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Soaplore
Ever wondered what you missed out on before the golden age of streaming? Welcome to Soaplore, the podcast where we dive headfirst into the wonderfully over-the-top world of vintage soap operas from the 80s and 90s. I’m Jett, a TV-loving Millennial who’s finally escaping the monotony of modern shows and embracing the drama, the shoulder pads, and the catfights of yesteryear.
Join me as I experience the soapy sagas of "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Falcon Crest," and "Knots Landing" for the first time, episode by episode. With over 200 shows, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and we’ll probably question our life choices—just like the characters do, but with slightly less fabulous wardrobes.
Whether you’re a Xillenial who grew up with these iconic series, a Millennial like me who missed out the first time around, or a new fan discovering the glorious chaos of primetime soaps, "Soaplore" is your time machine to the melodramatic past. Tune in, relive the magic, and let’s marvel together at how people ever survived without binge-watching.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong, because, trust me, you’ll need it. This isn’t just nostalgia; this is Soaplore—where every episode is a rollercoaster of emotions, and nothing is ever as it seems.
Soaplore
S4 EP28 Falcon Crest : Cold Comforts -The "Jumpsuits and Jail house" Episode
When plans go awry, true character is revealed. This pivotal episode of Falcon Crest serves as the perfect bridge toward the season finale, connecting all storylines while raising the emotional stakes for every character. Lance's escape plan collapses when Lorraine suffers a devastating fall from a fire escape, landing her in a coma with multiple injuries and the loss of their baby. Driven by love rather than self-preservation, Lance abandons his chance at freedom to be by her side, only to be arrested at the hospital in a janitor's disguise. His capture sets the stage for what promises to be a dramatic legal battle ahead. Meanwhile, Melissa's web of lies begins to unravel when Greg Reardon discovers her $50,000 payment to Joel. The revelation forces her to contemplate turning herself in, even as she worries about separation from her son Joseph. Her emotional turmoil is perfectly captured in tender bedtime scenes that showcase the high cost of her deception. Just as she prepares to confess, Robin returns with news that she's pregnant with Cole's child, adding another explosive element to an already volatile situation. Elsewhere in the valley, Chase and Maggie's anniversary celebrations are cut short by work commitments, creating tension in their marriage. When Chase is later confronted by Connie's romantic confession, his rejection is gentle but firm—though the encounter suggests more complications ahead for the couple. Perhaps most intriguing is the continued development of Cassandra and Damon's storyline, as their recurring nightmares reveal more about their mysterious past and a traumatic house fire that clearly shapes their present mission. As the episode concludes, all players are perfectly positioned for the coming finale. Will Lance face justice? Can Melissa find redemption? What is Cassandra and Damon's true connection to Falcon Crest? The answers await in what promises to be a thrilling conclusion to this season's most compelling storylines.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or welcome back to another fun-filled edition of so Floor. I'm your host, jeb, viewing and reviewing the Sophia Sudsia's primetime storylines of 1984. So, whether you're new to this or true to this, sit back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or, out of sight, tell they have no questions. Suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Suggestions or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Everyone else on airshot. You need to be cool, quiet or get kicked out because we are watching our stories. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Soapcore. Hello, gorgeous, welcome back to another fun little edition of so cool. I hope your day is going well. I hope it's shaping up fine because we have got to really push through. Falcon grass has two shows left before the finale, so we're going to try to put pedal to the metal, get through those as quickly as possible while still giving them their due. This episode, I gotta admit, was a little bit different, in the best possible way. There's not a lot going on, but it's all very necessary.
Speaker 1:Falcon Crest became one of my favorite shows because it's got that killer combination of mystery, action, drama. They did it well. I never saw the show the Mod Squad, but in my mind that's kind of what it could be. It could have been at any point had they decided in season one it could have gone that whole sort of mystery drama angle. But of course they have added in soapier elements as the season's gone. Seasons three and four are almost completely different than seasons one and two. I'm sorry if y'all can hear that. I don't know why these birds are having a whole family reunion convention outside of my window. But you know what, maybe they want to see this show too, maybe they're into it. But I like Falcon Crest because it was a little bit more mysterious, whatever, and they haven't really lost those elements, they've simply added to it. This season it seems like there's two or three mysteries floating around at the same time that people aren't aware of.
Speaker 1:This episode is the bridge to the conclusion. Falcon Crest has always put a nice little bow at the end of all their stories. I can't think of anything that has sort of popped up and never had a conclusion this season. I thought it was going to be like Maggie's dad, which still doesn't really make sense, but I guess they brought him in so that we would know that she was adopted and then they could introduce the other woman. So they do things in order. I mean, there's a reason for everything and I've always liked to show. Because of that. I've always appreciated it. So go ahead and pour yourself up something bubbly and bright. I'm going to try to do this as quickly as possible so we can jump to the next one and we can finally get to the conclusion of season four across the board and then the end of season three for not landing. So sit back and enjoy season four.
Speaker 1:Episode 28 falcon crest, cold comforts. Now, when last we left the, the music was swelling. It was starting to feel a little bit more like a movie. The clock was ticking for lance and lraine. Specifically Lance, lorraine is a new addition to his escape plan. Everybody was trying to get them to a super secret location so that they can get on this boat, get in the shipping container and float all the way to Italy until things blew over. You got to admit this was sort of a rush job. It's not really like Angela to do these sort of knee-jerk things, but she had to this episode because Lance is acting a teetotal fool. He's refusing unless his girl is with him. So I guess they are in love, love.
