mind you. She already knows she put a full plan in place, but I like her style. The less people know about this, the better. Stephen takes a deep breath and he's like you know what, mama, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry, I'm tripping. I've been in this office too long. I think there might be some mercuric oxide residue or something left. I'm tripping. Glad you're back. Good to see you Soon.

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As Stephen leaves the room, alexis opens said telegraph and it is from none other than Rashid Ahmed. It has all of his information, baby, every drop, every piece of his information, every piece of her information, and it says explosion tomorrow. Rashid Ahmed, I'm thinking. Alexis darling, didn't you get caught up before and behind signing paperwork, leaving about receipts? You can't do that. I don't know why Rashid didn't send kind of an anonymous. He could have said my name was Bill Barrymore from the Gullah Gullah Island. He could have made up anything, but he didn't. So she's sitting on pins and needles for the rest of the episode, kind of waiting on said explosion.

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Oh, another person who does not understand what discretion means is our good sister Corbethias Curbethias has been invited by none other than Blake Carrington for lunch. Not at La Mirage, where everyone else goes, not even at the house they both live in. No, no, no, no. Blake has the option of having his help come to his office and lay out a gorgeous spread. Only, it's not gorgeous. It looks rather sickly. Shout out to.

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Bob pointed out something that was always sort of dancing in the back of my mind and I try not to let it take me out of the scene too many times. But you have props. Obviously, this is a. This is television. You can't have fresh food all the time because it's going to change. On Dynasty, alexis always has a spread. There's always seemed to be some sort of food on this show and by and large, they do a pretty good job, I think. As long as you have like fruit or breads, you don't really have to think about it. You can reuse those day after day, as long as they, you know, once you get them pretty fresh. This is the second time they've had meat on the show and it just has this weird sort of sickly peachy gray tone to it. It looks very rubbery and this scene is no different.

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So Kirby and and Blake are sitting in his office. Of course he has servants. They have a full table with a tablecloth, no paper blade, they got real blade. They each have a glass of wine and a glass of water and it looks like lunch is a pre-sliced platter of sickly looking crab legs and lemons.

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Blake basically called her down there because the lieutenant at the police station told him that he showed Kirby the suicide note and he just wants to fill her out a little bit. He's like I know this is devastating and I want you to know that your dad never, ever wanted you to know about your mom. I hope you can forgive Alexis Like she's. I know she seems a little bit ruthless, but she was. I mean, she was just not thinking. I promise you she didn't have any ill will toward you. Just try to forgive her. Like you're going to be married to Adam, you don't want any drama.

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So I find it kind of cute that both Blake and Alexis are championing each other behind closed doors. I'm not going to give you your props to your face, but behind your back Alexis is telling Steven keep it cute with your dad, that relationship's important, and Blake is telling his future daughter-in-law. Hey, I don't. I mean. I know it sucks, but just think of Adam. You guys are about to be a family. She's going to be in your life, like, let's just try to make this as happy as possible. Cute, but not cute.

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So Kirby says absolutely, blake, I can assure you that I'll make sure this is taken care of. She's not blinking and if you read the sign, she said okay, I'm going to take care of it. You know what I'm saying. So she goes into the hallway and she makes a very loud, very public phone call on a pay phone. She gives her full government name Good afternoon. This is Kirby Anders. I am calling for Mr Gunman who's going to teach me how to shoot. I need shooting lessons on this day and this time. Can we please confirm that I, kirby Anders, will be shooting with lessons From a man who's giving me shooting lessons? I have acquired a gun on this day, at this time. Yes, kirby, thank you for letting at least 20 people know that you have a gun. So something pop off a little later. We already know what to look.

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Steven is really getting on my nerves. New face, steven is a huge pain in the butt. I missed the original one. New one is feeling himself a little too much for me. He's really pissed about these papers. I'm going to force myself now to go back and just I need to get to the bottom of this. I'm tired of the arguing, so let's just backtrack just a little bit. It must be the morning in question.

