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S5 Ep5 Falcon Crest : Ingress and Egress - The “Pleased To Meet You, Still Won’t Tell You My Name, Don’t You Believe In Mystery, Don’t Cha Wanna Play My Game” Episode

• Jett Shae • Episode 335

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Fire changes everything, but not Angela’s aim. A late-night inferno tears through Falcon Crest and exposes the season’s real fuel: truth withheld, loyalties tested, and the hard pivot from vengeance to reckoning. We walk through the smoke to find Cassandra reeling from the realization that her mother engineered the very tragedy that shaped her life, while Angela, unruffled and unburned, rearranges the chessboard with practiced grace and a surprising ally. From there, the heart takes its bruises. Maggie’s amnesia sets the stage for a tender second chance with Chase, until a single line from Angela cracks the illusion. Connie Giannini returns—with a master of champagne and unfinished business—forcing Maggie to confront a betrayal she can’t remember but must still carry. It’s a brutal, intimate question: can love survive without the truth, or does silence scorch the roots? We also follow Christopher on a rare path of healing as he meets Julia and claims a piece of himself that power can’t touch. His poolside conversation with Melissa hums with tension, yet he holds the line, reminding us that desire without discipline is just another fire. Meanwhile, Peter plays both sides, only to deliver Falcon Crest back into Angela’s orbit, and Lance stumbles into Apollonia’s world of hustles and auditions, proving that new dreams can appear where the night is loudest. Just when we catch our breath, Leather Pants Pam returns with a new face and old leverage, and Richard realizes the past keeps receipts. If you love vintage soap stakes—arson, amnesia, secret heirs, and ruthless elegance—this one’s a feast. Listen, share with a fellow Falcon Crest fan, and tell us: who actually held the power after the flames? Subscribe, leave a quick review, and drop your hot take.

SPEAKER_00:

Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls, welcome or welcome back to Soap4. I'm your host, Jeff U and reviewing the Soapia Sebus Primetime Storyline of 1985. We are on the West Coast, still doing absolute most of our second speech of the double sweep of Half-Moot Well. So whether you're new to this or true to this, get back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or out of sight. Hope they have no questions, suggestions, or concerns for the next 25 to 45 minutes. Everyone else in the airshop can cool, be quiet, or you can pull out. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is Go4. Hello board. Welcome and welcome back to another five-fold edition of Stop 4. Well, I am feeling my stuff. I hope the sound quality is better than the last couple of episodes. The girl is trying her best, and I'm back on a better mic. So let me know how this feels, how it sounds on your ear holes, in your eardrums. Pardon me for putting that such a weird way, but you know what it is and where it is. Yo, we gotta get back to Falcon Crest because uh Anna might be a little bit cuckoo. But before we do, go ahead and pour yourself up something bubbly and bright. I'm gonna do the same crack open this high-class can of mingle that I got at the Torger. Cranberry Cosmo. I hope it is delightful. I actually don't know if I should be drinking this. This can is all sorts of warped. You can't get botulism from anything carbonated, right? It should be fine. Settle in as we enjoy season five, episode five of Falcon Crest, Ingress and Eagle. Before we get into this iconic episode, we got a little fan mail. I want to welcome a very special Falcon Fiend to the Soap Lore family. Hello, Jet. I discovered your podcast a few months ago on the lookout for Falcon Crest stuff. I did watch all the series you cover, but Falcon Crest was always my favorite and holds a special place in my heart. Not sure if you've seen the entire series, so I will hold off on saying why it's my fave. I really love your Falcon Crest episodes. I started with the shows from the end of season four. How awesome is the Avenging Angel? That's one of my favorite episodes of the series, and I've been listening since. I've decided to rewatch the series from the beginning, thanks to you. It's been a while since I've seen it from the beginning. Then I'll check out your episodes. I love your monikers for everyone, but Leather Pants Pam is so damn special. I can't look at Sarah Douglas anymore without thinking that. Laugh out loud. Thanks. I wish I could say more. I'm not good at this sort of thing. But again, I really love your take on Falcon Crest. Thank you for doing these. I'm so glad I found Soaplore. Regards, Crazy Mary T. Mary, welcome to the Family Girl. I'm glad that you enjoy it too. We had a very fun exchange, and she did give me a little bit more insight. So let me jump down just because I thought this was so special. She says, So I'm older than you, so I've seen it live from season three. My mom allowed me to stay up later on Fridays, and season three had Cliff Robertson as Michael, who was part of my crushes on older men, even as a teenager. I'm also mad that Emma didn't get to be with Michael. She had such a hard time in the love department. I went and started re-watching the series from season one. Normally, I usually watch from the see this the finale of season four to the middle of season seven. Those are my fave. What's a T. She says, Richard is my favorite character. I was so happy when he joined the show. Maggie is also my favorite. That kiss with them and the Avenging Angels really made me think of them so differently. But as I watch and re-watch, I find that I'm liking other characters more and more. Emma Lance and Melissa, and some of the others you haven't met yet. I told you I liked your take on everyone. And again, after listening to the first episodes you did on Falcon Crest, I'm having a lot of fun. Here's some facts about the earlier seasons. Forgive me if I'm repeating anything you already know. I just love spreading my useless knowledge. Let me tell you something, Mary. This isn't useless to me. I am a new fan. This is a new favorite. Well, newish. I guess I've been listening, I've been watching for a few years at this point, but I really am enjoying being at this juncture because now I can find out things about people and it just adds something. Especially with Falcon Crest, because the more I watch the show, the more I just know behind