Speaker 1:Some of the great love stories that we're all supposed to believe and really look into is you got Romeo and Juliet, you've got Bonnie and Clyde, is what comes to mind, which I've never really understood, maybe because I'm a little bit of a nerd. I enjoy history and it's like if you really read and understand what happened to Bonnie and Clyde, these kids, they robbed a little something here and there, they went on a couple of shopping sprees and at the end of the day they were turned into Swiss cheese in a car. But I guess the feeling people get when they see their love story is that they were so dedicated, so committed to each other, that nothing was going to stop them from being together. I think you give them another three months, they would have fought and broke up somewhere. That's what I think. He might've knocked her up. She might've gotten remarried somewhere in Kansas. It wouldn't have. It wouldn't have gone well. You know what I'm saying. But for whatever reason, bonnie and Clyde is the epitome of a ride or die relationship. It being on the run and in love means you are Bonnie and Clyde.
Speaker 1:We're going to have to call Lorraine and Lance laundry and tag, because this story has been a wash from the beginning. This was never, ever going to work out, especially if Richard had anything to do with it. So when last we've left, sweet little Lorraine had a knee jerk escape plan after she'd gone to the building where Lance was and he had already disappeared, pamela gave Angela a tip, angela let him know, so the cops couldn't get a drop on him. She happened to be there. Lorraine's escape plan was to swiftly and nimbly crawl out on the fire escape and run away. Only, that didn't really work out. She's a little bit clumsy, you know what I'm saying and her escape plan came to a devastating halt by way of a 50 foot fall from that fire escape.
Speaker 1:You'll be happy to know that Lorraine only has a broken leg, she has a broken arm and of course, she's got a good old fashioned fractured skull. Because we need her to be in a coma. That seems to be the formula for soap hoppers If you need a woman in a coma, fractured skull I hadn't seen a dude in one yet, so we'll see what that does. So consequently, but not surprisingly, lorraine has lost the baby. It's okay, though, sort of. She may have lost this baby, but her uterus is top-notch, doesn't look like she's going to have any problems going forward. She can still have Lance's baby if she wants. But then she don't know any of this because she is deep in a coma. So while she's being rushed to the hospital and all this work is being done on her, lance is left waiting at the dock of the bay, dressed like the Hamburglar. Angela's there to make sure he actually gets his little narrow behind on that boat, because she doesn't believe he will at this point. And she brought back up. Chow Lee was the one who had Lorraine in the villain car. Angela was in her little two-seater and she has Chow Lee's cousin. We'll call him Chow Lee's cousin, number five.
Speaker 1:The captain of the ship has been nervous about this whole situation from the giddy up because he was only told about Lance originally. Angela comes in last minute and is like yo, I got one more person, I got a girl. They're going to get on the boat. She's going to get on the boat with him. You need to marry them as quickly as possible so that this baby ain't no bastard. And the captain wasn't really cool with it, but what could he do? But now people are starting to get suspicious. They should have been on the open seas a long time ago. It's taking forever.
Speaker 1:He comes out of the boat and he says Angela, we're leaving now, point blank. Period. We've been waiting and waiting and waiting. She's like no, no, seriously, she'll be here any minute. She'll be here in like two minutes. He said you said that 30 minutes ago. Now Lance is like wait, yeah, he's right, he's right, he's right. Why is this taking so long? I'm going to go call Falcon Crest.
Speaker 1:So Lance skedaddles over to the phone booth, risking calling a home that is no doubt tapped by the feds to find out what happened to his love. Luckily, emma doesn't go anywhere, so she's sitting by the phone crying and once Lance calls, she fills him in on Lorraine, even tells him where the hospital is. You already know what comes next. We're talking about the renegade here. It's about time for Lorenzo Llamas to start making his action movie debut. So he turns to yell at Angela Lorraineraine's been hurt. I'm leaving Now. He tries to run to the car, but it is my observation that his feet hurt in his boots. This seems to be a very common theme on Falcon Crest. Whoever the designer, the clothing designer is, the costume designer, they must buy the shoes and you just kind of squeeze your foot into whatever works, because I have to see it almost on every episode Somebody's walking around like their feet hurt. But that's not going to stop Lance from getting to his lady love. Angela tries to stop him by yelling at him. Of course he ain't trying to hear that. So she's like Chow Lee, cousin number five. Get over there Now.
Speaker 1:I don't know how old this man is. He looks very good, he is very good. He's very tall, he's lean, he looks very healthy. But the way he moves and his mannerisms I feel like this man might be in his sixties. He just looks really good. He looks about 40, 50, you know something. But he could be mid sixties. Angela don't care, get over there and stop him. And they have, of course, an epic action scene. Oh, this one was good. Instead of being like ha hoo, ha, it was a little bit more like like a musical, like West Side Story. It was when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dying day. It kind of reminded me of that. So it was very choreographed, with a final as the old man flipped over, lance takes Angela's little two-seater buttercream gang colored Mercedes and drives into the city.
Speaker 1:Mind you, it's probably midday when all this is happening. Maybe it's early afternoon. Lance decides after driving well into the night because by the time he gets to this destination it's night that maybe he shouldn't be driving around in this car. There's probably a bolo out on every vehicle from Falcon Crest. So he jumps out. He's still dressed like the Hamburglar and there are plenty of people walking about. So I'm a little confused. If he's at the docks in San Francisco, which is already the Bay Area, doesn't seem like the city would have been that far. But for whatever reason, it is night now, so he's walking around in quote-unquote, a disguise under the cloak of darkness. All this is causing quite the kerfluffle at falcon crest. Angela somehow made it back home. I guess she called a cab and for the first time she has to tell somebody outside of chow lee where lance is or isn't.