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This all happens on baby Blake's birthday or the day of his party. I don't know if it's his actual birthday, but Steven is coming downstairs and he has on like a sweatshirt that says Princeton or Yale or some Ivy League school and some shorts. He's clearly on his way to work out. Adam is on the phone questioning someone about some leases. So he's gone ahead and done some legwork to see the best places to go ahead and start drilling for the oil wells that Denver Carrington is going to keep. Yes, blake has this deal, but there's other people who are kind of vying to get in on some of those wells and some of those are going to keep. So Adam has done his due diligence. He's found some wells. He was able to present it to Blake and Blake's like oh, this is so good, adam, go ahead and set it up.

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It seems like Adam was taken aback. Maybe he expected to have to prove himself a little bit more. Maybe he expected some resistance, which is why I think I'm so irritated at Steven, because even when Adam was doing fine at Colby Co, he always had to prove himself he was. It was very clear that he was a second favorite son and Steven's voice trumped his. So, mind you, steven did have a little bit more of an oil background, but that does. That's beside the point.

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So Adam's on the phone trying to figure out like hey, what's going on? Have you guys started digging? Can you have so-and-so? Call me. Stephen comes downstairs make little slick comments. Oh, look at you, big ruler, you're just yelling at people. Adam's like are you still on it? Please go somewhere, stephen, could you please get out of my face?

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Steven walks off and goes into that god awful gym. They have a gym in the mansion that is carpeted, which everyone knows is really gross. But I think sometimes in the 80s they had carpet in the bathroom too. We all know better. I feel like we knew better. And then they did it anyway. And then they were like okay, maybe that wasn't a great idea, we knew better. And then they did it anyway. And then they were like okay, maybe that wasn't a great idea. You think you want a room filled with sweat that you could usually just mop up, but now it's going to be soaking into this hideous blood red carpet.

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Well, jeff is in there lifting a total of about 27 pounds, sweating profusely, trying to get his money his morning. But I can't even say it. He's having a gym bro moment. He's trying to get the blood pumping before he goes to the office. Steven comes in and he's like I'm just going to do a little road bike thing. And I guess Adam was thinking to himself no, I keep letting this slide. I can't keep letting this slide. So he runs up on him in the gym.

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But when Adam sees that Jeff is in there, he's like okay, last thing I want to do is tell all my business, I'm not going to go there. But he's already talking as he's opening the door as siblings do, like you can't just let your little sibling say something and run off. You got to run up on him. So Adam says Steven, we got to get to the bottom of this, I'm getting sick. And then he sees Jeff. He's like OK, this isn't the time and the place, but we are going to finish this. I promise you that we're going to finish this. So he leaves and Jeff's. I guess this is the first time Jeff's ever seen them arguing. So he asked Stephen what's going on? Stephen's like well to know. Adam is to be upset with Adam. Just ask him about the south sea things. So the whole deal. And jeff has that inquisitive look on his face.

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They also share some bs memory about somebody threw something on fallon. Fallon thought it was jeff, so she sucker punched him in the face. I did enjoy that part, but I hate these little false memories of oh, we're so close. Remember when we were kids we used to hang out. No, I don't, you know why, because it didn't happen. And how old is everybody.

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This is very confusing anyway, because of that slip up that morning where adam burst into the sweaty, sweaty, stinky, carpet filled gym, jeff now feels entitled to ask adam about it at work. Wait a minute, why was Adam at work? Adam works for okay, no, that's right, that's right. This family they scrambled about too much. Adam works at Denver Carrington. Jeff works at Denver Carrington but he's also collecting Colby Co money because he is the him and baby Blake are the only Colby's.