the scenes they were cutting up. I just know it. Okay, so the show was originally called The Vintage Years. The pilot was filmed with different actors as Chase, Maggie, and Richard. The character was in the pilot. Okay, I guess you're saying that the characters in the pilot were different, but it was Chase, Maggie, and Richard. Jane Wyman wore a gray perm wig in that version. I think there's stuff about it on YouTube. If you look closely at Lance, whenever he's shirtless, you can see the faintest shadow of tattoos on his right bicep and right shoulder blade. Jane Wyman wasn't a fan of them, hence the covering. In season two, Emma was on the run because Margaret Ladd was Brago. I want to say she had twins. Oh my goodness. I'm trying to remember season two a little bit more. Season two is when we're introduced to Richard, right? So Richard comes in and You know, I guess she did have a lot of big purses. I'm gonna have to go back and watch this. There's been a few times where I thought other people on the show were pregnant and they just happen to have bigger costumes. So I might step back in and just sort of look at that to see what it is. But thank you. I love it when you guys share your knowledge. I especially love the part about your mom allowing you to stay up on a Friday. I love it. You had stories as a kid, and I think that is adorable. All right, guys, let's go ahead and jump into this episode. Shook it from the very beginning. If you want to share some behind-the-scenes lore, some tidbits, maybe you met a couple of these people, let your girl know. You can reach out to me in the show notes if you're listening to this on your mobile device. You'll find a link that says send us a text. You can send that. I can read them. I won't be able to text you back, but I will always, always, always acknowledge you guys. Or if you got a little more time and you want to drop a line the new old-fashioned way, you can send me an email at soaplore podcast at gmail.com. That's S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at gmail.com. Okay, they are ja jawing up the titles a little bit more, and I am here for it. Ingress and egress. Ingress means right or act of entering, while egress means right or act of exiting. So who is coming and who is going? Well, you better hope it's our girl Angie. Who at the top of the show. Can I just say I don't think we've met a worthier opponent, an opponent more worthy of the great Angela Permrod goddess Channing's time, than her old school almost neighbor, almost ex-stepmother to her would-be grandson, who is now a pastor, who drops panties. Actually, he's a priest. Hannah has come through, and she's come through swinging. Angela's mouth was a little bit too slick when last we left. Let me refresh her memory. Angela called Christopher over. She also called Cassandra and her mama Anna over to drop the biggest bomb she could find. Anna, you set your own house on fire. Anna, you killed your own husband, and you did it because my oldest daughter stole him right from underneath your nose. Anna, of course, denies, denies, denies, as one would do. Then Christopher opens his mouth and says, uh, by the way, I am the baby between your husband and Angela Channing's baddie oldest daughter. And uh, hey, nice to meet you. What's up, Cassandra? I'm your brother. Cassandra looks like she wants to vomit and pass out all at the same time. Anna wants everybody to shut the hell up. Cassandra, get up. Get up. Well, you don't let that go. You know, it's one thing to make a dramatic exit. It's one thing to cuss somebody out after making a dra before making a dramatic exit. She didn't actually get to do that. So perhaps she went home and she started to think to herself, like, okay, you want to call me a fire starter? Bet. Let me show, let me see if I still got it. Sure enough, she finds a can of gas and a book of matches, and she makes magic happen. She turns Falcon Crest into the newest. Falconcrest may or may not become one of the swankiest resorts on the West Coast, but it will be a barbecue within the next 15-20 minutes. She lights that aflame, stands back, admires her handiworks, and casually walks home. Now, when she gets back to the cottage, which is by the way, still on Falcon Crest property, Cassandra looks like she's about 15 drinks in. She is not doing well. She's she's in a bad way. She's trying to put two and two together. Can you imagine the absolute devastation of knowing that you built your entire life, your entire image? You even built a fake image for this moment. For the moment you buy a piece of property and destroy it while another woman watches, only to find out that your mama, who you've always known as a little bit off, set the whole thing up herself. What do you do? This woman is at least 30 years old. She's dedicated her entire life to revenge. Now the revenge needs to happen to her mama. What do you do? She wants to talk. She wants to be sensible, she wants to be reasonable, but Anna, God bless an unself-aware villain. Anna is not in the business of having conversations with traitors. How dare you pick that? How dare you pick that whole side over me, Anna? Excuse me, Cassandra. I saw the way you was believing everything Angela Channing said. You really think you think I do that to you? You think I did that to my husband? You a traitor. I guess if you're gonna gaslight, you gotta do it the right way, right? I sure hope this is loud enough. I'm not really sure where to put my mic. I'll just go back in and post. Anna's plan to barbecue Angela goes pretty well for about 10 minutes. She didn't really think of everything. You know what I mean? This was a spur of the moment decision. It is what it is. She's probably thinking, I've already been in and out of an insane asylum. That's the lit that's all they're gonna do is put me back in there. Let me just go and do the what I gotta do. What she didn't count on though is the fact that Angela's best friend and I think boyfriend, Chow Lee, and her grandson Lance are kung fu experts. So Lance, thank God, decided to cut his bender short. He pulls up to the house and it is all flambe. He's like, oh no, not a lot of emotion. We're doing a little bit of regressing in the acting department, but we're gonna let it slide, okay? Lance immediately runs upstairs, knocks on Emma's door. Emma, Emma, Emma has no survival instincts. I think she's back on her medication. I feel like whimsical, totally off the meds. Emma would have figured out a way to slinky dink down the roof. She probably has a some sort of apparatus