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The Fantasy Birthday Bash: Primetime Soaps Collide

• Jett Shae • Episode 304

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What happens when the most devious, glamorous, and dramatic characters from vintage primetime soaps throw you a birthday party? Step into this fantastical celebration as we imagine receiving gifts from the icons of Dallas, Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and Knots Landing! From Southfork Ranch to the Carrington mansion, through the vineyards of Falcon Crest and the cul-de-sacs of Knots Landing, this special birthday episode takes you on a journey through the golden age of primetime television. The gifts reveal everything about these beloved characters – JR Ewing hands over a stock portfolio with shady origins and a tracking device disguised as jewelry, while Alexis Colby delivers a fur coat just to outshine Krystal's silk robe. Angela Channing shares rare wine and possibly her secret Reagan diaries, while Abby Cunningham causes a stir with her inappropriate gift of champagne and a book on seduction. Beyond the presents, imagine the conversations! Picture Richard Channing and JR Ewing comparing villain tactics, or Claudia Blaisdel and Julia Cumson discussing their mental health journeys. What would happen when Melissa Agretti flips a table while Kristen Shepherd announces her baby daddy drama? This crossover fantasy brings together the schemers, dreamers, and backstabbers from four iconic universes. For fans of vintage primetime soaps, this episode is pure wish fulfillment – a celebration of the shows that defined an era of television and continue to captivate viewers discovering them today. Whether you're an OG viewer from the 80s or a millennial discovering these treasures for the first time, this birthday fantasy delivers all the drama, shade, and shoulder pads you could wish for. Have a favorite character gift from the episode? Tell me which present you'd most want to receive – Jane Wyman's Reagan diaries, a diamond tennis bracelet from JR, or maybe Dex Dexter's turquoise jewelry? Let me know in the comments!

Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome or welcome back to SoFlor, the official gathering place for newbies, novices and OG diehard fans of the golden age of primetime, from the mind of a millennial sliding into middle age. We are doing something fantastical, something a little bit whimsical and something very reminiscent of late 90s boy band fan fiction. You remember the chat rooms of late 90s boy band fan fiction? You remember the chat rooms? So go ahead and pour yourself up something bubbly and bright, put on your finery and settle in for an episode you won't soon forget Unless, of course, you skip it. Now. I'm looking at the rough side of my eye, but I get it. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is the birthday episode of Soap Lore. Hello, gorgeous, welcome or welcome back, party people to a fantastic occasion. Not only are we celebrating over 300 episodes, countless hours of pearl clutching, eye rolling, picking my jaw up off the ground, vintage primetime gold, we're also going to celebrate one of the most magnificent creations ever to come out of the 1980s. Moi, moi, did you know I was a Leo that gave it away? No, I don't even know if I believe in all that, but this episode is shot a little bit before my birthday. I figured August is here. I hope to drop this on my birthday. It's either going to be day of or the next day, depending on how much time I have to edit, but I hope you will join me.

Speaker 1:

So as a kid I used to always wish that something exciting would happen in my little old town. I went through countless crushes. Men in music have always done it for me. I guess they would have been boys in music. But I had countless just wishes on stars hoping. Countless fantasies about immatures bus breaking down. All of a sudden they needed me to give them a tour around my microscopic town. I guess I was going to take them to the Dairy Queen. I would introduce them to some of my friends and of course they would stay around for the dance that night and they would perform and they would be my friends and obviously Batman would fall deep, deep in love with me. Aka Marcus Houston. If you don't know who that is, that is go home. Roger from the Tia and Tamara show had a huge crush on him, but I had that sort of rolling fantasy about NSYNC. Obviously I thought Justin Timberlake was gonna break down in my town because their tour bus had to come through to get to some other obscure town in West Texas. That would never, ever happen. But it got me to think. I've long given up those sort of fantasies.

Speaker 1:

As you get older, birthdays take on their own meaning. In your 20s it's like let me get out and party as much as possible. In your 30s, maybe you want a sophisticated dinner, maybe you don't want to do anything, maybe you're working through your birthday. You're not even really thinking about it. I thought you know what. Let me bring back some of that fantasticalness. Let me think about this.

Speaker 1:

What would I want on the most perfect birthday? What would I want to do? I like an experience. I would like to have an experience with you. Pour yourself up something bubbly and bright. Open your mind. Let me tell you what I have in my mind. So hear me out.

Speaker 1:

What if you could go back to your favorite vintage primetime soap operas? Which one would you pick? Would you rather spend your entire birthday with Knott's, landing Dynasty, dallas or Falcon Crest? Although I love all the shows, there are people on each show that I would love to just sit back and kiki with. I'd love to stir the pot a little bit. I'd love to see how they interact with each other. So if I had to pick one, I wouldn't. Because it is my birthday, I'm going to pick all four. So this year, before I blow out my candles, I'm blowing up plot lines. I packed my overnight bag complete with sequins and secrets. I'm heading straight to season four of dallas dynasty and falcon crust and, not well, season three of not landing to collect my birthday gifts from the icons themselves. There will be some crossover between 2025 and 2000 excuse me, 1980, whatever.

Speaker 1:

In order to make this a little fun and a little more cohesive, and before the champagne chills and the catfights commence, let me salute my fellow millennials, the ones twerking into middle age with grace, grit and a playlist that still includes all of our early 2000 jam. I saw y'all at SeaWorld. Okay, I know my people when I see my people and I've never been so proud millennials were cutting up Gen X. I know y'all were there too, cutting up at the SeaWorld with the kids in front of God and everybody. I saw like three or four people twerking on the fence and I'm like Lord in front of Shamu. But that, what do you expect from people who were raised on chat rooms and boy band fan fiction, daytime TV in the 90s reality TV before it tampered itself down. We grew up in a time where confessionals in the mirror were every part of our everyday life. We still do it. The confessionals in the mirror were every part of our everyday life. We still do it Probably why I'm so comfortable talking into a microphone in a room by myself, but I'm excited for us.

Speaker 1:

I actually don't know what age is middle age. I thought about this before and I'm like it's never used in a happy context. Once again, shout out to Gen X for changing all that. One study says it's between 35 and 65, I believe, and I'm like that. 35 seems awfully young. That seems awfully young to me. But when you think about the distance between one and 100, you have to split that into three. So, yeah, I guess that wood track seems a little young to me. I don't agree with that. The other one was like it's 40 to 60. And then the other one said 45 to 60. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1:

It is a blessing to get to live a long time, to get to enjoy yourself. I'm happy, I'm healthy. I'm super, super excited about life and I am super excited about life and I am super excited to jump into this fantasy. I'm also grateful for my newest love, vintage Primetime Soaps. They're giving us all fresh vocabulary for throwing shade, reclaiming power, rewriting your own story with flair. So let's cheers to the crossover episode of my dreams.