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So when Adam comes into his office to give him the new paperwork for the new wells that blake has already approved. Jeff wants to know. Well, what was up with you and steven this morning? And adam's like oh my god, jeff dude, this kid will not let it go. He thinks I stole his stupid qed report. But I told him I've been working on the qed report with jorge. And jeff's like well, is that true? Adam says yeah, I've been doing it ever since colorado spring. Well, jeff says the only thing I remember in colorado springs is your botched date rape attempt with kirby. Adam's like jeff here, why are you bringing up old stuff? We're past that. As soon as the ink is dry on your papers, I'm going to pick up your divorced wife. I have to be very specific in this moment. I'm going to pick up your second divorced wife. Sir, they better stop pushing Adam up against the wall.

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But it's so funny when I watch this scene. It's so funny when I watch this scene when Jeff and Steven were in the workout room pumping. Well, steven was working out. Jeff was, like I said, lifting 27 pounds. Maybe it was like 50 or 60 pounds. It wasn't a lot.

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I remember thinking to myself you know what this family needs. They need another brother. That was my thought they need. It has to be a boy. It can't be Fallon, because you know she's already faded into the background.

Speaker 1:

Adam, in this instant, adam still wants approval, whether he admits it or not, he still wants approval. Jeff and Steven it's too easy for them to sort of tag team. Adam needs some sort of ally. And also you need a Carrington son who's like a douche bag. We needed someone who was like almost roided out. He needs to have Blake's anger issue. He needs to be stunning. He needs to look like Alexis, like dark hair, her eyes, just, you know, good looking and just totally douchey. He needs to be unapologetic about being rich. He need we need a lance. That's what you need. You need somebody to, because you got that. Jeff is the do-gooder. Steven is trying to prove something. Adam just wants love. Fallon, you know I need. I need an obnoxious, a pleasantly obnoxious carrington boy.

Speaker 1:

And at the end of the episode I swear to you I haven't gone any further than this alexis kind of mentioned something. I'm like wait what? But this is a soap opera. So you know, only time will tell. Hopefully not. Surely she hadn't forgotten she had yet another baby because Adam came out of nowhere. Adam was a rain baby that they left outside of his cart while they were shopping.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, let's get to the main events and the big, big place. So Blake is planning a trip to, I think, san Francisco. He's calling his PJ like hey, y'all guys have the plane, I got some business to tend to. Somebody, send a car around, get me to the airport. So he flies private, obviously, so at the private airport when he arrives.

Speaker 1:

Well, alexis is coming home from Hong Kong and, baby, she's coming home in style. She's got on a fresh set of fur. I think these are fox tails or something. It's like loose pieces burgundy. I can't tell if it's like burgundy fur or not. The point is she looks fabulous and she's looking at him to make sure he notices her, and then she kind of coyly turns her head and walks off. You also see Mark in the background in a tracksuit. He looks hot, I'm not gonna lie. And then there's probably eight or nine men pulling boxes and all this luggage out of her private jet. I love the fact that Alexis was able to fly private all the way to Hong Kong, where Blake had to hitch a ride at some point.

Speaker 1:

So Blake walks up to Alexis and, mind you, she knows that she's already put a plan in play with Rashida Med, but she has to keep it cute. So Blake walks up to her and he's like hey, alexis, he's gloating without really saying much because you know he's that guy, he's the most famous dude in the world right now. He's he's locked in a deal that no one else could and he knows that this acquisition is going to move him from second place just under alexis to on top of her and he can't wait. So before she starts to poke at him, you know, know, she pulls a Mariah Carey. Can I get a little commotion for my outfit? Hey, blake, you know I'm in Hong Kong, got me some new things. She shows him her ring. Look at my ring, look at my coat, don't I look good? Anyway, saw you and Richette on TV. You look real cute together.

Speaker 1:

When y'all get so cutesy cozy, I thought you couldn't stand him. Blake's. Like you know, I don't have anything getting between business and world domination. It is what it is and yeah, we are kind of cute together. Thank you so much for setting us up. She was like wow, that's just kind of weird, don't you hate him. I thought it was about that. He's like, like I said, business is business. Thank you for setting us up, though I really do. I really like my new relationship with Ahmed.

