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S4 EP25 Falcon Crest: Devil's Harvest- The " Keep It In The Family" Episode

• Jett Shae • Episode 299

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Speaker 1:

You think Joseph is going to run around telling well, listen, my daddy didn't. You know, he's not really great at relationships, he can't stand to be alone, so he'll marry anybody. He'll marry Baker's daughter. He'll marry the vineyard down the street's daughter. He'll hook up with some rando. He's just not that.

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to Soap Lord, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG Jaihar fans of the Golden Age of Primetime. I'm your host, chet. I'm viewing and reviewing the soapiest, sexiest primetime storylines of 1984-1985. So, whether you're new to this or to this, please sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight kids, it's time to play outside or out of sight. So, babe, no questions, suggestions or concerns. In the next 30 to 45 minutes, everyone else in the air shot cool, quiet or kicked out. Are you on the option? Do that, choose wisely, because we are watching our stories. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is SoFloor. Hello, gorgeous, welcome back to another fun-filled edition of SoFloor. I hope your day is shaping up well and I hope you understand that I really mean that I'm not going to sit here and wax poetics about how I want my soap fiends to be at their best, living your absolute best life.

Speaker 1:

But I am sitting here watching Devil's Harvest, which is season 4, episode 25. I cannot believe. We're on episode 25 of Falcon Crest and something suddenly occurred to me. We live in the age of the algorithm and I feel like I'm being plotted against. I feel like Amazon is now my ops. What I'm finding when I'm watching my shows on Amazon obviously, this is where I watch Falcon Crest. Amazon has a sense of humor. Amazon has submitted to the dark side.

Speaker 1:

Do you know that I came here to watch season four? Amen, I've been watching season four for how many months at this point, do you know that Amazon threw me into season seven? Now, granted, nothing was spoiled. I figured out pretty quickly by their clothes and what I was hearing. It was like wait a minute, this is not. This is not the episode I left off on. Amazon is out to sabotage you. So I I have a.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to direct people in the wrong way. You need to be extra diligent. If you were a newbie watching these shows, I mean, you're not like me, unless you're doing a podcast, you could probably just binge it, but this is so upsetting I got in the middle of season seven of Falcon Crest and I was like, wait a minute, what the hell? Who are these people? I saw a couple familiar faces but I didn't know what was happening. There was like a whole hostage situation.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, that has nothing to do with how your day is flowing. I hope your day is flowing well. I am sitting back. I have regrouped.

Speaker 1:

We're going to jump into one or two pieces of fan mail. Go ahead and pour yourself something bubbly and bright and delicious. We are watching season four, episode 25 of Falcone Crust, Devil's Harvest. So this fan mail comes from Mari. She says I just wanted to say I love your Dallas crash episode.

Speaker 1:

I was kind of young when I watched it, like around 11 or 10 years old when I used to watch the show with my grandma. So the memory is a little bit fuzzy. Still, something about Gary and Valene stuck with me. I continued to watch this show throughout my teen and early adult years and I was always rooting for them. They always felt different from the rest of the cast, even if I don't totally understand why at the time. If I didn't totally understand why at the time, I was didn't totally understand why at the time.

Speaker 1:

I was wondering now that you're three seasons into the spinoff, how do you feel about Gary and Valene? Thanks for keeping the vintage vibes alive and making it all so fun to revisit. I'm definitely tuning in for more lore. Thank you, madi, okay. Okay. So I'm assuming Madi has just started watching and I gotta be honest with you, I don't always remember what I said before. Call it perimenopause, call it just being an adult person, I don't really remember. But Gary and Val, there's always been something that stuck out to me a little strangely. So I don't mean to bore you guys, if you've already been a show, fan of the show and listen to all the episodes we are nearing 300 I am just flabbergasted. We're gonna have to do a giveaway or something.

Speaker 1:

But, um, initially gary and val didn't really stand out to me. Maybe Gary did, because I thought it was interesting that there was another Ewing who had walked away. That was me walking into this blind. I thought Gary was super interesting that he walked away, but then when I saw the way that he behaved when there was a challenge, I thought, okay, that makes sense. I can tell you with full integrity, I did not expect to see that character ever, ever, ever, ever again.

Speaker 1:

I assumed it was a first season. We're just kind of throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks. I didn't think there'd be anything else to learn about Gary Ewing. As far as Val, all I remember is I called her every name in the book Vanita, vaseline, vidalia and I will continue to do so. Her name is Vidalia as far as I'm concerned, but I just remember she was kind of spaced out. I felt like she was kind of cracked out in a lot of the earlier episodes.

Speaker 1:

Again, I thought this was a throwaway character. Even though this was Lucy's mom. I didn't really consider that she would be on the show more than once. So I am assuming there's a lot of assuming here. And when I saw the episode where Gary had come back and a it was Shackleford and not Aykroyd I was like that's weird. But I mean it makes sense and soap operas people come and they go. You need relatives, it's okay.

Speaker 1:

I didn't really think much of it. I thought it'd be a one or done or I thought they would be. I actually thought they would be a part of the cast of Dallas. So when they said Nos Landing, I damn near fainted. If you watch that episode. If you listen to that episode, you already know I didn't take it well.

Speaker 1:

One of my toxic traits is that my knee jerk reaction is really, really heavy on the jerk. It's like 20% reaction, 80% jerk. But I think that's just learning the information. It's just in my wildest dreams. I had never fathomed that Gary would be interesting enough to have an entire spinoff on, and I think that's the beauty of watching these shows so much. Later I remembered Knot's Landing, cause that was my aunt's favorite show.