Speaker 1:

Let's unwrap some of these gifts. Some of them are ratchet, some of them are so good In my mind, mind you, this is all from Jets Mind Eye. Let's stir up a little scandal. Let's toast the era that made us. So. Here's a caveat. I got to think about this. I am doing this from my perspective now, which means obviously I haven't seen the end of season four of any of these. I haven't seen the end of season three for Nonslanding. Can't go any further than that. So if you are an OG and you kind of know what happens later on, understand that we're doing this according to season four and season three of Nonslanding.

Speaker 1:

Also, I think the characters have heard my show and know that I have beef with some of them. I've been none too kind to some others. So I imagine not all the gifts are going to be glamorous or nice. They're going to be what they're going to be and I am excited. So in my head it makes the most sense to go to Dallas first right Home state people be really easy to get to. I find it very difficult to believe I would be super welcome at Dallas, but for the sake of this show I am.

Speaker 1:

I'd want to open my gifts in their little pre-gaming room. I love that dark furniture. I love how everybody's always talking ish about each other. Nobody really wants to be there. There's always a little dig. So I want to get there early because I want to see you know, I want to see JR come in, recognize Reed the room. I'm sure he'll give me a hug. He'll definitely cop a feel because that's what he'll do. I want to see the dynamic between everybody and I want to hear the little riff whatever he has to say about Pam on this day. I want to hear the little riff, whatever he has to say about Pam on this day. Side note I really like giving gifts. I think, if you pay attention, I think it is so much fun to give somebody something based on their personality or something that you think might help them in their life. It is probably one of my love languages. I love it so much.

Speaker 1:

We're going to start with Boss Hogg himself. We're going to start with Boss Hogg himself. I feel like J has 30 or 40 of them. And then he'd hand me one of those tin cups they use out on the ranch when they go cattle driving and whatnot. I would thank him graciously, even though I'm holding a glass of champagne. But then he'd probably tell me something like don't let me catch you drinking that girly. So I'd feel forced to, like, drink my champagne out of the tin, can? I don't really know what I do. Jock would then raise a toast, forgetting that since season one and his whole bypass, he's not supposed to be having alcohol. That has not stopped him yet.

Speaker 1:

Jr would be. Oh, that's a great gift, that's a great gift, daddy. Jr, I think, would pass me um a stock portfolio with some shady origins. A little little smirk. You'll be like, you'll thank me, tell me, I thank him later, and then he'd lean in and say something inappropriate. It's like oh, my gosh, okay, I think he'd also give me a tennis bracelet. Now, I wouldn't find out until later that this tennis bracelet is actually a tracking device. He wants it so that when I go to Denver to talk to the Carrington's I can get some intel, and then when I go see Gary at NIMH I can get some more intel and he can listen all the way A hundred percent. That's what he's doing. I think Sue Ellen a lady like her who's been through it she's been through the ups, downs, in and out she would hand me a really gorgeous set of luggage and the birthday card inside would say when you stay ready, you ain't got to get ready. It would also have a list of a couple of bars where she's had a good time and, of course, a little note from Dr Elby, because that's her booski.

Speaker 1:

I think Pam would give me a bunch of silk scarves. You know that scene in the Devil Wears Prada, the one where it wasn't Emily. Emily Blunt is a character, I can't remember her name, but she gets hit by the car and all those scarves go flying up. Well, pam is going to give me a scarf because not only does she enjoy them, she drives a little two-seater and it's a drop top, so she's always worried about her hair. Now she's still on her Rick James every now and again Underneath the silk scarves. I think she'd have a silk do-rag. Now I would look at this and be like is this a microaggression or is she being kind? And she would gently type my arm and say us curly haired girls got to stick together. I would, okay, you say so, pam, I will remember to send her a picture of Rick James on her birthday wickets. That's where I'm at with that, but I'm going to use every last one of them silk rags Excuse me, silk scarves and that silk do-rag I certainly am. Thank you, pam.

Speaker 1:

I think Bobby would be a little more thoughtful. Bobby is a big time state senator now. I think he loves his state, he loves Dallas, but he's in and out of Austin all the time. I love Austin, it's one of my favorite cities. So I think his gift would be like a weekend at a I don't know whether to say a bed and breakfast or an Airbnb. Let's say a bed and breakfast. I think that's a little more 1980s. A bed and breakfast. I can go anytime I want for the next year, as many times as I want on the weekends, have a good old time. A nice little note. And then he'll give me, like this, book of tickets and when I open it it'll say something like get out of jail, slash traffic, slash jury duty, slash work signed by the state senator. I'm definitely going to take those. I don't know if they're worth anything. It's probably like monopoly money. But his name in certain places is going to get me in and out, so I'm definitely going to take it. I think that's the sort of gift he would give.

Speaker 1:

So right about this time in my mind there would be some sort of ruckus. Outside we hear some kind of faint yelling. Sounds like a woman. You can tell the staff is a little bit confused. They don't really know what to do.

Speaker 1:

All of a sudden, kristen Sue, ellen's baby sister, comes sashaying in. Now, the last time I saw her she's wearing those pantyhose. So in my mind I'm like she's been out in LA. She tried to do the modeling thing. She a little bit down on her luck. So she comes in wearing a Hooters outfit. I don't know when Hooters opened, but she seems like the type of girl who might do just fine there. Let me go ahead and say this I have nothing against Hooters. I think it is a great establishment. You make your money, you do what you need to do. But she seems like the sort of woman circa 1980, whatever who would understand that she's going to use her sex appeal to get what she wants. So she's either working at Hooters or she can be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. I feel like she'd be working at Hooters.

Speaker 1:

But she's going to come in with a baby on her hip, a baby with no shoes. Everybody is just like what the heck? Who is that? What is this? Ellie takes one look at this baby and in her mind she immediately noticed that it looks a whole lot like John Roth. Viewing the third, she immediately cuts her eyes to JR and then back to Jock and just think about how both of them ain't ish and how she can't stand them.

Speaker 1:

She decides it's time for her to give me her gift. Which is this really beautiful, heavy, ceramic, fancy casserole dish and like a matching soup bowl. I love it. This is beautiful. I thank her profusely. She's like don't worry about it, you're going to feed your family for decades on this. Your grandchildren are going to fight over this. This is beautiful. Family is a beautiful legacy. Family is so important.

Speaker 1:

She's saying all this while she's looking at Kristen who's bouncing the baby on her hip with attitude. Finally, she can't take it anymore. She says Kristen, that's a pretty baby. Will his father be joining us? Sue, ellen ain't got time for this today. She may or may not be on a Shirley Temple, or she may be on a mojito, we don't really know. The glass is clear, there's a little bit of fruit in it and she's got that. Look on her face Like she wish you wish, you don't really care, she's so done with this. Sue Ellen says well, who's the father? Kristen Kristen says with her whole chest the most hated man in Dallas, jr, spins on his heel. Leave the room. Now I'm trying to be messy, so I call in Cliff.

