S5 EP11 Falcon Crest: Strange Bedfellows-The "Must Be Something In The Water" Episode

A runaway groom is one kind of scandal. A telegram breakup right before the vows is another. We kick off this Soap Lore recap of Falcon Crest Season 5 Episode 11 “Strange Bedfellows” with Angela Channing getting publicly disrespected and privately thrilled, because while men come and go, power and property stick around. Lance wants revenge, Emma wants answers, and Angela wants one thing: nobody saying Peter’s name in her house ever again.  From there, the valley turns into a chessboard. Jordan Roberts lights up the screen while her father barges into her life, The Manimal starts flirting with a bigger political future, and every “supportive” conversation comes with strings attached. We also dig into Maggie’s scandal-bait novel and the way a book can weaponize gossip, wreck relationships, and tank business in a community where everyone knows everyone’s secrets. Then the gloves come off. Angela hires a fixer, targets Chase’s vineyard with a mealybug quarantine scheme, and proves that sabotage can look a lot like procedure. Apollonia’s would-be music video glow-up hits a wall when Walker’s fake-it-till-you-make-it story collapses at a seedy motel, and the confrontation gets dangerous fast. And if you thought the emotional damage was done, Richard and Cassandra deliver a brutal pregnancy twist followed by a doctor's confession that changes the stakes, while Melissa and the pastor flirt with taboo right before Robin’s pregnancy emergency drops a classic cliffhanger. If you love 1980s primetime soap drama, Falcon Crest recaps, and character breakdowns with jokes and sharp takes, hit subscribe, share this with a fellow soap fan, and leave a review so more listeners can find Soap Lore.

Transcript

Welcome Back To Soap Lore

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome and welcome back to another fun-filled edition of Soap Lore. I'm your host, Jess, still viewing and reviewing the Sophia Studziest Primetime Storylines of 1985. We're back on the West Coast doing the absolute most. Yes, this is a double scoop of Falcon Quest. So whether you're new to this or true to this, get back and enjoy. Tell the kids it's time to play outside or outside, don't make no questions, suggestions, or concerns for the next 25 to 35 minutes. Everyone else on AirShot, you can be cool, quiet, or you can get out. Here we go. Because we are watching our story, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is soapable. Hello, gorgeous. Welcome and welcome back to another fun full edition of Soap4. I hope you are ready. Oh, oh boy. This is one thing I like about soap poppers. Nighttime, they're not gonna waste your time. It's not gonna be a 16-week drawn-out conversation about one single kiss. We are moving forward with the absolute quickness. So go ahead and pour yourself up something bubbly and bright. I have my can of a nondisclosed buffer. Go ahead and crack that open as quickly as possible, baby, because we gotta get into it. We are watching season five, episode, is this 11 or is this 12? I think it's 11. Season five, episode 11 of Falcon Quest Strange Bedfellows. When last we left, the artist formerly known as permrod goddess, aka Kitty Perm, was left standing, not quite at the altar. See, what had happened was she'd just gotten dressed, she just put on a full-length white gown with white sequel sequid acquaint accent so that she could marry Peter Strabos, a man who had been pining for her since she was 16 years of age. Only to receive a telegram, not a phone call, not even like a letter, but a telegram, which I guess is respectful in 1985, stating that Peter was, quote, not in love with her, not a real quote, pardon me. Basically, Peter said he ain't coming because he does not love her. Now, most brides would be devastated. Angela, like I said in the last episode, seemed just a little bit pissed off that she got all the way dressed for this. I'm sure she was wearing a slip and nylon pantyhose, all destruct downstairs for absolutely nothing. Now, by the grace of God, she wasn't in front of a big audience. She had invited all of her closest enemies, everyone she hated with the passion was invited to witness this unholy matrimony. But you know what is not happening, but you know what is happening? All three-thirds of Falcon Crest are back in her name. So at the top of this episode, we find Lance being quite noble. He is doing what a good grandson would do. He is on the phone demanding that somebody pick him up in a banana boat,