Speaker 1:

I used to confuse Noxzema and Knott's Landing all the time, but when I um went to like Google it or just figure out when the season started, even though they had pictures of the cast, it didn't make me any nevermind, because I don't know who these people were and it didn't click. I'm realizing this as I'm saying this. It didn't click to me that that was going to be Gary and Darlene. I didn't recognize. I just didn't recognize them.

Speaker 1:

I think when you're experiencing things in real time you're not noting all of the details. So how don't feel like they're star-crossed lovers? I think they are people who met each other at the right time. They had a good moment and then they had a terrible moment after that. I think Gary was looking for something he couldn't really handle. He wasn't man enough to take, so he bounced, bounced. I think valine was running to something she thought would be more secure ie the ewing family and it didn't just work out.

Speaker 1:

So when I have never really bought the knots landing spinoff that they were so in love and they fell in love with each other because when we saw them on dallas gary was still. He didn't want his family to know. So there's always kind of been a just I don't know. I've never really bought into it very much. And what I think about them now is that these are people who have been apart for many, many years. I think they have grown. I don't know what their relationship was before, but I can imagine at 15, and I don't know how old he was 17, 18, 19. I don't know. They're different people. I think they are both holding on to a dream. I think they are holding on to the one person who might have had some belief in them or given them some security. I think in Valene's case this was the most secure relationship she thought she ever had, and I think in Gary's case this was the first time someone believed in him and saw something else in him Going forward. I think it's inevitable. I think they are different people and I don't know. You're not the same person at 15 as you are at 30. You're just not. So time will tell. Time would tell.

Speaker 1:

Remember, if you have an opinion or thought or even a bit of trivia that you want to share with me, I'm always open to hear that. You can reach out in the show notes. If you're listening to this on your mobile device. In the show notes, one of the first lines you should see is send us a text. You can send me a text and tell me your thoughts and I will be sure to share them on the air. With your permission, if you are a little more old school, like myself and most of my listeners, go ahead and send me an email. You can send me an email to SoapLorePodcast at gmailcom. That is S-O-A-P, l-o-r-e-p-o-d, c-a-s-t at gmailcom, short version.

Speaker 1:

I'm not really buying into their super, super love story. However, that does not mean you get to disrespect the Vidalia Onion Queen Period. Blink, blink. I'm going to act a teetotal fool If I show it out before I'm going to show out again. I don't appreciate disrespect. Period, all right, devil's Harvest.

Speaker 1:

This episode starts off in the aftermath of Lance's conviction. Not only was he convicted of trying to kill his grandmother via vehicular manslaughter or murder, he was sentenced to seven years, which seems kind of harsh. But when you pay off judges you get a longer sentence. Angela's big piss, and I think this is an interesting moment of character development. Now I have noticed that anytime she's going to flip or she's going to turn heel even more than she is, she's always wearing red. It's usually some form of polka dots. This episode she opens the show in a gray business suit with a black and yellow polka dot top. Of course she's got the little pocket, whatever it's called.

Speaker 1:

Listen, I don't dress up enough to know, but she big mad, she cannot believe that her grandbaby, her heir to the throne, is going to prison. Not just jail, not the county clink. He's going to big prison with big criminals, with big egos, with big God knows what else, and he's going to have to fend for himself while in said prison. So the media is swarming like flies on doo-doo. They are all over the place. They're all on her personal property. How they got to her porch, I can't even imagine you would think someone like Angela Channing big perm would have people with Tommy guns and all that. But that's not the case. Not the case at all. They pull up to her front door and she's pissed. She Not the case at all. They pull up to her front door and she's pissed. She has had more than enough of this. So when Maggie walks in, she's even more pissed off, because not only is Maggie someone she knows, maggie is oppressed. All she sees is red. What are you doing here, maggie? Maggie's like listen, I don't believe Lance is guilty any more than you do. We need to figure this out Now.

Speaker 1:

This is sadly, some of the worst acting in this entire episode. This is some bad acting. Lorraine comes up here, comes whimsical Emma and they're all like Lance is innocent. Maggie has been defending him from the beginning. I can't understand why Lorraine flip-flops from decent to just abysmal T-Rash with a capital T. The acting is trash and Angela ain't trying to hear it All. Y'all get the hell out of my face. She says and Maggie's like listen, not everybody's against you, big Ang. Not everybody wants your perm. I'm just trying to tell you I don't believe that Lance is guilty. I walked over here to say that for my castle. I'm gonna leave, since you acting up and angela's like good, get out, don't get listen. No matter how intriguing this episode is, we have got to get through these with the quickness because there's so many. So we'll start with the big players, per usual Lance.

Speaker 1:

Lance has been convicted of a crime that he did not commit. We all know, as the audience, it was Florida man, george, not George which is named Joel, but he's nowhere to be found. Sadly he does not reappear on this episode. But somehow, some miracle probably the privilege of wealth Lance is let out on bail. I'd be remiss if I didn't quote Tupac. Lance is out on bail, fresh out of jail, california scheming Soon as he stepped on the scene. He's hearing who she's fiending fiending for money and alcohol. I'm going to stop robbing on the scene. He's hearing hoochies feeding feeding for money and alcohol. I'm gonna stop. I think it's hoochie screaming, feeding for money and alcohol. But that's neither here nor there. Either way, this is a rich california man, fresh out of jail, out on bail.