Speaker 1:

Cliff walks in, he's pissed. Everybody looks around, especially Jock, and they're like who invited him? I invited him and Pam invited him. So he comes over with a briefcase but it all has inside. It was like these torn up legal documents, totally illegible. But he has also given me a coupon, much like the coupon book that Bobby gave me, that says one free revenge and I'm like thank you so much. He winks, raises his glass that he must have drove in with and then he presents from the back of his coat a slightly used spiral notebook and he tells me I can put all sorts of quote unquote clues in it. And then he pulls out an even more gently used bottle of tequila from his friend Mr Cuervo. Mr Cuervo couldn't make it because he had business in Mexico, but he sends his love via a jug of tequila that has had a couple glasses mixed. I lean in and sniff Cliff when we hug, because I want to see if it's tequila. It's definitely tequila on his breath.

Speaker 1:

Right about this time the North Texas Lolita herself will come in. She's bobbing and weaving, she's bouncing around and Mitch is right behind her. They're young. I don't really expect a lot from them and I'm also very uncomfortable because I know how Mitch feels about spending money. Well, lucy hands me a framed picture of herself. It's a headshot my very favorite thing in the whole world and it's signed America's Sweetheart. Slash North Texas Lolita. Slash Miss Young Dallas. This pisses off Mitch because he is calculating the cost on his mind, and that is at least three of his eight jobs worth of picture frame that she just passed to me. Now what are you going to do? I don't want to make a big deal. Oh, lucy, this is so beautiful. Thank you so much. She's not reading the room. Everybody's kind of scoffing at her like God much. She's not reading the room. Everybody's kind of scoffing at her like God, you're selfish.

Speaker 1:

Mitch hands me his gift, which is his resume. He's like hey, just in case you're hiring, I need to pay for a couple more books for school. My wife is in and out of the house all the daggone time. I need to buy TV, dinners or whatnot. Plus, I'm a man of the people. I'm a hardworking man. We got to work together. I don't know what he means by that, but I have a hunch. Mitch is so disgusted by the people in the room that he sneaks his way into the kitchen to talk to Teresa and them about how hard it is to work with people who don't appreciate cash money. Teresa and them looking like baby. We just trying to get a check. Please don't mess up this good check.

Speaker 1:

Finally, donna, coler and Ray show up. Oh my gosh, I totally forgot about y'all. Also right on their heels is Rebecca JG Wentworth. I am totally shocked that she made it so as clip, but Pam is so geeked that she made it, so I play nice. Rebecca has tears in her eyes. I don't know why she's crying. I'm thinking she's about to have this whole situation with Clip.

Speaker 1:

Only she comes over to me and she cries profusely, begging me to forgive her for missing my third and 60th birthday. And I say um, madam, I am nowhere near my third or my 60th birthday, but thank you very much. She begins to boohoo even harder. I feel bad. But I also want a really good gift. I'm thinking what can I buy in 1980 with this 1980s money? I'm trying to save up as much as I can while I'm gathering these gifts so that I can buy some stock in like Apple and Microsoft or whatever. So I tell Rebecca I forgive you for missing my third birthday. She starts to wail it cuts your girl a check for $10,000. I feel like she's going to be that type of lady. So when Pam and Bobby finally have kids, I think she's going to be cutting those big checks. But there's going to be a lot of competition between her and Ellie. She seems like the type she needs to make up for lost time. So if Cliff has a child or Pam and Bobby have kids, they're going to be set for life.

Speaker 1:

So Donna Culver gets me with that soft voice of hers. I just want to thank you for the work you're doing in spreading the gospel of these vintage primetime soap operas. They are so impactful, they are so delightful, they are so important to the thread of our American fabric. We bring such pride in our state and I'm proud to have been a part of this and I'm proud that you, the young Texan, are proud to watch this. And I'm like yes, of course, donna, this is wonderful.

Speaker 1:

She hands me a bracelet shaped box. Only when I open it, it's one of those campaign badge buttons and it says Jet for Senate. Oh my, oh, donna. No, honey, no, I don't do politics love, but I think quick because I am a little bit savvy. I quickly reach for one of Bobby's get out of jail, get out of jury duty, get out of whatever issue you need to tickets snatch it off and hand it to her and skadoodle as quickly as I can.

Speaker 1:

Ray chases me down, he comes in with a big box and I note that he's the only person who brought a sizable gift. We all know it's not about the size, it's the quality. But I expect you know y'all got good money. Ray is a fresh new millionaire. Ray has been shoveling horse dookie since 1942. So I expect him to have, I don't know something a little more down home. Ray would absolutely give me an embossed saddle, real leather, shined up just right. It'd even help me fasten it on the horse if I so chose to put it on. I ain't going to do that. That's going to sit in my living room and when my friends come over we're going to have a good time on it.

Speaker 1:

Jr comes slinking back in hoping that Kristen has left, but she's still bouncing around the house with the baby Sue. Ellen's being messy. She tells Teresa to go upstairs and get baby John Ross Ewing III we're going to have a little introduction to his little cousin. She mumbles brother into her glass. Everybody starts shifting and looking around. As much as I'd like to stay and watch the drama, I remind everyone hey, we're going to meet a little later. I need to get on the first thing smoking to Denver. Can somebody give me a ride to DFW? Actually, no, let's go out of Loveville. Can somebody take me to Loveville? I'm not trying to do all that walking to DFW.

Speaker 1:

I may or may not be extra excited about going to Dynasty. I think I I may or may not be extra excited about going to Dynasty. I think I don't know. I've been a little loose-lipped this season about the people on Dynasty and I will add to it until I'll add to it before I take anything away. First and foremost, I think, even if I don't get a gift from Blake Carrington. I love his voice so much I'm pretty sure that's from Charlie's Angel. I want to hear him read stuff. I kind of like Adam's voice and I like Dexter's voice too, but for totally different reasons. So I would like Blake Carrington to make me a cassette of him reading all of the birthday cards and warm wishes. I really enjoy that. I also don't think he'd be a great shopper, so we're going to leave that to Crystal.

Speaker 1:

Crystal comes true, yo. She comes through with a floor-length silk robe with a super dramatic train. It is gorgeous and she even went the extra mile to line the train because you know I walk outside in grass and stuff. I don't think I would walk outside in my fly silk robe, which of course is in cream, because it comes from crystal in cream. She gives me this book of affirmations titled I am trailer park pretty and I am mansion pretty, I don't know. It feels a little bit more like a journal. I didn't have the audacity to open in front of her, but when she turned her back I did open it. Let me tell you what it was a journal. I think she kind of forgot that she'd started some of the pages. I found a receipt from Western Union for an obscene shipment of Miller High Life and canned cheese. I think she had it delivered down the road so that she could sneak out back and have a beer every now and again, because you can take the girl out of Ohio.