in her closet that she pulls out from time to time to bungee from rooftop to rooftop. She seemed like that type of person to me. But baby, on this episode, she is heavily medicated. She don't know what she's doing. She's spinning around in the hallway. Lance's like, go down, girl, gone. Get outside. So she starts running. Chow Lee's looking for the fire extinguisher. Lance kicks a door down, goes into his grandmother's room, calm as you will, picks her up, takes her down the hallway. Chow Lee is trying to put the fire out best he can with this little bitty one tank of fire retardant spray, makes it downstairs. Emma's spinning around. She can't figure out why the phone's not working well. Meanwhile, at Cassandra's crib, she's still trying to confront her mother and a piece of wire. Some wire cutters hit the ground real loud. She picks up and she says, Mother, what is this? Don't worry about what it is. Cassandra knows her mother. God, she's done something. She comes running out of the house. She goes running. She can see the flames of Falcon crashes. She's like, oh my God, this woman. The headache. Anna has been out of the hospital or wherever she's been for 14 days and she has wreaked havoc on this poor girl's life. So Lance brings out Angela permrock goddess and she must be completely knocked out because she ain't saying a word. Okay. Emma's there, the ambulance is there. Anna comes stepping outside to make sure she wants to get a second look at her handiwork. She's observing the atmosphere with just pride. She looks so proud of herself. Like, God dang, I'm still that ish. I'm still that girl. They used to call me a whopper because I keep it flame boiled. And the chick ain't lost nothing over these years. She looks, and much to her chagrin, she sees an unconscious but not dead Angela Channing. Not even burnt up. She's upset. Angela starts to stir. And the first thing she says is, making all that damn noise. Somebody turn off that siren. Lance is like, oh yeah, she good, she good. She don't even need to go to the hospital. But you know what? Lines are crossed at this point. It's gone down. The next scene seems to be the following morning. I suppose everyone stood outside all night. If you're watching this with me, we're about at the, let's say, the five minute and 30-second mark. I need you to watch this. Not for Cassandra, not for her mother. Not just because there is quite literally a brand new sheriff in town. Not that loser who had the surgery who's really crappy at his job. We got a brunette batty who is putting pieces of the puzzle together and quickly deducing that somebody, amen, not Angela, started this fire. Probably the woman dressed in all black with gloves on who is just gleefully admiring the charred frame of this historic home. If you, if you can, just for a second, don't pay attention to them. Sometimes the extras in the back give it all they got. They're dancing extra hard at the disco. They're doing all the fake surgeries. They're playing the fake instruments. The firemen on this episode are doing amazing. Really running around. You really think they're doing something? There's this random woman standing in a pink blouse and a purple jacket, hands in her pocket. There are three or four school-aged children in bright colors standing with their hands in their pocket, looking like children of the corn. Where did y'all come from? Falcon Crest is private property. Why are the locals breathing down her neck? Angela's on her porch in her nightgown. Thank God she has a dry perm. I think about this often because if that Jerry Curl juice had hit even half a spark, it would have been over for her. But I say that to say Angela Channing is not one to be seen in her pajamas on her front porch. I don't know who these weirdo kids are, but they're standing behind. Cassandra, as the police come up, because they quickly found the lighter fluid and the matches. And Anna is still going on and on about how beautiful the resort is going to be. Sheriff, who looks oddly like Weird Wayne from Nod's Landing, takes her by her shoulders and he's like, Hey, you want to go for a ride? She's like, sure. Angela Channing must have been smoking cigarettes in bed. That happens a lot, you know. All right, baby. All right, mama. Come on and get in this car. Before we get any deeper into the show, I have to just as I've said it a million times. I gotta say it a million and one. Falcon Crest put that ish on. They are dressed to the nines. I promise you, I loved everyone's outfit. Well, okay, as I say that. Almost everyone's outfit. They seem to be pushing the color yellow super duper duper hard this season. And it's not that that's necessarily noteworthy if it's like a yellow t-shirt, a pair, you know, some yellow pants, but they got the girls looking like pageant queens, big hair, big yellow, big bird, big Ronald McDonald, big whoever. It's a little clownish, it's a little kooky, but I'm here for it. I don't know why Falconcrest insists on doing pageant hair for all of the baddies in the bad girls club specifically, but it doesn't take away from this fantastic fashion. Never in my years of living did I, Jet Shea, think I would be admiring clothes from the 80s. I don't know what it is about Falconcrest. It's these people are clearly wealthy, right? But it's not over-the-top glamour as on Dynasty, which I love too, by the way. It's just rich enough to be attainable. Maybe you don't have the Givenchy, but maybe you can get the Kmart special and spray a little static cling or something on it to make it look a little less cheap. I don't know. Or what's that? That Scots Guard crap? Something like that. I don't know who the costume designer is. I'm gonna have to go back and look, but everybody looked fantastic. Melissa's even wearing this dress that kind of looks like wrapping paper at some point, and she's so cute. Okay, I'm trying to decide who we need to talk about. I think we need to talk about Maggie and Chase. So you remember on the last episode, she didn't necessarily get her memory back, but she started to believe that she was once in love with this man. Well, she's at the house, she's a little bit lonely. Memory or not, she's still a full-grown woman. By episodes in, she returns to his arms and his bed. Now here's a funny thing about Chase. It is no secret that I think he is one of the baddest baddies there is on 80s primetime. Period, point blank, as a good-looking man. I love his commitment to wearing aviator shades at all time. I love the fact that he keeps his perm fluffed and fresh at