Speaker 1:

Angela channing cannot believe that her money, her influence, her perm, her polka dots, her wine badassery has not earned her the privilege of getting this kid off scot-free. So what does she do? She leans on her pseudo husband, chow Lee. Chow Lee does not get enough attention on this series. If I'm being quite honest, chow Lee is her confidant. Chow Lee is about the same age as her. They have tea every morning, they have tea every night. He knows all of her deep, dark secrets. He knows where the body is buried. So who else could she lean on in order to get some sort of finagling situation? Or her grandson? So the plan is thrown.

Speaker 1:

Lance is fresh out of jail, out on bail. He's supposed to come back to the mansion and then he's going to disappear. Now let Angela tell it. She and he were having a little conversation. She goes to put her cold cream on. Next thing she knows she hears some sort of vague sports car motor in the background. She realizes her grandson is gone. Boom, we don't know where he at. We won't do, won't. The reality is she decided Lance, you're going to go to a neighborhood in San Fran and you're going to hide out with some of Charlie's cousins. Now Lance is a six foot three man who needs to hide out. So he is hidden in an apartment that belongs to someone in Chow Lee's family. It seems like it's a second or third cousin, someone not super important. The only problem is the person who was supposed to be guarding Lance is about his age.

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, can you tell me what happens when a 23-year-old man is convicted of a crime? He is let out on bail, fresh out of jail, california scheming he gets put in an apartment and his protector, or his guard, is also a 23-year-old man who's not fresh out of jail, but he is California scheming. How long do you think it's going to take before these two 23 year old males in California, early eighties, are going to go to the video arcade, they're going to go to the strip club, they're going to go to Vegas, they're going to run amok. So eventually, what has to happen is we get the cute little young guy garden Lance. We get Lance behind bars or behind a bedroom door, bored out of his mind, waiting on God knows what. This was a really poor out plan, poorly thought out plan. Now that I think about it, if he skips bail, the only future he has is an arrest and prison. There's no way to. I mean, this is the soap opera tax we're going to have to swallow in order to accept this storyline If you skip bail. I can't believe that the judge is going to be like oh okay, well, yeah, maybe you were innocent, blase, blase. That's not going to happen. But that's the plan.

Speaker 1:

Angela wants to go ahead and track down the real culprit so that her son, her grandson, can be acquitted. Only, he's locked in a room. They got another 23 year old guarding him. It is only a matter of time before the two of them paint the town red. So what they have to do is bring in a bigger dude, dirt dude, one of chile's older or older uncle. Somebody has to come in and basically keep Lance in this room. It's not all that interesting. It is also worth noting that Lance thought he was going to be able to work remotely and Although this works on Dallas when JR was shot up, it does not work on Falcon Crest because he is a criminal. See, that's the whole gotcha, gotcha. If you want to work remotely, it can't be with like an ankle monitor on.

Speaker 1:

If you can believe it, we got Leather Pants Pam, who I've never really categorized. I would. I feel like she's an antihero more than she is a bad girl, but trust and believe she has those tendencies. You have to if you're going to be working for Richard. All this time. She gets it in her head that, hmm, I have put together what has really gone wrong with Lance, who really went after Angela and I know exactly who I can blackmail. So she walks into Melissa's office and she says, hey fool, guess what? Um chick like me, you know, I have a checkered past. You know what I'm saying. I have things that aren't going quite right in my life. I think you're going to fund my new lifestyle. I'm ready to turn a new leaf. I'm ready for for a new lifestyle and I think you're going to be the person to fund that.

Speaker 1:

Melissa scoffs as one would. Why would you even come in here? Love the pants, pam. By the way, it's 90 degrees outside. You don't have no shorts. You don't have a dress. What's really good, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is jet, giving you the essence of a scene as opposed to the verbatim dialogue. Well, pam says to melissa mel, you know, that's real cute. I, I admire, I admire your bad girlery. But um, what if I decided to swish, swish, swish down to angela's office and I told her have you ever heard the name, Joel McCarthy? Would you be interested in knowing that Joel McCarthy was hired by a little pop tart who tries to be you. How would that wreck your future, melissa? This is what I think is going to happen. I think you're going to give me $100,000 and maybe I'll keep my mouth quiet, maybe I don't have anything to say if anybody asks me about it. Melissa cannot believe that she's getting blackmailed. But, honestly, bad girl male email.

Speaker 1:

I give her grace because she is a new villain. She is learning. She is still banking on her youth, which we all know is a new villain. She is learning. She is still banking on her youth, which we all know is a losing game. You have to build strategy and you know what this is just character building for her. Cover all your bases. She should have gotten rid of Joel McCarvey on her own, because this just keeps adding up, keeps adding up, adding up. Okay, so, fiends, I got a little bit beside myself. Finish the episode.

Speaker 1:

Here are the key takeaways Cassandra you remember Cassandra right, she's a whole ad agency. She's a person that Richard has his eye on. He's done a little bit of her background, but nothing's coming up. What I know now is that this is not that uncommon, surprisingly, up until about 1995-ish. You could probably fake your existence for quite a while. But Cassandra is a smart woman. She and her brother Damon, aka Riker from the USS Enterprise and Jean-Luc Picard's first captain, or whatever he was. They're brother and sister. They have a vision, they have a plan that they need to enact before people start to realize who they are.