Speaker 1:

So Fallon is uninteresting, her gift is uninteresting. I think it would be lunch at La Mirage and like a free tennis lesson. I'm not interested in tennis ever since Jeff had a heart attack on the field and passed out. Plus, I don't know, it's just not my thing. Mark Jennings would be fun to. Just I'm not interested, thank you. But no, thank you, fallon, I will take the coupons politely.

Speaker 1:

Suddenly the air grows cold. I turn around and I see none other than Jeffrey Colby. He tries to bounce down the stairs on those penny loafers like he's somebody's father. But I'm not intimidated Because I know for a fact he is a doormat. And just to solidify my disdain. Plus, I'm on dynasty. I feel like I have to bring it a little bit. I don't know who's coming for me. I make a show of wiping something off of my shoe, smirking at him. He's not having it. He sashays right over to me. It's just here. He says something like. It looks like they'll just let anyone in.

Speaker 1:

Jeffrey hands me a box. I'm a little bit disappointed that it's not a three-tier jack-in-the-box like that Zsa Zsa ring that he gave his wife or soon-to-be wife in the box, like that Zsa Zsa ring that he gave his wife or soon to be wife, his ex-wife, soon to be re-wife. I would like a three-tier jack-in-the-box. That didn't happen. What I think he would get me is not a doormat, because that's a little too on the nose, but he gives me a giant dinner mat and it's made from denim. Yes, yes, jeffrey had time today. He even went so far to have it embroidered with the words a doormat no more, jc. I smile politely and do something I've been wanting to do for a long time.

Speaker 1:

Every time a woman on one of these soap operas goes to answer the telephone specifically specifically Sue Ellen Crystal does this too she has to come up off the big Zsa Zsa snap-on earrings or clip-on what do you call them? Yeah, clip-on Snap does not sound attractive. She takes off those big old clip-on earrings. So this is what I'm going to do, y'all. I'm going to stare him in the eye. I'm going to maintain eye contact and say Jeffrey, what a lovely gift. Then I'm going to fold it in half and I'm going to take off my giant Zsa Zsa clip-on earrings and I'm going to put one on either side of the folded doormat and make myself a super soap opera clutch and I'll spend the rest of the evening putting my birthday cards in lip gloss in it, because you're not going to play in my face, jeffrey. I need the precedent to be set by someone in this godforsaken mansion that you can't just Grow a pair, jeffrey. Grow a pair.

Speaker 1:

I see Kirby sniggling in the corner. She pulls me aside and she hands me a heavy box. I'm a little bit worried because it's a small box. It could fit in my brand new clutch that I made, but I don't think it's. I don't think the clutch is sturdy enough. It's more for the optics, it's more for principle.

Speaker 1:

At this point I'm a little bit nervous. But when I open it it's actually a beautiful like jade hair comb, something really gorgeous to remind us of her flawless hair. I'm like oh my God, kirby, this is beautiful. She then whispers in my ear that she knows a guy. If I want to take some lessons, I said you know what, kirby, I think you're good, but you know what? Let's grab lunch. Okay, we'll grab lunch.

Speaker 1:

Before I leave, mark Jennings staggers in fresh off of a fresh glass of champagne and I know Alexis cannot be too far behind. He walks right over to me, plants a big fat, wet one on my cheek, slips something into my pocket and winks, then he walks away. I reach into my pocket and there's, of course, a room key. I thought he was in Alexis's house and I'm certainly not going to enter her house disrespectfully. I don't want to get retrofilled. I'm suddenly a little bit nervous because here comes the queen.

Speaker 1:

So Alexis shows up and she's, of course, drops me one of the most fantastic, luscious, actual, real, real fur coats. I love it, I love it a lot, but Alexis is petty. She's looking over my shoulder and she sees the silk robe that Crystal got me. She goes oh how trailer chic. Crystal just rolls her eyes and rolls her wrist. She is ready to deliver an Ohio backhand if Alexis keeps coming in her sideway. I love the coat. I comment on how soft the fur is. It's absolutely magnificent. Thank you, alexis. She makes some comment about it not being made from roadkill and Crystal rolls her eyes and takes a step forward. She gets into her power stance like she knows what's up.

Speaker 1:

Oh, there's a ruckus down the hall. Once again there's some sort of clamoring and clattering. It will appear that Tracy has crashed the party. She assures everyone that she's not here to crash the party. She's actually here to drop off the QED reports that she forgot to leave when she was unceremoniously and unfairly fired and had to hitch a ride home from Hong Kong. She hands them to me saying you know what you might want to take a look at these. It could be very interesting to you. Of course, later when I open it, the QED report is empty. It's just kind of hollowed out. There's a recording device. She wasn't even on her Leslie story. It's not even that attractive, but because she's there, I know that Dex Dexter is not far behind.

Speaker 1:

He of course kicks open the door because Dex Dexter don't like closed doors, starts going off about how his invitation must have been lost in the mail. If this is some sort of secret meeting about oil wells and I need to be a part of it, I'm the dex and dex lex pex, this is my party. Thank you so much. I thought your invitation was in the mail. The dex dexter might be one of my newest favorites on this show and I love his voice, I love his attitude, I love his ego. I don't even mind his back hair. I think dex gift to me would be twofold.

Speaker 1:

Dex and I are going to get into a passionate argument just for fun over why jerry hollowell, jc chazelle and omarion solo careers didn't take off like they should have. I of course explained with the rabid fandom of spice girls and sync and b2k. The support for their solo projects were not there. I feel like it was sabotaged. The fault lies in the lackluster management in the rollout of their projects. It is not because they lack the raw talent or the desirability. The audience was there, the talent was there. Someone dropped the ball.

Speaker 1:

Dex disagrees. Dex says that the groups were a cultural movement, a seamless musical monument, actual poetry in motion and one does not dismember a seamless embodiment of a generation. They should have never left the group. He feel like this is their penance for not staying in their groups. I fully disagree. We agree to disagree.

Speaker 1:

And then we fully agree to agree that Nicole Scherzinger is an icon who not only carried PCD but she was such a force in Eden's crush. Eden's crush was, of course, a couple of years, in my opinion too late, and then about two decades too early. There just wasn't space for what they were bringing at the time, but I think they could have been something phenomenal. We also agree that Nicole Scherzinger's voice is golden, but also somebody set her up on the Tony Award. Somebody played her face. I would have been livid at the lineup. Dex agrees. He says he believes it was someone trying to embarrass her and it feels like a season long revenge plot and I fully agree. We make plans to argue again soon in the future. And then he hands me a box full of some of the most beautiful, semi-precious turquoise stones in the entire world, tells me that they were excavated and arranged in a stunning set of necklaces and earrings just for me. I need to put in my order for a ring because turquoise is hot.