Speaker 1:

She then says you know, that's real funny. You never thanked me for giving you three beautiful children, but you thanked me for Rashid Ahmed and the new money you're going to make. Oh, isn't that rich? Blake says well, you know, I got to thank my baby mother. If not for you, I wouldn't be where I am. Do you know where I am, alexis? I am almost number one. I am almost a number one oil company in the entire world. I am no longer second place to Colby Co. I'm numero uno. Thanks to you, my love, thank you. I'm numero uno. Thanks to you, my love, thank you. I'm paraphrasing here people. She's still smiling and she says that's the day they'll give away fur coats and hell.

Speaker 1:

Well, a little later on she's chilling in her apartment. She's laid up like I am at the moment. Looks she's anxious. You know she's already gotten a cable card telling her that there's going to be an explosion, so she's trying to watch the news all day. Mind you, mark has been there. Mark was ear hustling at the airport, even comes up to say something. She's like you know, I feel about you listening. Go to your room, mark. So he leaves. He sees her on the couch fluttering on the tv, like going back and forth with all the channels probably all like five channels in 1984. When he says alexis, you're giving off. I know something, you don't know energy. Are you expecting some news? Because he is reporting to the congressman. So he's like mark, oh my god, take your hangover and your bloody mary and scram mark's like you forgot to tell me to go to my room. Go to your room, mark. What's understood doesn't have to be explained. You know where to go. Scram. Well, as he's leaving, dex Dexter comes walking in.

Speaker 1:

Remember when we talked about Martha at the top of the episode? Martha Stewart Well, I watched her show today, but I've watched her documentary a little while back. I've always kind of kept up with her. If you haven't seen the Netflix documentary then I don't know if you were a fan of her. But it's like the Martha you think you know she is exactly who you think she is and then she's the total opposite of that. That makes sense.

Speaker 1:

So the documentary she's just kind of talking about her life, life how her dad was kind of an unstable person. This encouraged her to make sure she had her own money when the opportunity presented her itself. One of her homegirls had a rich husband or rich brother. She made sure she was aligned so she could meet him. You know, she was modeling. She did this, that and the third, with stocks and whatnot, lived this whole interesting life. But one of the more interesting things is she's talking about being on her honeymoon right, going into this beautiful church and then meeting this.

Speaker 1:

He was either italian or irish, I can't remember which one. Uh, she basically had a little rendezvous with him and then when the, the producers, are like oh well, how was the affair? She's like what affair they were like with the, the italian guy or the irish guy? That didn't count, he was italian or he was irish. I'm like martha, she was dead serious, led me to believe she had many affairs. Was she like? I mean, that didn't count, I didn't like him, like I wasn't in love? You, that's beside the point.

Speaker 1:

This is the same energy alexis is giving on this couch to dex, like he's. He's kind of pissed, but he's like we still have business to tend to. Mind you, he has a master plan she didn't know anything about. Well, she's like well, are you coming to apologize to me? She pulled a full-on mark. The steward like yes, I was cheating. You need to apologize for coming to Hong Kong, because that doesn't count. So, ladies and gentlemen, I guess the rule of thumb is if you have an affair on your honeymoon, as long as a person is from Italy or Ireland, it doesn't count. I don't know why those are the rules. I don't make them. Alexis feels the same way. This is Hong Kong. This is basically. You weren't supposed to be there, so you need to apologize to me. I'm glad we're not together, no more.

Speaker 1:

Dex is pissed, but she's heartbroken. I think he's like you know what? I'm not fooling with you anymore, but, by the way, blake did just fire his PR lady. She might be good for you. And Alexis is like bros before hoes. Dude, I don't hire women. You take that women's lib elsewhere. Actually, she was like nah, I don't think so. She's really cute, though. Maybe you should hire her. She is completely unbothered, but that was kind of my thought too, like she didn't hire a woman, so maybe she will, maybe she will, maybe she won't. I don't know, but she's reclining in her seat eating her delicious charcuterie board when dex pulls out the key. He pulled out like a harry potter key and he drops it right in the middle of her ranch dip. Would you still eat it? I don't know. Dex seems to have Pond's cold cream moisturized hands too, but no, it's like you drew in the whole thing. She has money to get more and she's forced to eat a dry piece of broccoli when he leaves. That's the most tragic part of this episode.