Speaker 1:

Now this episode. We don't necessarily get any closer to finding out who they are, but we do get to see a deep dive into their past via one dream and one visitation. So at the top of the episode we see Cassandra having a meeting with I can't remember the name of the whole the. This mixes into Chase's story a little bit. So let's just be a little bit vague. Right now Cassandra has put a bug in the ear of a major contributor Think like a Target or Walmart and she's saying hey, you need to get in bed with Falcon Crest, you need their product in your stores. This will be wonderful, for this will expand your sort of refined side and it'll help them too. So meetings are had XYZ. We'll get to that when we talk about Chase.

Speaker 1:

She's pretty proud of herself and when Lassie left she was still leading Richard on. She had left him not once, but twice. He tried to kiss her after dark at the racetracks when everyone else had left. She let it go. He tried to invite her. He wanted to take her to lunch or something. She pretended like she had something to do.

Speaker 1:

Well, it's gotten to the point where she can't keep putting off Richard. She needs to go ahead and play along so she can continue her proximity with Falcon Crest. So they go to dinner. They're having a wonderful time and he brings up something about her brother. Now Richard has clocked that her brother seems way more interested in Angela Channing than he does Richard's whimsical baby sister, emma. I like that. I like that about Richard.

Speaker 1:

Richard and Emma have always had a wonderful relationship. So he's like what's up with your bro? Is he into older women? No judgment, I just have my own torrid affair with an older woman. So I mean, I get it. Is that his thing? Maybe we can double date. He can go with Ange, I can go with Francesca and Cassandra's like no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1:

Richard, I have eight magic words for you. Why don't we go and you make love to me? I know that's nine words, I forgot the original eight, but the basic concept of what she's saying is I'm ready to be ready to receive. And Richard forgot everything he said about Riker, emma and good old big perm, angela Channing. They go home, they make sweet, sweet love. Here's the thing you can control all things when you're conscious. When you're unconscious, it's wild, wild west.

Speaker 1:

Cassandra forgot that she has these nightmares. So post coitus, they're lying in bed asleep. She starts having a flashback slash nightmare about some fire where we hear that carry voice cassandraandra, cassandra, they're all going to laugh at you. Only now we see Cassandra coughing in the fire and we see a younger boy with her. We all know that is Riker from the USS Enterprise, aka Damon. She's still keeping the secret, so she's sweating, she's being uncomfortable, but of course she's unconscious keeping the secret. So she's sweating, she's being uncomfortable, but of course she's unconscious. Through all this she's none the wiser. Richard hears this. He wakes her up, she realizes she had a nightmare and he goes to comfort her. God bless him. It's just it's not happening. We can't make fetch happen, richard. There's nothing and I do mean nothing comforting about Richard, but that's neither here nor there. Cassandra has already put phase two in place. Her brother, damon, is already working on Emma. I suppose Damon is more of the backup plan is what I'm gathering from this episode.

Speaker 1:

At the end the episode, they go walking into some sort of institution where a nurse warns them not to try nothing. Funny, she's not in the mood today. She's worked 12 hours. She's got things to do. Don't go in here harassing y'all's mama.

Speaker 1:

Room 207 is open. They walk in and we see a woman in a wheelchair, a motorized wheelchair, which means she's a supervillain. Can we just admit that? We all know. Anyone who's watched TV in the last 60 years knows that if you have a mobile chair or a motorized chair, you're a supervillain. Name me three good guys in a motorized chair. I'll wait. Exactly, mama messed around and passed out before they got there.

Speaker 1:

So she's asleep, but she is draped in a veil, she's got on a hat, she's fully covered, which leads me to believe that she was probably burned pretty badly in the fire. However, before she passed out for her afternoon nap, she was able to write out the final plan in destroying Angela Big Perm Channing. In my mind, because I like to be playful, it probably means she diluted her activator. She has increased the size of the rollers to create some sort of insecurity in Ange. Maybe she sent some love letters to ronald, I don't know. It's one of those things. But all we see is a final plan. There is a small ream of paper that reads the destruction of falcon crest, final phase. Mother has scribbled this out. Mother has a desire. Mother says piss or get off the pot.

Speaker 1:

I must say I am quite taken aback by this sort of late entry. But who's to say it doesn't build upon season five? I don't know, what do we have? We have six episodes left in season four of Falcon Crest. There is a potentially burned woman scorned with two children who are wealthy and capable and gorgeous and able to seduce. Who's to say? What will become of us? I don't know, but I do know that I am here for it.

Speaker 1:

Let's get to the Gia Berti, because I suspect that the Gia Berti men are getting a little bit bored. They like a little bit of attention. Are we noticing weak morals here? You be the judge.

Speaker 1:

So remember when I told you that Cassandra had a hand in this whole let's call it Walmart slash Target deal. She's been sleeping with this guy named Brad. Brad owns the Walmart slash Target thing and it's very clear to us, the audience, not him, because Brad is dense and older that she's not really interested in him. She's like dude I'm so busy I can't really have a relationship and he's like Cassandra I need more of your attention, I need more of your time. I need more of your time. I need more of your affection. It's not really working out. Her only plan with him is that she needs to get with him in order to make this whole deal happen with Falcon Crest. What she wants is Falcon Crest to basically get in bed with Brad, who is his major conglomerate.

Speaker 1:

Now, if they take the deal, they're going to be on everything. They're going to be on cruises, they're going to be on airlines, they're going to be everywhere. They will be the wine in the country. They will be the major supplier for this particular brand. So Brad, during a meeting with the rest of the gang, tells them that we bought out $60 million worth of wine last year. You're not going to find a better deal for this. We just need to understand that you have the facilities and you have the capabilities of meeting our product needs. No leases, no options, no dollars down, no dollars a week. So Chase is very uncomfortable because he's like this is a major fortune. This ain't like 50 cents or whatever. This is way bigger than any of us have ever gotten in bed with.

