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S5 EP2 Falcon Crest: Unfinished Business - The " Un-Mellow in Yellow " Episode

• Jett Shae • Episode 323

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A glass of nostalgia, a splash of danger, and a valley full of secrets—this Falcon Crest recap is loaded. We kick off with canned screwdriver memories before diving straight into the vineyard’s new tempo: grief turning to heat as Lance and Terry find solace by the lake, Richard reeling from news that Leather Pants Pam is “gone,” and a blacked-out Bronco shoving him toward another near-death mystery. The pace is tighter, the stakes are higher, and every smile hides an angle. Angela does what Angela does best—listen, learn, and leverage. After overhearing Anna and Cassandra’s budget blowup, she weaponizes restraint and reputation, from a brutal San Francisco office visit to a quiet threat at home. Meanwhile, Melissa tries to toe the line between growth and fury as Robin undercuts her in her own house. A weary priest calls out her legendary sins with unvarnished honesty, and Cole steps up to defend boundaries—finally—before the next crack forms. The sharpest blade belongs to Maggie. Amnesia can’t mute instinct, and every mention of Richard lands like static. Angela arrives in soft colors and sharp intent, dropping a whisper of an affair that Chase refuses to confront head-on. The result? A single glass on the table, a note underneath, and a choice that rewrites the power map of the valley. Add in Father Christopher’s arrival—an earnest smile covering a secret that could split the family—and this hour becomes a study in how truth, money, and memory are traded in Tuscany Valley. If you love 80s prime-time soaps, high-stakes family politics, and plot twists that actually pay off, you’ll feel right at home. Hit play, then tell us: is Maggie safer with Chase or Richard—and did Angela finally go too far? Subscribe, share with a fellow soap lover, and leave a review with your boldest theory.

SPEAKER_00:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome and welcome back to Soul. First of all, I've placed one of these novels with an ODR fan. I'm your host that's still viewing and reviewing OpenStab. So whether you're doing this over through the background, why thought you did not play outside or outside? So there's no questions on the open point of four. I hope your day is shaving on well. Mine had a little bit of a foolish hour or two, but we are back on track. We are centered. We are gathered here together to enjoy some vintage primetime soap operay. So settle in. We're about to get into an exciting episode of Falcon Crest. Does that sound a little bit unusual to you? It does sound a little bit unusual to me too, but we'll we'll discuss that here shortly. Go ahead and crack open something ice cold, refreshing, something dark and lovely, whatever you need to get through this. I, me myself personally, I'm gonna pop open another can of this hair bubbly as we dive into season five, episode two of Falcon Crest Unfinished Business. Man, I used to love it as a little kid going around with my aunt May who loved soap whoppers. She would tell me, okay, get your purse, we're gonna go take care of some business. And taking care of business usually meant we're going to the grocery store, we go take an old relative to some sort of appointment or another. Stop by the liquor store and grab herself a screwdriver. But either way, it made me feel so important to have a purse filled with absolutely nothing but like lip smackers, lip gloss, and Dr. Pepper lip gloss and nothing else. And I just knew I said, Oh, I can't wait to become an adult and go handle business. And I I do from time to time I enjoy running errands. Funny enough, though, I am now four years into this journey of watching these old shows. I'm absolutely converted, I'm absolutely head over heels. I started this because of her, just because of my my curiosity about that time in my life, but I've never thought to go and get a screwdriver. Is that even a real thing? It is possible. I am remembering it as something else, but she used to like these little cans. There was a an alcohol store. Oh my god, how old am I? What do you call it? A liquor store. So there was this grocery store right on the corner. We would be handling business. I would always like get a few grapes, and they were nice. They'd cut up fruit for kids and give it to you. We'd run around, pay bills, do whatever we needed to do, and then we would go through the drive-thru at the liquor store. Now, this is way before people cared about kids, I suppose. Obviously, they knew I wasn't sitting in there drinking, so it was no big deal. But we would definitely go and get two of these little short cans, and she called them screwdrivers. I've never bothered to look that up, but I think I'm gonna make that my mission this week is to go find one of those. Let me see what that is, because that sounds like that might be a little bit. I think my um stomach lining, and I think you need an ironclad stomach from at least the 30s to drink that. That's just my assumption because I do remember she'd be a little bit buzzed, and like I said, it was a little bitty baby can. Either way, we didn't come here to talk about alcoholic beverages, we came here to talk about Falcon Crest. The Vineyard is alive and well, and so many things are popping off this season right away. Falconcrest is feeling a whole lot more like um, like uh one of your best friends who grew up over the summer. They were an ugly duckling in May, and by September they came back as a full-blown baddie. It behooved me to not recognize this show has always been a baddie, but they have not necessarily pivoted, they have found a level of confidence that I think they wear so well, so far, so good. So, where should we begin? We're gonna begin with a little research first and foremost. Okay, Uncle Google says that a screwdriver, oh, is vodka and orange juice? That doesn't make sense. Wait a minute. A screwdriver is an alcoholic highball drink made with orange juice and vodka. In the UK, it's referred to as a vodka and orange. While the basic drink is simply two ingredients, there are many variations. Many variations have different names in different parts of the world. That is so interesting to me because it was in a can, but I as I'm saying this out loud, I'm realizing we didn't buy this at the grocery store, it was at the liquor store. Okay, I didn't realize that they could put hard liquor in a can. Actually, let me take that back just a little bit. I've heard about these new drinks, the cutwaters, which apparently have hard liquor in the can. I just haven't I didn't know that was something that you could do. That's so weird. I guess I'm just now realizing in real time that I've always associated hard alcohol with glass bottles and canned beverages as just you know malt liquor or something. You live and you learn. I'll I I it actually sounds delicious. Anyway, let's get down to business. They're not messing around like they usually do. Falconcrest has always kind of liked to slowly fold you into the story. No, no, no. They came out the gate swinging this season right away. Of course, we have to start with our bit players. That honestly has become my favorite part, the little side stories. I mean, everybody has their own thing going on, but not all the time, if that makes any sense. Bit players this episode are going to be none other than Lorenzo Lamas, aka Lance, and Aunt Terry. Here's the thing. Beginning of season four, everybody walked, and I do mean walked away, from a plane