all times. But I also love the fact that he ignores the first five to six buttons on his shirt every single time. Chesticles out. He don't put no baby lotion, no Vaseline, nothing on him. He just like he goes all natural. Unless he's asleep. This man has the most buttoned up of all buttoned up. Think about it. Every time you see him in bed or coming down to the kitchen to look at somebody out the side of his eye because he don't appreciate them being in his house at whatever hour, this man is in a full robe and full buttoned-up pajamas. Now you would think a man that proud of his chesticles would have them out for the world to see, especially at night, especially in the privacy of his own home. So this poses a question, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Is Chase thoughty? No judgment, okay? But do you think Chase likes attention? Is he a himbo? Just a little bit. I don't know. I don't know if they ever address it on this show, but I think if ever there's a reboot, we need to know why he needs to have his chest exposed at all times outside. But inside, he's covered up. I don't know. Maybe the AC is only 65. I don't know. But I do know that he and Maggie had a very passionate night, at least on one of their parts. So we see them in bed, and Maggie is on her side. Watching Chase talking about she's making new memories, just enjoying his profile. And he's like, Oh, we made some new memories last night. He's like, So I'm wondering, oh you know, maybe I don't know. I I don't want to speculate, but she she can't really get into it because she's like, I kind of feel dirty. I feel I feel a little promiscuous. He's like, Lady, you're married. Lady, not only are you married, you got a whole grandbaby who is no longer calling you by your full government name, Margaret. But Margaret feels away. She says, I just I mean, I just feel like a fallen woman. I have never heard that term. So I'm assuming that is a 50s word for a whore. Chase says, but I have a remedy for that, darling. Why don't I ask you to marry me again? And then that way you'll be a married woman and we can continue to not fornicate in this marital bed. She says, you know what? That sounds like a plan. Enter Aunt Terry in her Chiquita Banana Realness era. She's she still got the honey boo-boo, toddler and tier hair, but now she's got this off-the-shoulder bright yellow dress. Not hideous, like I'm saying, but it is it's very noticeable. Terry is planning this wedding. Girl, who do you want to come? Who do you not want to come? Oh, dang, you don't remember nobody. So it's not like it matters anyway. Don't worry about anything. I'm gonna take care of it. You're gonna look so good, girl. We're about to have a party. I think Terry's a little bit bored. She's in a very big mansion, all by her lonesome. Quick aside, since Terry married cousin Michael, I wonder if what was his whole purpose of being on the show. I he is an attractive man. I I very much thought he was good looking. I need to go look up his name because I want to see what he looked like when he was really young. But I could see him being a good-looking man. Him leaving her as his widow. I sometimes it feels like they only brought him in to be sort of the voice of reason for Chase in a lot of ways. And I suppose he needed to perform on my on um Maggie with the first cryogenic brain tumor laser thing. But I often think, how quickly could they have gotten rid of Terry? Or or what where else what could have happened? If Terry had not become a quote unquote honest woman, what would have become of her? I feel like they could have really, really played with Terry. And you know, the night is young. This is only season five. I don't know how long she's gonna be on here, but I mean, she's already been on here three seasons. A lot of it to me seems like she's only on the show for sex appeal, but I could be wrong. Love to know what you guys think about that. Anyway, let's get to the actual wedding. So the wedding is a garden party, seems like the entire freaking town has been invited. They're all having a wonderful time. And Maggie decides she's not gonna wear white, she's gonna wear gray, which I respect. Wear whatever color you want to celebrate your day. It is a good time. Here's the thing, though. When someone has amnesia, it is only a matter of time before you know if their memories are gonna come back or is it gonna hit them all at once, or is it gonna trickle in? On a soap opera, it seems to trickle in and then boom, there's like this major memory that happens. And hopefully you've got all your ducks in a row before that. Here's the thing with Chase. Chase is not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You can sort of look at this and say, you know what? It was a one-off with Connie. It was just one kiss, it was no big deal. But he knows that's the thing that happened. So part of me is thinking, he's like, let me just go ahead and lock this down one more time before she wakes up and remember I ain't ish. That way she would have already re-fallen in love with me. And maybe, maybe I can lie and say it was just maybe you bumped your head too hard, girl. That never happened. But he doesn't get a chance to do much because you know who? Angela perm rod goddess shows up. No smoke inhalation damage, no char on her face. She don't smell like Burger King at all. She smells like money and trouble. So she makes a beeline to the bride. She says, Maggie Maggie, my favorite plaine's. I'm so proud of you. You are such an inspiration to all wives. The way you're able to turn a blind eye and just forgive everything. I really admire that. You're an example to all of us. Maggie's doing that weird laugh where she's not quite sure what to say. Okay, huh? Well, what do you what do you mean? Oh, well, Chase's affair with Connie Giannini. You don't remember? Yeah, girl. I think it is so impressive that you and Chase can get married even after he and Connie Giannini had an affair. No sooner than she gets the word out of her mouth, the aviator Adonis comes floating up, looking like a whole snack. And Maggie's like, oh, word, okay, that's what we're doing. She immediately takes off running. Chase is like, what did you say to her? She's like, you know, I ain't saying that nephew. I'm gonna go get it to go blade. Bye. Oh my goodness, I forgot a really important part. Richard also shows up, I guess, to be kind. It's his brother, and you know, whatever. He goes to congratulate Maggie. This is all before Angela, by the way. He goes over to congratulate Maggie and he's