Speaker 1:

So, fiends, in a rather disappointing turn of events, jeff colby is a clown. He is an actual clown. We been knew that. But this episode he is dressing up as a clown for his child's birthday and I have to say I don't know what pisses me off more. If it is his absolute lackluster attempt at being a clown, you would think somebody that corny and goofy, this would be right up your alley. But you also need sort of a personality to be a clown and he lacks a lot of that. I don't know if that pisses me off more or the fact that he is being touted as a sexy clown. It's all rather disturbing.

Speaker 1:

So I'm minding my business when all of a sudden I see he and fallon in, I guess, their bedroom I don't know whose bedroom you're sharing what and there's little hints that you know how you feeling. You're the most handsome clown I've ever seen. Why don't you staying around? Make sure you, you. I can't wait to see you in those shoes. Think about marrying me, right? Okay, cool, he does.

Speaker 1:

He has. I keep using pond cold cream. He has pond cold cream. He has noxzema on his face. He doesn't even have the energy or the imagination or the integrity to put a decent coat of white paint on his face. He didn't even have the energy or the imagination or the integrity to put a decent coat of white paint on his face. To become a said clown. Do it all the way or take it off.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, he's going to be the clown for his own son's party. And baby over the top is an understatement. This is a weird feverish dream of a party. I'm not saying it looks bad. It's got all the traditional pieces. There's tons of balloons, there's obviously cake. This was like a three or four tier cake. It is incredible. It would be well over a thousand dollars in today's money. But you got to keep in mind this is for a two-year-old. Everybody knows, with kids like the first, probably three birthday parties. They may or may not even remember. They probably don't even know it's their birthday until their third birthday, and even then they don't really care like that. So anything you do before that, you're really doing it for pictures, right Like Harrington's. No, no limits. Martha Stewart would even be like okay, now can we scale this back a little bit bit? They have an actual choo-choo train.

Speaker 1:

Children are being driven all over the the yard not bad. There's a guy juggling. There is a giant wooden rocking horse. There is a giant jack-in-the-box. That is terrifying because it's an actual clown. This thing is at least six feet tall.

Speaker 1:

There is a princess who looks like she just got out of the hospital. She might have a little novocaine issue. She got on a giant hat. She is not interacting with them kids, but there is y'all. There is a mermaid in a terrible latex bottom right and I swear to you, I implore you to watch this episode there's a little girl standing behind her and this baby, I just know, is fighting all of her invasive thoughts. She keeps looking like I'm going to push her in here. I'm going to push her in here. So in my head she definitely pushed her into the. How old are these kids? Yeah, these are millennials. She definitely got pushed in that pool, I promise you she did. But and millennials? She definitely got pushed in that pool, promise you she did.

Speaker 1:

But there are tons of children around and they're all dressed to the nines. Like the boys have on sports coats, the girls are in their dresses. We've got a giant. There's actually like two giant nutcrackers, like the kind you have at Christmas. There's a gentleman running around in a horse suit.

Speaker 1:

I thought about this when you, when you have props on a show, you can't have animals. Sometimes animals are a little unpredictable and horses like to poop. Let's see, you got a balloon artist. Baby blake is freaking the f out the entire time. By the way, neither he nor baby steven what's steven's baby's name? Um, baby danny. Neither one of them are feeling this. This is freaking them both out. I would love to be a fly on the wall in their nursery that night when they're talking about this.