crash in the Rockies. Neri, a burnt piece of clothing, a couple of the men's shirt must have blown open. I guess it was a I guess the fire was only strong enough to melt buttons. Nobody's hair was singed off, nobody had any smoke inhalation related illnesses that lingered far beyond this accident. Absolutely not. Three people died, everybody moved on with their life, including Aunt Terry, who was all up and through the Manimal all last season. She still let them disrespect her at the beginning of this season, but on today, on today, she is a widow in mourning. We are once again reminded that she is the sole heir and and just absolutely devastated widow to good old cousin Michael. Cousin Michael was the one who performed the first ever cryogenic brain surgery on Maggie. Holy crap. I didn't okay. I didn't think about that. So Maggie has had a brain tumor that was frozen, and then I guess it shriveled up because it was frozen and it was gently removed from her skull, nearly a scar inside. She had to shave off absolutely not a follicle of her flawless hair. She then goes on to survive a plane crash, nearly a scratch on her body. So why didn't I think she was gonna survive getting blewed up? And yes, I do know the proper term is blown up, but I like saying blued up like I like saying flued out. So perhaps she's an amnesiac because of that cryogenic brain surgery she had a few episodes ago, or a season and a half ago. Either way, Tuscany Downs is popping, and Aunt Terry is a little melancholy. Lance walks in and he coarse, he makes some quip about her being slutty, and she's like, How dare you talk to me like that? Do you even know what today is? And he's looking around, like, I mean, is it buy one, get one free? Is it cocktail? I don't know. What was today? Today's the day of the plane crash. I was sitting right next to Michael. Girl, you ain't you haven't uttered Michael. She ain't been to the craft store, Michael's. She ain't said narrell a word about that man she knew for 45 minutes. She ate all his chips, she drank all of his Pepsi, and then she happened to marry him in a buzzer beater effort. I gotta give her that, right before he died in a plane crash, leaving her all of his wealth. She ain't thought about that man. She was too busy ducking and dodging Florida man. God, Terry might be bad luck. That's two dead husbands, that quick. Watch out, Manimal, watch out, Lance. But anyway, she's like, Lance, I was sitting right next to Michael and he died. Mind you, Lance was also on that plane crash and he did just fine. But they have this moment where Lance is like, oh yeah, you're right. Okay, yeah, that's the day you became a widow. Hey, I'm a widower. Sucks to suck sometimes, right? They decide they need to spend the evening together in widowhood, widowhood, just until the unease slips away. Not everybody handles their emotions well, right? Some people are very uncomfortable with low points, not realizing that they will eventually turn back into high points. The pendulum always swings back the other way. Some people journal, some people knit, some people eat their feelings, some people drink their feelings. When you are a baddie on television, on primetime television at that, circa 1984-1985, you don't drink, you certainly don't eat because who wants to look plotted on camera? But what you do do is you screw you strip down to your skivvies, lake side, and you bone a widow or a widower. Now, Lance and Terry are very lucky that both of their respective spouses are long gone. So they are guilt freely having a good old-fashioned Boeing fest. That's right. I know you're saying Jett and a white no white wait a minute, what? Yeah, they totally did each other outside by a lake. Two wealthy, healthy, red-blooded American baddies said absolutely not to a hotel, motel, holiday inn, absolutely not to one of our sprawling estates. We're gonna pull over this this Cadillac, we're gonna cross the street, we're gonna strip down, we're gonna do the nasty right here by a pond, and then we're gonna sleep. So we find them the next morning. Terry is talking out the side of her neck about Lance. Like, how I don't it didn't even really make sense. They're just announcing to the audience basically that they got it on, but it was quite obvious because they are laying in a field of grass. Somehow they had a blanket. So it makes me wonder did y'all stop by somebody's house and grab that? Which one of you is promiscuous enough to keep bedding in your back seat just in case something pops off? I have my thoughts and I'd love to hear yours. Remember, you can always reach out to me via text, check the show notes. There is a link that says, Send us a text. I want to know who do you think between Lance and Aunt Terry? Who do you think is walking around or driving around rather with betting in their back seat? I know who I think. I think it's kind of obvious, but I'd love to know what you think. And if you'd like to go a little deeper, you can always reach out to me via email at soaplorepodcast at gmail.com. That's S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at gmail.com. I want to hear from you. I'll always email you back. Can't text you back, but I will definitely acknowledge you. Which reminds me, we have a couple pieces of fan mail I need to get to. I'm so sorry I already started the show and I'm not like in the same, not in a position right now to look that up. But we will talk about that very soon. I got some more tea on Knotts Landing that I find incredibly interesting. Anyway, Terry is basically telling Lance that the you know the boink was aight. It was cool, it was, it was what it was what it was. He wakes up, I guess he was a little more drunk than she was. Perhaps he had a screwdriver and a can or two. He's like, Where are my clothes? She's like, Oh, they're in the car. He's looking around. Where's the car? Across the street. Exhibitionist. You see what I'm saying? This is how you know they know they find. Like, oh, okay, we we we're rich, we're wealthy, we have all the amenities available to the average person, and then some, but now we're gonna do this just in case a school bus or something drives by. Who knows? Lanza's like, you know, I ain't embarrassed, I ain't ashamed of myself, you know what I'm saying. She tells him he can grab a fig leaf and walk across the street and get his clothes, and he's like, and we'll ain't nobody scared. It's a grown man over here. They, of course, are turned on by each other's mourning breath and decide we're already naked out here. Let's do it one more. I gotta say though, I'm not I'm not saying I have a crush on Lance. I'm not even saying I find him all yes, I do. I find him very attractive, but I'm trying to pinpoint when this happened. I think it's around late season three. I know what it is. He is inching towards that renegade look where his hair got all along. He was flawless. He's looking like any 80s villain in any action film, but he doesn't, he's not as douchey as he usually is. And I need to make a quick correction. I said that he was wearing a yellow sweater when he was at Lorraine's grave. It wasn't. It was like a gray Kooji sweater, all different colors, it didn't really matter. He just looked smoking hot. Moving on, because we got some other. Oh I have some devastating news. Oh, soap thiens. It is with a heavy heart that I need to tell you that the most unique lover of leather has met her demise. Allegedly, Leather Pants Pam LPP is gone. We know this because new lady lawyer Jordan stops by Richard's place to uh to chitter chatter chit-chit with him. He has asked her to personally investigate