Speaker 1:The manimal didn't know that Angela was hiding Lance all this time. I kind of forgot. The manimal thought he was on the run. So Angela has to confess that she had hit him. Blah, blah, blah. He ran away. He's upset about Lorraine. So they can all probably deduce where he's going, but for some reason they never get that far.
Speaker 1:This scene also made me realize what drives me crazy about the manimal. So it's the way he says anything with sort of an oi sound, an oi sound, so oil, boil coil, somehow lawyer, like the part of lawyer gives him a little bit of pause. It drives me crazy. So I decided to look up other interviews with him and I found one from I think it's like the year 2003. He speaks with a real British accent. It's just it's a little quicker. You could understand. All of his words is really crisp, really clear, but very fast. So he's speaking a lot slower on Falcon Crest. And then I found one from like 1982 and he sounded exactly like he did in the 2003 interview. So what I think is happening is that if this is like 84, 85, he's still sort of young. So maybe he's picking up on that SoCal accent and it makes some of his words sound funny, like he has to over enunciate anything. I remember when my sister moved back East like she moved to East Texas and her kids were really really little at the time they picked up a super thick Southern accent. Like within a month it was so thick when we'd see them. It's like when they come back they'd sound, they pick up on our accents and it's just kind of this weird mix. I think that's what's happening with an animal and perhaps he has a dialect coach that is like okay, slow down, enunciate these words. But it's kind of distracting as he does it, it's like he has peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. When he talks Back to Lance, this man ends up walking all through the night and he arrives at the hospital by morning and once he gets to the hospital it's very bright outside, people are walking about and he's staring up at the hospital from the sidewalk like, ok, now, how do I do this?
Speaker 1:How am I going to figure out where she is? You can't just waltz in there Now. As he's looking at the building, sort of contemplating how he's going to enter it, he's being looked up and down, down and up by the passerbyers. So he's like, oh crap, it's probably time to ditch this cartoon burglar outfit. He decides that he needs to either dress like a window washer or a ghostbuster. I guess he's thinking window washers clean glass can't really see glass. Ghostbusters clean glass can't really see glass. Ghostbusters find ghosts. You can't really see ghosts, so they ain't gonna be able to see me if I put on this khaki, dicky suit. He does that very thing.
Speaker 1:He manages to sneak into the hospital, into the janitor's closet, with his coveralls and everything would be okay, except for hospitals have nurses. Nurses work really long shifts 12, 15 hours. Sometimes he happens upon a nurse I'm calling her nurse 12 hours because she clearly is ready to go home. She's tired. She got a little bit of an attitude. So think about this.
Speaker 1:Lance comes out of the closet and he crosses in front of her like he's going left down the hallway and she yells at him. She goes hey, didn't you hear the page? There's a spill in radiography. Somebody made a mess. You need to get down there. He's oh, oh, okay, okay, sorry. So he spins on his heels, he's turning the cart the other way and she's like, excuse me, radiography is down this way. So it was the way he was already going.
Speaker 1:So I'm like why is she yelling at him? She had no reason to say anything to him, because there's no reason to believe he wasn't heading to radiology. That's neither here nor there. Like I said, falcon crest needs to tie all these things up. So he turns to her. He goes, oh, oh, I'm, I'm so. Yeah, this is my first day. I got a little turned around, I'm a little lost. As he's talking, she's like she's looking at him and you can sort of see realization wash over her face. He's also kind of cute, he's going to be memorable. And she's like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. So he goes about his way.
Speaker 1:Now, how he knows where Lorraine's room is, I'm sure I don't know. But what I do know is that Mellie Mallick gone to visit her. So Melissa's at Lorraine's bedside quietly begging her not to die. The guilt of all this is really kicking Melissa's butt, this episode. But as she's whisper, praying to Lorraine, in slips Lance. Now he manages to pass Richard and all that. I guess Richard's gone home and gone to bed. But he slips in and Melissa's like, oh my God, lance, I'm so sorry. What are you going to do? Are you going to run away? Do you need some money? Maybe I can find a way to help you. He doesn't know that she kind of set this thing up, but she's guiltily saying all this, set this thing up, but she's guiltily saying all this, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:It's like Lance doesn't even really see Melissa. All he sees is his beloved, laid up in the hospital bed with a very neat bandage on her head. Now, mind you, she's supposed to have a broken leg, a broken arm and a fractured skull. She has two feet of gauze gently wrapped over her bangs. She ain't wearing no cast. There is nary a sling in sight. She is simply laying in the bed.
Speaker 1:Lance sits down and, oh gosh, I know I haven't always been kind to Lorenzo Lamas's early acting attempts, but I think he's gotten a lot, lot better sometimes. And then sometimes he's really bad. It may have been the cocaine, the book of sugar age. I've seen interviews where he said he was high sometimes and this could be possible on this episode, maybe him and lorraine allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. But he sits down and he begins to cry and listen. The crying is really good. It's authentic. You can tell it's coming from a place of pain. His eyes are. He's really producing water. It's just when he talks. He has very few lines in the scene, but somehow it's. The acting is still bad, even though the crying is good. I wish he'd just cried the whole time and it's almost like the acting is criminal because in walks the cops just a few moments after that Nurse 12 hour has ratted him out. She didn't even get the prize money, she just called the police, pointed them at him. He didn't even put up a fight, he got up in his ghostbuster realness. They put on the handcuffs and he leaves.