Speaker 1:

They have shetland ponies. That blake doesn't know the difference between a pony and a horse. He's like hey, this is a nice little horse. He had in my mind the ponies. I'm a pony and a horse. He's like hey, this is a nice little horse and, in my mind, the ponies I'm a pony fish jugglers, whoever there's a girl doing, she's not a contortionist. She is giving cheer stunt to me, which isn't bad, but they're not like tossing her.

Speaker 1:

The point I'm trying to make, though, is that she looks exactly like Fallon. I wonder if that's her cousin or her little sister or something. There's just whatever you can think of. There's stuff everywhere. There's little kids sitting at a table in their sport coats or looking at the balloons, and they have plates filled with popcorn. Not food, just popcorn. So we're drinking this all in.

Speaker 1:

Jeff is half-ass clowning. Hey, kid, come here. Hey, what do you think of Mr Clown? Mr Clown, mr Clown. That's the most creative thing, mr Clown. I can't stand, jeff.

Speaker 1:

The rest of this episode just pisses me off, with the exception of Kirby taking gun lessons and being she's a crack shot. Who would have ever thought Other than that? The rest of this pisses me off. Let me just state that, except for Alexis. So Alexis comes waltzing in in her Easter Sunday dress and a hat and she's playing it cool. I think she feels good about being invited to the party Because she you know she usually sometimes she's had to miss out on stuff.

Speaker 1:

She goes over to Blake, like hey, I hope we can put this, you know, sweep everything under the rug and when you see my bed, I hope you'll consider it. He's like I'll consider, I mean, you are my baby's mother, I'll absolutely make sure you know if your bed is good, you're gonna get it. Don't even worry about it. So she goes into the house and she forgets, or shouldn't forget. She doesn't care. But she is not the woman of the manor, she, she's hungry. She sees the kids with their popcorn plates. She's a full woman. She's not about to eat that. So she walks around and all she sees is water, chestnuts or watercress instead of caviar. She's like hey, what does a girl got to do to get some caviar in this bitch? Well, the maids, they're still a little afraid of her. They're like I'm sorry, mrs Colby, this is Mrs Carrington's house and she wanted watercress or watercress.

Speaker 1:

Crystal has walked into the house and she she handles this rather well. She's like all right, somebody get this. Wait, some caviar hors d'oeuvres please. They step into a separate room and it's at this point that alexis starts to notice that crystal's not drinking champagne and she's like are you pregnant? Crystal's like yeah, you might have taken my other baby, but you'll never take this one, you'll never get anywhere near it. And alexis is like big whoop, I think you're the first person to ever get pregnant or lose a baby. Don't even trip, talk to me when you've had at least four kids. Chris was like four. See, this is what I'm saying. I swear I didn't look ahead, I swear I didn't. But she says four and then she kind of corrects herself. I guess I can't count the miscarriage before Stephen. I have three. Don't act like you're the only person who's ever given birth or lost a baby. So now I'm wondering well, a little later on, crystal, you know she she feels kind of bad, like oh crap, I didn't know that. So she asked Blake about it later on, like I didn't know that y'all had a miscarriage before Stephen, we didn't have a miscarriage. So I don't know what that's about. Either he didn't know. Sounds to me like she might have had an affair and got pregnant with somebody else's baby and lost it. But why bring it up?

Speaker 1:

Here's the thing about dynasty. If this was any other show, I would probably take it fully, fully, fully to heart. I'm actually hoping it is to heart, and I'm hoping they have a douchebag west coast jim bra type kid who comes in and wreaks havoc. We need a bad boy like a bad bad boy. Not that I feel bad about it, adam boy, it's so. It's so weird, but it's like she had. You can't.

Speaker 1:

I'm all for the soap opera introducing children thing, but you can't do this Like you. They've already had. They had the two. We didn't talk about anything else. Then, all of a sudden, you had a third one, who you found. Now there's a fourth one. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. But, like I said, if this was any other soap opera, I would. I would count it as gospel, but we'll just see dynasty.