Speaker 1:

Here's the thing Richard and Angela are saving face. They don't want to admit that they may or may not have the funds, or they may or may not have the logistic capabilities of producing all this wine. That's. All you need to really understand is that this has created this weird sort of standoff between the three of them, between Angela, between Richard and between Chase. Now Chase is coming in. Chase is the newest of money he is still, even though he's got the heritage. He's vaguely new to this, while Angela is true to this and Richard understands business.

Speaker 1:

This is a wonderful time to reiterate that, if this whole tango doesn't take place, there is a backup plan. Cassandra and her little brother Damon, aka Riker, from the USS Enterprise, have a backup plan. Cassandra and her little brother, damon, aka Riker, from the USS Enterprise, have a backup plan. Riker is backup, cassandra is main plan. They don't really need to worry about that, because this is a show of egos. Who has the biggest ego? Angela is probably the only person who could actually afford this. She could write a check tomorrow and be fine.

Speaker 1:

Richard is in debt Now she knows this, so she pushes the deal forward. Her whole thought is I know that Richard can't afford it because he is Douglas's bastard and a Nazi baby sympathizer and his mama didn't leave him no real money like that. He is not true to this like I am. He can't really afford it. I know my nephew can't really afford to like that either. So if they take the deal, she has the option of buying them out.

Speaker 1:

Richard and Chase are both aware of this. Chase is really really struggling with this Now. Richard being a businessman, he knows how to maneuver around debt. That's not a big deal. Plus, he's been a bad guy for like 20 years. Who cares? Chase, on the other hand, is sweating bullets. He feels like Angela and Richard are moving into this quite quickly. He doesn't have a chance to gain his footing. So he tells Maggie about it. Maggie's like screw them, start your own vineyard. Your mom left you more than enough money to start your own vineyard. You've done this than enough money to start your own vineyard. You've done this long enough. And it's like he, his pride, is in the way. It's like I said before, this is this is a pissing contest for lack of a better term between richard, angela and chase. He can't back down. Now.

Speaker 1:

The funny thing about this whole situation is connie and giannini is in the mix not because she cares about Falcon Crest, not because she cares about the production of their wine in any way with Helios Helios is the name of the group, so Helios is a Walmart slash Target. She doesn't really care about that. But she starts to gain intel from Cole inadvertently, because Cole is not really clocking that. She wants his dad in that way, but it's like she sees an end. So she and Cole are chilling in the office and he is getting coffee from this machine. That has really distracted me.

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I am a you know, older millennial. I understand how to work a coffee pot. I use a Keurig on the daily. I understand how to work a coffee pot. I use a Keurig on daily. There is some sort of hybrid machine circa 1985 that I had no idea existed. Did you guys have Keurigs before this? I took a picture like what the hell is this? There's a whole machine that Cole gets coffee from, but it's got its own little personal state. I don't know. I literally have never seen anything like that up until now. But the whole point is Connie, now that she's back working for Fox and Crush, she's just gaining intel.

Speaker 1:

Cole, how is your mom and dad's marriage? Cole is so dense that he doesn't understand what she's really asking. So he's like, yeah, they get along great. But you know, just like any other marriage, they have their issues. They have trouble from now on. Why would you say that that is nobody's business? If some woman outside of your mother asks you about your daddy, you don't have anything to say other than he is the happiest man he's ever been in his life because of my mommy period, point blank.

Speaker 1:

You think Joseph is going to run around telling well, listen, my daddy didn't. You know he's not really great at relationships. He can't stand to be alone, so he'll marry anybody. He'll marry Baker's daughter. He'll marry the vineyard down the streets daughter. He'll hook up with some rando. He's just not that disciplined. He's very irrational. How would he like it if Joseph did an expose? How would he feel, nevermind all that, when Chase told Maggie about the financial situation, they would be hitting it with Helios and that he didn't really have the money like that. But he didn't want to feel like the broke boy. It wasn't that she wasn't supportive. She was just like, okay, well, to hell with them, go ahead and start your own thing. You got this.

Speaker 1:

Chase gave this great big, boisterous speech about this is my grandfather's land and his heritage, and ill. But when Connie Giannini comes through, she says the exact same thing, only she does it in red. All of a sudden he's like yeah, yeah, I think you're right, connie. She affirms that you know, the Helio seal could be risky. She understands that, hey, chaseios deal could be risky. She understands that, hey, chase, this could be troublesome to your mind. I understand that, but I want to reiterate what you told me. You told me be true to yourself and your heritage Chase. So I'm going to tell you that too.

Speaker 1:

And Chase is like oh, you know what about the fulfillment? I don't know if I could really do this. So this place is all about we have our heritages. Heritages start somewhere. I could really do this. So this place is all about we have our heritages. Heritages, start somewhere. I could launch my own thing. What if I was a patriarch of Aviator Adonis, wine and coke? She's like well, I would support you. Then he's like well, thank you so much for your advice and your support. She tells him she's just returning the favor. All this was a clever ploy to reach down and give a kiss on his cheek.

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Now here's the thing about soap operas that sort of pisses me off is that there's always sort of this revisionist history when things don't flow as smoothly as they should. I have never noticed this on Falcon Crest, but I don't know. There's something about this being 30 episodes long, as moving away from the Nazi gold treasure hunter storyline into this new storyline, that feels like there's you've got to bridge the gap. There's got to be some strings that attach the old story to the new story. And I suppose this is it, but I don't know. He seems interested in her to me. He definitely seems interested in her to me.