Speaker 1:The next time we see Lance, he is in a very large jail cell, large enough to have a long table that he can sit on when he's visiting his grandmother. I kid you not, he's in full jailhouse rock attire, like elvis presley jailhouse rock. It's the denim on denim where they have the spray, the numbers that they have the stencil they kind of paint it on. And sadly that bouffant or the pompadour or whatever that he was wearing in court would have been perfect for this scene. But his hair is all flat and he's all sad again.
Speaker 1:Now he cries again. But he has these lines he has to say grandmother, I can't touch her, I can't touch Lorraine, and it's kind of bad. But luckily Jane Wyman's there to carry this scene a little more. So she said to you wipe your face, baby. You sit down, look at me, look at me. He looks at her. Your grandmother is a bad B, you are a bad boy. Baddies, don't cry, put your chin up, chest out. We're going to get through this. I need you to keep the faith, baby boy. I promise you, I promise you, I promise you we're gonna get you out of this. And he's sitting there like his. His face is quite gorgeous, I have to admit he doesn't. He doesn't cry beautifully, but he does cry beautifully. You know what I mean. He doesn't have a horrible cry face beautiful red room eyes, real tears. He seems really sad. He seems like dang. I don't know, I don't know if I'm gonna make it in here, grandma, but angel's like you, let this baddie take care of this Now.
Speaker 1:While Lance is a little bit deflated, melissa is as well. She's really going through it, holding the secret in. But everything's about to come bubbling to the surface. So we see Mellie Mel at Joseph's bedside. It is clearly bedtime. It is time for his nighttime routine. Joseph is curious, though he's like, hey, where's Aunt Robin? I ain't seen her around in a while. Where is she? Melissa goes. Oh, she ran away. I'm sure she'll be back. I'm sure she misses you too.
Speaker 1:So Melissa starts to sing this lullaby. Ok, remember what I said about craig reardon's greg reardon's accent. Melissa's is a little bit the opposite. I assume this is sort of a british lullaby or little song. It sounds like it could be, probably because she tries to put on a british accent and it doesn't really work out. The song goes some mazy dotes and dozy dotes and little lamsy divy, something like that. Well, she starts singing and it's a bad accent, it's off key and maybe it's a little bit corny to baby joseph. So he's like pause, pause, mom, ah, what are you singing? And she goes it's a lullaby. He goes aunt robin sang fun songs. And she goes oh well, what did aunt robin sing to you? He said beat it. I busted out laughing, not mike jackson in bedtime, I'm here for it. But this is like absolutely not, you need something more appropriate. Mazy dotes and dozy dotes. And she started singing. And j Melissa's like absolutely not, you need something more appropriate. Maisie dotes and dozie dotes. And she started singing and Joseph's like okay, well, I mean when Aunt Robin was singing she would sing on key and it was good. Nevermind, I'll just join you. So Joseph joins in and he's singing on key and it is kind of cute. But I disagree with Melissa's choice here. I don't feel like MJ is inappropriate at all If you think about it.
Speaker 1:Everybody who has kids or babysits kids. You have cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, whatever. We all know that the objective of the day is probably two or three things. Number one you need to make sure that they survive the entire day. They don't fall off something, run in front of something. You got to make sure they stay alive. Number two you got to hopefully squeeze in some sort of nutrients to keep their body running at full speed. Blah, blah, blah. And number three, probably the biggest one, on most days, you want to wear them out so that you can rest too.
Speaker 1:So the nighttime routine if you're reading a wax story, you're singing a wax song, he's going to stay up. He's going to keep having all these inquiries before bed. He want to know how the moon works and all that. You got to tire him out. So, if I may, I would take a page If I were Melissa from Robin's book. Go ahead and have a whole Michael Jackson playlist. We're going to only do Thriller. I would suggest continue with Beat it. Let them stand up, dance around, beat it you're going to get all tired. Then you got to follow it up by. I Want To Be Starting Something. It's slightly slower. You know what I mean you can kind of ease him into that because he's probably a little bit tired, but that song is mad long He'll be fine.
Speaker 1:Next, I feel like you got to do human nature. If you can hit all the notes. If you don't like the lyrics, just change them. You know what I'm saying? Change a couple of them, put his name in the song and of course you got to end with lady in my life. I love that song. Oh my gosh, I love that song so much and you can be like you could be, like you could be the baby in my life. Just change it. Make it beautiful, leave them with something sweet. God, I love that song.
Speaker 1:Last little part about mj I could have sworn that pyt was on off the wall. I did not realize that was on thriller. I digress, put them in there. Let them sing. That michael jackson is perfectly appropriate for a millennial kid to sing at night. Sing it to a millennial baby, because I definitely say all kinds of stuff Chris Brown, erykah Badu, fleetwood Mac Sing whatever you want.
Speaker 1:It's a lullaby, sing, it's just. You need a slow song so you don't go to sleep. Anyway, my MJ Beat. It is not an inappropriate lullaby. The inappropriate lullaby is one that she sang to Mr Joel. Write you a check for 50 G's Quietly deposit in. For God's sakes, please Don't go buy new whips and drip. Keep my name out your mouth or I'll bust your lip. Girl, that's what she said to Mr Joel McHale or, excuse me, mccarvey, the Florida man, and it has come back to bite her in the butt. Joel did keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately that makes no, never mind, because the manimal is about to find out everything. Maggie and the manimal's research not only exposed Richard as having at least some sort of connection to Joel, but it also exposed Mel, not outwardly, but just enough Side note. I think we can all agree that Maggie is clearly the brains of this operation.