Speaker 1:

From what I can tell too someone told me this before sometimes they just bring up stuff and they just don't bring it up again. What they keep bringing up, though, is that jeff is some sort of sexy clown. Jeff is getting on my last nerves. Like I said, either be in it or be out of it. Be good or be good at it. You're not good or good at it.

Speaker 1:

He's coming down the stairs and Kirby gets an eyeful of him and she's like dang. Oh, my god, my knight in shining armor turned in his, his armor for a clown. He's like, well, you know, you gotta do things for the kids. She's like, well, you're about the most handsome clown I've ever seen. She is literally salivating. She is looking him up and down, down and up. I'm like Kirby, does this, this, this, it for you? This explains a lot. Well, he, you know he's not, he doesn't care, he's never really cared, but she thinks he's hot, even in clown makeup. I just wish they stopped lying to him.

Speaker 1:

This is a terrible, terrible face painting job. He is a terrible, very offy clown. And somebody gave him a bicycle horn. Mind you, fallon has a whole symphony of just metal clanging in her head, of just metal clanging in her head. She's already worried about these kids hooping and hollering and screaming and crying, having to walk through that. He keeps honking his damn horn. So he's come on, kids, it's Mr Clown. Honk, honk, honk, honk. I want to kill him. I want to push him right in that bowl. I swear there's a kid wearing a top hat too. So finally, let's just push past all this crap. No, no, no. One other thing.

Speaker 1:

Adam sees this quick little exchange between she and and jeff. He doesn't like it. But what can he do about it? He's like listen you, I mean he, you still want this clown. Are you gonna marry me? She's like I'm gonna marry you, I'm making plans, don't even worry about it. Promptly turns on her heels as soon as she sees alexis walk through the door. She's like hey, alexis, is that working in paris? Offer still open? Alexis is like yeah, I'd love to send you to paris so you don't marry my son. Absolutely speaking of marriage, finally, the day's over.

Speaker 1:

Fallon has taken baby blake to bed and when I say this kid looks shell shocked. He looks like he's been through it. He needs some warm milk and a nice cold cigarette to just shake the day off of. He looks like he's been through it. He needs some warm milk and an ice cold cigarette to just shake the day off of. He looks like oh my god, I don't even know what I just saw. Well, jeff comes walking in and he's talking to fallon about. You know what a great day. I've never seen my son so happy. He and baby steven or baby danny were freaking out the entire party. Those kids hated it. Fallon's like yeah, it was such a success.

Speaker 1:

She'd also gotten a call from a doctor saying that everything looks good. She has one of the best brains he's ever seen in all of Denver. She's like okay, perfect. So I guess her headaches went away as soon as she heard that. I hope they went away. Because Jeff goes there's still one more present Now. I'd love to give him points for the presentation if this woman wasn't dealing with a super duper atomic migraine.

Speaker 1:

He has a three-tier jack-in-the-box which I have never seen in my life, but she cranks it and it's, you know, traditional layer. Next layer pops up, next layer pops up and when the top opens, instead of yet another, another clowns. We got plenty of those in the room. Right now it's the biggest, gaudiest super bowl. Ja, ja, ruby red ring I've ever seen. It almost puts sue ellen's ring to shame. It is ginormous, it screams. I am definitely the leader of the Gambino crime family. Or I took this off of Henry VIII, or I just won the Super Bowl Huge ring. She said oh my gosh, this is when Jeff mentions oh, this was grandmother Colby. Cecil left it to me. He keep bringing up Cecil. We all. We know there's a spinoff coming, so I won't ignore that clue. This is probably the second or third episode. He's talked about Cecil.

Speaker 1:

So they decide they're going to go ahead and make this thing real and they try to kiss and conjure up a little bit of passion, but it is as pleasant as those paper gowns they make you wherever you go to the doctor's office. It's just you know. Okay, we're doing this because we need to. As if it's not enough that they have everyone has been at a super duper, super loud birthday party all day. Fallon sends out a a wire, I guess and tells the whole house they need to put on their Sunday best and come downstairs. Penguin suits for the dudes, full gowns for the gals. Meet us in the library at 8 pm. So everybody goes to the library except Kirby. Adam can't find Kirby. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1:

Fallon and Jeff announce that they are getting married and they're not going to go to Vegas this time, because you know his dead uncle, really who. She really wanted to bang and did. Bang for rewriting history. Wanted them to get married with a quickness. No shotgun weddings for them. No sirree, we're gonna have a real wedding.