Speaker 1:

Adam comes sloughing in. I don't know if he's been taking care of business. I get the feeling that no one told him there was a party. He would be a little bit irritated, but I think because I'm not a blue blood, he'd probably be okay with it. Plus, my enemy's enemy is my friend. Adam's gift is this beautiful gold frame mirror, when in a handwritten note that says for someone who deserves to see themselves the way I do, I'm touched. I'm actually touched. There's almost a tear rolling down my eye, until he corners me and asks me how I feel about eating the rich and wearing their faces, you know, for security. Oh, adam, oh babe. I encouraged him to lie down in the study and then I sniffed the drink that he brought over, because it suddenly smells faintly of like some sort of lacquer or top coat primer or something like that.

Speaker 1:

Suddenly there's a knock at the door. One of the 3,000 servants goes over to answer it. They come back and there's a package that's been delivered to me. It isn't even a package per se, it is sort of a something wrapped in a paper bag. It's a little bit shifty. It feels a little bit like sand. It's definitely from Peter shifty. It feels a little bit like sand. It's definitely from Peter DeFillibuster. It says with love from Paris, peter PS, don't tell nobody. I sent this to you. I immediately leave it on the table. Fallon smells Peter DeFillibuster scent through the paper. Suddenly, jeff starts looking all jealous Like I'm the one who sent myself liquor. Sir and no sir. I instruct one of the maids to flush it down the toilet. Crystal agrees. She says that's cool. Claudia and steven show up just in the nick of time. Steven makes sure to arch the eyebrow nice and high so that everyone knows he's in the room. Claudia gives me a handmade gift basket. It smells amazing, Claudia.

Speaker 2:

What is this? This is so soothing. I picked from fresh lavender this morning from the fields. I took it from the horses because I believe that too much lavender gives him anxiety. Beast of burdens, burden too much Pickle dust and lollipops. Oh, thank you, Claudia.

Speaker 1:

It's a whole basket. It's got the lavender, it's got the chamomile, it's got the sleepy time tea. It's so soothing I almost pass out. Ashley gives it. She gives me one of those like warmies they have for kids. Only it's so soothing I almost pass out as she gives it. She gives me one of those like warmies they have for kids, only it's for your neck. It is fantastic. As I'm fishing through the basket, though, I noticed that there is something um, round and sort of cold and hard at the bottom. I lift it up and it is a snow globe. The snow globe's not the problem. The inside of the snow globe, though, is a replica of the mansion we stand in all 59 rooms or whatever, only it's on fire. Oh, claudia, this is wonderful, it's the vibes.

Speaker 2:

Oh boy. Thank you, claudia. Yeah, wonderful, it's the vibes, oh boy thank you, claudia.

Speaker 1:

She leaves me to go and talk to a plant in the corner, steven. On the other hand, he's bookish. He spent some time in new york. I'm sure he met all sorts of artistic types, probably the backstock of the 60s artist. So he would have something like a really obscure copy of mice and men or maybe, uh oh, oh, a signed copy of the script from giant. I think that was that's something he would get. Something thoughtful like that, like it's still literature, it's still art, but it also has to do with oil. I like that movie. I haven I haven't seen it in a really long time, it's hella long. But I think Steven would give a thoughtful gift like that and probably a piece of jewelry. But I will take the obscure copy of Mice and Men and I will also take a signed copy of the script of Giant.

Speaker 1:

Suddenly there's a scream coming from upstairs and before long we all discover that Mark, jennings and Tracy have snuck off to have a little fun. Not realizing, they snuck right into baby Danny and baby Blake's nursery. Nanny on duty was in the bathroom eating the hors d'oeuvres from downstairs you know having a good little time eating scrimps and cocktails and whatnot. So she didn't realize they had come in the room. They didn't realize she was in the bathroom. When she comes out, she finds them in a very compromising position. Chaos quickly ensues. In all the commotion, I tap one of the servants on the shoulder and ask if Topless Tony is available to take me to the airport. I got to get to the West Coast and do the absolute most. If you have made it this far, I think it's a good time to remind you that you can always reach out to me via text. If you are listening on your mobile device, go to the show notes. There is a link right at the top that says send us a text. You can send anything you want. I'd love to know what you think they would give as gifts. What would you want as a gift? What was the best birthday gift you've ever had? What's the best gift you've ever given? Or watch someone receive? Reach out to me in the show notes or you can send me an email at soplorepodcast at gmailcom. That's S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at gmailcom.

Speaker 1:

Next up, we got to do the Falcon Quest crew. I figure we stick with the wealthy folks. The original three that I started watching. This one was slightly more challenging, I feel like, the further I go west, the harder it became, for some reason. This is a little bit challenging, but I think I got it figured out.

Speaker 1:

So all of this would go down at Falcon Crest. It absolutely has to go down in Angela's house. They do a lot outside too, falcon Crest. Now that I think about it, they're really good at shifting things around. Sometimes things pop off in an office, sometimes they pop off at a garden party, but all of the best of the best of the best stuff happens right there in Angela Channing's house. So we're going to start with Big Perm and of course she's going to give one of the finest bottles of wine. It's been aged 100 years or so and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so great. There's also a pair of buttery, soft driving gloves.

Speaker 1:

Because I'm going to Falcon Crest, I thought it'd be very clever to bring them a gift as well. So I got a basket full of jalapeno grapefruit moonshine I want somebody to taste and tell me what they think and I also got some muscadine moonshine, which I did not get at HEB. Let me be very clear. But in my mind it's like I like muscadine moonshine which I did not get at heb. Let me be very clear. But in my mind it's like I like muscadines. It's april, it's august, they're fresh in. Let's see if you can make a fine wine from this. I found a couple of recipes online. I want to know what big ang thinks. And it turns out to be my ace in the hole.

Speaker 1:

So everyone, everyone's gathered in Angela's living room. She's already given me the writing gloves and the vintage wine, of course, but she starts sipping on my moonshine and before you know it, she's like hey, hey, hey, how much is it going to cost to buy your vineyards? I don't really have a vineyard, I just have the grapes. I don't tell her that I don't have a grape vineyard. I don't really have a vineyard, I just have the grapes. I don't tell her that I don't have a grape vineyard, I don't have like the space. She starts offering to buy my vineyard. I'm like you know what? That's not necessary, angela, I can send you some muscadines, whatever you need. She's like nah, nah, nah. I'm a fair business woman. I exchange property for money or exchange property for secrets. I'm like what kind of secrets you got? Give me the tea.

Speaker 1:

She sends Charlie quietly up to her room. He comes back down with the journal. She says this is my journal from when I was married to Ronald Reagan, right about the time Nancy started showing up. It is salacious. Immediately I'm like, oh my gosh, I've heard some things. You know what I'm saying. I've heard some things. She said whatever you've heard multiplied times 10,. You want this journal or no? You going to send me some moonshine or no? Girl, you can have all this moonshine, I'll make sure to ship you some in no time.