Leather Pants Pam. He's like, listen, she's got$100,000. I know she's in Brazil or Texas or Montana getting all the custom leather she can come up with. She is fist fighting Eddie Murphy down at the swap meet for Plether as well. She's trying to be that chick. And Miss Lady, Miss Jordan says, unfortunately, that's not the case because three days prior to you getting blewed up, she uh met her demise in a car accident. He's sad, sad. You can tell he's devastated because remember, he tore up half the universe, half the world searching for her when the cartel snatched her up. You don't just lose those feelings. They have a very interesting and intricate relationship, and I'm saying they they have because there is nobody. I don't believe Pam is gone. She was way too pissed off, and quite frankly, she's way too interesting of a character to just let her fall by the wayside. I think in Falcon Crest style, we're having a Julia moment, right? Right? Julia got blewed up, only really not. She crawled under there like she was in Sister Act and survived. I think the same for Leather Pants Pam. But anyway, Richard is a little bit devastated. And okay, thank you guys so much for letting me know who this woman is. Her name is Morgan Fairchild. Now you probably knew that. That name sounds familiar in my mind. That was a totally different person. Somebody on Full House for some reason, I thought. I don't I don't know what I was thinking. But in my mind, y'all ain't gonna believe who I thought she was. This is so embarrassing. Mind you, I'm I'm mixing up the names and the faces a little, but this is par for the course for any 80s baby, 90s kid, I'm certain. Most of our formative years were filled with just absolute tabloid TV, ratchet daytime TV, fist fight, degenerative stuff all the time. So I'm thinking, y'all know who I thought she was? I thought that was Trump's ex-wife Marla Maples or his mistress. I remember seeing that spread all over. Oh, I remember seeing that story played out several times, probably like on Dateline or 60 minutes, something. One of those shows. Oddly enough, I was kicked out when the soap operas were on, but I definitely remember sitting in the living room watching that, watching it several times. So either I thought Marla, I thought Marla Maples was an actress, and I thought it was her. I'm now realizing that's not the case, and they still, I don't even think they look that much alike. I just I don't know. It was all running together for me. Side note, and I'm sure I've said this before, forgive me if I did. Another thing that has always ran together in my head is the movie Space Balls and the movie Star Wars. Like I just remember the little dog eating the ice cream, and then Darth Vader had a giant helmet, but then he didn't. It all sort of meshes together when you're a kid and you're just your brain is trying to make connections, it's making things make sense. I thought this woman was Marvel Maples. Who in my mind is also related to Jaja Gabor. I don't know why I think that, but I did. Anyway, they're also remaking Space Balls, so maybe, maybe I'll sit through that because I ain't finna sit through 12 hours of Star Wars. That's what I'm not gonna do. Not that it sucks, but yeah, I have a hard time with space movies. Anyway, back to the lecture at hand. Leather Pants Pam has been scratched off the very long list of people who could and would try to kill Richard Channing. Somehow he still has all the money and wealth and resources to do all this investigation, but it's not getting him any closer. You know who is getting closer to Richard? Not quite, but sort of Miss Amnesiac Maggie. Let me take it back to the beginning a little bit. So Jason and Maggie are making strides. She is warming up to him, they're able to have easier, more comfortable conversations. She's not treating him as much like a stranger, probably because, I mean, they're living in the same house. He's not trying to press up against her anymore. He's letting her breathe, he's letting her live, and she is feeling more comfortable asking him questions. So they're out in the vineyard, and he's giving her sort of a brief history of their history there and why he loves it and that she loves it. And she can sort of feel that. She's like, wow, how I I like it now. Did I like it then? He's telling her, Yeah, you were absolutely in love with this. Well, while they're having this conversation, a cowboyslash lawyer shows up, an older man, sweet little gentleman. He was on the first episode. I didn't catch his name that time, but I believe they're saying his name is B. Riley Whitley Esquire. I added Esquire because I like it. So he comes up and he's he's kind of a yokel, he's fun, he's smiling, but he's delivering some news he doesn't really want to deliver. The news is that Connie Giannini, who is still MIA, has decided that Chase is pretty much the sole owner. Now I say pretty much, because she isn't outright giving it to him, but she is making it extremely easy for him to buy all the rights, buy everything up from her. And then he Chase is like, Whoa, are you serious? B. Riley Whitley Esquire says, Unfortunately, I am. Now I like to play hardball, but for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do that. So Maggie's listening to this, and something in her spirit starts to shift. She starts to become uneasy. Her spidey sense is tingling. Memory be damned. She's like, wait a minute. What wait, who? What? Lawyer explains. Yeah, Miss Connie Giannini owns this venue down the roy. She wants to uh basically help your husband start his new wine venture since he's been kicked out of Falcon Crest. And the old cowboy man is like, man, you lucky, lucky. But this is what the lady wants. The lady gets what she wants. So as Mr. S Mr. Riley Whitley leaves, Maggie's like, Why does that name make me uncomfortable? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, No, but for real, I get a little bit pissed off when I hear her name. My spine feels funny. I don't know, man. Yeah, you know. Also, though, this sort of tracks. If you think about it, Connie only flew in to, I want to say she wanted to take care of her mom. But when Chase and Maggie met her, her mom had recently passed away. So she basically came in just to tie up all the loose ends. She was lured into working for them. She was then seduced. She then got a little kissy poo-boo face. And then, you know, his wife blows up. She's like, you know what? Let me go back to my life. I was very happy on the other side of the world. Let me just go back and do what I know how to do. But she's willing to give Chase the opportunity to basically take over fully. So I wonder how that's going to play out on the show. I feel like she would need to show up a little bit, but I don't know. She's off making those cookie commercials, eating them diet cookie with that pageant hair. Speaking of hair, Big Perm is back, baby, bolder than ever. Never mind the fact that Anna and her wretched little advertising queen daughter are there to destroy Angela's life. She's not flustered. She's not bothered because Angela is a woman who's constantly thinking. She's just not this typical villain who's pissed off and wants to get this random revenge on somebody who slighted her once upon a time. That seems to be Anna's MO. And unfortunately, you start to lose sight of things. Now, Anna had Anna's strong point here is that she has very capable children, especially Cassandra. Now, it was very evident last season to me that Cassandra and her brother Damon, aka Riker, who is now in space, they didn't really have the stomach for destroying people. You