Angela Refuses To Chase Peter

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a rowboat, an inflatable boat, a tugboat. He don't give a damn. Get him on a boat because he knows for a fact that Peter Strawbells can't be more than 10 miles off the shore. He wants to pull up on Peter and beat his ass. He wants to become the real live Aquaman he has time today because you know what? Nobody embarrasses his grandmother like that. He's pissed. Emma is trying to be the voice of reason in the background, saying, like, Emma wants to call the authorities because clearly Peter is way too in love to stand up Angela. She isn't buying this for a minute. Chow Lee is not saying anything, but he doesn't seem to be against Lance's plan of beating the dog mess out of Peter Stravos. I love that he's Lance is in a respecter of age. He's like, I don't care. You embarrass my grandmother, I'm gonna stomp you out. Angela says, not so fast. Men chase me, I don't chase them. I refuse to look for a man who don't want to be found, amen? Besides, I'm back, baby. I own all three-thirds of Falcon Crest. Do not mumble or speak or yell Peter's lame ass name in this house ever again. I'm witnessing this next scene through new eyes. I want to shout out Byron again for letting me know that because of the popularity of Dynasty, the other shows had upped their auntie. It's abundantly clear that Jordan. Well, I I guess I can't say it's abundantly clear, but it is very clear that Jordan is meant to be, your eyes are meant to stay on Jordan when she's on the screen. She she could be at the Miss America pageant right now, she could be hosting the Grammys. She's she's over the top. She is pageant pretty, she is sparkly, and everything else in the restaurant is muted by comparison. Especially the next female character who was introduced to Falcon Crest. One thing I will say about Falcon Crest, they never disappoint me when they introduce a villain. They don't leave a lot to the imagination. They want you to know this is a good guy, this is a bad guy. We're gonna use the old Trump trope. Jordan is appearing as a damsel in distress in this scene, while everyone else is either a super villain or a demivillain. And I think we got our first minion of this season. So while at dinner, the manimal and Jordan are surprised by Jordan's daddy. And some sickly lith some sickly looking woman with a trish jinner. While at dinner, the manimal and Jordan are surprised by Jordan's daddy. And some sickly looking woman with a Chris Jenner haircut, not the new one like an old Chris Jenner haircut. I'm not even gonna lie. This woman looks like Wednesday Adams. She rated Wednesday Adams' wardrobe. She looks like a cholera patient on the Oregon Trail. She looks like a corpse from 1878 brought back to life. Matter of fact, I'm gonna be honest with you. The more I look at her, the more I can think, this woman looks like Edward Scissorhand. She will henceforth and forevermore be known as Edwina Scissorhand's, the minion of Jordan's evil daddy. If we see her again, if we get to see her again, that is. She didn't really talk this episode. I don't know if she's drugged. I don't know what her problem is, but she is mad creepy. She is a complete opposite in every single way to Jordan. Jordan got the big buffon, blonde hair that is seven inches off of her forehead. This girl has short, chopped black hair that is shaved down. Jordan is in a sparkly white, off uh no-shoulder, boobies out type of ball or excuse me, evening gown. This girl, like I said, is dressed exactly like Wednesday Adams. Anyway, we need to figure out if Jordan's daddy is a perv or not, but I am uncomfortable with his presence nonetheless. JJ Roberts, aka Jordan's dad, aka not Marla Maple's dad, is a big fish. And Greg is all of a sudden feeling himself. And I think in this episode, this might be the intro to his full-on villain era. Jordan's dad tells Jordan that he and his he and her mother were discussing over breakfast why they don't ever see her. It's so strange. And she's like, it's not really strange. I keep up with you all just fine through the gossip columns and the society papers. I'm I'm not missing anything, and I shan't be attending breakfast, lunch, dinner, Christmas Kanza, 4th of July, Juneteenth, Grandparents' Day, Arbor's Day, or Mr. State. Don't look for me on any holiday or any day that ends with day. And her daddy's like, dang, it's like that. It's still like that. The manimal is not reading the room in this episode. He's kind of annoying. He hops up, he's all too eager to shake the guy's hand. He is not clocking. That Jordan is clearly uncomfortable. She goes from warm to ice cold. He's not picking up on any of that. Like I said, he is suddenly feeling himself. He's remembering his aspirations, all the aspirations he had before he started working for Little Perm, aka Kitty Berm, Angela Channing. So the next morning, he brings it up to Kitty Berm that approximately 379 days ago, some old lady with her Christopher Columbus Spanish conquistador haircut came strutting up to his horse barn and promising him help with his political career. Matter of fact, this woman with the Christopher Columbus Spanish conquistador haircut promised him that she would make him not only a political juggernaut, she would pay him $30,000 a month. Seems like she kept her word about the pay, but not about anything else. So he starts name-dropping Jordan's dad, JJ, I can't remember the man's name. And Angela is like, ugh, that guy is the dude who cosplays as like a big shot. What are you talking to him for? Gregory, excuse me. Yeah, God, not me excusing myself. I forgot that was his government name for a second. Gregory, aka the manimal, educates Angela on his current state of educates her on his current status.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

You see, Angela, I am now dating JJ. I'm drawing a blank.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

I am dating JJ's one and only child. I'm very, very intimate with his daughter, and JJ seems to think I would make one hell of a lieutenant governor. So either you jump on board or maybe I'm jumping shit. Just like your fiance. He doesn't say that. I wish he would have. It was a golden opportunity. Writers, you missed an opportunity there. Angela's like, okay. I might consider pondering it at a later date.