Speaker 1:

I would love to read Jane Wyman's journals. Can you imagine how salacious those journals would be? The aviator Adonis is, of course, there with V-neck on, or at least two or three hot buttons undone. He gives me a pair of aviators, of course, and an aviator jacket. I dig. It's a members only jacket. It's not leather. I think that's very on brand for him. He likes to wear jackets. He always keeps those glasses on, so I think that was a no-brainer. The only thing that could top that is maybe a ride around the vineyard in his little two-seater airplane, but that kind of makes me nervous. I'd do it though, for the experience. Let's see who we got.

Speaker 1:

My girl, emma, is whimsical, she's clever, she's kooky and she's also a computer whiz. So I think she would give me an ibm computer that would probably weigh upwards of 60 pounds. So far, so good. These are all very you, normal and logical gifts, until the bad girl herself shows up Mellie Mel. Mellie Mel shows up and instead of greeting the guests of honor and moi, she goes straight to Angelus to start some ish about not being the heir to Falcon Crest. They get into a quick little battle.

Speaker 1:

Of course Chase sees it's an opportunity to be Captain Sabo. He goes over there. He's quickly told to sit down and stay in her child's place by Big Perm. So I go over to see if I can maybe smooth the situation over. It's not necessary, you could tell Melissa just needed to make an entrance. She didn't see a table to flip. So she's like okay, I'll just, I'll do the next next thing. Let me start a fight with this old lady.

Speaker 1:

Melissa's gift to me is very young and very fun and it's very official. In all of the gifts given thus far, I have yet to receive a purse. I'm going to need a purse. I think Melissa would give a true 80s clutch, probably red leather or something. It'll be buttery, soft and when I unzip the pocket there's a couple of candid photos. They are taken via a Polaroid camera. They are of an unsuspectingela rolling her hair at her dresser. There's like a series of them where you could tell someone is backing out of the room as they're snapping the shots, because in each photograph angela is.

Speaker 1:

Angela's anger is progressing. So the first one, she's rolling her hair with the rollers. The next she's kind of turned, facing the camera, mouth agape. The third, she's retching over to stand up. The fourth, she's reaching for the camera, yelling at it. It is hilarious, it is fantastic.

Speaker 1:

Melissa tells me to keep those for blackmail. And if I really want some tea, she wants me to give her the grapefruit jalapeno moonshine. So I'm like okay, I know I have a couple extra bottles of both in my bag. I tell her I will, so exchange my moonshine. Melissa gives me yet another box. When I open it, it's a. It's a shirley temple wig. I said, girl, what is this? She said this is angela's wig. She don't want nobody to know that she throws this on every now and again. She wants y'all to think it's her naturally curly hair. But she'd really be wearing that shirley temple wig, girl messy. But I'm gonna keep it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, right about time, it's time to sexy this up a little bit in walks, lance out on bail, fresh out of jail. There's really only one gift to give when you were lance cumson, aka lorenzo lamas actually there two. It's either some poster of himself, greased down with long hair on a motorcycle I promise you there are dozens in rotation to this day or it is memorabilia from Body Rock. He gives me the Body Rock soundtrack on vinyl, which I appreciate and one of Chili D's best, from the film Fantastic. Richard Channing is none too pleased to see that Lance is still there.

Speaker 1:

Lorraine is not invited. I think Lorraine is upstairs taking a nap. I can't imagine she'd want to be a part of all this, plus Richard's there. So let's say Lorraine is taking a nap, plus I can't feel out her personality enough right now to know what sort of gift she'd give. Plus she's a co-ed personality enough right now to know what sort of gifts she'd give, plus she's a co-ed. I'm not really trying to make college kids get any money, but Richard, on the other hand, we're going to take all of his money.

Speaker 1:

Richard, of course, gives me a membership to Tuscany Downs. The VIP lounge is open to me anytime I'd want to go. There's also a gift of $2,000 I can gamble to or use to gamble at my discretion. It's not credit, it is a $2,000 gift to gamble on horses. I don't know the first thing about horses, so I mean I'm definitely going to go and have it. I think I have to go and have a great time. Tuscany Downs looks like it's the place to be. Plus, they look like they have a really really great lunch Not a La Mirage lunch like a really great one, probably chefs and whatnot.

Speaker 1:

Richard sees the opportunity. He's noticed that Angela is feeling a little loosey, goosey over there drinking moonshine and by this point Melissa has found the only table in the room and decided to climb on top of it because she's gone off of that. Grapefruit moonshine, grapefruit, jalapeno moonshine. Richard asks, of course, hey, hey, hey. Are you going to sell me part of your vineyard, are you going to sell me part of your land so that I can produce box moonshine? I was like I don't really think box moonshine is going to work.

Speaker 1:

The whole point of moonshine isn't being in a jar. It's got to be a little dirty, it's got to be a little bit secret. I don't think that's a good idea, richard. He's like hey, give me two bottles and I'll give you something. I know you've had your eye. Okay, cool, can I ask you a question also? He's like, yes, you can ask me a question also. So in exchange for some grapefruit and muscadine moonshine, richard Channing hands me a fistful of those Nazi jewels that he had stolen. You remember when he let that dude die in the cave? What was his?

Speaker 1:

name Gosh. What was his real name? It doesn't matter. He's gone. Richard, let him collapse.

Speaker 1:

But there was all these jewels and stuff laying about. He actually grabbed a couple of handfuls. He was in the process of having them appraised. They're appraising for a pretty penny, but he's like I'll give you like three of them for your moonshine sold. Also, I want to ask you, richard, did you, did anybody check to make sure that dude was dead? And he's like, absolutely not. But on the way out I definitely heard him talking. So I mean he when he, when I left, yes, he was definitely alive. Did I tell anybody? No, did anybody go and check also? No, it's about time for the manimal to show up and he is thoughtful enough and amused enough by my calling him the manimal. I get a box full of memorabilia that never was manimal, was supposed to be this huge hit never rolled out. So there's all sorts of cups and t-shirts and action figures and, of course, one of my favorite things in the whole world a signed headshot. Actually, I don't mind this one because it's a signed headshot of him holding a falcon. So it's like falcon crest manimal. I dig it.

Speaker 1:

I think Leather Pants Pam would be there, because, number one, it's an opportunity to wear out a new outfit. Number two, she can keep an eye on Richard, but mostly I think it's just out of obligation. I think she would no doubt give me a vinyl copy of Thriller, right? It's very clear who her wardrobe inspiration is. There's no doubt about it. That is one thing I wish I could do. I wish I could go back and watch Thriller for the first time with the world when it premiered. I can only imagine how crazy that went the next day. Also, how many people had to wear with all the recorded, I wonder. I wonder if it was on a loop or something. I bet that was. So just like, oh my God, everybody's jaws on the ground. Amazing. While I'm smiling at this brand new copy of Thriller, in walks, aunt Terry Now, aunt Terry strikes me as a cherry lip gloss girl.