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A couple of other sprinkles Angela Channing, who knows where her grandson is this whole time, is walking around with her perm blown out. She's got it framed her face perfectly. She's wearing fur in the middle of California with riding gloves, just to piss people off. She's being tailed by the cops. She pulls her car over on the way to worship the Lord, amen. And she says look, officer, do you want to come with me to confession? You think Lance is a priest now. You think you're going to be sitting in the confession booth. Go on and follow me if you want to, but make sure you clock the spur. This is real baby. This ain't no cashmere, this is, this is fur. All that and I do mean all that fabulousness, because I have to give her her props pales in comparison to the story of Melissa, bad girl Ligretti and her new beau, chase Giaberti. You want to talk about a rock and hard place? I got a dilemma for you.

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So, teens, we've been in an interesting territory. On the last episode, we discussed how Balen's intuition led her to believe that maybe, just maybe, abby cunningham, innocent baby sister of the deceased sister-in-law of the over-the-top karen, might be a problem. She followed that intuition to abby's front door, confronted her and we'll see where the chips lie after that. The result Zod and Zod of Falcon Crest is not very different from that, but not in the way you expect. You expect the quote unquote good guys to have that intuition. This is what happens when other people have that. See, intuition is not a respecter of persons. This happens when inspiration hits and if people are receptive enough to it, they make decisions from it. Enter Cousin Robin.

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Now Cousin Robin is a co-ed who has decided school's not really for her. She's sleeping in the house of her rich favorite cousin, almost sister, melissa Gray. Now on the previous episodes, I believe that cousin Robin must be a cousin from mommy's side, because I thought maybe they had different last names. That's not the case. So it was seen in the Agredi family line that Melissa's father chose to start a wine vineyard and Robin's father did not, hence one of them being very wealthy, one of them being very poor. It doesn't seem to make much of a difference. There doesn't seem to be any animosity so far. I can assure you with full confidence. I have not moved on past this episode. This is my observation as of episode 24. But the thing is, you don't always need animosity to go for the things you want.

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Cousin Robin has shown up on the scene and she can sense that something is a little askew. You'll remember that Melissa has recently discovered that she is no longer able to bear children. Now, she had an inkling it wasn't a fact. She had no reason to double check to make sure it was a fact or anything, until recently when her new husband, old flame cole, decides that he wants more children. Joseph is great, he's an amazing child, but it'd be great to expand our family.

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So melissa does the most irrational thing there is to do, because she's on a soap opera. She starts looking for alternative ways to perhaps bring a child into their life not adoption, not through, you know, any other means. She decides surrogacy is the best bet. But I need someone who does not live in the Valley, somebody who don't know all of my business, and someone who kind of has my coloring, so that people will be deceived enough to believe this is my child. This is the speaking of a true villain. Okay, I don't know what she's going to be later on, but I know right now. She's like let me make sure I can fool people and be deceptive even in the birth of a child. So Melissa has been. She put out an ad in the paper. She's getting all sorts of creeps and weirdos answering, but I mean she must prevail. She keeps going through.

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She has an interview on this particular morning and Robin is in the room because Robin is family. Robin is her closest confidant that she's ever had and the woman has given off I'm obsessive vibes. Melissa is trying to be the polite woman of the house. She can't exactly say get out of here. You're weird. So Robin does a dirty work. You immediately see this is sort of a tag team effort. There's love here, there's respect here. There is a conversation happening between them even though there is no word spoken.

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The woman is escorted off the premises by Robin, who's about to go on her run when Cole shows up. Here's the interesting thing for me. Y Robin who's about to go on her run when Cole shows up. Here's the interesting thing for me. Y'all know how I feel about Cole. I'm not going to harp on him this week. For some reason I feel the need to defend people I have previously trashed. Do not get used to it. I'm taking this as I receive it. Cole shows up and he is literally wearing a chef's jacket. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls I'm speaking to the OGs Was this a fashion statement circa 1985 where there was a literal chef jacket that you unbutton maybe the first two or three buttons and you walk around in?

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I can remember being very young in West Texas when the Dickies trends hit, not just like the dickies pants those are work pants, right but the dickie coveralls trend hit out of nowhere and I remember thinking this is, this is different. I didn't think it was stylish, but it seemed to be popular in my neck of the woods. Is this a real thing? Also, it reminded me of don't tell mom the babysysitter's Dad. When Sue Ellen had run through all of the petty cash, she had no choice but to have a full extravaganza at her house so that the buyers would buy the uniforms for the school, and they were going to be the most eclectic and fashion forward uniforms I have ever seen in my life. I've never seen anything outside like a skort and plaid or a polo for school uniforms. But they were going to go all out, and one of the outfits was her friend who was whipping up excitement in her baker's outfit.

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Anyway, cole happens upon this woman who was walking out, who's definitely not going to be his baby mother, and she's like oh my gosh, mrs Gia Berti didn't tell me how handsome her husband was. I'm sure we can make beautiful babies. Good, cousin, robin, shoes this woman off. And she's like listen, cole, don't not get upset with my girl. She's just trying to find the proper surrogate mother for you. Is that so wrong, nicole? He's he again. He's been deceived a little bit, but he is way more receptive than he usually is to this particular incident, because I think Robin is telling him this. But here's the thing they're not really saying. Robin hugs him after this statement because I guess he needs to be consulted. I don't know, doesn't seem like it. He seemed fine to me, but he seemed fine to me, but he leans in for the hug. She leans in for the hug. It's a whole thing.