Jordan’s Dad Crashes Dinner

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Greg perks his ears up. He's like, I'm sorry, what? You said what? She said, I said I might consider pondering it at a later date. I will think about it, okay?

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Calm down.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Meanwhile, on Maggie's front porch, Maggie is in all white and Terry is in yellow. I forgot to mention at the top of this episode the color of this episode is white or white adjacent, i.e., cream, bone, anything very, very light. So Maggie looks like she's dressed for winter. Terry looks like she's dressed for summer. They're having a delicious breakfast. Terry is enjoying the book even more than the Breckie. Apparently, the book Maggie's over easy egg brain wrote. Scandalous child. All sorts of lovers and whatnot. Aunt Terry is gleefully. She's like, whoa, child, girl. When you sit down and write this, what is this? Aunt Terry, who knows a thing or two about sexy time, says, Girl, this book is a problem, baby. I can't wait for the movie. The characters are quote unquote loosely based on real life Valiant's. And it's very clear to anyone who's reading it who's who. Harry says, Now, what does your chesticle loving husband think about this mysterious lover you got in this book, girl? Ooh, this finna be messy. No sooner than she says that, out comes Chase. And Maggie's like, shut up, girl. He hasn't read it yet. Harry's like, oh, girl, I can't wait for the movie. She saunters off, leaving the audience and Chase none the wiser about what's going to happen when he reads it. Actually, we already know what's going to happen. He's going to pop off per usual. On the other side of town, Apollonia and Lance are chatting about Walker when he enters the office unannounced to congratulate Apple, which I hate as a nickname for her, the on the sudden success of the radio station. Walker has some ideas for a music video. He's just dropping this and that and that and this. And Apollonia is all too eager to get this uh video shoot under the way. Now, Lance is hearing all this. He's feeling like a an appetizer instead of the entree. Why is she all into this guy? Didn't she tell me he was a bum or whatnot? Lance Eber, his grandmother's grandson, tells both of them to get the hell out of his office. He's tired of hearing all this jawjacking about videos and freaking wardrobe and concepts and stuff. He's also sort of thinking to himself, there's no way. There's no way that this bum has more ends than me or more connections than me. Otherwise, Apollonian would have been a huge star a long time ago. Or can we just say maybe she's not that talented? I'm not saying she's not that talented. I'm just saying. I'm just saying that that is in the realm of possibility. So back at Falcon Crest, Angela's not wasting any time. She's had a very rough week. She's had her fiance dip out on her, which is a non-factor. It's kind of a moot point because she got the land back. So let's count that as a win. But her daughter is rolling in the hay, or not even in the hay, she's rolling in the backseat with some corn fed dude who drives a truck. Her nephew has once again outsmarted her. Now he's taking her clientele. She's got to get back on track. So she does what any sensible person does. She reached out to the Kellogg family to have them come in and fix the situation up. I think these people are fixers. So Kellogg's not the frosted flakes. One of the reps for the company shows up and it's a lady. And Angela's internalized sexism is dimmed long enough just to get a little bit of business done. Operations, something for that as destroy Chase's Vineyard, is underway. Lady Kellogg walks into Angela's study and she's got on a black outfit and a black sun hat, hair tucked up in it. Thank you, Falcon Crest, for not leaving anything to the imagination. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I think it is safe to assume that this woman is going to be a villain or, if nothing else, a dew dirt minion. I'm really excited to have two minions introduced, but can we please bring back the original baddest of the baddie minions? Leather pants, Pam. I'm going to start wearing leather every day until I see her back on this show. Anyway, Lady Kellogg is a terrible actress who vows to find a Morley Gray dew dirter who works as an employee at the Valley. And if they can't find one, then they'll make one. Lady Kellogg will turn him out herself. She promises this to Angela. Now Angela's ears perk up. She suddenly realizes that this broad is a baddie. She says, you know what, bitch? I like your style. Forgive my attitude earlier. I'm old. I'm sexist, even though I'm a woman. It is what it is. I didn't think you could complete the task because you were broad, but I forgot. I forgot. Maybe they still make them like they used to. Okay. I see you. I see you, Kellogg's. Lady Kellogg follows through with her plan. She is indeed a bad bitch. She corners Mr. McLish, real name, who is a county inspector. He goes around looking at all the leaves at the vineyards to make sure everything is everything. So she corners him one day while he's minding his own business at work, trying to have a ham sandwich or whatever on lunch, and she makes him cooperate. Angela's plan is very simple. Angela wants him to quarantine Chase's vineyard because of mealy mauls. Now, can I spell mealy mauls? No. I spelled it just perfect enough so that I could re regurgitate it back to you guys. Did I look them up? No, I definitely did not. She wants mealy mauls on his property. She wants him to quarantine Chase's property because of those mealy maws. Only ain't no mealy maufs on Chase's property. McLish quickly points that out. Angel's like, don't be dense. There will be mealy maufs on his property by Tuesday. Right? McLish is like, yeah, I guess so. So she has a checklist to keep and she also has a schedule to keep. No time to waste. Later, she talks to Cornfed Jet about becoming a businessman. You want to marry my daughter, right? My daughter is used to a certain lifestyle. How's your lifestyle? What do you like about that? He says that he enjoys an honest day's work, the road, and coming home to a quote unquote warm woman. Not warm bed, warm woman. I'm like, okay, so you just like a live one. Great. I'm glad to know he's not a necrophilioc. Angela offers to buy him a business if he leaves the valley. Why don't you get the hell out of my life and my face? And I'll make sure you are the most successful, sleeveless, mullet-wearing truck driver in all of the Southwest. Duane tells her no and to get the hell away from his vehicle. And then he immediately tells Emma, and they confront the artist formerly known as Permrod. She doesn't deny offering to buy him a business if he leaves Emma. She claims that it was a test. A test to test his loyalty, and he passed with flying colors. Emma and Duane, aka corn fed Jed, fully believes this. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Lady Kellogg's drops off a jar or two of Mealy Maws into or onto upon Chase's vineyard. Whoever has an English degree, make that make sense. And then they no no no no no no no no. The ish out of all of Chase's hopes and dreams once again. Of course, Inspector McLish, who is now Angela's McBish, shows up for an impromptu visit and reigns all of Chase's hopes