Speaker 1:

So I felt like I'd open her gift and it'd be cherry lip gloss and just yards and yards and yards of gold lamé. Now, when I look at her, like, what am I supposed to do with this? She's like go home and make something. I don't really know what. It doesn't matter what you make, you're gonna look hot, hot in gold. We'll see, terry, we'll see.

Speaker 1:

So I was really thinking about Maggie. I feel like Maggie is probably a little bit under the influence, a lot more than we noticed, a lot more than we care to call out. But I also started thinking about her role in the show. Maggie is always in the middle of something, but she is quite literally the only person on the show that nobody's ever pissed off at. Nobody's ever upset with Maggie, but she's always in the mix.

Speaker 1:

So Maggie would give me a book of 101 ways to be nosy, rosy and come out on top. It is something she would have written herself, because sometimes she writes screenplays, sometimes she writes magazine articles, sometimes she goes undercover to report on dangerous working conditions for children. Sometimes she's yeah, she does it all. If there's some sort of you know, not too backbreaking media work, she's definitely going to do it, and I think she really has a. She understands how to be all up in your business, but keep it cute enough to where you don't even realize she's being nosy and a little bit invasive. Now she's gonna start reading a couple of pages from it and, because I do believe she's under the influence most of the time, it'll make a whole lot of sense there's probably at least three chapters of straight gibberish, but when it's coherent is that she knows what you're talking about.

Speaker 1:

Okay, did I forget anybody about me? For us, who we got? We got angie chase, mel, emma, lance, richard, manimal leather pants, pam, aunt terry. Oh, oh, my gosh. I didn't mean to be shady just now, but I was shady just now. Just like now I'm having a good time about to join Melissa on the table dancing to Tina Marie going off this good wine and moonshine. When I finally noticed that the rack that I go to hang my coat on isn't a coat rack, it's actually coal. Ugh, who invited you? He crosses his arm and says right back at you Normally I wouldn't want infants at the party, but where's Joseph Joseph's with his nanny? Hmm, well, did you bring a gift for me, cole? Begrudgingly, he reaches in his back pocket and hands me a folded, a folded headshot of himself, and it's not signed. To jet with love like a respectable human being. It's signed, or there's a message on it, rather, that says this chiseled jaw and killer headshot, look like a toddler. Yes, yes, it does yes, it does we're right about now.

Speaker 1:

Everybody's having a great time. I kind of don't want to leave. But then I look over my shoulder and I see julia dressed as a police officer. Oh my god, julia, I thought you were at the insane asylum or, excuse me, with the nuns or something. She didn't really say much. She's just kind of walking around smiling nervously at people and everybody starts to feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

Julia hands me a small box. It looks like it's a ring box. When I open it, there are two bullets, two bullets, people. The room goes silent. You can hear a cork drop on carpet. Julia, um, what are these? She's like. Well, they're bullets, of course, and I kind of go.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm nervous, wishing I had a little coffee and I said, julie, are these for me? No, they're not for you, but they're for somebody in this room. All right, that's enough, angela, can Charlie take me to the airport? I need to get him down to LA real quick. Plaza Falcon Crab. You better get the heck out of there quickly. Something's bound to blow. Yeah, it's about to blow up, so I I gotta go. Y'all can have the rest of this moonshine.

Speaker 1:

As I'm leaving, falcon crust, joel, florida, man mccarthy jumps out of the bushes. Oh, my happy birthday. He tells me he has a gift for me. I immediately know that this is not just a birthday gift, this is a result of B&E. I'm like, okay, he pulls out a brown paper sack, tells me to close my eyes. I'm not getting any more booger sugar near me. No, sir Joel, I'm gonna need my eyes open and I'm gonna need you to take two steps back. It's like, okay, bet, bet, bet. He shimmies, opens the paper bag and opens his own palm and out pops a Rolex. Oh my gosh, a Rolex. Thank you, I remember he. You know he'd been blackmailing people, so he had a little money. Well, when I go to look at the Rolex and turn it over, happy anniversary, love Ricardo. Happy anniversary, love ricardo. Joel. Where did you get this? I? Bought it.

Speaker 1:

Do you like it? Yes, I like it, thank you. Is that stolen yard flamingo? Mine too. It's like yep, if you want it, I'll take it. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so not slanting when I think about this. Mind you, this is season three, not that that really makes a difference, but everybody is doing well. Financially. They seem to be doing fine, I know. I think everybody's doing well. This is what we think about when you think middle class. They're not super wealthy, but they are very, very far from struggling.

Speaker 1:

So I thought about if these people aren't going to be buying you diamonds and things like that, even if they are running a dealership. They're trying to get new businesses off the ground. Everybody is fairly new at whatever it is they're doing, with the exception of Richard and, I guess, kenny. So these gifts would be sort of normal. It didn't occur to me until I started sort of thinking about what that would mean.

Speaker 1:

Gift giving now is very, very different than it was in 1981. I just realized today that I've never had a time in my life where I couldn't go into a store and buy like a gift set of lotions, of body spray, stuff like that. I don't think that was available. I started getting a little bit nervous, like, okay, well, these people aren't going to buy me a blender because it would be your birthday, granted. Now we buy each other like micro appliances. I've definitely bought like desk fans, desk vacuums and stuff like that. But if somebody gave me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday, what is this? So I was going to Google it first Google gifts from the 1980s but I decided, after flipping through the channels, that I would just watch the Price is Right On Amazon Prime. Right now they have Price is Right channel and it's the Bob Barker era, which probably lasted what? Like 50 years, 28, 30 years, something like that.

Speaker 1:

I was today years old when I realized that Bob Barker had brown hair. I was like, wait what? I don't know what year the the ones I watched were from probably like late 70s, early 80s. He has brown hair some of times. Sometimes it's really dark brown and then other times you could tell it was starting to gray and they probably sprayed a little something on it. He still looked good. Barb barker has always been him. First and foremost, he is charming, but he also says exactly what's on his mind. He is hilarious. He is so good at hosting this show that's neither here nor there.

Speaker 1:

I watched to get to get some ideas of, like, what would a normal everyday person just buy or be super excited to receive. I think I got some stuff. Might need y'all's help, though, okay. So I think Karen, being sort of the leader of the neighborhood watch something like that. She's going to be at this point in her life. She's focused on family, she's focused on building memories, she's focused on building the future. So I think she'd give me like a photo album, right, that's nice and neutral, that's something very practical. That's something you could give somebody for their birthday. You wouldn't need like a super special occasion.

Speaker 1:

I think Valene, the Vidalia Onion Queen. I would like a signed copy of her debut novel, first and foremost, duh, but also she would have made the cake hands down. And Val strikes me as like a dusting powder girl. You know those dusting powders. You ever go in your grandma's bathroom and they come like in a purple or pink circular jar it's got a plastic lid and it smells. So it smells like lavender or roses or something. I feel like she'd do that. In my mind that's the equivalent of body spray in 1981. It's not super serious, it's something you can pass on, but I'm going to need a signed copy of her debut novel. Okay, laura, laura is newer money, she is her when it comes to real estate in SoCal, or at least in LA, at least in this part of LA.