Speaker 1:Reardon is reaping the benefits of all of her investigative journalism. I'm just saying he's leaning real heavy on her hunches and they're turning up good. So the manimal is about to find out all kinds of information from another little songbird, a little birdie called Bartender. So Reardon is taking his lady of the month, the lady of the week out, that's Aunt Terry. They go to, of course, richard's place. He sends up the deuces. I thought he was sending up the deuces to the bartender. He was like oh no, I need two drinks.
Speaker 1:One thing about Terry. I'm going to tell you what Terry's going to. Number one she's going to find a piece of gold to throw on at some point. She's going to make sure that gold is shimmery and she's going to throw on an old lady sandal. Lord willing and the creek don't rise. She has on like a bedazzled mule with black tights. Not hating on her outfit, but I'm like Terry loves the old lady's shoes. She got on the praise and worship 3000s, but it's neither here nor there. She's out with her man. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So the manimal sits Terry down and then he goes over to the bar and the bartender's like Mr Reardon, I heard you've been asking about that Joel, character Joel McCarthy. The man was like yeah, you have any information. The bartender was like you know, I might, I might have a little something. Well, the man puts the $5 on this little tray and slides it to him. This is the tip for those drinks, or he paid for them. Hell, it's 1985. They could have been a dollar fifty, I don't know. The bartender says well, you know, I may. I think I have some pretty valuable information. So Reardon pulls out a hundo as the bartender slides a little tray back over, as in hey, put a little more on that, I'll put a little more in your mind. Well, reardon puts the hundred on the little tray but he puts his hand over it.
Speaker 1:Bartender starts singing like a canary. He says a couple months ago, florida man comes in, he was all pissed up and bruised, he was mad about getting kung fu by lance cumson and walks melissa, melissa and him have a little quick chatter, chatter, chit, chit. Next thing you know they're walking out on the terrace, walking out on the. They have another little chatter, chatter, chit, chit. Melissa leaves. But Joel comes back in and he is high on life. He's requesting that the DJ play Moneybags by Cardi B. He's hooting and hollering. He's buying the entire room drinks.
Speaker 1:Comes over to the bar, tells me oh man, my troubles are over. I of course ask him well, what do you mean? What's going on? He says got this new driving job. It's gonna just pay so big. All my troubles are over. Bartender then says he even left me a 200 tip that night. You don't forget that sort of thing. Well, those of you wondering two thousand two hundred dollars is six hundred dollars today, but the buying power of their dollar is like a dollar in 1984, 1985 would buy what $10 would buy today. You know $600 is a lot of money. Period.
Speaker 1:Reardon is like dang, but he looks kind of sick now, like oh crap. So he does slide the bartender the hundred dollars which I guess would be the equivalent of 300, but he and terry can't even enjoy their drinks. He's sick to his stomach at this point. He grabs what she eat. We gotta go, babe. I'm sorry, we gotta go.
Speaker 1:So now joel knows that melissa may be the reason why there were so much money in joel's account. So he does what any red-blooded lawyer would do. Lawyer, as he says, he invites Mellie Mill out the next day and he takes her out on the terrace at Richard's place to ask for some advice. It's kind of weird if your lawyer friend was asking for advice, but maybe she thought it was personal. He says he's asking for a friend, but he has a friend that he just found out did something a little bit terrible. Their actions caused an innocent man to go to jail. Now Melissa immediately knows what he's talking about, but they're speaking very veiledly. There's no outright accusations here. Melissa says well, how do you know that your friend had anything at all to do with that. Glad you asked Melly Mel because the night previous after Joel excuse me, after the manimal had taken on Terry home, he goes over to Falcon Crest to talk to Angela.
Speaker 1:He's like Angela, can you make a few phone calls? I need to get some bank records like I need them right now. Tonight Angie has a whole valley in her pocket. She's like, say less, picks up the phone calls of the branch manager or whoever gets whatever records he needs, which seems a little bit illegal. If I remember well, we'll get to that what he saw in the bank records from Melissa was that she definitely did write a check.
Speaker 1:Now I don't know why in hell she would write a check to Joel for bodily injury to Lance Compson and vehicular damage on this date, this time, and the memo line is like he shouldn't have called me a whore and a bad mother. I can't imagine what she would have written on that check. But whatever it is, it's got reared and like yo, yeah, I have dates, time, I have $50,000 amount. I'm pretty sure my friend did it. The only thing left to do now is to go to the authorities.
Speaker 1:Melissa says well, what if something can be done. What if your friend turns themselves in? She's crying, he's sad, they hug each other and he's like, yeah, but I'm sure that the authorities would be very gentle on her. I would fight this, right. How do you know? Joel wasn't going to do some sort of. Maybe he was going to build her a gazebo. Maybe he was going to build a porch. Maybe he was going to soup up her coop. I don't know. There's a million reasons why you would write that man a $50,000 check. Maybe she could be like maybe we had a little thing going on. I didn't want him to tell Cole it was blackmail.
Speaker 1:There's a. This is a bad girl. This is bad girl. Melly, mel, what the mean? What do you mean? You're going to turn yourself in? Well, she's also riddled with guilt at this point. She just feels so bad. She had no intention of Lance going to jail. All she wanted was for him to get stomped out. That's it. And this turned into something awful. Well, it continues to get awful because Melissa then goes home and she too puts on a Ghostbuster window washer type jumpsuit.