know what I'm saying? They're only doing it to appease their mom. You can see she she pulls their heartstrings. She is telling them this is our legacy, this is your birthright. This woman stole your life from you. We're going to get her back. We're going to get her back by you two being educated and savvy and gorgeous, and you're going to slip in there, you're going to take over her business, and I'm going to make her life a living hell until I can't no more. It's petty. You feel me? It's petty to the point where once you conquer that, what else do you have to do? Nothing. On the other hand, Angela is a businesswoman first and a super villain last. Actually, let me take that back. She's a bad B first, a businesswoman second, and a super, super duper villain third. So at the top of the show, we get to see Pastor Pantydropper. I'm gonna be more respectful going forward. I don't know if is Christopher a father yet. I'm not really sure how that works. I have several Catholic friends, but I feel like there's this whole, if I recall right, there's definitely a lot of training. And then I guess eventually at some point you are called that. But I don't know if you're called that before. I don't know. He's wearing the he's wearing the cloth and he's wearing the the collar, so perhaps he is that. Let's just call him Father Christopher. He opens a show, punching a bag. I'm not gonna make I am gonna make fun of him. He's he's not a boxer, and that's okay. He is a fine actor. Christopher, who I called goofy last time, I'm not saying he's goofy this episode, but he is giddy. He is he's uh boyish, is what I'm seeing. He's super happy. It's almost as if it's almost as if he he didn't really know Angela, but it it feels to me like he has absorbed her into his mind as as a family member. She is a familiar face, she is someone who has um advised him, she's been a good person to him. She's everything you would want, like in a godmother or something. He he's very fond of her, you can tell. He wants to show her around the building, he wants to show the manimal, the Angela Channing Chow Hall, the wolf, the wolf, the cafeteria. She's like, Oh no, baby, I'm so sorry. I can't stay. We don't have time for that. So he's like, Okay, well, next time you're in town, you know, hit me up. It's so good to see you, Miss Angela. She says, So good to see you too, baby. I'll see you later. Well, she and the manimal go walking out to the car. She is wearing yellow. I mentioned that because Falcon Grass is doing this thing where everybody will wear the same sort of colorway in some form on each episode. So I guess the color of the day, like Sesame Street, is yellow for this episode. Anyway, she and the manimal are outside, and the manimal is really on my good side this season because he's more in his detective back, he's in his investigation era. He says, Okay, so let's let's look at this objectively, Angela. Christopher is Julia's Julia was hooking up with Anna's husband. Did Anna know about it? Angela's like, oh yeah, she definitely knew about it. He was gonna divorce her and everything. And the man almost like, you don't say. She's like, Yeah, man, he was gonna divorce her. So you just keep digging and and and see what see how we can parlay this into something in my favor. And he's like, Well, I mean, I don't know how we're gonna do this without exposing Christopher. Angela insists, Christopher must never ever know. She claims, in not so many words, she made that decision when he told her he wanted to be a priest. She made sure to set up everything so that could happen. She doesn't want him to step away from his vows, which doesn't really make sense because, like, how is having a mom stepping away from your vows? That's not the same thing. Anyway, she doesn't want Christopher to know, and she doesn't want Christopher to know because she doesn't want Julia to know. That's really the T. She doesn't want Julia to know, and she doesn't want Emma to know. She definitely doesn't want Lance to know. So I best Cassandra would know that her mom wasn't telling the full story. Although I guess Anna could very well be like, Well, I didn't know that. I had no idea. I just know that Angela turned off all the water, your dad burned the house, he was distraught for whatever reason. This to me, though, does a line up a whole lot better with Anna being outside. She definitely has something to do with this. I don't know if she set the fire. I'm not really sure because she would have no way of knowing he would die in it unless she was trying to kill everybody. I don't know. I really don't know, but I know she knows more than she's letting on. Also, Anna is a giant pain in the butt. She's getting on everybody's nerves, including Cassandra's. So once Angela is back at Falcon Crest, she is having a thought conversation in her own mind. I don't know why I explained that out. Like we don't know what thoughts are. She's thinking to herself, I've had enough of this crap. She decides what's gonna make her feel better is storming over to the house that Anna and Cassandra are staying on on her personal property. She's gonna go over there and she's gonna cuss this woman out. She's sick of them. So she's sauntering up to Anna's sleeping quarters, cuss her and her smoke inhalation baby out. When she stumbles upon a very telling and a very private conversation, albeit very loud, because Cassandra and Anna don't know that uh Angie was on her way over there to cuss them out, but she's ear hustling. So Cassandra is not trying to go brook, she is an ad exec, she is a successful ad exec, and she is successful because she understands that she does not need to, she needs investors, she's not going to foot the bill and bear the whole burden of something. She understands spreading that out a little bit. But Anna has champagne tastes on a beer budget. She wants a big girl. We're gonna make this this room needs to be bigger, this needs to be blah, blah, blah. Cassandra's like, Mama, ma, ma. We don't have that kind of money right now. We can't, we I'm not moving forward on this anymore. We need some investors. Her mom basically calls her wuss. But Cassandra's like, I mean, I'll be that, but I'm just not gonna be broke and a wuss. She decides she needs to leave the house, get some fresh air. I'm going for a drive. And her mom's like, run over Angela if you see her. I like this old broad. So anyway, Angela has just enough time to saunter off, but now. She's got a little bit more leverage. She knows that they're in a little bit of a pickle. Financially, at least. Meanwhile, at the Agretti Gardens, one thing you're not gonna do is keep a bad bee down. Especially not a bad bee who owns a vineyard and who knows how bad they are, who understands leverage and has the connections. Speaking of a baddie who owns a vineyard and has a few connections, Angela's younger version of herself, Mellie Mel, is fresh out the county quink. That's right, folks. Her eight-week sentence was uh reduced because she's been on such great behavior. Or probably somebody on the staff needed to go out, they were just tired of like having to keep an eye on her. Good behavior, you can go home. So, mind you, less than two months. Less than two months. Didn't I tell you Gaunty Joe is more like a resort? So Bellybelle saunders through her own home and discovers that her family, being Cole, baby Joseph, and Hood Rat Cousin Robin, are all out on the terrace having a beautiful little brackie. They look so cute, they so cute. She's obviously a little bit uncomfortable by this, but she is quickly comforted when her man looks over and sees her and leaps out of his chair. He runs and he hugs her. Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're home. What are you doing home? I'm out on bail or I'm fresh out of jail, good behavior or whatever. Baby Joseph is like, mommy, mommy. He jumps in her arm, gives her a big old squeeze. Cousin Robin is sitting there looking all disappointed. But you know what even is more disappointing? I don't know what the hell is going on with Robin. Everybody on the show is gorgeous. Robin has got to be the director's niece or something, IRL, because she has that. Do y'all remember glamour shots? Yeah, okay. Glamour shots, if you don't, were a thing where you could go to the mall usually, or they would send out a flyer in your town, and you'd meet at a hotel or whatever, there'd be this backdrop, and there's these props, and they do this sort of just just it's exactly what it sounds like. A glamour shot. Think toddlers and tieras, but not as good. And think of it with 80s hair. This she's giving mall glamour shots to me, right? She got the nerve to have attitude. Melissa also has an attitude. She's looking up and down, but she can't even think about that that long because baby Joseph, as he's squeezing her neck, mommy, mommy, why did you go to jail? And she's like, What? He goes, I knew you were doing a bit in county, but I don't know why you're doing a bit in county. What gifts? Are you on parole? Are the feds washing? Is my toy box tapped? He didn't say all that, but you know, indulge your girl here for a minute. So she's like, What the actual poll quickly steps in and he's like, Hey, buddy, uh, go upstairs and and and uh can you look over my taxes? He's like, Bet, I'm on it, Dad, I'm on it. So he goes upstairs to collect his atticus or whatever. And Melissa immediately turns to look at Robin. She's like, Dang, Robin is like that. Robin's like, oh, I'm sorry, my big old mouth. I didn't mean to say anything. No, she could feel in her spirit that Melissa was about to swing on her because she already got beat down once in the living room pregnant or not. So she makes sure to poke out her stomach and be like, the doctor says me and the baby are doing good. Melissa's like, all right, I'm I'm okay, okay, okay. I'm fresh out of jail. I'm on parole, so I'm not gonna do anything wild, but you do need to get out of my face. Robin's like, I really do. I'm so good with kids, kids. But I didn't mean to slip and tell him that you were in the clinic. My bad, girl, my bad. So she leaves, and immediately Melissa's like, so you know she's got to go, right? You know she's outworn her welcome at this point. That's strike two, Robin. I'm with bad girl Melly Mill. Cole ain't trying to hear that. She's our problem, and we're supposed to take care of her anyway. So later on that night, Cole and Melissa are in bed when baby Joseph starts wailing. He's had some sort of nightmare. So he runs to his father's room, which the door is already closed, which makes me think, okay, that's interesting. Kid has a decency to knock. They open the door. Melissa goes to to comfort him. Baby Joseph says, I want Robin. Here's the thing: I'm sure this is an oversight. It better be an oversight. But why would Joseph run to his daddy's closed door looking for Robin? Is there something going on here I need to know about? Because it kind of feels like it. It better not be. He's not giving the vibe like he likes Robin like that, but I'm saying though. Why would Joseph run to that room looking for Aunt Robin? He knows where Robin sleeps. He knows where Robin sleeps. Now, Robin, of course, is ear hustling from the hallway. She rushes in, talking about, oh, I'm so good with kids, and I'm so sorry, girl. Let me let me come on, Joseph. You want to sleep in my bed? This is strike three. This has gotten under Melissa's skin in the worst way. She's like, this whore must go. She must flee from me lest she be toppled or tossed over the staircase. I'm gonna crack Robin's egg if she keeps playing with me. Cole again, chastise her. She's our responsibility. We're gonna deal with it. It is time for Melissa to start flexing her money. Like, excuse me, sir, this is my house. Melissa Agretti, this is a Gretti Acres, this is my crib. You and Robin can get out. Melissa really is trying. So part of Millie Mill's probation is that she has to go to counseling and she also has to volunteer at this girl's home. She shows up in yellow at her parish to talk to her priest father, Bobby. Bobby's asking her questions, and um she's he can tell that she's she's basically holding back, she's not really talking. He asks about um how she's doing at home, everything's fine. Hey, your cousin Robin's here, and she's like, who? Huh? Yeah, yeah, your cousin. Isn't she pregnant? Isn't she here? I mean, I guess we're trying to help her out. She's very distant. Melissa is acting like Mariah Carey when anybody asks her about J-Lo. Like, I don't I don't know, I don't know who that is. Um side note that never gets old to me seeing that clip of Mariah Carey saying, you know, if I had the luxury of not singing my own music, I too could have eight hours of sleep. Mariah. Girl. Anyway, uh, Father Bobby is not buying the you don't know J Little bit. And he's also older. He's not old, but he is too old to be playing with this little girl. So he's much less patient and he has no inhibitions at all. Based on his line of work, I wouldn't imagine there isn't much he hasn't heard and not much he hasn't seen, considering he's everybody's priest. So he feels free to say what he needs to say because I mean, who's gonna check him? Who's gonna check me? He said, Melissa, listen, uh, I ain't got time for this, baby girl. I'm gonna get another priest who doesn't know the laundry list of sins you've committed regularly. I'm tired, baby girl. By the way, ain't nobody, and I mean, ain't nobody in this valley coming anywhere near close to your level of sin and debauchery. Melissa looks at him and she's like, Oh no. Stop. For real? I'm really the baddest. I swear to you. She almost takes it as a compliment, like, dang, I do be sinning. I am that shit. God, I'm the bad, I'm the worst. He's like, You're literally the worst. Nobody is coming close to you, baby girl. You're the even 30 yet. She's like, dang. I mean, I knew I was her, but wow, thank you. So, Melissa, we'll only discuss Robin in one context, and that's the she gots to go. Send her to the unwed mother camp conversation. That's all I'm here to talk about. She gotta get her things and she gotta roll on up out of here. This, of course, causes yet another fight with Cole. They was on the couch, oh, kissy, kissy, boo-boo. She's like, You know, Robin got to get up out of here, right? He once again, she's our responsibility. Melissa's like, I'm so sick of this. Cole, I know you see what she's doing. I know you see it. It's like, I don't see anything. I think you're overreacting. She's like, Okay, well, I'm gonna overreact to my cute little car. I'm gonna drive out. I'm leaving. So she storms out, she drives around the countryside, I suppose, and she comes back with a change of heart. Robin, in a hideous gown, comes downstairs as Melissa's like, you know what, uh, babe, I'm so sorry. She's talking to Cole. So sorry, I don't really want to fight. Robin, you can stay. I'm so sorry that I've been so rude to you. I really want to help you out going forward. She seems to be genuine. Cole steps up in this moment in a very big way in front of Robin, which I appreciated. He says, You know, Robin, even though you're staying here, I need you to understand something. Melissa is Cole's mother. Whatever she