Speaker 1:

I think she'd give me one of those jewelry boxes. Not only did I look at the prices right, but I just started thinking about things that are in my Aunt May's house, or just furniture that I saw in the early 90s. Or if you go into an old person's bedroom now they probably still have it. It's a vertical jewelry box with a little door, so it looks a little bit like a bureau. Is that how you say the bureau? If you open the little glass door, it has a miniature, for best way to say it is a ceiling fan. Looking thing to me. You'd hang your necklaces in that in the drawer. Quote-unquote part would be this be where your rings would go, and the other drawer you'd hang your necklaces in that in the drawer. Quote-unquote part would be this be where your rings would go, and the other drawer you'd have your earrings. I have a vague memory of this being in my aunt may's house and I thought it was so, so cool, along with all the perfume on her dresser. So who we got? We got karen, val and laura would drop off very normal gifts.

Speaker 1:

I think Richard one of two things. Would he give me a book of the law? I don't think he loves a law like that, but I did just discover, thanks to the prizes right, a video gaming system system. Not a nintendo, it's a colico colico vision, colico vision video game. It looks like two remotes and old-fashioned phone cord hooked up to a black box. Maybe he didn't buy me the game, maybe he would buy me games for that, like games for gaming system.

Speaker 1:

Lily may of this is no brainer. Lily Mae's going to bust out whatever that is she's playing and she's going to be singing her little heart out. I want to hear in the pine country and whatever new song she's written. Of course she has a mixtape. I'm going to enjoy that, which is perfect, because I think that Ginger would give me a Walkman. I think that's practical right. Give me a Walkman so I can listen to Lily Mae's mixtape. But I feel like Kenny would give me some. He'd want to be smooth. He'd want to seem very sophisticated, maybe a little too eager. Smooth, he'd want to seem very sophisticated, maybe a little too eager. I think Kenny Wiggy, give me some signed autograph album of this really happening new artist. They're country and Western. You're going to love them. They're amazing.

Speaker 1:

Now Lily Mae's going to overhear this and cop an attitude, because why are you signing new country artists when you have old school country artists who've been on the road for 40 plus years? How dare you? She's got an attitude and instead of confronting him, she just starts singing in the pine country extra loud. Oh my gosh, okay. So gary, here's the truth doesn't seem like a gift giver to me. I think he would piggyback on whatever Valene gave. However, he's probably not going to be pumped about that book when he hears about it. So I think Gary would do probably the most generic thing he's like okay, this is a lady, here's a scarf. He'll hand me a box and he'll be like making that stupid face I hate so much. I got you a scarf. I heard you like baby blue.

Speaker 1:

Of course it's gonna make okay okay gary shut up, he's gonna roll his eyes. I'm gonna roll my eyes. We're both smirking at the same time. I can't stand you, gary, but I am gonna take the baby blue scarf and then that leaves Abby. So, abby, I figured her gift would need to be semi-practical. She doesn't strike me as anyone who's cheap.

Speaker 2:

Doesn't seem like she's afraid to spend a little bit of money longer than hers.

Speaker 1:

So Abby or her ex-husband, rather, I don't know whose money is going to buy this. She's going to give me a book on seduction and a really expensive bottle of champagne. This, of course, gets eye rolls from Vidalia, from Laura and from Karen. Valene is pissed because, number one, why are you trying to compete with me with a book? And number two, why is it a book on seduction and she says this much? Why would you go and give a book like that to her? That's a married woman. Why would she need to be seductive? Don't you understand the sanctity of marriage, abby? Don't you understand? Karen is going to be pissed for a totally different reason. Like Abby, is that the bottle of champagne I bought you for dinner. That time you told me you were not going to fix my taxes, that you messed up. All that you messed up. All Abby says is and did. And also, val, if you want to borrow it from her, you can. And that's when it goes down. Actually, it would never go down there.

Speaker 1:

From what I'm watching so far, there's very. Karen is confrontational. They might have a little confrontation with each other, but I don't think Knotts Landing fistfights each other. I think that's a whole nother show Now in this amazing fantastical fantasy. Yes, I know Citizen is in season three, but there's no way I can't do that and I certainly also definitely don't want any of the kids there. No shade to Michael and Eric. They're cool. I actually really like them. Baby Two Names seems cool too. She don't really do much. And Jason, he seems cool. I've hardly ever seen him and actually I like all the kids except Diana. I was going to say Diana has been okay, but I think she would be insufferable and quite frankly I get annoyed when they fold her in sometimes with the older ladies. I understand she needs that guidance. That's how you're supposed to do it, but she get on my nerves, I don't know. Hopefully she's babysitting all the kids In the rest of this fantasy everybody would come together.

Speaker 1:

Obviously it would have to happen in Denver because they have the best space. There'd be a mix of millennial jams and other jams, but of course you know I need Lily Mae to perform a couple numbers. I need Lance to whatever he's singing. We need that. I guess Ginger could sing a song or two. Well, oh, I need Alexis back on stage. Remember when? What were they in Billings? I can't remember where they went. She did that whole country and western dance outfit and all that leather. Yeah, I need it to turn up. I need the bad girls to unite. I want, oh, lucy could sing too, and I guess Afton can come and sing. But I'd like all the mistresses, all the bad girls, all the good girls, all the in between girls.

Speaker 1:

I want to hear Kirby and Julia have a conversation. You know what I mean. Could you imagine the guidance Julia would give Kirby? I want to hear that girl, kristen, coming there in school. All of them, them. Okay, yeah, y'all pulled out weapons, but like, what else are you going to do? Did you get away with it? I'm saying all the baby mamas to pop up, all the almost baby daddies to lament together. Can you imagine the conversation between Cole excuse me, between Lance and Cliff Barnes about almost having a baby with your mistress, only to have her run back to her husband and marry somebody else? It's crazy.

Speaker 1:

I want to hear Richard and JR talk about being villains. I want to hear Angela talk to JR about being a villain. I want to hear Angela set jocks straight if he says something out of pocket. I want Terry and very boring Fallon to compare their boring lives. Actually, no, terry is a whole lot more fascinating than Fallon when you put them side by side. Dang, I want to see bad girl Melly, mel, disrespect the house, flip over every table over something inconsequential, like her napkin ring was the wrong color, or something like that. I want somebody to get into a fight. I want Claudia to slap somebody. I think this could be the most epic gathering of all time. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's going to have to be a story for another time.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for joining me today on my fan fiction, fantastical fantasy birthday. If it's your birthday, I hope you're doing well. Um, birthday's august 11th, by the way. Hopefully I get this out in time. I promise you, if I don't get it out that day, it'll be very, very close. It's been a busy month already and it just started. All right, guys, join me next time when we jump back into some soap opera debauchery. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Thank you Bye.