Speaker 1:Only hers sort of looks like an Apollo 13 jumpsuit, like she's an astronaut or, yeah, like a national, like Ridley wore an alien. She's looking at baby Joseph and he's still singing that middly, diddly, doddly, whatever that song is. He's singing her nursery rhyme instead of beat it, or lady of my life, and she's getting really sad. Like dang Cole comes in, he picks up Joseph. Joseph is acting circles around him too now that I'm thinking about it, but she looks sad because she's remembering the time that she was apart from him and she could possibly go to jail Although, like I said, circumstantial. I could have written that check for anything, unless she full out wrote what I said. Then she's screwed. So I guess she thinks better of the jumpsuit.
Speaker 1:She considers that she's probably going to have a mugshot. She can't be captured forever in a photograph looking like some kind of space mechanic, so she changes into this little peach number. She decides she's going to go talk to the cops. She puts on the bad girl hair Let me go down here looking fierce so if something happens they can at least be, you know, a little bit distracted. Well, as she's about to leave, there's a rat attack at the door. They open the door. It's cousin Robin.
Speaker 1:Cousin Robin is looking at Cole all seductive. Melissa's that girl, where have you been? Your mom and dad are going crazy. Your mom and dad are calling me all day, every day, wondering where you are. She's like girl, I know, I know I'm going to call my mom. Melissa's like yeah, you better, I'll be back. They're very worried about you. I got to go, we'll talk when I get back. So Melissa leaves and cousin Robin shouts after her Okay, yeah, we'll find something to do.
Speaker 1:Now she's all seductive, ductive. When she was a quiet little bird earlier, not anymore. Cole's like what are you doing here? She goes I thought it was about time for me to come back. She insinuates that she wants another round with Mr Gia Berti. He's like I wish that night never happened, although he's also looking her up and down. She goes well, that doesn't matter anymore, because the rabbit has died. Then she says you're about to be a dad. I was like what does that? The rabbit has died. The hell is she talking about? She's talking about the burr rabbit, tortoise and hare, the briar, the velveteen rabbit. What are you talking about? I've never heard that in my life, so I had to do a little internet research to figure out what she was talking about. So forgive me if you already know this. I doubt it, because you're not 110.
Speaker 1:Circa 1940-ish, if doctors want to know if a woman was pregnant, they would take her urine and inject it into a rabbit a female rabbit, obviously. And if the female rabbit showed signs of having HCG, which is a pregnancy hormone, in her system, then they would know that the woman is pregnant. Now my very first question. I'm not a scientist, I'm not a doctor. Why wouldn't you just test the urine of the woman, why you need to put in a rabbit and furthermore, what does that mean? Why is rabbit dead? It took me a few pages before they outright said well, they have to kill the rabbit and I'm like to figure out if she's pregnant. You have to kill the whole rabbit. Well, they're going to kill it either way, but they're going to kill it and open up and see if it's pregnant. That seems like a lot. And then eventually they were able to do it with other animals. But couldn't you just test the woman's pee? So the rabbit has died is a way of saying a woman is pregnant, but also, the rabbit was going to be dead regardless. Make it, make sense. It'll make sense to me. But you know what? There's clear, blue, easy. That's how they do it. I knew they used to do blood tests too. Can you just anyway, let's get off that? She let him know that he's about to be a daddy. She's carrying his little Bambino. So Joseph has a cousin, brother, sister coming up.
Speaker 1:Speaking of investigations, maggie is now working on Leather Pants Pam. See, maggie had a thought while she was talking to the manimal in Chase over coffee. She said okay, we know Richard put money on Joel's books at the rehab center, but why? The only person who's going to actually tell us is Pam. Pam knows everything about Richard.
Speaker 1:So Maggie invites Leather Pants Pam out to lunch and to my surprise, leather Pants Pam shows up in an easy breezy white ensemble like a super long tunic. Of course she has a little leather clutch. You know she's got to keep it light, but she has 100,000 reasons to keep her mouth shut. Maybe it's because she's loyal to Richard, maybe because she has been paid to keep her mouth shut. So she doesn't mention Melissa. Maggie said girl, I know you and Richard are a thing. I'm not really trying to come between, whatever y'all have going on, but think of Lorraine. Lorraine is in a coma in behind all of this foolishness. Do you know how devastated she's going to be if anything happens to Lance. Nobody knows that Lance is arrested at this point. Leather Pants Pam keeps his poker face. I am loyal to Richard.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're talking about, maggie. She gets up and leaves in her easy breezy. So I guess Leather Pants Pam is only wearing leather on days with the letter U in it. So I'm assuming this is a Monday, wednesday and Friday. I don't know why. I believe that. I just do Because leather is heavy, especially in SoCal, like in California. You gotta consider the weight and the un. It's not a breathable material. Good on her for switching it up, wearing a little silk from time to time so her skin can get some air. Maggie's like ah, you know I tried. She goes home because it is her anniversary. She and chase are going to celebrate umpteen years of marital bliss.
Speaker 1:Quick aside, maggie always looks absolutely just. She looks incredible all the time, and I'm talking about the way they style her. It's never too much, it's always just enough. She looks like she could be in a catalog. It looks, it just looks really good. I always. I love everything she wears on this. She never, ever looks like what girl you got on, and this is no exception.