says, goes. No more going behind her back, giving Joseph what he wants. Because that was one of Melissa's grievances, is that if she told him no, he would just go to Robin and get whatever he wanted. And then Robin is playing the I'm pregnant with a baby, so you can't slap me across my face, even though you're not pregnant in your face. She's playing that card. So as long as there's no undermining of Melly Mel's bad girl authority in her own home, everything should be good. Okay, a little light housekeeping. Not much else goes on with Lance. He does come in at the crack of high noon for lunch. He sits down with Emma and Angela. They have a new study, they're not, no, they're no longer sitting in that really long table in that dark dining room. They're off in the corner somewhere. It's light, it's bright. It's much actually much better. It's much more practical for breakfast or lunch or dinner, even though they're still eating off of silver platters. Anyway, Angela is trying to make amends with with um Lance. I guess not make amends because they didn't really fall out. She wants him to get back to work. He he's a little bit reckless now that Lorraine is gone. She's concerned about him. She thinks maybe going back to work will give him something else to focus on. He says he didn't want to do it. Number one, you fired me. Number two, you made my life a living hell, and then you gave the job to Maggie. I'm not, I'm not going back and forth with you. Emma says, you know what, Lance, there's nothing wrong with the little responsibility. I sure would like some. Emma's new nose is a little bit distracting, even though it looks good, but she is coming off a little differently this season, too. She seems far more lucid, far more capable. I believe she was dropping a hint she would like to be the editor at the Globe, and I think she does a great job. Well, now that that's out of the way, uh, the Manimal stops by to give a little bit of tea. He's telling Angela, Well, you know, Anna and her daughter, Cassandra, are running low on money. She's like, Oh, baby, I already know I was ear hustling, so I already know that. What else you got? He says, Well, the only other thing is that Anna has been hospitalized several times over the last couple of years. Nobody really knows why, though. She keeps going in and out of the hospital. This is a very interesting point because when they introduced Anna, even though we didn't know her name, she was covered from head to toe. She was riding with these gloves on and such, which I'm starting to believe is a soap opera trope that they use until they cast whatever actor or actress they want. They just put a rando in a full head-to-toe costume, head-to-toe covering, excuse me. Think Alexis at the end of season one when she walks into the courtroom or somebody does. We don't know who it is, because she's got that Kate Winslit Titanic type hat. Church lady Easter Sunday hat. I wondered about that because Anna was definitely institutionalized. She wasn't in like a normal hospital. I thought she was covered with burns. That does not seem to be the case. So I don't really know what's going on. She does walk with a cane. Maybe she's the only person with the smoke inhalation. I don't know. Angel says, okay, that's cool. You keep working on that. I gotta go see a man about some business. And that's exactly what she does. She and Chow Lee head to San Francisco with her billionaire homeboy. But his personal assistant dude is acting all caddy. Okay, y'all. Full disclosure, I almost turned this show off right then and there at that exact moment. Not because I was offended, not because I was busy, but because I got scared. You know who I thought that was? I don't know what I'm gonna call this episode. This is the jet thought that was so-and-so episode. I thought it was the guy who hosted Unsolved Mysteries, who was by far the scariest person on network television ever. And I was afraid of the Crypt Keeper, but this man scared the dog mess out of me every time. I couldn't stand that. My mom loved that show. So he was on, he scared the crap out of me, and I thought, oh my god, that's him. I know that's him. It's not him. We were almost done with Falcon Crest today because of that. I turned back into an eight-year-old. I'm like, Jack, get your life together. It's not that deep. Apparently, Angela thinks the same thing. It's not quite that deep. This guy is giving up nothing. Call him a good assistant, call him a catty bratty little kid who needs to be put in his place. She's demanding to know where her Billy and her homeboy, I think Mr. Strabos, something like that is. And the kid's like, uh, no, I'm not giving you that information. She's like, you better give me information. Do you know who I am? My name is Angela Freaking Channing, aka Big Perm, aka the Merlot goddess of the valley. I am the owner of Falcon Cress. This fool was like, oh, that's tragic. Last year's Cabernet was disappointing. She's like, oh, you funny. Okay, okay. Angela is too old and way too rich to be waiting around for some personal assistant named Claude to get his life together. So she does the only reasonable thing a woman of her status and stature does. She educates Claude. She says, Claude, I think you need to understand the irreparable damage that I can do and will do to your reputation if you don't stop playing in my face. After all, I drop millions, millions of dollars in this here business, which helps fund your salary. So if I decide to start withholding that money and I reach out to my homeboy, my billionaire homeboy, Mr. Strabos, and I say, you know what? Claude sucks at life. Claude needs to go. He's very bad for your million billion dollar business. He's gonna listen to me, baby, because I got it like that. This is big anch. Big anch. Claude's like, dang, gosh. She then continues to say, I have been that bitch since before you could wipe your own behind. Since before you could brush your own teeth, little boy. You better get my friend over here now. Claude ain't really trying to lose his jaw plus. He is far too fly, he is far too educated and talented to be standing in the unemployment line. I can only imagine what that feels like in 1982. Can't just fill out a form you have to go stand on there. Or 1985, pardon me. He goes, okay, well, if you're looking for Mr. Stravos, Miss Channing, he is on a boat somewhere between California and Hawaii. Oh, thanks, Claude. Yeah. So that narrows it down to the Pacific Ocean. Great. Thank you. But I mean, that's me. Angela Channing has her resources. She's able to get a hold of him. I guess she sends a wire. I don't know what you do to somebody on the boat out there. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the disrespect for the day does not stop there when it comes to Miss Angela. She goes home to her study when her ungrateful nephew, the Aviator Donna, steals Melissa's harvest from right up under her. He does so by calling a meeting, asking Cassandra and Anna if he can have the agretti harvest for his new vineyard. Since they don't really care about wine anymore, this is about to be a resort. They're like, uh yeah, bet. You can have whatever you want, dude. Angel's like, this is egregious. This is a business. You can't just give away the harvest. He's like, Well, I mean, since y'all already said yes to that, I have all this sparkling wine that I made. Y'all think I can have that back? And they're like, nah, don't push it. Anna's like, don't, don't get greedy. You already have one victory. Take that. Angela's like, nah, no, give him that now. That you do need to get rid of. So as Cassandra and Anna leave, after saying yes to the grapes, but no to the wine, Angela turns to her precious nephew and she calmly tells him that this little stunt you just pulled is gonna cost you dearly. She says it in a way that lets you know she's not joking around. It's about to go down. Chase doesn't really give a damn. He didn't have to be associated with her anymore at this point. Like, what more what damage could she do at this point? So now we're getting to the good part. Maggie is at home. I suppose it's the next day because Chase comes downstairs in his full blue pajamas, button-up pajamas at that long sleeve, long legs, and a robe. And Maggie is sitting at the key the kitchen table, like she knows that she's that girl. She's got on a peach nighty. Chase comes downstairs to get a glass of milk. Has that ever worked for anyone? I feel like that is such a common thing on TV. If you need to have a conversation in the middle of the night, they go into the kitchen and pour themselves a glass of milk and they usually warm it up. That has never worked for me. I'm just curious. Hit me up in the text. Anyway, Maggie's been reading the papers all night and she's been reading about the accident. And there are two things that she wants to know. Number one, who is Richard Channing? And number two, what the heck was I doing in Richard Channing's house? This makes Chase a little bit uncomfortable, but he plays it off pretty well. He says, Well, Richard Channing is my half-brother. He's more half than brother. I think he went over there to give him his condolences. His stepdaughter just died. Despite Maggie having lost her memory, she hasn't lost any instincts, which I think is kind of interesting. She may not know who these people are, but she can kind of her body is still responding to the words he's saying, and she's paying way more attention to that. I had a friend when we were kids, trying to think of how old we were. Maybe around 11, something like that. Like, not little, little kids, but definitely like not full-grown teenagers anyway. Let's say between 11 and 13. I can't remember. She started having these seizures randomly, and they decided after several tests that it was it was brought on by stress and other stuff. And one particular seizure was a little rougher, and everybody was visiting her at the hospital, and she had a little bit of amnesia. So it's she could remember all of her friends. She knew who all of her friends were, she knew who her mom was, she knew who her sibling was, but she couldn't remember her dad. And then she couldn't remember like another cousin. Turns out these were people who had, I mean, not necessarily done anything, but that she had she didn't have a great relationship with them. And she later confessed, she's like, I didn't know who they were, but I knew I didn't like them. I think that's really interesting. I hadn't looked into much neuroscience behind that, but Maggie, it seems to it, this seems to be believable. She knows who these people are, or she doesn't, she doesn't know who they are, but she knows how she feels about them, which has gotta be one of the weirdest feelings ever. Okay, so one morning, Maggie is sitting out on her castle porch and she's typing away the typewriter in a you guessed it, bright yellow top. Big Ange stops by to introduce herself, and of course, she came by to start some ish. Hey baby. And Maggie's like, Hi, who are you? I'm your auntie Angela. I'm so, so glad that you look, you look good. I've always liked you so much, which is true. Oh man, I'm so glad you and Chase are working on things. Has Richard stopped by yet, girl? Now that that tingles Maggie's spidey scent again. She's like, no, he hasn't. Um, why? Angela plays a little bit dumb, but Maggie's like, please just tell me. I feel like everybody's tiptoeing around me. She goes, Well, I mean, no, nothing. I just, you know, you and Richard, y'all were y'all were very close. Maggie's like, very close. She's like, girl. Angela gives her that that kind of I don't want to say anything look. And Maggie's like, please, just don't be afraid. Um, you're not gonna break me. Just tell me. Angela's like, okay, well, you didn't hear from me. But word on the street is that you and Richard were pretty much having an affair. That's what I heard. I knew y'all was close, close. But I mean, I'm glad you and Chase are working it out. I'm glad everything's good. I'm glad you're typing and writing. You look good in that yellow girl. Bye. She leaves. She stirred the bottom, then she left. So Angela isn't the only elder who likes stirring up trouble this season, and I'm I'm on to that. I'm enjoying that quite a bit. Chase visits the cowboy lawyer guy, Mr. B. Riley Wicker Esquire, for some advice. He's not letting this champagne thing go. He's like, listen, sir, I made all this champagne and now they're gonna turn it into a resort, but they won't give me back my champagne. What should I do? Mr. Wicker Esquire has had a little bit of a history with Cassandra. He don't really like her that much. He said, Listen, if I was you, I'd get me a U-Haul truck. I'd hire five or six dudes who can do heavy lifting. I'd go right up to that vineyard and I'd just steal it. That's what I would do. This is a lawyer. This is his advice. I messed with this guy already. I like him. I like him, but somebody definitely does not like Richard. Somebody is more than content to keep trying to off this guy, right? Tries to run him off the road. Richard's leaving the vineyard, his bodyguard's like, yeah, get in this car, I'll get in the other one. So they have like two limousines. Richard and not Marla Maples get into one limousine, the bodyguard and the other one get in the other. Somebody tries to run them off the road, but I got caught up in the atmosphere a little bit too much because this road looks exactly like the one on the yellow rose, where gosh, I can't remember what somebody fell down a mountain or something and they were blocking off. Anyway, it was on the yellow rose, and it's also the same road they use in Dallas on one episode where Ray Krebs decides he's gonna drive to Odessa from Dallas, which baby, I guarantee you don't look nothing like that. He drives and he goes to a little ranch in Odessa, but it looks very much like this this scenery. So this is probably just a really hot spot everybody uses, doesn't matter what state it's supposed to represent. Somebody almost ruins Richard off the road in a black, murdered-out OJ Bronco. I'm so glad they brought those cars back. I used to love that car. I know it's tainted, but you know what I'm saying. It was a sturdy automobile. The new ones are a little too small for me, but I still like them. Fortunately, it's in the 80s, so it still has a really good reputation. And fortunately for Richard, because it's the 80s, there's plenty of land yachts. It's hard to run an all-metal school bus link limo off the side of the road. It's very hard. Even if you have an all-metal kidnapping van size Bronco to do so. Whoever tries to run him off the road is unsuccessful. They do get the bodyguarding them off. But then by the time they get to Richard, somebody on a tractor cuts them off. So they they can't finish the job. I swear that is like 97% of Richard's storyline. Who's trying to kill you this season? What ties does he even have at this point? Unless there's uh cartel residue left over, or his leather pants pan, which I happen to believe it is, who else would care at this point? What does he have? He's running out of money, he ain't got no kids. Maybe it's his ex- Oh, ooh, maybe it's his ex-wife, Lorraine's mom. I like that. I