Maggie’s Novel Stirs Up Trouble

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and dreams. The aviator Adonis, in all of his beauty and glory, immediately jumps into action. Clavicle on full display, chest hairs groomed to perfection. The same day that Dwayne, aka cornfed Jed, tells Emma that he will sell the truck once they get married. Because whether he admits it or not, Angela did get into his head. Emma is accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle, and he wants to keep her as eager to please, I suppose. He wants to please her back. And he he decides that he's gonna sell the truck once they get married so he can stay put. And Emma's like, baby, don't you dare. You're gonna ruin all of my explicit fantasies. You'll drive and I'll ride. Ain't love grand. It's a beautiful thing. Speaking of love, or not really, uh, Richard. Richard is apparently wanting to marry Cassandra. And Jordan, with her perfectly teased hair, is like, dude, you're doing a lot. You don't feel bad about dragging this out. This girl honestly wasn't even trying to ruin your life like that. She explained that she had a psycho parent. I have a psycho parent. You have a psycho parent. Can you cut the girl some slack? This is a lot. You're doing way, way too much. Now he denies it, but Jordan basically says, You do you're protesting too much. Whatever that's saying is, one doth protest too much. That's you, homeboy. And he's like, one doth tease their hair too much, but I'm on my business. Do you mind yours? As you're in the middle of this conversation, Maggie burst into his office. Maggie is in her I need to stun era. I love scrambled egg brain, Maggie. I I absolutely love the thought of her soft boiled brain being a lot looser this season. She's like, I am gorgeous. I can dress, I got a haircut, and I need y'all to see me in every single scene. So she comes in basically wearing a comforter sheet or a duvet cover off of a bed that has been fashioned into some sort of my brain is is stalling on me. I don't know if you would call it a parka because it's not necessarily the right material, but it is way too thick to be a simple cardigan. It is not quite the right material to be a coat. Just she is where let's she's wearing a duvet with sleeves, and it is freaking fabulous. Mind you, these people live in California. I know the water coming in off of the bay is chilly, but it ain't like that. Anyway, the only reason that Maggie comes through in this scene is to remind us that the colorway for this episode is white or white adjacent and she is wearing cream. But she comes in just to tell Richard that no one else wants to read this book. It's very, very bad for business. She really just wanted to be seen. She put on a fly outfit and remembered she had nowhere to go. She's like, let me go cuss out Richard real quick. Jordan tells Maggie that although she looks fantastic in her sleeping bag realness, that Richard has a contract with the publishing company, which make it make sense because he's not the author. And he says, she says that he can't back out of it. So, Maggie, I'm gonna need you to calm out. I'm gonna need you to calm down. Maggie only showed up to stunt in her fly outfit. So, mission accomplished, the rest of the conversation is moved. So later, Richard is chatting with a very pretty light pink Cassandra Postcoitus. It is so heartbreaking that this man is incapable of love, I guess. I don't know who he loves or who he doesn't, but he is very, very convincing. Hell, I almost bought it. Cassandra is totally drinking all this and she thinks that all has been forgiven. She thinks that he actually understands her. She loves him. She loves being around this six foot four, cane, limping, warm milk drinking, hummy time, having toy soldier, toying man. She loves him. And she tells him she has a spectacular wedding gift for him. I'm pregnant, Richard. I'm going to have your child. Richard turns into one of those hood rats on Maury Polich. He starts talking to the camera. His shirt is open. I'm not even exaggerating about the shirt being open. So just play along with me, okay? He opens his shirt. Actually, he just doesn't finish buttoning up his shirt. He's talking about, I'm not the daddy. I'm not the daddy. He's running over to the screen pointing at the kid that looks exactly like this ain't my baby. Stop playing in my face, Cassandra. How dare you? She's just like, yo, um, who, hey, who are you? Who is this? I don't know who this is. Is this Cassandra? How dare you come in my face and play? I done put up with a lot of stuff with you. But what I won't put up with is this. I've been had a vasectomy. She's like, lies because I am