Speaker 1:I don't remember what she was wearing at first because her husband walks in with this big old box. Oh gosh, it's not the good gift box like the pretty ones, it's those little flimsy ones they give you if you go to a department store and it's Christmas, you know it's. It's the kind that kind of fold flat and you pop them out their cardboard. I hate those boxes with everything in my soul. I hate those so much. I used to reinforce them with duct tape so they would be a little more stiff. Anyway, I don't even use those. I hate those. She opens it and it is a fly. I don't know if it's a mink or a fur out of chinchilla, some sort of fur coat. It is gorgeous. She puts it on. She's like oh my God, she loves it.
Speaker 1:But the phone rings and she has to take off her giant Zsa, zsa clip-on earring, which is one of my favorite things to see people do on a soap opera. I love when they take off their clip-on. She answers the phone and it's the Globe Mag. You got to get down here. They arrested lands. We got to work.
Speaker 1:We had to put this story out tonight. She's like oh my god, can can it wait like can I do? Y'all really need me there? They're like yeah, we really need you there. You have to be the one to approve it and this is you know. You can't remote in, so you have to come. She tells chase babe, I'm so sorry, I gotta go. But as she's on the, I noticed she has this gorgeous tennis bracelet. She just looks a hundred times richer in this scene. For some reason it's the coat, a hundred percent. So she has to leave and Chase is a little bit sad. He's like well, I'm sorry on both accounts. I'm sorry that Lance is in jail and I'm sorry that you got to go. You know no big deal, he's not actually mad at all. So when Maggie leaves, the night is still young enough.
Speaker 1:Chase walks down to the wine house to find Connie Giannini feverishly working on the perfect champagne. So he walks in Connie's working on the champagne. Hey, chase, how's it going? It's going well. What about that champagne you were working on earlier? Oh sure. She goes over to the little mini fridge and she pulls out a beaker of champagne. I love this.
Speaker 1:My country behind thought they were going to take swigs out out a beaker of champagne. I was like I love this. My country behind, thought they were going to take swigs out of the beaker. But then I remember this is a classy establishment, this is a classy soap opera. Obviously, if you own a vineyard, you have tons and tons of proper flutes and wine glasses around. So of course she pulls out the flutes, pours the champagne from the beaker, swirls it around, do whatever you got to do. I don't know if you swirl champagne, I feel like they did. Chase tasted and he's all delicious. He makes the devastatingly sexy mistake of using his panty dropper voice to describe the depths and the richness and the taste of this here. Champagne. He's all sexy, subtle Girl, that's all Connie can take. The way he's describing this champagne made Connie want to go home and put on some lingerie. Her lust for him.
Speaker 1:This episode is, in my mind, reflected through her hair. Her hair keeps getting bigger and bigger. Every time they see her, it's bigger. The thing is it's not 80s big, you know what I mean. It's not hairband 80s big hair where it's teased in a different. You know what I mean. There's 80s big hair and then there's 60s big hair. Her hair looks like 60s big hair. Her and Terry. This episode, actually, I don't know why. They look like one of the little girls on Toddler and Tierra. They're going to be in a pageant. You know the weird little wave they have to do in their hair? Connie's hair looks like that and it's getting bigger and bigger because Chase is turning her own Before you know it. She's like for crying out loud.
Speaker 1:Chase, stop using your quiet storm voice. She confesses to him that he's a total smoke show. He's got brains, he's got class. He's one of the most incredible men she's ever met. He's a man of her dreams. You're so sexy, chase. Let's make this thing real.
Speaker 1:She goes over and she kisses him. To his credit, he immediately backs up. He doesn't push her, he backs up, but he does grab her arms and then he grabs her wrist. She's like, chase, I'm so sick of pretending like you're not hot. I am so attracted to you. Please, let's just do this, chase, ever. The gentleman, yeah, he's like, oh God, connie.
Speaker 1:Connie, I'm sorry. He apologizes for being so sexy. I'm sorry. I'm so devastatingly. Gosh, I be forgetting sometimes. You know what I mean. I just hop up out of bed, I turn my swag on and I forget that it could be. It could cause a woman to stray and I'm really sorry if I brought this on. Let me take my sexy self somewhere else. Let me leave. So he leaves, he goes home and he puts on his full pajamas I mean silk pants and a button up sleep shirt. He goes to bed.
Speaker 1:Maggie didn't come home till the next morning, but she bounces on the bed in her fur coat. She loves that coat. She looked good in it too. She's like hey, boo-boo, you want to finish what we were getting started. He's mad.
Speaker 1:He got her attitude this morning. It's like where did this come from? Maybe because she woke him up, maybe because I don't know, maybe he's struggling with Tawny. He didn't seem to be. But he tells Maggie well, don't you have some work to do? He says something really snippy. So I suppose this is a prelude to something we're supposed to believe. They're having more marital problems because she's overworking, not to mention she's overworking right, allegedly. Was it this season, soap fiends, or was it last season? Didn't he go to Europe to chase around clues and stuff? He was obsessed. Yeah, that was the beginning of this season, season four. Was he or was he not obsessed with figuring out what happened to that plane? That took up all of his time. But she's been working for two weeks and you got an attitude in silk pajamas, have a seat Chase. I suppose I should mention that Lorraine does eventually wake up, for whatever reason she chooses.
Speaker 1:This sort of struggle breath like the. You know, I'm malcolm in the middle, malcolm's little friend who would. That sucks when you talk like that. Well, she does that in this scene and actually I'm not mad at it. It makes a lot of sense that someone who went splatter, tat, tat on a concrete sidewalk from 50, 60 feet in the air seems like you did knock your breath out. Something would change. And I guess, since she's not wearing a cast, we, we gotta, we gotta imply that she is in pain or that she is struggling in some capacity because she looks perfectly normal. She says, says I'm not going to do the breathy thing because I'll pass out.