like, you know, I mean, if you ever change your mind, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying, Richard. Is this what you're saying? Although I'm not as gleeful as I was when the kiss originally happened, I still am not mad at that possible combination. Especially if she doesn't get her memory back anytime soon. I think it makes a lot of sense. And based on the rest of this episode, maybe she might just be on her way. Also at the wedding, or would be a wedding. Cousin Baskin Robbins is bibity bobbity-booing around the champagne, even though she's pregnant. But I gotta get over this. Millennial mothers drink. It is what it is. No, no, no, excuse me. Millennials mothers drink, not millennial moms now, while they're pregnant. At least I don't think so. Anyway, she slinkadinks over to Lance. She says, Hi. You know what this mother lovers say with a straight face? Well, now yeah, hopefully soon. Lorenzo. Now, based on what this man said, I'll still say allegedly, allegedly, but based on what this man said, he got up high pretty regularly on the show. I wonder if he was high when he said that, but he he's working on it. I'm not high yet, but you know, you know what I'm saying? Okay, that's cute. Thanks, Lance. Emma also tells Maggie, I'm so jealous. You're getting married for the second time. I can't even get married the first time. I'd be forgetting that sometimes. Emma didn't have any children. She can't pick the right man, but I mean nobody does on a soap opera, right? I hope at some point she either turns heel or gets herself a real baddie. I kind of thought, I know this is horrible, but I kind of thought her and the Naughty kid would have made a good enough couple had he stuck around. Had Riker not gotten Star Trek, it might have been a whole nother situation. But let's stop teasing her. What's the point of bringing them in, bringing them out? Also, I want her back off of her meds. I'm not a fan of On the Meds Emma. Speaking of Red Robin, yum. She's gas to go. Cole and Melissa decided that it's best for their marriage and their home. Robin no longer flutter about the house. Robin is all packed and ready to leave while Melissa and Cole are in a warm embrace at the foot of the stairs. Melissa feels a little bit bad for having to give her the boot and runs up the stairs offering to help carry Robin's bags. Only Robin is acting like Melissa is running up to attack her. She's like, no, no, no. Next thing you know, she's down the steps. I'm not proud of the fact that I laughed. However, I'm also not ashamed. But the weirdest part of that scene is that my mind immediately went to Death Becomes Her. Yeah, Meryl Streep, fresh back from the youth serum appointment, trips and falls all the way down the steps, fine, all discombobulated or whatever. And that made me laugh even harder. And then I think about that scene where Meryl Streep says to Goldie Han, You're a lie, you're a cheat, and I see right through you. She bends over, she sees through the hole in her stomach. And then I cackled. And then I said, Jet, get yourself together. This pregnant woman just fell down. Seems to me like that was a plan. The doctor comes by and he says, Everything is Gucci and Gold and you'll be fine. You just need to rest up for a couple of days. That girl Melly Mill feels really bad that her cousin flipped and followed all the way down the stairs. And she tells her as much. Robin, I'm so sorry, girl. Um, I hate that this happened to you. Robin says, likely story. You can't wait to get rid of me. But guess what? Now I can't leave. You remember the doctor said that I'm hurt and I gotta stay in bed. I gotta stay here. I can't leave. I can't go to my own apartment. I have to stay here now. I'm gonna need a real pregnancy test at some point because that California raisin pillow of a belly bump, baby bump, disappears all the time. So let's talk about Badgirl Melly Mel. She actually was remorseful. She felt bad that her cousin fell down the steps, but she's got her own business to attend to this episode. I'm happy to report that Christopher and his baby brother Lance, double mint twins, two scoops of extra fine straight from the loins of Miss Julia Thompson, the wine scientist cuckoo mass murderer. He's embracing the fact that he has a little bit of a family now, but it's not quite complete if he doesn't know who his mom but who she is. It's Pastor Pantydropper tells Big Perm that he wants to meet his mom. It is high time that this happened. She's immediately like, now come on now. You don't why who needs a mom? You don't need a mom, you have a grandma, you have a little brother, you have a sister. What do you need with the mother? Angela's trying her best to stay off of Julia's bad side, and this definitely ain't gonna work. Eventually she relents because it is the right thing to do. So, Father Christopher knows he's going to go meet his mom. In order to do that, he's gonna need to leave the valley for a few days, maybe even a week or so. So, what does he have to do? He has to tell his favorite new client, bad girl Melly Mel, fresh out of jail, not on bail no more, definitely on parole. He decides to drop by and tell her the news in person rather than do it over the phone only. When he shows up, Doris, the housemaid, leads him to the backyard where bad girl Melly Mel is taking an afternoon to keep cool from being so hot. She comes floating to the surface with a big smile on her face because who's here? Father Christopher. And he actually, for the first time, looks up and down, like, dang.

unknown:

Whew.

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He apologizes for not calling before he got here. So don't be silly. Mind you, Doris, the housemaid, is still there and she is looking father up, down, down, and up. Melissa excuses her and he breaks the news. Hey, I'm gonna go meet my mom. Mel Mel is like, you know how I feel about your mama, right? The one who tried to pop a cap in my dad's head. Well, she did pop a cap in my dad's head, but I'm not a fan of her, but I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. I totally understand that. He's like, okay, cool. Well I need to also understand that Father Bobby's gonna be helping you out while I'm gone. This is such a good scene because the chemistry is palpable. You can tell that they're both attract each other, but they are also equally committed to doing the right thing. Melissa asks Chris as she calls them. They are on a first name, short name basis. Chris, are you coming back? To which he replies, Why is it so important to you?