Angela’s Mealybug Sabotage Plan

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absolutely pregnant. I certainly wouldn't be ruining my body for nothing else. And this is your baby because I have been with absolutely no one else. So you're tripping. Well, listen. If she thought he was tripping, then he could, he, he ups and he's like, clearly, she don't understand what I'm saying. He's talking about you bankrupted me, you humiliate me. Now, this, I wouldn't marry you for all the money in the world, Hussy. I was playing your country ass this whole time. I don't even want to marry you. I just want to hear you. But what I won't do is have some bastard's name. Or excuse me. I won't have some bastard with my name. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this makes me so happy. I don't know quite what's going on in my mind 90% of the time. But I'm so glad that Richard's other name is Douglas's bastard. How dare Douglas's bastard have qualms about having a bastard of his own? Richard is sticking and moving more than anybody else on this show. It's more than land. Think about it. Cole is actually the most virginal one on this show. And Emma, technically. But you know what I'm saying? How many women has Richard been with? Every other time I've seen this man's chest more than I've seen Chase's. And Chase wears a V-neck 99.1,000% of the time. He got the nerve. Now, now I got a vasectomy. That's why you're so whorish. Okay, got it. Cassandra is just watching this. You can tell this is the first time she's seen this side of him. She didn't know this existed. But she's also hearing what he's saying. Okay, you're you're you don't want anything to do with me. I just can't believe the biggest bastard on the show had the nerve to not want a bastard. That's that internalized hate. You see what I be talking about? Just like Angela's internalized sexism. Mm-hmm. Cassandra is shocked to say the least. She used to feel bad about the way she had to play Richard. She used to feel away, which is why she wrote the check. She came and humbled herself before him. But on that day, at that moment, she said, You know what, Eff, I hate you, Richard. You're evil, and I don't want you anywhere near my baby. She continues to get dressed respectfully. She goes to slowly leave. And Richard calls out her name. It almost sounds tender. It's like Cassandra. She turns around. Oh my god, he's back.

unknown 25:18

Okay.