Speaker 1:But she basically says she knows that Lance is in jail because he's not by her side. She had a dream that he was by her side. If he's not here in this moment, that must mean something happened. And Richard does say yes, darling, he's in jail. Lorraine says dude, I never asked for a lot, but do you remember when I was little and I used to ask you to help me. I'm asking you to help me now. Please get Lance out of jail so he can be at home with me and our baby Leather Pants.
Speaker 1:Pam and Richard kind of give each other the eye. Then they go out in the hallway and they're like dang, when are we going to tell her that she lost the baby? We'll give it a little bit. We'll give it a little bit leather pants. Pam tries to plead with richard again. Like richard, what, sir? What are you gaining at this point?
Speaker 1:The whole point of putting lance in jail was so that he would be away from the rain. Now you're gonna lose her for this, but do what she says. Be the man that she wants you to be. Do this for her, at least try, and that way you can at least salvage that relationship. I've said this before, I won't harp on it. But there is something so peculiar about Richard. Like he is, he is classically handsome, but he always sort of fidgets around like he's got the bubble guts or he definitely hears voices or something. His, his body just can't quite be comfortable. He's kind of gurgling, and that's the, that's the term I'll use. His body sort of gurgles to me. Anyway, all of these stories, I guess could sort of be standalone this episode. They connect, but they don't really connect. This is all just a bridge to the next episode.
Speaker 1:The only other thing that I feel like needs to be spoken of real quick is a Cassandra and Damon angle. Everything, everything is set. They bought what they needed to buy. They have convinced who they needed to convince. All that's left to do is to push the button, I guess, and put the plan in motion, or put the finale in motion. I don't really know what it is. One thing I do know, one thing that is very, very clear, is that Cassandra and Damon, they're not killers, they're not connivers, they're not really cut out for this sort of thing. They have a conversation in the privacy of Cassandra's office, which is peppered with peach. I hate the way that peach looks. But Cassandra at the privacy of Cassandra's office, which is peppered with peach I hate the way that peach looks. But Cassandra at the top of the show was at the hospital with Richard. I guess she showed up after Lorraine was in it, because Richard jumped into the ambulance by himself with Lorraine, but by the time he got to the hospital, cassandra was there and she feels bad for him.
Speaker 1:Dude, you need to go rest. Why don't you use my apartment? My apartment's really close. You can just stay there and sleep and then you can come back and check on her whenever you need. He's like that's very nice, but I think I'd rather just stay around. Well, damon knows that.
Speaker 1:But Cassandra also knows that Damon has been taking Emma all around. He wants to take Emma to New York. He's having all these dinners. Cassandra can tell that Damon really likes Emma and Damon can tell that Cassandra really likes Richard. They both know they need to keep their eyes on the prize, but it's becoming a little bit more difficult. So they kind of bickering with each other. Cassandra's like why are you walking around with your little girlfriend? Damon's like why are you walking around with your little boyfriend? Cassandra tries to say Damon, you're not cut out for this. And he's like oh, and you are. This ain't even our plan. This is mom's plan. He's right, it's not even their plan. You can tell they don't have it in them like that. These aren't evil people. They actually like the people they're supposed to destroy, but they can't go against their mother.
Speaker 1:Also, cassandra, this sweet woman, this woman needs some Ambien. Or do you need Emma's pills that she stowed away on season one when she was acting real kookaloo. She needs something because this woman has been having night terrors her entire life. It seems she's 28 to maybe 34 years old. That's a long time to wake up screaming. Every time you lay your head down on a pillow, we get to see a little bit more of what she sees in her dreams this episode. So now we know she was in the fire, damon was in the fire, they were navigating getting out of the house and you can hear a warped voice.
Speaker 1:All this time I thought it was her mom. It appears it's a man this time because he's like Cassandra Cassandra, but we can see him this time. And the set designers for Falcon Crest didn't actually build out a whole set Like it's not a real house. It looks like something you would put on stage. So you see the doorway, the doorframe and you can see like a fireplace in the background. You can see all this fire and the dad has or this man has his arm in front of his face. He's looking for the kids when a beam on fire falls from the ceiling and I am to assume he was consumed by the fire. I'm kind of secretly hoping, though. This is a whole Bates Motel situation or psycho situation, where we're thinking it's the mom, maybe it's the dad who thinks he's a mom and he's like all covered up, because when we saw Cassandra and Damon's mom, head to toe covered in all black gloves and all that, or maybe it was, you know, maybe their dad died and that's why she met.
Speaker 1:I don't know what the connection is to Falcon Crest yet, but I know we're going to find out in the next couple of episodes. That's pretty much it for this one. This was just sort of connecting all the dots. So we got cousin Robin is back in town and she is with child. Melissa has been found out by at least one other person. Melissa's money is long. She paid Joel $50,000. She paid Pam $100,000. She's trying to drop even more money on Lance so that he could escape. It's all too much for the bad girl, but it would appear that we're getting closer to getting Lance acquitted. All right, guys, that's it. That's all for this episode. Join me next time as we jump into another delectable vintage primetime soap opera. In the meantime, in between time, can we just get blood work for pregnancy? Kill the rabbit. You killed a whole rabbit. I'm still a little bit shook. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and keep all of your drama on TV. Thank you, Bye.