Speaker 1:

Oh god, my back already hurts from slipping and falling in my own laundry room. This hurts worse. This was painful. I just god, I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. I cannot, uh, suck my teeth and just oh and. But I guess we're gonna endure this.

Speaker 1:

Everyone is super happy they're clinking glasses. I'll be so pissed, fallon, don't you ever? You could announce this when that kid was opening presents. You could have told me this at breakfast. Why the hell am I getting dressed for the fourth time today for this again? Y'all get on my nerves. Don't call me for nothing else. Send me an email.

Speaker 1:

Well, thankfully someone comes in. One of the help, one of the butlers, comes and he's like hey, lawyer andrews on the phone, boy, he's very, very upset. He said that you should turn on the television right now and watch the news. Blake didn't ask any questions. Okay, cool, turn on the tv, dude. Dude turns on the tv. It's a whole news announcement talking about blake. Carrington may be in over his head.

Speaker 1:

Basically, the deal he made turns out to have been a sham the hundred million100 million raised and given to Rashid Ahmed, who was representing that country. They're still not saying what country was apparently to buy arms so that that country could fight this country or the other country. This and that freaking frack Blake's like wait, no, no, it was for oil wells, not for weapons, doesn't matter. The whole world thinks Blake chose a side and he is funding one government. So the other government is like, oh okay, cool, you want smoke, we got it. So now there's this whole little conflict. Does that, or does that not sound exactly like Dallas Damn near episode for episode. That's pretty much the end of this episode.

Speaker 1:

Oh, one other little caveat morgan has came out of jail. He went to alexis's house like, hey, girl, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna go to jail. Wait a minute. I was thinking about something earlier when danny and blake were crying. I forgot that claudia them live at the mansion now. I mean, I realize they do now, but I forgot why they moved.

Speaker 1:

Isn't somebody trying to kidnap this kid Baby? Not Baby Blake. What's his name, danny? They really should name him Steven Jr. I thought they were, I thought he was being followed or whatever. I guess he wouldn't. It wouldn't be a problem if he's behind closed doors. You would be safe at the mansion, which is the point, and there's so many people there. But this feels very much like last season. Remember, when they thought it was baby Blake that Claudia took? I don't know, I just remember that was one of the storylines that nothing ever came up. Somebody was going to kidnap. I guess what triggered it is the whole Jeff and there's all these people at the party and I remember that that was kind of the thing that set up the not kidnapping last season. They just had a bunch of people in and out of the house for no reason, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

All right guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. All right guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. I had a very good time. Even if I'm not a fan of this BS relationship between Fallon and Jeff, I am a fan of hating on it. Plus, kirby's a crack shot. Alexis has a target on her back, actually on her face.

Speaker 1:

Things are heating up for blake. So blake said he and adam are gonna head to hong kong in the morning to get to the bottom of it with rashida med. Now I have to also say blake should have known better if you couldn't stand a med, for whatever reason. If he was untrustworthy, then he's untrustworthy now if he's representing an entire government. There's no way I would believe that government is going to be like an upstanding place. They were clearly dealing with do dirt types you should expect to be a dirty blake. It is what it is. All right, guys, that's it, that's all. Join me next time we go back into another rhyme time storyline filled with vintage boxes. In the meantime, in between times, if you're traveling international and you have a little slip up, make sure the person is from Ireland or Italy. It doesn't count. Per, martha Stewart. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized with Palm Skull Cream. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized with Palm Skull Cream. Mind your business and do all of your drama on TV. Bye.