unknown:

Huh?

SPEAKER_00:

Not quite the response you would expect from a priest. She says, Well, it's because you and I, we talk so well together, you're just easy to talk to, and I really like she then decides to dip her toe in the proverbial water. Chris, is it a sin to want something you can't have? To which he replies rather professionally, in not so many words. It's okay to have the thought. One thing to be tempted, it's one thing to give in to temptation. And you, my dear, can fight temptation. I don't know. I've never really been good at that. Don't underestimate yourself. I like this because the kid is keeping it professional. He could very well, if who knows what's going through his mind right now. He needs to figure out who he is, who his mama is, and all that. And you can tell she's like, maybe it's just he's the only person who's really listening to her at this point. This is probably her first real friend on the show. But the tension is out. Oh my goodness. So later on in the show, he actually does get to meet his mother, who is also on some sort of medication, like her baby sister. She takes to him, they are natural. It is easy. She is gleeful. She's okay, even though her mother told her I lied to you. Oh, so many go. Like, you know what? That's cool. The old me might have flipped out and borrowed some leather gloves, maybe beat you to death with a candlestick. But I'm gonna just let it ride this time. You're old, you know. I'll let it ride. Her also being at a convent works really well when your son's a priest because she invites him to hang out for afternoon prayers or whatever. He happily obliges. The connection has been made and it was beautiful. I do wonder why Abby Dalton floats in and out of the story so often. She hadn't been fully featured since seasons one and two. She seems to be on maybe six or seven episodes per season. So I wonder if her career was really picking up at this time. She's doing bigger projects. I'm not really sure, but I know she's cool with her back from the grave baby boy. So things are starting to come around for good past panty drop. He has a relationship with his mom now. He has a relationship with his baby brother now. Let's go get my sister, right? Wrong. Cassandra is confused. She is having a very similar identity crisis now that she understands that her mom is solely responsible for the death of her dad. So shortly after her mother is picked up, Cassandra visits her, and it is abundantly clear that mom is off her rocker. She has no remorse. And Cassandra is forced to face the fact that she has been a pawn in all of this. So she has two choices. She can let bygones be bygones, try to salvage a relationship that she has with her mom and continue selling advertising space. Or she can continue to carry out this grudge. So I'm shocked on the next day when Cassandra shows up to Angela Channing's home-based layer, aka her office, with I thought, her hat in her hand. No, not at all. Not at all. Angela says, listen, baby girl, you and I are victims of your mother. I'm letting you know right now, I'm not gonna treat you any different just because your mom is a cuckoo crazy hoe who tried to kill me unsuccessfully, mind you, because my grandson that is knows kung fu. So I'm gonna let it, I'm gonna let it ride. Matter of fact, I am prepared to buy back all of Falcon Crust at a very generous price. I'm not trying to steal no money from you, baby girl. We're gonna let it, we can call it even Stevens. Scratch my back, I scratch yours, we can go on and move on with our lives. Cassandra is not having it. She's like, you know what? I still plan on making you suffer, lady. It'll be a cold day in hell when I sell anything to you. It is worth noting that Cassandra walked in with that infamous bright yellow color. Only hers is in a blazer, and her undershirt is this sort of reddish orange. She looks like Ronald McDonald. I thought she was dressed as a clown because her mother is a clown and she needed to present herself as such in order to win Angela's favor. That is not the case. She came in there to stunt and she's gonna end up looking like a clown for real, for real. Because at this point, the only person interested in investing in this property or buying it is Mr. Strawbells, who is aka, one of Angela's many booskies that she keeps on ice. So Cassandra meets him on his boat and she explains the whole situation. Like, listen, I I normally wouldn't do this, but I really hate that witch, Angela Channing, and I'm a need, I need to watch her suffer. Only reason I'm selling any of this to you is because I know you hate her like I hate her. Well, she's not really paying attention to his body language or his smile or even the words he says because he agrees to buy it and he says, I guarantee you, Cassandra, Falconcrest could not be in better hands. Flash forward to a couple days later, Strabos is still trying to woo Angela Channing. I don't know if I mentioned this on the last couple of episodes, but he definitely proposed to her and she's like, you know, I really need to be married like that. But I appreciate you doing me all these favors and whatnot. So when Cassandra sees him pulling up to the wine house, she thinks he's just coming to check out his new investment. I mean, who wouldn't do that? Only before she can get to the pleasantries from her new buyer. Ink's already dry on the contract and whatnot. Angela permrod god channing comes strutting out, hair not blowing in the wind because it is stiff as a brick. She has sprayed that ish down. She saunters right over to Peter and plants a big old platonic kiss on the side of his face, big hug. Cassandra can't believe what's in front of her. Wait, do you know her? You know Angela? Angela's like, yes, baby, he knows me and he knows me well. He knows me so well that he bought back my property for me. Come now, Peter. Child Lee has prepared a succulent lunch for us. We're gonna have so much fun eating on my brand new, brand old property. Cassandra has nothing left to say. This is the second time this episode she's had egg on her face. All she can do is be like, all right, all right. It ain't over, Angela. She sounds like Ike Turner did. Remember when Tina was about to perform at her sold-out rock show. He showed up with the flowers and the pistol. She's like, Do what you gonna do, homie? I whooped you in the back of