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Melissa walks in and she's like oh, this is a gotcha, gotcha. Do you remember on the last episode where I said you can be right about something at the wrong time? This is one of those things you can kind of see in Melissa's face that she saw something that was not proper, but because she is a person who's kind of keeping the wool over Cole's eyes, she can't really say anything about that. Plus, this is her girl of girls. You can't say nothing about this. My cousin flesh. Clearly I saw something wrong.

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I think we do this far too often. You see the truth but due to circumstances that are either in your control or completely beyond your control, you feel the need to be like okay, maybe I'm overreacting. You got to start trusting that intuition. Cole's whole response to this is acceptable. He sees Melissa after he and Robin have embraced and he says hey, melissa, I just met a woman who wants to have my baby. She has no choice but to come clean. Listen, I know, I know, I know she's not satisfactory, but I promise we'll find the perfect woman. So as they begin to embrace, he says listen, I know how much this means to you, when in fact it really means more to him. But they both think they're doing something for each other. It's kissy, kissy, boo-boo face, and cousin Robin is in her running attire in the background, sort of drinking it all in.

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Now I will admit that once I found out that Robin was a what is her name? A Gretty. She's from the bad girl Melly Mel line. I am now forced to believe that if they share the same father or same grandfather, if this comes from the male line, then yes, she could too be a bad girl. However, I'm not fully convinced. I think we need to introduce the demimillons here. Robin absorbs all this information and we could argue. I'd really love to hear what you, what you guys think in the text or email. Is Robin taking advantage of a situation or is she just sort of allowing this to unfold? It's so good. I don't really know. I don't really know what to say about her.

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Later on, at an undisclosed date and time, melissa and her cousin Robin are walking through the vineyards. Melissa is lamenting to her girl this is so hard. Finding a surrogate is such a weird thing. It's just like I'm not feeling anybody. This isn't my child, right? Well, cousin Robin's like yeah, I mean, you want them to look like you, right? Melissa's like facts, you want them to. You want this to be a seamless procedure, right? You want somebody you can trust. Melissa's like facts, facts Exactly. That's why you're my girl. You understand what I'm saying. So cousin Robin says hey, there's only one, you, but why not have another? Or Gretty, I'm your cousin? People, while we saw we were sisters, we look alike. What if I'm your surrogate? And Melissa's like oh, no, girl, I can't ask you that. I can't bring you into this saga immediately. And Melissa's like girl, no, oh my god, I can't ask you into this saga immediately. And Melissa's like girl, no, oh my God, I can't ask you to do that. I can't ask you to do that. That's too much. Robin says we're family. You want a baby. I want you to have a baby. Cole wants a baby. I want him to have a baby. I'm family, let's just do this. We're sisters practically. Let's just do this.

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It is inferred that this is perhaps her way of getting a free pass with Cole, which is actually quite meaningless, because Melissa has decided that surrogate is a. It's a relative term, surrogate as in I'm not going to be the mother carrying the seed. However, this baby will not be implanted. It would not be implanted via a lab. This baby will be implanted the old fashioned way. So Cole's going to have to bone somebody for whatever reason, because of some weird gene, some weird chromosome, and they're 23. These agredis feel like, okay, yeah, baby, we can share. We're going to go on and pass it around. We're going to keep it in the family, as they used to say.

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So Melissa and Robin plan an intimate dinner where the three of them will be a throuple. It'll be candlelit, it'll be romantic, but there are three people. Let me remind you this is not a poly relationship. Cole and his chef, boyardee outfit, are walking into this completely blind. I don't generally defend him, but I'm going to defend him this way. He had no idea what he or. Walking into this completely blind. I don't generally defend him, but I'm going to defend him this way. He had no idea what he was walking into. Before we go any deeper, I need you to remember. Do you remember when Lorraine tried to confront Angela Big Perm Channing? She threw her iceberg wedge salad on top of Angela's shrimp cocktail and made a delicious meal.

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She does not know how to destroy a table. You know who does? Melissa mother loving a Gretty, gia Berti. If there's a bad girl, melly male, flip a table moment, it's her. She know what she doing. Melissa understands that if she's having a beautiful meal and she gets pissed off in it, everybody's night is over. Everybody's meal is ruined. There is no way you can salvage a meal after she's done so.

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Picture this warm, candlelight dinner on the Miranda two beautiful women from the same genealogy sitting at a table waiting for one man. That might be some people's fantasy. I'm a little bit grossed out, as I said. Anyway, cole sits down, they start eating, they start chatter, chatter, chittering and the women bring it up, say Cole, you know how. You want a baby. Yeah, you know you want Melissa's baby. Yeah, what if Robin had Melissa's baby? And Cole's like wait, I'm sorry, wait, what? Yeah, what if the surrogate isn't some rando in the valley who's like a weird old lady with a weird eye. What if it's my cousin? What if it's my biology in some part mixing with your biology? Then we can have a whole other kid. She looks like me, she sounds like me. We're from the same line.

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Let's do this. Cole is like what? The? I thought we was eating chicken cordon bleu. I didn't know. I was here for this bull. What are y'all talking about? He gets up, he leaves. It is the first time I've ever agreed with him. What the eff are you talking about? This is Cole ain't having it, but Melissa gets pissed and I'm very impressed with this. She manages to throw her napkin. Mind y'all.