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You just had a moment. But then he says, Uh, my house key. Now, I learned something very interesting about Cassandra. Cassandra must have played college softball because Homegirl has a freaking cannon on her. I also thought about it. She's the older sister of a younger brother, so she's probably had to throw baseballs and footballs with him on the count of him not having a daddy. Baby girl's got a cannon. And I tell you what, Richard may or may not have had a vasectomy. If he hasn't, she almost gave him one. She he holds the key. She almost took his kneecaps and his ping-aling off. You heard the key hit the ground, but it could have very much been his bang-alang lang lang. What a bastard. So something must have dancing subconsciously in Richard's mind because he goes to have his annual or daily or weekly checkup. I certainly hope it's his weekly checkup. And he asked the doctor to do an impromptu sperm count. And the dude's like, okay, cool. And I'm like, did he leave a sperm sample? Is that just how would he know? They can't tell it from your blood, right? The doctor just kind of was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. He's not even really worried about that because this is the man who personally performed Richard's vasectomy. Meanwhile, in a far less classy part of town down by the river motel, Walker, aka Apollonia's ex, aka some sort of video super producer, allegedly let him tell it, skirts past the druggies at the motel and asks for his messages at the front desk. He's acting like he's at the frickin' Ritz Carlton. He's been lying to Apollonia, presenting himself as this big successful record producer. See, as people, sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it. This particular motel has a very strict policy, by the way, as far as the um patrons go. You gotta pay $20 in advance, no hot plates, no pets, and no loud music, and no refunds, most importantly. We know this because Lance followed Walker into the motel and pays the front desk guy for information on him. The front desk guy thinks he's another scuzz bucket who wants to come in and do a little bang yang yang yang for an hour or so. So he lets them know, okay, it's gonna be $20 in advance, no hot plates, no pets, no loud music, and no refunds, my guy. Lance is like, okay, I don't have 20, but what about this crisp $50 bill? He pulls that out of his pocket, pops it twice, and hands it to the secretary of the Riverview Motel. All he wants to know is, I just want to know a little something about that Scuzzbucket that just walked in there. Apparently, this man sings like a canary. It's pretty clear Walker has been lying, and now Lance has the receipts. Walker told Apollonia and Lance that he's been at the Ritz, but he's been living at the Scuzz Bucket Inn. Lance is being petty, so he takes Apollonia to the kickdo, aka the Riverview Motel, and she proceeds to cuss out Walker. How are you? I can't believe you've been lying to me all this time. You've been lying about your success. He's like, girl, maybe I exaggerated. I wouldn't say I lied. Perhaps I exaggerated a little bit. But you know what? It don't matter if I lied or not, because I poured into you. Your success is my success. Doesn't matter if I used to beat the crap out of you and I've been drunk for the last three years. You're successful now. You're gonna pay me for all the things you didn't pay me for in the past. She obviously doesn't have any money on her. So you know exactly what he wants. He wants the same thing that corn fed Jed, aka Dwayne wants a warm woman. He proceeds to rough her up just a little bit and very easily tosses her onto the bed. Right about that time, one of the scariest things that I've ever witnessed in my life happens. Mind you, I've watched Lance Cumps and aka Lorenzo Llamas in the Renegade. I know this man can fight, and I've seen him fight on this show, but it's never quite crossed my mind the way it did on this episode. So picture this. It is a sleazy motel. Apollonia is dressed to the nines, about to get roughed up by uh a man revealing his chest and he's got a 40s hairdo, whatever. Lance comes in, all six foot three of him, enters the room, tells him to raise up off his woman. Walker, who lives in in the in a very scathy little place, is not afraid of a good old fist fight. So he thinks he's gonna swing on Lance, but Lance is six foot three. So I can't even what does that mean? His legs are like, I don't know, four and a half feet long. This man kicks him in the head with an ease I haven't seen in many a years. Mind you, in my lifetime, I've had a couple feet to my head. You know what I'm saying? It not that I've been kicked in the head ever, but things happen on a trampoline. Things happen at the water park. You get down the slide a little too slow, the person coming in behind you is flying down. Yeah, I've had a foot to my head a time or two. It sucked real, real bad. I can't imagine someone aiming at my head with their boot with the velocity of a at least like an e-bike, right? It's gotta be going at least like 30 miles and at or kicks him right upside his head. Walker ain't no punk, though. He's from the mean streets of wherever he is, San Francisco. So he starts fighting back. Lance is putting belt to ass quite easily, if I'm being honest. Walker says, you know what, enough of all that. He pulls out a knife. He ain't got time sometimes. When someone is bigger and stronger, you gotta stick them. You gotta stick them like a pig so you can get away. Lance quickly stomps this guy out. No big deal. Back at Falcon Crest, Angela and the Manimal meet with Jordan's daddy about the manimal's political career. It's kind of brief and non-eventful. More importantly,