like that. Whoever tried to kill him was not successful. Meanwhile, back at Falcon Crest, Angie is in her study with the manimal when Chow Lee announces a guest. Father Bobby. Father Bobby waltz in with none other than Father Christopher past panty droppers. Angela almost vomits and faints. And she's like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. What are you doing here? Now Father Bobby is none the wiser about who Christopher is. He is so relieved that there's a new priest who can take over Melissa and her laundry list of sins that he ain't got to deal with it. He's like, Oh my gosh, I can't even tell you how pumped I was. I was calling around looking for priests who want to, you know, come to this parish. Christopher ends up calling me. I guess he was looking for somewhere to go. Bada bing. He knows you. He was willing to come out here. He flew from the East Coast. Oh my gosh, I'm so grateful. And she's like, oh my god, yeah, that's that is fantastic. Once they leave, Angela crumbles. I mean, as much as she's gonna crumble, she's emotionally unaware, so she snaps at the manimal. She's like, What the F-bird boy? Do something, morph into a lion or something and eat him. What are you doing? The manimal asked the wrong question. He is not reading the room, he does not understand how pissed off she is. He was like, Well, why didn't you just tell Father Bobby who he was? She's like, She's like, fool, because he wasn't here and it's none of his business. Didn't I tell you I didn't tell nobody? Damn, I'm one of the oldest people in the valley that I didn't kill off. I mean, nobody knows. Julia doesn't know, Christopher don't know, Lance doesn't know, Emma doesn't know. The only priest I told was 900 years old, and that's the only reason I told him. Damn. Also, Father Bobby does not work on the East Coast, so why would he know that? Manholds just pissing people off today, I guess. He just or maybe he's hungry, maybe he has low blood sugar, I don't care. Okay, I will say this Christopher is growing on me. I maintained my original opinion that they had him looking goofy in that last shot. He just seems giddy this this time. He's just like really, really happy to be there. He is very cute, especially from the side. But he does come off as goofy, and I and I realize why he comes off goofy in contrast to the rest of the cast because nobody else on the show smiles and has fun. Literally. Emma kind of smirks every now and again, but everybody is so serious. So anybody being jovial or happy in any way is gonna stand out. You go, you you seem a little over the top compared to the rest of the cast. Speaking of over the top, well, I don't know. I'll let you be the judge of that. I didn't really get into Cole and Chase, but it feels like Cole is he's questioning the whole Connie Giannini thing and why his mom and his dad were on the ounce. Chase isn't being super direct, but he's also not really lying. He's just sort of he's not omitting the truth, but it he's not stringing the story along in a way that would bring you to the proper conclusion. He's like, Well, I don't know. Your mom saw Connie and she got upset. And Cole's like, uh, that seems a little extreme. Like, why did she get upset? Nobody gets up upset because somebody was embracing. That's what Chase told him when I guess we hugged or something. He he makes it sound really innocent. So it's very clear that he didn't say anything like this to Maggie. She was none the wiser that they were on the outs. She just thought she felt uncomfortable around him because of her amnesia, not because she was really pissed off at him. So after Angela stops by the house, stirs the pot and then leaves, Maggie is sitting there in her yellow, trying to make a decision. Okay, what do I need to do? For her. She's heard the name Richard Channing more times than a little bit. It's time she goes to visit this man face to face. So at the end of this episode, Cole and Chase are coming into the castle house. They're just having a real casual conversation. They walk past the dining room table where we, the audience, see this empty wine glass or champagne flute, I can't remember. Slowly, Chase turns around and goes back to it because he realizes that underneath the glass is a letter. It is from Maggie, basically telling him she's out. She's gone. She kicked rocks. Not bad. Episode two is doing what it needs to do. I do like the speed of this season a little bit more. I'm chalking up to them just being comfortable, probably. By this point, you know who you are, you know who your audience is for real. You know how they react to you going off script a little bit. And I think uh this this feels like the ugly duckling turning into the swan, even though they were never an ugly duckling. This is a makeover, this is a glow-up, even though they didn't really need it, but it's hitting all the right notes we got. A new lawyer coming in out of nowhere. I like that. That's got to be a little bit of a contrast between she and the mammal point. Aunt Terry seems to be moving on. I'm sure her and the renegade will get it in a few more times, and then we gotta bring something a little more special to her because she's been the hooker, she's been the wife, she's been manipulated for being the hooker and the wife. Let's let's do something new, let's do a new thing. Bad girl Melly Mel is struggling to be a good wife and not strangle her cousin. There's also no way in my mind that Robin is gonna give up this baby easy peasy. There's zero chance. Maggie's walking around with amnesia, putting two and two together to see if it equals four. Chase is being a little bit of a dirtbag. It's a good look for him. I'm not mad at it. And most importantly, Angela has a nemesis who also has a secret that she kept from her child. This is good. This is someone who's probably a little, she's not quite. I'm not saying that Anna is on Angela's level, but I am saying that they are both in a position to lose something. To piss people off. Although, as I'm saying this out loud, it seems like Anna has more to lose because her children believe everything she says. As were Angela's children, I already know she's trifling. Her grandkids know it too. So, I mean, if you do one more trifling thing, I mean, okay, cool. All she's gonna do is kick you in and out of the wheel 15 times. Who cares? Lance even said that this episode. She when Angela tried to woo him back to the globe, she told him he could have his inheritance back. He is the heir to Falcon Grads. And he's like, I don't even want this place anymore. You can absolutely keep it. You've given it to me, you've taken it away more times in a little bit. I'm really not concerned. Plus, he's about to pop off in his action career. Alright, guys, that's it. That's all. Thank you so much for joining me for yet another exquisite, excellent hour and change spent watching vintage primetime soap operas. Join me next time as we jump back into another vintage episode of Primetime Debacy. I think it's gonna be Dallas. I feel like I started that and then this weird delivery came to the door. It wasn't mine. I had to return it. Anyway, I think it'll be Dallas. If not, it'll be one of the others. It'll be fantastic. I'm so sure. In the meantime, in between time, if you give a baby up, make sure, send them overseas. Sending them to the opposite coast clearly will not work in your favor because your daughter's baby daddy's ex-wife is gonna come through with a vengeance 30 plus years later. You don't need them kind of problems. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business, and keep all of your drama on TV.