limo once. I can do it again. I can do it in the front seat, back seat, wherever you need it, homeboy. She has no choice but to eat crow. I will say this though. I do not trust Peter any further than I can throw him. I am incredibly suspicious of him. He's he's too eager. He wants her too bad. And I think you can only take so much rejection. Also, by the end of this episode, it is not clear whether or not he has signed over anything to Angela. I don't think he has. He strikes me as a type to be like, all right, babe, marry me and I'll make sure you get what you get. Then she'll probably marry him and push him off the side of a cliff like she did her brother. So as I'm watching this show on Plex, I, for whatever reason, decided to watch it from the beginning. I watched the opening credits. I didn't skip them this time. And I'm glad I did because at Thought for a Split Second, I saw the name Apollonian. I thought, oh, that's unique. This being a show about an Italian-American family in their vineyard. I thought maybe maybe this is an Italian actress, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, not at all. So let's jump back to Lance real quick. Lance is in the city in San Francisco, enjoying his nightlife, waiting on the check at this table in this very happening hip club. Live music is blasting. He seems to be okay. He's sitting at a table not by the bar for some reason. The waitress comes by, and I was looking down as she started to talk, but I heard her voice and I thought, oh my god, is that I look up and to my shock and utter delight. I see Apollonia, V. Apollonia, Princess Apollonia of Vanity Six. I can't even tell you how many unlocked memories this scene gave me. To add to the plethora of movies, I had no business watching that young Purple Rain. I've definitely seen Purple Rain and Graffiti Beard. She was not in Purple Rain. I think she was also in um, what's the one with Bruce Leroy and Shownuff? I'm pretty sure she was in that movie. It's not her, it's a girl who looks extremely like her. Because all of this was happening long before I'm 10 years old. I have memory of them, and I'm assuming they were on a lot because of the memories I have of them. Purple Rain and Graffiti Bridge sort of blend together, but her voice is so distinctive. Like she's one of the first voices I remember, and you better believe I know every word too nasty, girl. That is my jam. So I was so I was pumped to see her. And she's playing this sort of nightclub waitress who is working many, many shifts so that she can go ahead and sing. Well, she's gorgeous. So naturally, people start hitting on her. Drunk, yuppie bros start trying to grab on her, and she's trying to be cool, but Lance is there and he's like, Well, let me go on and be the hero real quick. He stands up real cool, like and like, yo, keep your hands off the lady. Dude mouths off to him. Next thing you know, Kung Fu kicks in, flips, whip, swip, slap, slams the dude on the table, grabs his arm, and he's like, I'll snap this stuff off. You don't back up, back up. The dude decides to back up, back up. Then he offers at home. She's apprehensive because she don't know this dude like this. Plus, she just got fired. Her boss does not appreciate dirty creeps who put their hands all over women being kicked out of his sleazy establishment. This is the vibe here, girl. It felt up or kicked out. Unfortunately, she's kicked out. This is where Lance offers her a ride home, and she's like, absolutely not. So she took, he tosses her the keys and says, Well, why don't you drive? She drives to her house, lets him know her name is Apollonia, and she can't go out with him any later because she has an audition tomorrow. Lance just so happens upon the audition, the producer is not filling it. He's like, All your stuff sound exactly the same. Are you gonna get are we gonna get down or no? He's like, No, I'm not getting down. I'm not gonna sell my body just so I can get a record deal. Well, this is music to Lance's because just in case Baskin Robbins falls through, and just in case Aunt Terry falls through, you gotta, you gotta keep them lined up, right? Plus, this is a totally different flavor. He says, Listen, lady, is it just me? Or have we seen this before? Have we seen this on Dallas where Afton is a buddy musician and she has all these sets that we get to hear at least once an episode? Haven't we seen this on Knot's Landing, where our good sister CG is singing early 80s rock ballads and uh Care Bear Lady whose name escapes me was also weird, like CG. Didn't she have a couple musical numbers on the show? This is the one time I really want to hear somebody sing. I I need, I need to hear Nasty Girl on this. I need to hear it. I'm I kind of don't think it's gonna happen. But either way, we have an icon. We have one of my core memories singing on this here show. But I think that's such a weird, it's not a coincidence, right? It can't be a coincidence. So season four, season five is where we start to decide to bring in musical numbers. I mean, I guess if you think about it, if this is primetime television, all eyes are on this, soap operas are at their height. It makes sense if you need the exposure to be on as many shows as possible. But the the singer-actress trope is is not what I was expecting. But I am here for it. I want to hear Apollonia do her thing. So Lance is now in the music business, just like Gary, just like Kenny, and just like J. Ara. Dynasty, time to step your game up, baby. Oh no, no, no, they have. Where are my manners? We got um Dominique Donut Hole on there about to start sleeping, doing a rendition of whatever she does. Richard, you remember Richard set up the whole scheme to have some his to draw his killer out of hiding, wore a bulletproof vest, ended up shot for real, for real. It hurt real bad. He's in the hospital. He has three days to figure out who the killer is, and then he's gotta give up that hospital bed because after all, this is a county hospital. Well, he's chilling in the bed one day when in walks a nurse. She's got her face covered, chick hooks up a scalpel, heaves it high, high, high above her head with both hands, goes to plunge it down only to have Richard wake up just in the nick of time and wrestle with her and yell, help, help, help! Police and everybody come running in. Snatches the woman's mask off, and she's just looking weird with that smirk. She looks like Bridget Nielsen. I'm like, okay, who the hell is this? Richard and I are apparently on the same page. He says, Who the hell are you? Richard, did you not hear the swish, swish, swish of leather entering the room? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have our first face off on Falcon frickin' crest. Yes, who's back from the dead? I knew my girl was gone. Leather Pants Pam, aka L P P is back in the building with a vengeance. Now, baby girl, I was disappointed. You know how many times you had to stab somebody with a scalpel to do any damage, really? Girl, bye. They use scalpels in surgery. That is the I'm not gonna go there. But Rachel's like, You ain't Pam. Leather Pants, Pam. I didn't hear no swish wish. I don't smell any sort of moistening balm for leather. You're even like three or four inches shorter. Who the heck are you? She's like, no, I got a new face. I learned in the cartel to get a new face. He goes, but your voice even sounds different. Actually, he doesn't say all that there. He orders her to be snatched away and taken to the house, not to the police station. So eventually he goes home and he's riding his exercise bike. And I have to admit, I was incredibly jealous of his track suit. Fantastic. Tens across the board fashion episode. It was perfect. I was so envious. Chase and the sheriff come by because Richard is out of the hospital. They're waiting on this press conference where he is supposed to announce who the killer is. He tells them that he was bluffing. Like clearly it didn't work. I just had to leave the hospital. I assumed somebody would try to kill me, it just didn't happen. So why is he covering for leather pants, fam? Part of me feels like it's because he's still a little bit sweet on her. They definitely have a past. She knows all of his deep, dark secrets. When we see her again, she is actually back to herself. She is in Michael Jack's thriller, red and black, and she's got on her custom and signature leather pants. Richard decides he's gonna just shake her down. And I did you a good, good favor, my good sister. I could have turned you over to the police, but I didn't. So um, I'm gonna need you to give me all the money that you stole from me by essentially buying up whatever. You remember the deal where Angela was like, I could not have done that better self. And leather pants, Pam is not surprised. She's like, Wow, you are so predictable. He's like, I am predictable, but I'm also in a pinch. I'm also broke, and I'm gonna need you to go ahead and pay up, or I'm gonna turn you over to the authorities. She is not playing games with him, but apparently she's she agrees this episode that that's what she's gonna do. The thing about this lady, though, is she doesn't quite have a British accent. It is vaguely European, and she does favor leather pants, Pam, in a lot of ways, but she looks a lot like Bridget Neil. Is that Nissan? Am I saying it right? The chick from Rocky, the one from Beverly Hills Cough, the one who used to date, Flavor Flav. That's who I'm thinking of. She looks like her shorter little sister in the mix between the original Leather Pants, Pam. But either way, I'm glad to have our girl back. Speaking of having our girl back, let's talk about the way Chase fumbled his whole bride. He wasn't up front. He didn't tell her what really had happened. She found out an ugly way, and of course, he don't have the ability to lie, so she knows it's true. Something went down between he and Connie Giannini. Only she don't know who Connie Giannini is. So flash forward to the end of the episode. Chase and Cole are at the vineyard. Connie's vineyard, by the way, the one that she so generously left to chase, when all of a sudden, this beautiful town car pulls up. Some tall, unremarkable man jumps out. He looks left, he looks right, he looks up, he looks down. Once he decides that the coast is clear, he motions to the car, he gives a little hand gesture, and to my shock, horror, and utter surprise, Connie Giannini, toddlers and Tierra do come floating out of the vehicle. So it turns out tall underscript man happens to be the finest champagne maker in all of Europe. Connie Giannini didn't run away because she was devastated by the affair. Connie Giannini ran away because encouraged, emboldened even by the affair. She went and found a champagne master and brought him back to her paramour. Who, by the way, is wearing a uh long-sleeve vertical striped shirt. He is paired it with a denim vest, and he decided neither one of them hold. But we are down, six buttons, all of his chesticle hair is on display in daylight. Because somebody comes pulling up in a 57 Bel Air. Because clearly Maggie didn't come to Kumbaya with him. She came to confront him. She wants to know why. Why didn't you tell me about Connie? I guess he's not into lying, or maybe he's just caught up in the moment thinking he's about to have the world's most fantastical champagne out of the valley. He tells her, Connie, you're being rude to our guests. Turns around and Connie. Connie's like, hi, I'm Connie Giannini. End scene. I like what I'm seeing here, Falcon Crest. I like it a lot. I like it a lot. Now, how do y'all think this is gonna go? I know those of you who've already seen it, you have an idea, but for those of us watching it for the first time, she can't very well confront her without the full knowledge, right? She's not gonna be like old Perry, excuse me, old Maggie, where she is accommodating, you know, how do you do? La la la. She can't do that because now she's already pissed. I would be even more pissed if this man turns to me and tells me, hey, you're being rude to our guests. You mean the lady you had an affair with? Mm-hmm. This is fantastic. Especially with Apollonia. Hopefully, we get a few more songs. I wonder if Prince is I doubt it. Alright, guys, that's it. That's all for this episode of Soap Lord. Thank you for joining me for a double scoop of Falcon Crest. Join me next time as we get two scoops of Dallas. In the meantime, in between time, elope. Elope, elope. Even if you're already married, even if your significant other has amnesia, why would you have a whole wedding and invite the messiest relative? You had it coming, James. Play yourself. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business, and keep all of your drama on TV.