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This table is God. I've never been good with geometry and you know what it served me perfectly well. This is a, let's think, two cafeteria tray size table for three people. There are wine glasses with water. There are wine glasses with wine. There is a little candelabra with like three candles. I think Melissa manages to throw a full fit and a napkin without burning the place to the ground. Bravo, bad girl, melly Mel. This is why she earns the title. This is why Terry is kicked out. This is why I had to reiterate the term demivellant. You can throw a whole fit and not burn through your resources. Melly Mella understands this. This is the second fish she's thrown in two, three episodes.

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So in an effort to soothe Cole's ego or whatever, I don't really know Cole goes to sleep in the wine house. Tell me why he don't have just an air mattress y'all. He didn't have just a cot, he has a full ass size mattress on the stone floor of the wine house that I guess he sleeps in quite regularly. Why he would need to lay up all night and watch yeast and wine ferment, I'm sure I don't know, but that's what he's doing. So cousin Robin goes over to sue the whole situation. You remember at the beginning of the show she's like listen, cole, please don't know, but that's what he's doing. So cousin robin goes over to sue the whole situation. You remember at the beginning of the show she's like listen, cole, please, don't get mad, please, please, please. My cousin just wants a baby, she just wants to make you happy, please don't be upset. Well, she does the same thing, only she's wearing the mcgruff crime dog jacket and I knew exactly what was up up.

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She enters said wine house and cole sits up on his fully made full mattress on the stone floor. It is a double mattress. I can tell because this man is at least two and a half three feet off the ground. We all know if you put a box mattress on the ground that's what like eight inches anyway, with a comforter double twin mattress is. A cousin comes through in a McGruff the Crime Dog jacket. However, it is a fur coat. It is short, it is tantalizing, I guess, if you want it to be. And then she's got on a pair of really whack peep toe slingback pumps. Underneath all that she's got on some lingerie, but we don't know that.

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She wakes up cold, cold. Listen. Your wife only wants what's best for you. Please don't hold it against her. She just really wants to make you know what I'm saying. She wants to make sure y'all have a baby. Now what? We don't hear. Which another, which? This is a whole nother. I also need to correct the size of the table. The table is big enough for three people, so let's say it is four standard cafeteria trays size. Melissa throws her napkin, yells, she acts a teetotal and then she goes. Maybe this is a bad idea. Only Robin ignores that. She puts on the lingerie, she puts on the peep toes and the slingbacks. She puts on the McGrath the Crime Dog mink pimp coat and she walks down to the wine house to meet cole on a twin size fully made up mattress. That's the point I'm trying to make. Why would you have? She wakes him up from a deep coma, like sleep. I'm assuming that has been induced by wine, based on the surroundings. She says listen, your wife wants what's best for you. She just wants a child. Please don't be upset with her, please don't. She's playing the advocate and, for whatever reason, this touches cole. I would like to argue it touches cole because he's into it already.

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Cole is probably the the easiest person on this show to seduce, next to terry terry. If you breathed her the wrong way, she's on it. But Cole is a very, very close second. I'm considering they're I guess they're not really blood related, but whatever, that's his auntie, he's like his auntie. Cousin Robin stands up, she removes said mink coat, she reveals the lingerie and Cole says you know well, I mean hell, we need a baby, right? How else we gonna get a baby? One plus one equals two, two plus two equals four and cot plus coal equals. Take down my, my wife's baby cousin robin. We're gonna get it in real quick here on this wine house floor and they do just that. They do the do.

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Robin is a respectable type woman. She slinks back to the castle I in my, by my projections it's at least half a mile. She slinks back to the castle under the cloak of darkness before dawn in her mink coat, sling back and peep toe shoes or back to wherever cold, I don't know where. Cold in them. I was like to believe that cold and Melissa kind of live in town. If they keep the same, if they kept the same house that he and Shania Linda lived in, or they're on Melissa's house, they're Melissa's house. So maybe she drove a car. I don't really know. The point is made she she's got a uterus full of Gia Birdie and she's gone. A uterus full of Gia Birdie and she's gone.

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So the next day Melissa comes to the wine house as Cole is putting back on his Hawaiian shirt and whatever he looks like, he's on Saved by the Bell, he's an extra. And she's like listen, I'm so sorry that that happened. I never wanted to put you in a weird position. I'm so sorry. You're right, joseph is enough, we don't need any more kids. And he's like, oh, oh, wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm happy, cool, we don't need anything else. Now, what are you gonna do? What would you do? You can't very well be like, well, um, a couple hours ago I was horizontal with your cousin. I'm really, I mean, I'm. He can't say anything. So now here we are.

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Episode 24, season 4. Cole has just banged melissa's baby cousin or equal cousin they seem like they're about the same age. He has banged her in the hopes of having a child. I don't know, I don't really know if Robin ever wanted a child. She could be on birth control for all we know. But I know she wanted him and he definitely wanted her because he went ahead and went through it. Now is he going to be able to tell Melissa Dun dun dun Baby. What a time, what a time, what a time.

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Thank you for joining me on this episode. Don't forget to hit me up in the show notes or through the email S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at gmailcom. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this episode or any other episodes you're watching. Thank you, monty, for the fan mail today, and join me next time as we jump back into some soap opera debauchery. I think we'll visit Dallas before we have to take a little bit longer of a pause, because that season's almost over. In the meantime, in between time, if your cousin and your spouse come to you with a tantalizing offer, turn the other cheek. Act like you are Ray Charles, stephen Warner. You ain't seen nothing, you ain't heard nothing. You're Helen Keller to them. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your trauma on TV. Bye.