Richard Explodes Over The Pregnancy

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the manimal and Jordan have this intimate conversation in front of the fire a little bit later on. They're discussing life and fine foods and what they like indulging in. This quickly turns into an even more intimate moment. A very deep kind of conversation, the kind where you don't really need words. Well, it almost turns into that sort of conversation. Jordan stops right before they can really, really rev it up. She says, Oh my god, Manimal, I'm so sorry, Greg. You're so hot. I'm totally into this, but I just can't. It's not you. Please don't feel it away. It's me. I gotta get I'm getting through some things mentally and physically. It has nothing to do with you. He doesn't necessarily get upset, but I think he feels a little miffed because they are being so intimate with their voices and their words. And he asked her, Would you like to talk about it? She says, No. So he picks up his things and he says, Okay, it's clear that you're uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna leave now. I don't know what's wrong, but I'd rather leave now than stay here and just spoil things forever. Indicating that he does indeed care for. I was really proud of him. Way to read the room, manimal, because he definitely didn't read it earlier. So the next day, the manimal shows up to check up on Jordan, who really did wake up like this. Her hair is four inches off of her forehead. They hug each other. I missed you, you missed me. She basically confesses that she was kind of afraid to be turned on by him. She was afraid that he was gonna either fall head over. He was in love with her or reject her. There's no middle ground in her mind. But she's trying, so she lets him hug her from behind. She doesn't recoil from his touch. She even lets him kiss her from behind. Just as she's sort of melting into his embrace, really getting into the moment. He douses whatever fire was burning in her loins. He tells her that he spoke to her papy, and her papy gave him permission to run for lieutenant governor. He's pumped. She's turned off. This is the biggest ick for her. She tells him that, oh man, huh? Well, seems like there's only one, there's only room for one JJ Robish in your life. I know that for a fact. Okay, well, I gotta go upstairs and finish getting ready. I was in the middle of teasing my hair. I'll talk to you later. Bye. It's an awkward exit. You gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes you're in an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes you just gotta get the hell out of there before you say something you regret. She said all she needed to say. Remember, this is a brilliant woman whose hair is very large because it's filled with secrets that she has no intention of sharing. So what are you gonna do? This guy wants to be a political juggernaut. My dad is a political juggernaut. I'm not feeling my father. So unfortunately, by proxy, I'm not really feeling anybody who is feeling my father. I get her. Speaking of fathers, near the end of the episode, Richard's doctor. Remember, Mister, I can do a sperm count through uh listening through your heart rate through a stethoscope. Yeah. He pops back on the screen. Hey, Richard. How you doing, brother? You look good. Your blood count is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. I'm actually sending it to Cedar Cyanide so that some intern can look over it, maybe turn it into a book. Baby, you you've got some beautiful blood. Richard immediately smelt. Like, what do you need, Doc? The doctor says, well, okay, so don't judge me. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome back to Soaploor. Now, usually back in the day, I would tell you that I would never add to a scene, but I really need to embellish this just a little bit. Focus on the on the essence of it, okay? The doctor's basically like, Rich, this is so funny. You're gonna laugh about this. Do you remember? Um, do you remember that time you came to my office and um you you wanted you wanted a vasectomy? I thought you said um protect-ish me is what I heard. I had I'd been out on a boat the night before. Actually, I'd been to a concert, so my hearing wasn't 100%. I thought you said protect-ish, as in don't do it fully. So I I gave you a nip tuck, but I didn't tuck it very well. So Richard is like, wait a minute. So what are you what are you saying? I thought I was shooting blanks. He's like, you know, I mean, you you sometimes sorta. Basically, the doctor's like, yo, I don't did I perform a surgery? Yes. Did I go through the motions of a vasectomy? I did. Did it is it like five-star? No. If this is 2026, this is maybe like a T MOOC vasectomy. Uh what I'm saying is that you just never really know. And what I'm saying is that you do have a sperm count. What I'm saying is that I'm sorry that you have been out in these streets the way you have over the past years. I've watched season four through one. I'm really, really sorry. Also, you weren't on season one. I'm sorry. But yeah, dude, you you yeah. Richard's like, wait a minute. First and foremost, I'm going to sue the ish out of you. You could, you you better believe I'm going to own you by the time all this is done. You dirty, dirty bastard. Richard storms over to Cassandra's ad I don't know what I was gonna say address, to Cassandra's office, which has been completely wiped clean. And let me tell you, her office is cream, which is also one of the colors of this episode, and peach. And there is narry a speck of dust inside. They have vacuumed the carpets. She's removed all the paintings from the wall. Her desk is completely cleared off. She is gone, baby.

Lance Confronts Walker At The Motel

SPEAKER_01 37:05

She meant what she said. She got one crazy relative. She's not gonna let her baby have one, okay? Packed up her teens and she left. Richard comes in there with a cane, cracks it over the back of the desk. And I said, you know what? That's exactly why she don't want you to be her baby daddy. You're too volatile. And you're gonna piss her off. She's gonna be sleep deprived, exhausted. Look over, and you're drinking a glass of milk. It's just gonna piss her off. This is for the best. Well, he cracks that cane over that desk and he vows to find Cassandra wherever she is in the world. And he will, because he found leather pants, Pam. Also, where is my girl leather pants, Pam? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have entered the final couple of scenes of this episode. And you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of the first time I went to Louisiana. There's something about it. Like I know the water is filled with swamp or alligators and creatures I don't really mess with like that. But there is something enchanting about it. The first time I stepped out of the car in Louisiana, after the humidity beat the dog snot out of me, I couldn't help but feel, I don't know, this sort of undercurrent of something I couldn't quite put my, I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was beautiful. The way the trees sort of weeped and leaned over, the way everyone spoke really slowly. They're looking at you like they can't quite figure out if you're related. There's something just beneath the surface that pulls you in in a way that you you feel uncomfortable. Like um, like when you step into a room and two people really attracted to you, you can almost feel it. There's something there. This is the chemistry I have been feeling between Melissa and Pastor Pantydroppers. Now, by profession, he shouldn't be. I mean, let's not say he shouldn't be. He obviously is going to be, he's a human being, but it is taboo in some ways if he were to indulge in this. So Pastor Pantydroppers is on one of his signature runs. It's his way of relaxing. He's got that runner's high. He steps in front of a swampy-looking pond and says, you know what? Two tears in a bucket. Time to take a dip in this hair creek. He begins to disrobe. Now, baby has body. A natural man's body with hair all over his chest. I love the part, I love that part of the 80s. So the camera pans out, and you were probably 300 yards away from him as he begins to disrobe. Now, me growing up sort of in the countryslash desert. I know a small town, I know being in the middle of nowhere. This didn't feel like he was, but in his mind, he was. I know this guy grew up at an orphanage, but he still grew up in America. And I was like, every time you're in a big stretch of land, you gotta kind of wonder, does this belong to somebody? Does it feel like a natural park? I don't know what possessed him to take off his clothes, but he did. Okay, that's all I'm saying. He begins to disrobe. We are 300 yards away. Not to ruin the fantasy for all of you listening, but I could tell he was wearing yellow shorts, just like Gary's baby blue shorts, but his were yellow because Falcon Crest loves yellow. Anyway, he disrobes and he is pandemic nudity. He jumps into this swampy pond and begins to gleefully swim around, just letting the water cool him off. He's he's got a heck of a workout. He's gonna go have tacos or something later. It's gonna be delicious, or some fried chicken or something. He'd have burned at least 2,000 calories right about this time. That girl Melly Mel comes trotting up on her trusty steed. She too is in yellow, but she's also in black. And I don't know if she had been praying, but when she gets to the water, she smiles so big, like, oh my God, what a jay. Oh, happy day. She quickly deduces that his clothes are outside the water. So that means he ain't got no nothing in at that water. She starts to tease him, like, what's up, Christopher? He's like, Oh my god, Melissa, get out of here. She's like, I would love to, however, this is my property. So I think I'm just gonna rest. I've been riding this horse.

Melissa Tempts The Pastor Then Panic

SPEAKER_01 41:05

I'm exhausted. Why don't we just chatter, chatter, chitch it right here? And he's like, No, we can't do this. It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong. It's just like, okay, why is it wrong? We both feel the same way. What are you talking about? I won't talk to you like this. She's like, but you will, because you either have to come out or I have to come in. It's one or the other. And he's like, you know what? Forget everything. Forget that I'm a priest. Forget that I am supposed to be a good guy. I'm also your counselor. That is so unethical. Shout out to him for reading the room and understanding the directions. He is not going to have a hip violation on his conscience. Only it's 1986, and I'm not, excuse me, 1985. I'm not even sure if there is HIPAA violations at this point. And she's like, okay, well, cool. Why don't you just come on out and talk to me about it? She's starting to make him uncomfortable. He's like, Melissa, I can't. She's like, okay, cool. You won't come out, then I'll jump in. She goes to dive in this, let's say it's like 20 inches of water. She dives in, she wets up all her clothes, swims up on them. And baby, that's a man is still in. Before you know it, they are in a warm embrace. And we know that at least one of them is in the nude. It's kind of hot. I'm not gonna lie. Now they don't say anything, they only imply, even though they were swimming in like terry water and it was really dirty and not layer. I don't know. It was cute. I enjoyed it either way. It doesn't matter. Melissa climbs back on her horse, her horse in her wet clothes and decides it's time to go home. And it's I'm glad she did. Because right about the time she gets home, we hear Robin writhing and hooting and hollering in pain. She's on the floor and she's on her back and she's pregnant. So it's not like she's a turtle. I don't really understand why she didn't have a little bit more dexterity, but apparently she had gone to reach for the telephone and it fell maybe three inches behind her. So the way her elbow was cocked, she couldn't reach for the phone and spit. Okay, I forgot to mention 1985. This is a rotary phone. So let me stop my judgment, okay? She could obviously reach for the phone, but could she flip that little wheel or whatever the heck you call it? The rotary? No, she couldn't. She had to wail in agony until someone hurt her. So Melissa comes running up, smelling like dead fish in a uh priest. And she's like, oh my God, Robin, what's wrong? End scene. Way to go, Falcon Grass. Way to go. You got me hooked. You begin and you end with a bang. I am here for all of this. All right, guys, that's it. That's all. Join me next time as we jump back into another classic piece of vintage gold. Remember, you can reach out to me in the show notes if you're listening on your mobile device. There is a link to send me a text. Send me a text or send me a voicemail. You might even hear yourself on the show. If you prefer doing things the new old-fashioned way, you can send me an email at soaploorpodcast at gmail.com. That's S-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-O-D-A-S-T at gmail.com. In the meantime, in between times, there should be some sort of follow-up when you have a vasectomy. When you're not chewed a few blanks in a cup like during a carnival ride if you knock anything down. And if you do, the doctor owes you $40,000 or whatever it costs to do that. Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business, and keep all of your drama on TD.